to ask how to cope when your DH/DP's ex is way better looking than I am?

[FeelingSecondBest]

I am OK looking. Average. Slim ish but a bit flabby, shit tummy from a c section. wobbly legs. saggy boobs. I cant wear skirts or ever show my legs as I have ugly varicose veins (thanks to multiple pregnancies). Tired looking after 4 DC. I try and hold back completely letting myself go by dyeing my hair, wearing make up, wearing nice clothes etc. I was ok when I was younger, but only pretty as most young people are. Never beautiful. I am 37 now and definitely seen better days. If I had loads of money I would have so much work done. boob uplift, tummy tuck, get the legs sorted, eyes lasered (I wear glasses too) I literally sometimes fantasise about a lottery win because that would be the first thing I would do.

DH's ex is a few years older than me but she is stunning. and slim as fuck probably like a size 6 but big boobs. she looks very similar to kate moss, the bone structure and natural skinniness that means she will probably look great at 75. She and DP have DC together too, so I have to see her. She is really nice too, I don't hate her, I just feel completely and utterly in awe of her and absolutely inferior and green with envy. DH is very good looking as well, they just look so much better together than DH and I. And he just gets more out of my league as I get older.

If it matters, DH was the one who ended it with her, she has remarried so its not that I would think they would get back together. Its just that I literally have no idea what DH sees in me and what he must think when he has had so much better. He constantly tells me how beautiful sexy etc I am but I don't believe him as I hate myself.

I am so embarrassed to be writing this :(

My uncle dated 2 girls that I remember before he married his wife. Both were gorgeous girls stunning looks (I was 4 and 6 and I can still remember both girls) Each relationship ended and then he met his now wife. She is not a looker (she has a hormone problem and produces to many male hormones) however she has the most gorgeous beautiful soul I know any person to have. My uncle is one of 7 siblings ALL his siblings adore (or adored - 3 have now passed) this woman all their partners feel the same way.. out of 15 cousins who got this lady as their aunt she is adored by all of us.

When my mother passed away this May she was the one whose arms I sobbed in. When my children told my husband we were visiting them he said " oh i am jealous"

Looks isn't much it is the soul of the person that leaves a impression. In my cause my aunt is just a shining light in our family..

So op the reason why your dh is with you is because he sees your soul and he loves your soul, and to him that makes you the most beautiful woman in the world.

Hey Beautiful!

I'm afraid I skipped the pages where BMI & Kate Moss were being discussed, I was impatient to give you my point of view on your post.

I have those bloody awful veins (just below the knee too, which is infuriating in summer), they're a proper punch in the confidence aren't they?

There's all kinds of things that'll make you feel better about yourself, some come with a price tag and some don't. Personally, I've found the older I get, the less I give a shit about 'beautiful' as a concept. I'm massively more confident, my insides feel good, and apparently that's attractive.

When I go out, I notice things I like about people - I can honestly say I've never clocked 'saggy boobs' or 'varicose veins' on someone, I've noticed 'SPLENDID HAIR' or 'MARVELLOUS EYEBROWS' and been very happy for them.

That said, I am the kind of person who will accost someone on the street to tell them how cool their sweater looks.

Is there anything you like about yourself today?

I was out all day yesterday so I am sorry I didn't respond until now

Thank you all for the posts, I was honestly sat here reading it all with tears in my eyes

I haven't looked at it from any other point of view other than my own. DH knows I feel insecure about his XW but he just thinks I am mad and says I am way better looking, but I don't believe him

Its ok for him, I have a significant ex as well (I have 2 DC with that ex, jerremy kyle has nothing on our set up, kids everywhere with all different people :D ) he is a lovely dad and person and we are good friends but bless him he is nowhere near DH in looks, intelligence, anything. So DH has no idea what its like.

to the person who said I have carried 4 dc, I should also add dh xw has got 4 dcs as well, she is one of the lucky few that manages to look like she has never even had one let alone 4 whereas I am , well, not

Enkop your glowing words about your aunt brought a tear to my eye, she sounds lovely and you are indeed lucky to have her in your family.

