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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how to cope when your DH/DP's ex is way better looking than I am?

100 replies

FeelingSecondBest · 03/10/2015 12:01

I am OK looking. Average. Slim ish but a bit flabby, shit tummy from a c section. wobbly legs. saggy boobs. I cant wear skirts or ever show my legs as I have ugly varicose veins (thanks to multiple pregnancies). Tired looking after 4 DC. I try and hold back completely letting myself go by dyeing my hair, wearing make up, wearing nice clothes etc. I was ok when I was younger, but only pretty as most young people are. Never beautiful. I am 37 now and definitely seen better days. If I had loads of money I would have so much work done. boob uplift, tummy tuck, get the legs sorted, eyes lasered (I wear glasses too) I literally sometimes fantasise about a lottery win because that would be the first thing I would do.

DH's ex is a few years older than me but she is stunning. and slim as fuck probably like a size 6 but big boobs. she looks very similar to kate moss, the bone structure and natural skinniness that means she will probably look great at 75. She and DP have DC together too, so I have to see her. She is really nice too, I don't hate her, I just feel completely and utterly in awe of her and absolutely inferior and green with envy. DH is very good looking as well, they just look so much better together than DH and I. And he just gets more out of my league as I get older.

If it matters, DH was the one who ended it with her, she has remarried so its not that I would think they would get back together. Its just that I literally have no idea what DH sees in me and what he must think when he has had so much better. He constantly tells me how beautiful sexy etc I am but I don't believe him as I hate myself.

I am so embarrassed to be writing this :(

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 13:31

PS I'm obviously not basing this factual info purely on a DM article, there have been plenty of other studies. A quick internet search shows the results .

thehypocritesoaf · 03/10/2015 13:31

She is basing her posts on 'factual' studies. Tee hee.

TheImminentGin · 03/10/2015 13:32

"Better looking" is an opinion. In your opinion your DP's ex is better looking. He prefers you to her though doesn't he.
I struggled with self esteem stem for a long time and of course, still do sometimes but my partner has told me over and over how attractive he finds me and frankly, it would be rude to keep disbelieving him
Conversely he often says he doesn't know what I see in him so I'll list his many lovely qualities. He is gorgeous in my eyes.
I know it's hard but you must try and believe your DP, truly believe that you are attractive, beautiful, sexy and gorgeous, to him.

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 13:32

thehypocritesoaf no, I'm not. In case you didn't catch it the first 4 times.

thehypocritesoaf · 03/10/2015 13:32

Yeah, slim women can never get a date. Tis true it was in a factual study.

TheImminentGin · 03/10/2015 13:33

Apologies for extra 'stem' in there randomly.

19lottie82 · 03/10/2015 13:33

Teehee!! Yes I am. What makes you think otherwise? Oh yes, your opinion! teehee!

Branleuse · 03/10/2015 13:33

that daily mail article is shit. Who really gives a flying fuck what most men prefer. You look like what you look like, give or take a few personal tweaks you can make. Plus they go on about marilyn monroe being a size 14 which is widely known as a myth

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2015 13:34

Why would you base your posts on 'factual studies' and then link to a DM article?

formerbabe · 03/10/2015 13:37

Some men like a woman who's a size 6, others prefer a size 16.

As someone who has been every size possible, I never struggled to get a date whether I was big or slim....but I think that's just because I'm fabulous as I'm sure you are too op...

GloriaSmellens · 03/10/2015 13:39

I know that you were only trying to make the OP feel better Lottie but seriously, give it a rest - you sound like one of those 'only dogs like bones' memes on Facebook which are always posted by clinically obese women it hey ho

I 'prefer' men who have a body like Chris Hemsworth - my DH definitely doesn't have that sort of body, but funnily enough that's not the only thing on my list of 'what makes a man attractive'.

MascaraAndConverse · 03/10/2015 13:40

She's an ex for a reason. He loves you, thinks you're attractive, he likes your personality. She might be good looking, but he might not think that any more. I used to think my ex was gorgeous, and he hasn't changed a bit looks wise in 6 years since we split. And I now think he's really minging tbh. His personality put me off him when I dumped him, not his looks! Personality is important.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/10/2015 13:54

Feeling, I know how you feel. My DP's ex is tall, slim, blonde, big boobs (not real) and generally makes the effort (hair & nails done, loads of make-up etc even for hanging out at home/going to the gym) whereas I am short, chunky, brunette and a bit mumsy!

Part of me thinks I should be growing my short hair longer, losing weight, getting fit, but then I think what's the point? I'll never be tall, slim and conventionally attractive like her. I've almost decided to embrace the fact that I'm the complete opposite to her and try to see that as a good thing, whereas being a version of her (superior or inferior!) would mean that her look was something he liked, whereas the fact that he chose someone who is the complete opposite shows that the tall skinny blonde thing is not important to him.

People won't turn to look when I walk down the street with him, whereas I'm sure when they were together they were the sort of couple people commented on about their attractiveness. However, I know that he tells people how good I am at other things, how happy I make him etc so while strangers may not see the instant and obvious things they saw with his ex, those who are important to him know what he sees in me.

