This probably isn't the right place. And I probably should be able to compose an email by myself, but my DH is away, 3 of my 5 children have chicken pox, one of my DD's seems to think she's 23 rather than 13 and my fucking siblings are being a bloody nightmare.
I'm the youngest of four siblings. My brothers are 9 and 8 years older than me and my sister 6. Our father is dying. Apparently he has days left at most. My siblings have decided that we will be going to the funeral together and that we'll each be contributing a set amount to flowers, one set from us and one set from "the grandchildren".
When I was 7 my paternal grandparents realised how much of an abusive monster their son was, and that their DIL wasn't much better. We stayed with them on Friday night like we did every week and they spotted an iron burn on my sister. After speaking to us and everything finally coming out they went to the police, social services and our school and after lots and lots of arguments we never, ever went home.
Since then I've seen my father maybe a dozen times. Usually when he turned up at GP's looking for money for booze or drugs, or to shout at them because "his" money (child benefit and family allowance) had been stolen by them.
Last year we were told by a distant relative that he had cancer. Sister decided to visit him. This caused uproar with my brothers at the time, one of them even stopped speaking to her for several months. I told her she had to make her own decisions because we each have to live with our choices. I wouldn't be visiting as I want nothing to do with him.
Over the past months she has visited him regularly and was even planning on him coming to stay with her when he left hospital, but instead he's had to go to a hospice place for care. My brothers have softened to her decision to the point that they have both been going with her (again, imo, that's their choice).
However, they've now decided on this funeral/flowers plan. I said no and since then I've had emails/phone calls from each of them and now they are taking the "we always agreed we'd stick together" line, which is hurtful to me because we took that line against our parents. After another email today I need to put together a reply that is firm, but not too emotional (if there's any hint of emotion they'll just ignore it).
I need it to be right because if I put it well they'll get it (we've been here before and if I word things right it's like they suddenly remember I'm not a child anymore). In many ways I know I shouldn't even bother, but they're my siblings and I'm not ready to cut them off yet.
"I wanted to make my position clear to each of you as there seems to be some sort of belief amongst the three of you that my mind can, or will, be changed.
I will not be going to this funeral. I will not be contributing to flowers and you will not be including my children in any sort of tribute from grandchildren. This is not something I will be changing my mind on.
I do not appreciate the "sticking together" line being thrown at me over this. We used to say that to each other when we were promising to protect each other from them. Now it feels to me that you are allowing him to use it against me.
I support your decisions to go to the funeral because it is something the three of you clearly wish to do, just like I have supported your decision to visit him. All I ask is that you do me the same courtesy by respecting my decision not to go."