I bet you're over estimating her looks and underestimating your own.

My x was a very good looking man, but he was an asshole. I left him. He coudln't believe it mind you. I'm sure my next 'partner' (if I have one) won't look like him but I never felt so ''unlucky'' in love or so unhappy with a partner as I did with my x

""Maybe her bits smell like burning hair. ""

What's with the growing insults towards how women are perceived to smell?

This is the leader in Sexist put downs that as women (or decent people), we definitely shouldn't be perpetuating.

I'm hearing this insult more and more make a come back, it's horrendous.

Your partner should be with you because they love the person that you are, no need for comparisons or put downs towards other people (especially women).

i think you sound overinvested in what people look like

Well my OH ex was (havent seen her for 4 years so could be different) quite nice looking and a lot thinner than me. But my OH loves me just as I am, tells me I am pretty, sexy etc and also for the reasons such as taking care of him and he always tells me how nice I am etc. The ex on the other hand my OH describes as nice person yeah but also very lazy and someone who was incredibly naive and she didnt want to make any decisions and as soon as she had any struggle at university/school/work she would just quit.

So you need to remember they broke up for a reason and he loves you

Feeling your husband has made his choice and that choice is you.

That should be all that concerns you,that you love one another and are kind to one another and that you support each other.

I constantly tell my DH that he's gorgeous he always disagrees with me and tells me I must be blind.I've told him before that sometimes it make me really sad that he can't take what I'm telling him without putting himself down.

The 3 serious relationships that I've had other people have made comments,not nice one's to the men I was with.My ex husband would have people ask him how he managed to land me,some told him he was hitting well out of his league,some of this I heard and it made me so bloody angry and it made me really sad as well.My ex fiancee his own mother in front of him,me and his siblings told him to his face how lucky he was to have me and constantly told anyone that would listen that I was the best looking girl he'd ever been out with.My DH's ex wife(she commited adultery 2 months into the marriage)who he'd left before we even met,found out what I looked like and made lots of comments about my apperance.

I hated it all,I'd far rather be judged on who I am rather than how I look.

My DH has heard people say things before,strangers that don't know us who try to judge our relationship on looks alone my DH is gorgeous on the inside and the outside as far as I'm concerned and he now knows that all that matters is what we think and how we feel about one another and our relationship not what anyone else thinks or feels.

You sound like a really lovely person and I honestly believe that the only reason a person should ever change the way they look is for themselves.

bessarabiantiger I do exactly the same(compliment people I don't know)thank God I thought I was the only one that did that.Less worried about people thinking that I might need help now

ohtheholidays oh god I bet your DH/DP felt great hearing those comments :( people can be so insensitive

I think my attitude towards myself stems from my younger days, I always felt inferior to my younger siblings, they are twins and always could do no wrong my parents eyes, I was never complimented (on looks or otherwise) yet they would praise my friends for their looks. I was also bullied at school and had really shitty boyfriends in my teens. They made me feel inferior too. I always remember one who I really liked, I was 17.. I overheard him telling his mate he was only with me as this other girl he liked wouldnt go out with him. I knew who she was and She was gorgeous, like a Barbie doll. He was comparing me physically to her....I was gutted, how could I compete?

You need to be kinder to yourself, your DH is with you & he's with you for a reason.
We all have things we'd like to change, I'd love my pre-DC body back but it aint going to happen, mainly because I enjoy food & alcohol way too much but hey, fuck it-some things just aren't meant to be.
Stop focusing on the negatives & seek out the positives-they are there.

Looks don't mean anything when it comes to successful relationships. He is with you, he chose you.

I'm regarded as very attractive generally, but I would say it has hindered, not helped my chances of successful relationships. All my friends have amazing guys and I attract the losers.

The fact is, looks always fade and who you are is the most important thing.

Here's a crazy thought from my perspective, me being almost a man but not quite.

I love my girlfriend very much, her, as in the person, the ditzy, dim, air headed woman who's the funniest, most caring, wonderful person I have ever known. I care about what she sees as "faults", not because I see them as faults, but because she's unhappy about them.

