to ask for your help in wording an email to my siblings?

[LaLyra]

This probably isn't the right place. And I probably should be able to compose an email by myself, but my DH is away, 3 of my 5 children have chicken pox, one of my DD's seems to think she's 23 rather than 13 and my fucking siblings are being a bloody nightmare.

I'm the youngest of four siblings. My brothers are 9 and 8 years older than me and my sister 6. Our father is dying. Apparently he has days left at most. My siblings have decided that we will be going to the funeral together and that we'll each be contributing a set amount to flowers, one set from us and one set from "the grandchildren".

When I was 7 my paternal grandparents realised how much of an abusive monster their son was, and that their DIL wasn't much better. We stayed with them on Friday night like we did every week and they spotted an iron burn on my sister. After speaking to us and everything finally coming out they went to the police, social services and our school and after lots and lots of arguments we never, ever went home.

Since then I've seen my father maybe a dozen times. Usually when he turned up at GP's looking for money for booze or drugs, or to shout at them because "his" money (child benefit and family allowance) had been stolen by them.

Last year we were told by a distant relative that he had cancer. Sister decided to visit him. This caused uproar with my brothers at the time, one of them even stopped speaking to her for several months. I told her she had to make her own decisions because we each have to live with our choices. I wouldn't be visiting as I want nothing to do with him.

Over the past months she has visited him regularly and was even planning on him coming to stay with her when he left hospital, but instead he's had to go to a hospice place for care. My brothers have softened to her decision to the point that they have both been going with her (again, imo, that's their choice).

However, they've now decided on this funeral/flowers plan. I said no and since then I've had emails/phone calls from each of them and now they are taking the "we always agreed we'd stick together" line, which is hurtful to me because we took that line against our parents. After another email today I need to put together a reply that is firm, but not too emotional (if there's any hint of emotion they'll just ignore it).

I need it to be right because if I put it well they'll get it (we've been here before and if I word things right it's like they suddenly remember I'm not a child anymore). In many ways I know I shouldn't even bother, but they're my siblings and I'm not ready to cut them off yet.

"I wanted to make my position clear to each of you as there seems to be some sort of belief amongst the three of you that my mind can, or will, be changed.

I will not be going to this funeral. I will not be contributing to flowers and you will not be including my children in any sort of tribute from grandchildren. This is not something I will be changing my mind on.

I do not appreciate the "sticking together" line being thrown at me over this. We used to say that to each other when we were promising to protect each other from them. Now it feels to me that you are allowing him to use it against me.

I support your decisions to go to the funeral because it is something the three of you clearly wish to do, just like I have supported your decision to visit him. All I ask is that you do me the same courtesy by respecting my decision not to go."

There may be a degree of resentment because they don't feel you suffered as much as they did because of their age, but they would and should know how unreasonable that is.

Perhaps they are even being a bit in denial and with you reminding them of the truth by staying strong, it invalidates their ability to live in that denial.

Whatever their reasoning is is unfair and flawed. It is not right for them to be so vile towards you and try to bully you. Turning your phone off and ignoring their emails sounds like the best idea. Counselling may really help you stay strong through this.

I do think it may be less intense after he dies and the funerals been had. You may have to just avoid until after and hope they come to their senses.

I think in their grief and conflicting feelings over a man who they loved yet was so cruel to them they really are forgetting that your childhood was different to theirs, that you don't have any happy memories of him and that it didn't end when you moved to live with your grandparents.

Yes to seeing a counsellor as soon as possible. I would also think of some stock phrases to close down any arguments they try to pick with you that won't inflame the situation.

"I would feel a hypocrite"
"I don't have any happy memories only ones full of fear"
"I'm glad your happy with your choice, I am happy with mine"
"I'm sad that you feel that way about the inheritance, that you are still resentful that I got £x more than each of you and that my time nursing GM before her death isn't appreciated"

Hopefully they will back off and be in a more rational and reasonable state of mind when you next hear from them.

When my schizophrenic ex-MIL died (she knew how she was behaving and believed she was entitled to do as she pleased) my ex husband didn't recognise the women 3 of his siblings spoke about! She was an abusive, manipulative, violent women who did her best to destroy every one of them - "wonderful mother who will be desperately missed" they didn't visit her in hospital in her last months or anything!

It's possible that deep down they are uncomfortable with the choice they've made to be back in contact. Your strong and clear stance highlights their discomfort that there was more than one option about this. So in order to feel that theirs was the 'right' choice they are trying to make you come over into their camp. The fact that you won't will be making them dig their heels in question whether they have actually made the best decision. Which means questioning their own judgement. They'd rather get you to collude with them that it is better their way, than have to admit to themselves that their decision could have been the wrong one. Well done for not being chivvied, bullied or manipulated into changing your mind.

