to ask for your help in wording an email to my siblings?

[LaLyra]

This probably isn't the right place. And I probably should be able to compose an email by myself, but my DH is away, 3 of my 5 children have chicken pox, one of my DD's seems to think she's 23 rather than 13 and my fucking siblings are being a bloody nightmare.

I'm the youngest of four siblings. My brothers are 9 and 8 years older than me and my sister 6. Our father is dying. Apparently he has days left at most. My siblings have decided that we will be going to the funeral together and that we'll each be contributing a set amount to flowers, one set from us and one set from "the grandchildren".

When I was 7 my paternal grandparents realised how much of an abusive monster their son was, and that their DIL wasn't much better. We stayed with them on Friday night like we did every week and they spotted an iron burn on my sister. After speaking to us and everything finally coming out they went to the police, social services and our school and after lots and lots of arguments we never, ever went home.

Since then I've seen my father maybe a dozen times. Usually when he turned up at GP's looking for money for booze or drugs, or to shout at them because "his" money (child benefit and family allowance) had been stolen by them.

Last year we were told by a distant relative that he had cancer. Sister decided to visit him. This caused uproar with my brothers at the time, one of them even stopped speaking to her for several months. I told her she had to make her own decisions because we each have to live with our choices. I wouldn't be visiting as I want nothing to do with him.

Over the past months she has visited him regularly and was even planning on him coming to stay with her when he left hospital, but instead he's had to go to a hospice place for care. My brothers have softened to her decision to the point that they have both been going with her (again, imo, that's their choice).

However, they've now decided on this funeral/flowers plan. I said no and since then I've had emails/phone calls from each of them and now they are taking the "we always agreed we'd stick together" line, which is hurtful to me because we took that line against our parents. After another email today I need to put together a reply that is firm, but not too emotional (if there's any hint of emotion they'll just ignore it).

I need it to be right because if I put it well they'll get it (we've been here before and if I word things right it's like they suddenly remember I'm not a child anymore). In many ways I know I shouldn't even bother, but they're my siblings and I'm not ready to cut them off yet.

"I wanted to make my position clear to each of you as there seems to be some sort of belief amongst the three of you that my mind can, or will, be changed.

I will not be going to this funeral. I will not be contributing to flowers and you will not be including my children in any sort of tribute from grandchildren. This is not something I will be changing my mind on.

I do not appreciate the "sticking together" line being thrown at me over this. We used to say that to each other when we were promising to protect each other from them. Now it feels to me that you are allowing him to use it against me.

I support your decisions to go to the funeral because it is something the three of you clearly wish to do, just like I have supported your decision to visit him. All I ask is that you do me the same courtesy by respecting my decision not to go."

I hope things get better once the funeral is past.

Your sister has shown her true colours, if she tries to sweep everything into the past once they have decided the time is right- don't let her.

She and your elder brother have bullied and hurt you.

You might find that the big link which holds you together with your siblings has gone, ie parents and childhood. Then you treat them like you would friends ie if you like them you keep close contact, if you don't have much in common you seldom see them.
This can be the case for any family ime.

I couldn't forgive her for that. More concerned with money than her relationship with you.

I hope now that your father is dead things will resolve as well as possible for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's a loss of what might have been, what others take for granted, for what you thought you might still have in your siblings. Thinking of you.

I really hope things improve very quickly, hugs x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot believe your sister banked the cheque. With your parents both dead now you have no obligation at all to stay in contact with your siblings. Do what feels right for you. You can always chat to us when the funeral is on or anytime if we can help.

I wasn't really sure about updating this, but I know sometimes it can be frustrating if someone doesn't.

I haven't spoken to my sister and eldest brother since October. There was a huge row on my doorstep when they turned up unannounced and uninvited. Several things were said by them both that I consider unforgivable.

Other brother (L) and I are in contact, but it's not the same. I think it'll be a very long time before it is the same, if it ever can be. He's horrified with himself, but I don't ever see me going back to feeling like I can rely on him like I used too. We've had a few very honest conversations that have left us both in tears and he is having counselling as he's very confused. He is in contact with the other two and I believe they are putting pressure on him to "make" me fall into line.

My sister cashed the cheque. Eldest brother cashed his, but then transferred the money back to me. L tore his up and had a massive row with them over the issue.

I've made a decision about Christmas that is being seen as a huge gesture by them, but it's not really. DH and I are taking the kids, PIL, BIL, other PIL's (DH's PIL from his late first wife) to two cottages in the highlands for Christmas and New Year. It's something we've talked about many, many times, but I had a Christmas tradition of going to my Nana's church on Christmas Eve and the cemetery on Christmas morning. My siblings had the same tradition. For the past years they've all either had dinner at mine or come around in the evening. I'm a bit sad that I won't see my nieces and nephews on Christmas Day, but I don't know if I'd see them if I was here anyway. I think it's time to focus completely on my little family unit now. They've chosen not to be part of that and that's up to them.

I'm still very sad about it all. However, I have realised that my eldest brother was more of a bully than I realised. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm glad I stuck to my guns. I don't feel not going to the funeral, or to visit him, was the wrong thing.

The one highlight of the whole saga was that DS (16) was highly amused when he heard his grandmother (other MIL) call my brother "an absolute knob". She's quite posh and he's never heard her speak like that. He almost broke a rib laughing about it. He's also been wonderful and made me cry in a good way by reminding me that blood links are very unimportant (he's technically my step-son).

Thank you so much for all the help. DH was working away and it really did help on a night when I felt very much alone.

I have only really read your posts OP and skimmed the rest, so don't know if this has been mentioned.

You were 7 and your nearest in age sibling was 6 years older, the other two even older. They were teenagers when the abuse was discovered. You had much longer of having a more normal life. Their feelings are bound to be a little more conflicted.

That said, they do not have the right to order you about to do as they wish!

This is true MammaTJ. However they also have good memories before it got bad.

Also normal is a big stretch for what my life became. I lived without the violence for longer, but normal isn't dashing from car to flat in fear that he'd be waiting outside. None of us had a normal life.

I think that when they went off to uni and could have a normal life they assumed the same was happening at home when (as they know now) it wasn't. Unless your abusive father being arrested numerous times for trying to kick the door in is normal.

Thank-you for updating - I'm sad for you that it couldn't be a happier update. I'm glad you are in contact with your brother L and although it isn't the same, you've both been through so much I hope with time you can both build a healthier, more mutual and honest relationship.

What is lovely is that you have achieved such a wonderful new family with your DH and that you have not one but 2 sets of ILs that support you 100%. Your kids couldn't have a better start in life.

Thanks for updating OP. Hopefully things will settle down over time.

Wishing you peace and happiness from here on in

LaLyra your entire story really moved me. You are one strong lady
It's sad that you had to endure so much with your parents and now siblings. However you have been blessed with a wonderful husband, great Kids and IL's. You have changed things for the better for your own family unit. Best of luck x

Oh goodness, sorry, that is far from normal! So sorry!

Keep strong and do not give in though.