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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of DP constantly stalling in regards to us protecting my rights?

112 replies

MrsRonniePickering · 01/10/2015 17:35

Basically for two years now we've been going back and forth on the issue of us going to a solicitor to have our house (currently in his name only despite us both paying the mortgage) put into a tenants in common agreement to protect the money that I put in and to protect my rights overall. In all that time he's vonstantly tried to talk me out of it but I eventually put my foot down and we went to solicitor today. He reckons he totally agrees with me that my rights should be protected and said he'd use the solicitor he's always used as she's the dogs bollocks basically and knows everything. We went and she's lovely, I instantly liked her and trusted that she knew what she was doing. DP continuoudly agreed with Her, nodded his head and laughed along to her jokes ... Yet when we came out he decided he didn't agree with her, thought she'd got some legal stuff wrong and he'd need to "read up more" on the Internet Hmm with regards to how to split shares on houses. She also suggested we make an appointment with our current mortgage provider in regards to remortgaging. He is now saying it's best if he "looks around" so again he's going against her advise.
Imo this now just comes across as more stalling. Also, why do I get no say in whether we make appointments or not?? Why is it all on his terms???

The solicitor suggested a 55/45% split in his favour. He's unhappy as he thinks that's unfair to him. He did put a lot more into the deposit than I did but I have been paying 50/50 since then and will always do so. So beating this in mind she suggested it would be unfair to have me stuck on a tiny % especially considering we are getting married and I'm normal circumstances would accumulate a bigger share through marriage anyway. Hence the 45/55. I think he feels badly done to. This is why, imo he's stalling again.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 01/10/2015 18:02

I put 16k into ours, DP put a couple in... We bought together 50/50. To be honest I don't think his 19k is worth not going 50/50 with an established partner... If it was 50k yes...

whois · 01/10/2015 18:03

I would protect his deposit plus the capital gain up to the point you started paying in. Then 50/50 on any gain since then.

Original poster
MrsRonniePickering · 01/10/2015 18:06

See that's the thing. I could tell him to forget all this and I'll settle for the 50/50 that marriage gives me. He'd soon shit himself then. I'm trying to be reasonable, I'm not a gold digger and am not interested in his money but I do feel like shit when he's squabbling over stuff like this - even at a sin that is in HIS favour written up by HIS solicitor!!!

OP posts:
vintagenurse · 01/10/2015 18:06

This would be a dealbreaker for me. My husband and I own our house as tenants in common (60/40 in my favour), I discussed with him my reasons why, he agreed, I got the solicitor to draw the papers up and he signed on the dotted line. Was a non issue for us. Be careful - think how difficult he would be if you were to divorce.

Original poster
MrsRonniePickering · 01/10/2015 18:06

Whois we moved into it together at the same time and have always both paid into it since we moved in.

OP posts:
londonrach · 01/10/2015 18:07

When are you getting married?

Original poster
MrsRonniePickering · 01/10/2015 18:07

In 6 months.

OP posts:
Spartans · 01/10/2015 18:11

If I wasn't married I would agree to both deposits being secured then 50/50 split on the rest.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 18:16

Unless you will stand in front of the priest/registrar believing in your heart that this is the best man in the world for you, you shouldn't be getting married to him. Can you honestly say that?

Ohfourfoxache · 01/10/2015 18:23

Enormous, massive red flag. Huge.

Do not marry this guy - get out whilst you can.

BlueJug · 01/10/2015 18:23

I suspect he is being reasonably cautious and that he does not feel ready to commit totally yet. There is nothing wrong with that - as long as you understand and agree.

Personally I would not transfer most of my asset to a partner - and many women on MN are advised not to do so.

If you are both truly committed then you should agree to do the 50/50 transfer or get married. If he is not sure then he would be a fool to give you a share and risk losing it should you leave.

KP86 · 01/10/2015 18:26

I agree with Penny.

On selling the house take out your respective deposits and split the rest 50/50.

Mind you, as you are getting married, why is this an issue? Do you foresee the relationship dissolving sometime soon? If yes, then don't get married and get out now.

I'm not from UK, but can you put a caveat on the property to declare your interests?

What was the agreement in the beginning? Why weren't you put on the title in the first place?