Sounds very complex, but yours is the clearest head.

Stick to your guns.

As for different DCs seeing things differently - I don't think there is much you can do about that, I was to find that DM and eldest in family believed they'd had the hardest time due to DF's drinking - in fact they'd had about 8 years of pre drink happy times!! Whereas the youngest had a whole childhood of the fall out of an alcy DF.

I made my views known about that bollox, but what people perceive and believe is what it is, there's not much you can do to change it.

And envy over unfairness in wills is something you'll have to live with but no harm in reminding them they had a say in it (which is not often the case).

Sounds to me like your sibs have had a number of conversations with your dad and made their peace with him and are trying to move on, but the thorn in the side is the fact that you are not playing the game.
Don't be dragged into this - you do not have to rewrite history to suit them.
I think you are being fair and reasonable - if you are not able to forgive, you don't have to.

I'm so sorry your siblings cannot accept your decision, and that your eldest brother has been so horrible. I hope that SIL can put your mind at rest.

I'm here love, holding your hand.

My other hand is outstretched to sadwidow and everyone else who has similar going on, or to come.

LaLyra you have a right to your truth, a right to your anger, sadness and disappointment.

When we come from a dysfunctional family, the ganging up is what's most upsetting as it denies us our truth. To be pressured to dismiss all of our feelings that were so hard to acknowledge is just gutting.

The pain of all this strikes at the inner child, that's why it is so raw, so overwhelming.

It takes an inordinate amount of strength and focus to identify our truth and hang on to it while others try to tell us we remembered it wrong because they wish the real truth was different.

Nobody can take away from us our experiences. Only we can process them and put them where they need to be for us to be able to move onward.

You're streets ahead of them mentally and emotionally. They are still trapped, you are free.

I'm sorry.
The "re writing" history thing is very common ime.
They obv didn't have the same upbringing as you. They have no right to be telling you how you should feel.
As for the money thing...also very common I'm afraid. People who were very close can become totally estranged over money/effects after a bereavement.
I think counselling would a be great idea for you.
I'm not sure your relationship with your siblings will ever be the same, but that's not your fault.

Thank you everyone.

I had a good chat with my SIL last night. I think the fact that my eldest brother has never had counselling is really starting to show here. The swing from being angry at my sister to being angry at me is really massive - opposite ends of the scale.

I had another email last night from him that could potentially be the end of our relationship. He's crossing too many lines and I'm not prepared to stand for that.

I sent another email to the three of them, one that clearly went to all three (there's an accusation of playing them off against each other which is nonsense). Just very simply saying that, in the interests of clarity, I wanted to make clear I wasn't trying to tell them they couldn't, or shouldn't, go to the funeral or get flowers. Just that I had made the decision for me, and my children, that I wasn't going to visit, I wasn't going to the funeral and I wish no part in it. I had read and accept that they think I'll regret this decision, and I thank them for their concern, however I've made a decision that i am confident is right for me and if there should be any regrets, which there won't be, they will be mine to deal with.

The will thing has upset me greatly (and has made my SIL furious). It wasn't the right thing to do probably, but I did say in the email that throwing this at me, via email, was incredibly hurtful and unfair (this was the one email he didn't cc the other two in). It's very upsetting to me to think my siblings have been resenting this for all the years since my Nana died. I have worked out the difference that they'd have been owed (works out at £1800ish each) and have written them each a cheque which I will put in the post on Wednesday when I'm next at the Post Office. SIL thinks other brother and sister have no idea eldest brought this up - she hadn't any clue and she's livid.

I'm concerned about eldest brother. He's damaging his marriage and his relationship with DN is at an all time low, which is even worse than trashing his relationship with me. However, I can only help him so far. I need to protect me for the sake of my kids.

MIL came round with a surprise lunch for us and has now herded the kids out into the garden with chalk. DDs (13yo) are getting cabin fever so despite the fact they'd look at me like I had two heads if I'd suggested it they are happily drawing on the patio. DS (8) is in his element because the girls are playing with him! Ended up sharing most of it with MIL (she knows me well and knew something was wrong) and she's been a great shoulder.

Thank you again. Hopefully it'll calm down and you won't have to put up with any more of my whinging. I really appreciate it.

Don't be silly - you're not whinging (and even if you were, that's the main purpose of MN).