He says I'm beautiful and don't need to change, but he is quite vain himself and is currently on a diet/health kick (annoyingly his ex is doing the same plan at the same time, while I continue to stuff my face with cake!) He says I don't need to join him, but he judges himself so harshly I find it hard to believe that he's happy with me being overweight and less conventionally attractive than him and his ex.

I don't know what the answer is, I know I have lots of good points that don't relate to looks and that actually they were really badly matched, whereas he and I have everything in common. I think as someone else says, if looks were really the most important thing he would be pretty shallow and if you love him, you don't think he's that superficial. Perhaps the answer is to love ourselves and accept that we are pretty awesome and they are lucky to have us?!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/10/2015 13:56

TheImminent my partner has told me over and over how attractive he finds me and frankly, it would be rude to keep disbelieving him

Love it!

HackerFucker22 · 03/10/2015 13:58

My DP'S ex is the complete opposite to me (she is tall, slim, blonde, well maintained - think fake tans and regularly had nails and eyebrows done, was a complete clothes horse).

I'm short, 2.5st heavier than when we met I was quite slim years ago tho , I bite my fingernails, have never had a fake tan or my brows done or dyed my hair in my life. I live in leggings and long tops.

Yet we've been together a decade and obviously doesn't base our relationship purely on what I look like. Thankfully.

The ex is actually a nice person (we don't see her often there were no DC involved) but they just weren't suited whereas we are.

roundandroundthehouses · 03/10/2015 14:08

I truly do understand about having little body confidence, especially as you get older, and I am older than you. But the cliche does stand - she's his ex for a reason. And he's the one who ended it with her. Clearly all her beauty and sexiness couldn't compensate for whatever problems they had that caused him to end the relationship. I can understand that, too. My ex was/is much better-looking on a conventional level, than my dh. The sort that turned heads in the street, potential model material. He wasn't even that much of a wanker - but the relationship was just flawed in many unsalvageable ways, and I ended it. My friends thought I was mad, because all they could see (and perhaps all that you can see in this woman?) was on the surface.

AdjustableWench · 03/10/2015 16:59

There's plenty of research in evolutionary psychology finding that men prefer a waist-hip ratio of about 0.7. For example, Devendra Singh's work over the years has been quite influential in establishing this as 'fact'.

But surely most people would agree that there's a difference between being attracted to someone and wanting to be in a long term relationship with them.

Grazia1984 · 03/10/2015 17:16

What is your weight and height?

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 03/10/2015 17:24

OP this is all about your confidence. The ex is just your focus because you feel so low (I say this as an overweight 30 yo who's DH works with beautiful 22 yo's). It's easy to feel unhappy with yourself and project that into feeling there is no real reason for your DH to want you. I understand this, my DH has got better looking with age, me not so much.
But you are more than your looks, and besides, if you could increase your confidence, your attractiveness will follow. What would make you feel better? Being healthier? Dressing better? Going to the gym? Whatever it is, do that. And believe your DH when he says you're good looking - if he wanted another woman like his ex he would have found one. He didn't, he found you and stopped looking!

thehypocritesoaf · 03/10/2015 17:27

men prefer a waist-hip ratio of about 0.7.
How does that translate into: I don't think most men would actually find a size 6 attractive!??

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/10/2015 17:36

DH's ex (the mother of two of his children) is very slim and quite pretty. She also doesn't smile much. If I ask dh what he sees in me he says I'm beautiful, I have the kindest heart and the most beautiful smile. I'm not ugly but I'm most certainly not beautiful. I do like myself though (i mean i think i'm quite a nice person) and I guess confidence and self esteem is half the battle. Be kinder to yourself op - it goes a long way.

AdjustableWench · 03/10/2015 17:42

How does that translate into: I don't think most men would actually find a size 6 attractive!??

If you're genuinely interested, I recommend reading the original research, which is easy to find via google - much better than reading a brief and probably oversimplified synopsis like those in the Daily Fail.

ahbollocks · 03/10/2015 17:48

Well assuming you are ugly ;)

I'm okay looking but the men I've been the most attracted to, like riptheirclothesoff throw myself at them have been distinctly average to the outside. To the extent of people asking why I'm with them
Because they were sexy and fun and charismatic!

So anyway, what I'm trying very clumsily to say is that maybe to the rest of the world you are plain, but the man who matters thinks you are the hottest woman walking the planet.

thehypocritesoaf · 03/10/2015 17:54

There's a lot of research about waist hip ratio- but nothing that says most men don't find a size 6 attractive.

Would you mind linking?

AdjustableWench · 03/10/2015 18:34

There's a lot of research about waist hip ratio- but nothing that says most men don't find a size 6 attractive.

Indeed. Evolutionary psychology research on body shape and attractiveness refers to waist-hip ratio or BMI rather than clothes size. You can probably work out why that is.

Would you mind linking?

I'm sure you can conduct your own research if you're that interested!

For the record, I don't agree that most men 'don't find a size 6 attractive'. Most men of my acquaintance are almost entirely uninterested in a woman's size. But that's anecdotal of course.

Also, for the record, I've read several papers on this subject and I think it's bullshit - I don't think that showing college age men a bunch of line drawings can tell us much about what people find attractive in real life (and already I'm oversimplifying...). Nevertheless, this research is widely accepted as 'fact'.

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