IlonaRN · 01/10/2015 18:27

I would suggest that if you should sell (either for moving or for splitting up reasons), then the mortgage gets paid off first, then his and your deposits are returned to you, and anything left over is split 50/50.
If that does not sound reasonable to him, then he wants to keep you off the deeds 9and you might want to reconsider your other plans!)

springalong · 01/10/2015 18:28

I would take your money and go. He is showing you his true colours. When your circumstances change due to children, redundancy, illness and you cannot pay 50% he wont "remember" your contribution. He has had 2 years to articulate whatever concern he has about this and to make proposals. He has chosen not to do so.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2015 18:31

Be readyfor the wedding to be put off for various reasons, as well. He considers you a 'will do for now' and is concentrating on protecting 'his' asset. The stalling rather than telling you outright that he is not going to share the property with you is simply to make sure that you carry on paying towards his mortgage.

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 01/10/2015 18:43

Is he aware that when you marry you will be entitled to half of everything? Or is he planning some sort of pre-nup?

I'd be very very careful with this man, he seems a bit untrustworthy. I think you need to have a good long serious conversation with him about finances.

Shutthatdoor · 01/10/2015 18:47

Personally I would not transfer most of my asset to a partner - and many women on MN are advised not to do so

I kind of agree. In fact there has been a similar thread recently.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2015 18:49

I don't think I'd be too keen to marry him with all this quibbling over money already. Your name isn't on the mortgage or the deeds. Stop paying towards the mortgage and see what he has to say about that. Maybe it's time just to find your own place and buy it if you can afford to do it on your own. I agree you are a lodger who gave him £2K towards his deposit for his house and helps to pay the mortgage. Absolutely not on.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 01/10/2015 19:03

He should protect his deposit as should you then 50/50 after if both contributing half of the mortgage each month.

He shouldn't lose his deposit so will be obviously reluctant if you are so keen on taking that. Not sure why he is called untrustworthy yet he's the one losing out.

TempusEedjit · 01/10/2015 19:05

Marriage (assuming in England/Wales) does not entitle you to 50/50 assets. In a "short" marriage (under 5 years) you'll typically take out what you put in unless circumstances change e.g. children, disability etc.

I agree it would be fair with you each getting your deposits back then 50/50 split of any remaining equity.

Original poster
MrsRonniePickering · 01/10/2015 19:11

Well we said on way home we'd discuss it tonight. He's now refusing to discuss it saying he ... and I quote "reserves the right to chill out".

She told us to do two things - organise a new or re-mortgage in joint names
And make another appointment to organise the tennants in common agreement. He's refusing to discuss either saying he needs to "think about it" and we'll sort something in "the next few weeks".

I'm sick of this. It's always the same with him. I told him we were supposed to be sorting something tonight. He told me to fuck off. In reply, I told him I'll no longer be paying towards HIS mortgage until it's sorted out.

OP posts:
abbieanders · 01/10/2015 19:13

I suspect he is being reasonably cautious and that he does not feel ready to commit totally yet. There is nothing wrong with that - as long as you understand and agree.

I think there is something wrong with that if you're planning to get married. It does indicate that he isn't really aware of what a marriage should be.

Gottagetmoving · 01/10/2015 19:14

I don't think his commitment to you is very solid.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 01/10/2015 19:14

You surely don't expect to live rent free though do you?

If a man wanted to get his hands on a woman's property including the deposit she paid and then refused to pay towards the property he was living in he would be called a cocklodger and she would be told to kick him out. I suspect the replies will be different given the sexes are reversed.

Isetan · 01/10/2015 19:18

Actions speak louder than words and this man's actions, clearly demonstrates he doesn't want you having a claim on his asset.

This man has no intention of 'protecting your rights', that was and is your job and your failure to do so, has left you in the position of a tenant who gifted her landlord 2k.

He damn well knows that the starting point in a divorce settlement is 50/50, so the odds are pretty damn high, that he has no intertion in marrying you but will continue acting like he does to keep you sweet (pretty much like he's doing now while you pay half his mortgage).

What you're failing to acknowledge in your relationship, is your contribution to the dynamic where he holds the cards. The question isn't 'why is he behaving like this?' but 'why the f*ck have I let him?'. I suspect that this isn't the first time he has acted like youre the option and he's the priority, that is a dynamic that you don't want to solidlfy through marriage and parenthood.

Right now he holds all the cards because you've gifted them to him, if you want to protect your rights, then you need to stop deferring to him.