She's lived a life and has the scars to prove it, but they're beautiful, they're her and without them she'd be someone different.

OP, your OH chooses to be with you, battle scars and all, do yoursen a favour and relax about it. Oh and buy shoes, shoes always help. ;)

I bet that you are much prettier than you think. Even if you aren't, your personality probably makes you attractive to others. Prior to your DH, did you think that your boyfriends were better looking than you (in your opinion?)

The bf that I felt the most passionate about at the beginning anyway was one of the least handsome men i've ever been out with. Can't explain it.

I have been out with good looking men in the past. My DP is not as physically attractive but he is the best man I have ever known, and my feelings for him are infinitely greater than anyone else I have ever cared for. They just cannot compare to him on any other level except (conventional) looks, but the more I look at his face, the more attractive he is to me and the less attractive anyone else is.

He loves you. Stop putting yourself down.

Be kind to yourself OP

evysdad that's lovely, your gf is very lucky

marynary no, I never did, but had never been out with anyone as attractive as DH, weird thing is, he isnt conventionally attractive either, but he has something about him that makes everyone seem to fancy him, my friends all used to fancy him before I got with him (I knew him before we got together) I see women looking at him all the time and it makes me feel shit....men used to look at me a lot when I was younger, now, not so much :/

thanks for all the replies by the way, I haven't been on at all last few days.

Secondbest from your later post maybe your lack of confidence stems from your childhood and your parents concentration on looks? That's bound to make an imprint, plus overhearing that numpty talk about you at quite a young age. Maybe the Ex reminds you sub-consciously of the girl he was comparing you to? Perhaps work on your confidence through counselling maybe - from the messages you were given when young and impressionable I'm not surprised you feel unworthy by virtue of how you look, even though you are obviously so much more than that - your DH can see it but because of your childhood you can't.

FWIW my ex is strikingly good-looking but also quite vain and looks-obsessed and after a while it didn't matter a damn what he looked like because of how he treated me - I found him completely unattractive. However current new man is less conventionally good-looking but so much more interesting and sexy as he is kind to me, interested in me, fancies me - believe me that after a short period of time the attraction of looks fades but this doesn't!!

FSB, I'm quite similar. I also have a very attractive sister who is much slimmer and more chic than me. On a bad day I can sometimes feel that I was put on this earth to show everyone what she would look like if she let herself go.

She never makes me feel this way though, this is something I do to myself, and always have done. I also often feel insecure at what DH still sees in me after pregnancies, illness, weight gain etc. If I'm honest, I don't really make kind judgments about myself at all. I'd never let anyone else treat me as badly as I treat me.

DH has told me that if I can't actually see that I am nice looking, would I please at least take it from him that I am better than I think? Maybe this would work for you. The situation is not that you are inferior or off-putting, just that you are the one person who doesn't see your own special appeal. Trust your DH when he says the appeal is there.

Just think of Duchess of Cornwell versus Diana. No question who was the looker. No question who was most loved.

YY, re: Diane/Camilla. Diana looked great, for sure, but was an absolute fruitcake. I bet you'd have a right laugh with Camilla.

And actually, I think she's looking better now than she ever has. £££s and dressers must help a bit, I should think, but even so.

Your low self esteem is tinting what you see when you look in a mirror. When your DP looks at you, his view is tinted by the love he has for you. Which sounds beyond cheesy but it is true. You're see your 'flaws' exaggerated and much much worse than they are and he doesn't see them at all.

What his EX looks like is irrelevant. I think you'd fault with yourself no matter what she looked like. Stop comparing yourself with her, with people on the TV, with pictures in magazines. Your DP doesn't do it.

Some of the posts on Style & Beauty will show you how skewed a persons self view can be. I've seen posters say how awful their frizzy hair is, it's so hideous etc and then they'll post a picture for advice and they have thick, shiny, swishy hair. Or "My face is so fat and moonlike, really struggling to find a cut to suit." and their picture is of a gorgeous, glowing beauty. Time and time again.

You really need to stop studying your 'faults' in the mirror and start focusing on what you do like about yourself. Your self esteem needs working on here.

And believe him when he says you're gorgeous.