to ask how to cope when your DH/DP's ex is way better looking than I am?

[FeelingSecondBest]

I am OK looking. Average. Slim ish but a bit flabby, shit tummy from a c section. wobbly legs. saggy boobs. I cant wear skirts or ever show my legs as I have ugly varicose veins (thanks to multiple pregnancies). Tired looking after 4 DC. I try and hold back completely letting myself go by dyeing my hair, wearing make up, wearing nice clothes etc. I was ok when I was younger, but only pretty as most young people are. Never beautiful. I am 37 now and definitely seen better days. If I had loads of money I would have so much work done. boob uplift, tummy tuck, get the legs sorted, eyes lasered (I wear glasses too) I literally sometimes fantasise about a lottery win because that would be the first thing I would do.

DH's ex is a few years older than me but she is stunning. and slim as fuck probably like a size 6 but big boobs. she looks very similar to kate moss, the bone structure and natural skinniness that means she will probably look great at 75. She and DP have DC together too, so I have to see her. She is really nice too, I don't hate her, I just feel completely and utterly in awe of her and absolutely inferior and green with envy. DH is very good looking as well, they just look so much better together than DH and I. And he just gets more out of my league as I get older.

If it matters, DH was the one who ended it with her, she has remarried so its not that I would think they would get back together. Its just that I literally have no idea what DH sees in me and what he must think when he has had so much better. He constantly tells me how beautiful sexy etc I am but I don't believe him as I hate myself.

I am so embarrassed to be writing this :(

OP, your DH loves YOU, all of you...even your varicose veins.

For what it's worth I kind of understand. My DH was always lovely but is getting better with age whereas I am twice the size I was when we met (over 20 years ago) and time has not been kind. When we walk along together (holding hands ) I wonder what people must think as we are very mis-matched. But I know my Dh loves me for who I am, because I make him tea when he's not well, because I cook his favourite dinner when he's tired etc etc, because I am a kind, caring and lovely woman. The things that truly matter are on the inside. So what if your outside doesn't look as polished/slim/toned as it could be...your DH loves you for the person you are on the inside.

If your DH put on a couple of pounds or went a bit deaf...would you fall out of love with him? Of course not. And he feels exactly the same about you.

*hoggle
worra
houseonthelane
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1192439/So-men-REALLY-prefer-Miss-Average.html

worra I'm not saying ALL men like the same type, of course not that's pretty obvious! But research shows they do like their women a bit meatier than most women think!

There's a lot of speculation on here. In fact, statistically, men prefer women with a BMI of 20.85. For me, as an example: I'm 5' 7" so would need to be 9stone 5 to have that magical BMI. I was there once, and I was a size 8-10. Yes, definitely got more male attention.

I'm now 11stone :-( and a size 12, and definitely get less male attention.

You're going to get loads of posts on Kate Moss not being attractive and how size 6 isn't great.

KM is beautiful and yes size 6 can be very attractive to others, of course they can.

I think it's just one of those things you need to move on from. What's the point in comparing. He's with you now and obviously does find you attractive.

Are you really using the DM to prove a 'fact'?

Anyway my bmi is 23. I am however very slim as it's mostly muscle. I have low body fat, due to the huge amount sport I do.

Bmi has little to do with dress size.

Op, this is an issue that you need to tackle. It's about your self esteem. What the ex looks like won't make a bit of difference if you feel good about yourself. I know this because I have been there. I was 20 stone wondering why the hell dh would want to be seen out with me. Now I am happy within myself, it what everyone else looks like doesn't effect me like it used too.

Don't judge your attractiveness on how "men" see you, that's just ick.

Comparison is the thief of joy op. You sound like a lovely person, work on your confidence.

Fuck me Lottie, 100 Australian men took part in a study and you're still maintaining that 'most men' would prefer a woman who is a size 12-14?

And that's regardless of the fact they might be 4ft 10" or 6ft 2"?

Again I'll say that men (even 100 Aussie men) are all individual people, with individual tastes.

I have no idea why you're trying to make women feel bad about their bodies here.

The mail article is bloody vile.

They are calling Sarah Jessica-Parker "child sized" amongst other things. Just another example of how much they hate women, and want women to hate each other as well.

Lottie using the Daily Fail as a source for facts will only gain you laughter here.

using the Daily Fail as a source for facts will only gain you laughter here

Or anywhere to be fair.

Even the Daily Fail staffroom I would imagine

Attraction is about so much more than looks.

Please let's not get into the all the men prefer a certain size shit.

Op, you need to work on yourself. Not on your looks- but in valuing yourself for far more than your looks.

I don't think most men would actually find a size 6 attractive! Give them a size 12-14 over that any day.

Wow. What a bitchy thing to say. Is it alright if I said- "most people wouldn't find size 14 attractive, they'd go for a size six any day"

OP- looks aren't everything for one. And for two, it's really hard to see yourself as others see you. I bet you're far more aesthetically pleasing than you realise

Comparison is the thief of happiness: every time you catch yourself comparing, consciously stop and change the subject in your mind. You have four DC, a gorgeous DH and a healthy body! Compliment yourself and focus on your many positive attributes.

worra I've already said this, but I will repeat it again.

1. I'm not trying to body shame anyone.

2. I'm not saying all men like the exact same body type, but studies show that in general they prefer them a little larger than most women would think. There have been plenty of studies.

I don't care what random men think about my body so if that's meant to be encouraging it isn't.

Show him this thread (either anonymously or not). I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised. When me and my OH met some would have regarded me as the 'settler' and him as the 'reacher'. Many years later it now looks the reverse ( I like to think I made a long term investment) . It's definitely more about your relationship with each other than the packaging, which by the way tells a story as a parent/carer/much life experience. I bet you are lovely anyhow!

How do you think an insecure size six would feel about your post them?

thehypocritesoaf I don't really understand what you mean?

Lottie you can say it until you're blue in the face but you are definitely body shaming.

I sincerely hope the OP isn't under a size 12, just in case she falls for that sort of 'Facebook-esque' bollocks.

you are basing your entire self worth/esteem on your value as a decorative object. This is bullshit. Its no way to live. Im sure your dps ex is beautiful and nice, but that doesnt mean anything in terms of how well a couple click, or what arguments people have, or issues they can or cannot resolve.
Do you feel like everyone that is better looking than your dp, youd want to leave him for?? I doubt it.

I think i am probably better looking than my exHs now-wife, but me and my ex didnt get on for ages before we split. He dumped me for her- he did us both a favour, but I got lots of comments from so many people (to try and make me feel better I guess) about how she wasnt as pretty as me, but fgs, it was never, and is never about looks is it? I hope they get on better than me and him ever did.

I am probably less conventionally attractive than my dps ex. definitely less thin. I probably ruminated over this a bit at the beginning, but your value as a partner, a wife and as a person, is about you as a whole. Your mind, your attitude, your beliefs, your intelligence, your politics, your connection what you DO. If you also scrub up nicely, thats a bonus

How would an insecure size 6 feel? The same as an insecure size 4/8/10/12/14/16/18 I'd imagine!

OP you may indeed look like you've been dug up (I however doubt it) or you may indeed look like a supermodel but either state is irrelevant is you don't feel good.

You self esteem and confidence need working on, not your physique.

worra I'm basing my posts on factual studies, I'm sorry if that upsets you. This isn't my "opinion" as such. Where as it is your opinion that I'm body shaming. I know I'm not and I obviously can't convince you so I guess there's no point in trying.

Er you said most men don't find a size 6 attractive.

And you're not trying to body shame slimmer women? Right.

OMG That DM article is disgusting! 100 Australian men Please kick me if I ever open such a link ever again.