Hopefully your siblings will see sense once he's dead and buried. It's really shitty that they're treating you this way.

You're not whinging LaLyra, this is what we're for. We're like a sweary version of the Samaritans

You do sound so much healthier than your siblings. They will resent you for breaking ranks as it threatens their view of themselves though.

Definitely not whinging.

Yes protect yourself but please remember that your siblings were all damaged greatly too. I don't mean pander to them but forgive easily and stay calm.

for coping with this sh*t as well as you are, your poor SIL sounds like she's banging her head on brick walls with him

Sweary version of the Samaritans is brilliant

You're not whinging at all love, cuts vital to sense check this stuff and express the feelings it all stirs up.

What is happening to you is too much To go through alone and unless you've been through it l, it's hard to understand.

Best money ever spent was the counselling, as you can see is so sadly lacking in your brother.

I do feel sorry for him somehow, for all of them, they are not equipped to deal with any of this and they must be in a permanent state of abject fear and panic.

I hope posting here brings you some normality and calm.

I think you've handled the situation brilliantly OP. Glad SIL is on your side and that you have a lovely MIL

If your siblings cash those cheques, it speaks volumes about them imo. Hopefully they won't go that far as to show such resentment. You are very strong, I'm glad you have some support.

Please don't think you are whining. Come back and update whenever you feel upset, angry or overwhelmed, we are on your side.

OP you sound very clear headed and strong.

Counselling waiting lists are almost non existent if you're paying.

Morning LaLyra, how are you feeling about it all today?

I'm really hoping your siblings see sense soon and apologise profusely for being such arses.

I'm pleased that your SIL is on your side and can see what an idiot her husband is being. Don't blame yourself for any problems in their relationship though - he's causing them all himself.

I once read an interesting article that said in cases of child abuse it is usually the youngest children that end up the most affected and potentially damaged. This is because, usually, with the first child the parents are often coping and things don't start to unravel until they have more children. So in the early years there is less abuse but things gradually get worse and worse so that younger children often never experience affection or kindness. So although your siblings had more time with your father, they also had time with him when he wasn't abusive whereas, as you have said, that wasn't your experience at all.

you are being incredibly brave and strong and that's not easy. Also kudos to your sil for not capitulating to your older brothers crap! Frankly sounds like he's turning into your bloody father!

I totally get the rewriting history thing, my sister is in almost complete denial about what a shit our dad was/is! And I'm not using the term denial in the blasé way its often bandied about its like genuine amnesia!

Stick to your guns! Only way I'll be attending my dads funeral will be to make damn sure the bastards dead!

It was way out of line for your brother to raise the will issue as its not even relevant! I'm actually kinda hoping sister and younger brother didn't know and will be shocked and disappointed he's done this.

Your dh and Mil sound like good people so glad you have them. My ex pil had their own faults but were very supportive when I went NC with my dad (and they'd only been told the least bad stuff they didn't know the half of it!). But then they'd had abuse as kids too.

Again stick to your guns and don't for one second think there's anything wrong with that, if anything I think your siblings (perhaps not older brother) may look back at this time in a few years and regret their actions.

my dad who I am NC with is dying, i do wonder if i should visit, will i feel guilty afterwards.

I guess your brothers and sisters are having the same doubts.

Depends on why you're NC Passive. If it was an argument over the Christmas turkey that got out of hand or a personality clash then you should visit. If you're NC because he's abusive (don't forget to include emotional abuse, financial abuse etc) then fuck him unless you think a good rant would be cathartic and that you have the ovaries to tell a dying man exactly why he's a piece of shit.

PAQueen I was persuaded to end being NC with my dad 'for my sake' as in so I didn't feel guilty when he eventually dies. I was also lied to that he'd changed. He hasn't he's still a manipulative, abusive, controlling angry twat and always will be! And I wish I'd stayed NC!

Agree with Queenstromba though if it was a petty argument that got out of hand that's different. Agree you may regret if that's the case.

Just wanted to say you seem to be a strong woman. You've made your decision and as long as you can live with that decision it's no ones business but your own. Your siblings are. Choosing to deal with your fathers imminent death in a different way to you. You could ask them how they'd feel if you forbade them to visit or go to the funeral. I imagine they would think that was overstepping your authority which is exactly what they're trying to do with you.
Love and hugs sent to you at this stressful time.

Your wording is fine. You have already made it clear you don't want anything to do with him so they must accept that as your decision. If they are not listening counseling might be a good idea as you would be heard as you deserve to be. There is an organization called NAPAC for adult survivors of childhood abuse might be worth looking at their website fo support. Take care??