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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how to cope when your DH/DP's ex is way better looking than I am?

100 replies

FeelingSecondBest · 03/10/2015 12:01

I am OK looking. Average. Slim ish but a bit flabby, shit tummy from a c section. wobbly legs. saggy boobs. I cant wear skirts or ever show my legs as I have ugly varicose veins (thanks to multiple pregnancies). Tired looking after 4 DC. I try and hold back completely letting myself go by dyeing my hair, wearing make up, wearing nice clothes etc. I was ok when I was younger, but only pretty as most young people are. Never beautiful. I am 37 now and definitely seen better days. If I had loads of money I would have so much work done. boob uplift, tummy tuck, get the legs sorted, eyes lasered (I wear glasses too) I literally sometimes fantasise about a lottery win because that would be the first thing I would do.

DH's ex is a few years older than me but she is stunning. Envy and slim as fuck probably like a size 6 but big boobs. she looks very similar to kate moss, the bone structure and natural skinniness that means she will probably look great at 75. She and DP have DC together too, so I have to see her. She is really nice too, I don't hate her, I just feel completely and utterly in awe of her and absolutely inferior and green with envy. DH is very good looking as well, they just look so much better together than DH and I. And he just gets more out of my league as I get older.

If it matters, DH was the one who ended it with her, she has remarried so its not that I would think they would get back together. Its just that I literally have no idea what DH sees in me and what he must think when he has had so much better. He constantly tells me how beautiful sexy etc I am but I don't believe him as I hate myself.

I am so embarrassed to be writing this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSecondBest · 03/10/2015 12:02

Oh ffs I just re read the title !! I meant of course MY dh ex not YOUR

OP posts:
LemonPied · 03/10/2015 12:03

Oh love, you need to be much kinder to yourself and do some work on your self confidence. Would you be able to access counselling of some sort?

Toffeelatteplease · 03/10/2015 12:11

He's with you for a reason.

Yes to being kind to yourself but also remember how other people see us is often totally different than how we see ourselves

MissMarpleCat · 03/10/2015 12:14

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Wink

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 03/10/2015 12:15

Kate Moss isn't stunning, but that's not the issue.

You need an ego boost.

He's with you. This lovely looking bloke. Have you asked him about this? I expect he thinks you're a goddess and would be absolutely astounded you feel like this.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 03/10/2015 12:17

You could also pop over to Style and Beauty for some tips on how to improve your confidence.

Teeny things can make a massive difference.

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 12:18

I don't think most men would actually find a size 6 attractive! Give them a size 12-14 over that any day.

Vixxfacee · 03/10/2015 12:18

I actually think Kate Moss looks like a crack head but beauty is on the eye of the beholder. You are not going to be beautiful to everyone but if you are to him then that's all you need.

Sighing · 03/10/2015 12:20

Clearly YOU are amazing in ways you don't give yourself credit for. You need to give yourself credit for who you really are.
Last night I went out with DH. We were sat far too close (or they were too loud) to a youthful couple, absolutely stunning woman. It became clear she appeared to be incredibly hardwork. She was angry and saying things like 'he always ----; accusing him of all sorts, jumping on every phrase. Twisted words. And did not shut the fuck up. Relentles, despite him trying to get anywhere with a conversation, agree, soothe, apologise. I was shocked anyone could stick dinner with her. You cannot judge someone's appearance to rate their attractiveness entirely.

Secondtimeround75 · 03/10/2015 12:21

She is his ex for a reason

Don't compare , just trust that he knows what's best for him .....you.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/10/2015 12:23

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I've read another thread about someone struggling with a radiant, skinny, lovely ex... If it's not you, does it help in any way to know someone else feels this way too?!

This ex can't be that amazing or your DH wouldn't have dumped her. Perhaps she has flaws you can't see. Maybe her bits smell like burning hair.

Don't worry about your DH's opinion on this. She's not his perfect woman. Really, she's YOUR perfect woman, and what you feel beauty looks like.

The only way to feel better is to work on improving your self image. Can you get contact lenses as an immediate, inexpensive boost?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 03/10/2015 12:23

But he chooses to be with YOU. If she was that amazing then he never would have split up with her would he?

I suspect you're being really hard on yourself and your looks but also most adults look for a bit more from their relationships than a flat stomach.

Flowers
Eminado · 03/10/2015 12:24

"Clearly YOU are amazing in ways you don't give yourself credit for. You need to give yourself credit for who you really are."

^^^
This.

You sound lovely.

TheoriginalLEM · 03/10/2015 12:28

But hes with you now!

honeylulu · 03/10/2015 12:30

Three things:
He dumped her so he clearly doesn't think she's that wonderful.
He chose to be with you and sounds very happy with his choice.
I bet you're much better looking than the impression you've given here. It's easy to look in the mirror and agonise over every imperfection. No one else really cares. It took me years to realise this. Meanwhile your overall look is probably rather attractive. Sexy and gorgeous according to your husband - he should know! Listen to him.

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2015 12:38

I don't think most men would actually find a size 6 attractive! Give them a size 12-14 over that any day.

Blimey, it's a bit early in the thread for the body shaming to start and the 'Men prefer this' type posts that are better suited to Facebook memes...

OP, he's clearly in love with you and finds you attractive.

You need to be kind to yourself and focus on the positive things about you, of which I'm sure there are many Thanks

Unreasonablebetty · 03/10/2015 12:38

Don't be so down on yourself, he obviously thinks you are gorgeous or he wouldn't be with you.
Ps- not all men find kate moss attractive at all.

EponasWildDaughter · 03/10/2015 12:40

its not that I would think they would get back together. Its just that I literally have no idea what DH sees in me

Right. Good that you aren't fretting about him going back to her. Especially on the basis of looks! That would make him a shallow bastard wouldn't it?

So we are left with 'i don't know what he sees in me'.

Well - he sees something good doesn't he? Or he wouldn't be here. Be bluntly honest with yourself:
He is with you by choice,
He is happy with his choice,
He loves you.
He finds you attractive.
You may not be your idea of the perfect woman ... but you aren't the one living with you :)

Don't waste time and effort worrying about this. It will eat away at you. He can only prove his love and attraction for you by living there with you, loving you and telling you he loves you - and that is what he is doing.

(this is from someone married to a stunner and who worries about these things too sometimes)

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 12:40

worra I'm not body shaming anybody, it's a fact.......

HoggleHoggle · 03/10/2015 12:43

Lottie based on what evidence?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 03/10/2015 12:44

Lottie no it bloody isn't. Don't be ridiculous. Men are like women in that they like all different types. It's not a "fact" Hmm

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2015 12:45

Like fuck is it a 'fact' Hmm

Men are individuals who like individual things

You know like most free thinking human beings...

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2015 12:47

And btw, if the OP happens to be a size 10 for example, you'll have just made her feel far more shit than she already does.

Fugghetaboutit · 03/10/2015 12:47

To the body shamers: I'm a size 6-8 and men find me very attractive actually, especially as I have boobs and bum SmileSmile

Op, your post makes me sad. I'm sure you're stunning inside and out. You've had 4 kids! Be kinder to yourself!

Somedaymummy · 03/10/2015 12:52

You have carried 4 children with your body, you are a warrior! I bet he thinks the same!

I agree with PPs, you need a confidence boost. A long bath with a plethora of goodies, do a facemask, get your eyebrows shaped, hair cut maybe? Treat yourself to an outfit if finances allow. Do whatever makes you feel good.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were beautiful! I bet you're much more attractive than you're giving yourself credit for. We are our own worst critic and all that jazz.

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