About my job situation and wonder how others do it?

[Lime12]

I'm currently on maternity leave. I've been in my job for nearly 10 years and recently they denied my request for flexible working. I was very upset and angry but have moved on from that. I was on a decent salary, local to my home and it would have been ideal part time. I have now resigned as it is not possible for me to get full time childcare.

I have to work. My husband doesn't earn enough for me to stay at home full time. I wanted to work 3 full days, I thought that would be a good balance. I simply can't find a job that is worth it. Please tell me they do exist?! Nursery costs 50 quid a day and I need to bring in at least £500 AFTER I have paid nursery fees.

I'm doing the maths and most jobs I've seen, it just isn't worth me going out. There are very few part time jobs anyway and most are terribly paid (when you factor in nursery cost).

Aibu to think I have limited options here? What do others do? Evening job? Is there something I have not thought of? I'm starting to get really worried.

Without the risk of outing myself, I have a degree (think core subject like Chemistry) but my previous job didn't use it.

I find it incredibly frustrating that I seemingly can't have a career and be there for my family :(

Personally, I changed my contract to work 5 fixed days including weekends and DH went part time and worked 3 days - my mum looked after DD the other day. We worked in the tourist industry.

Then DH went back to work full time training as a librarian and I did market research telephone interviews 2-3 evenings and weekends when I could. It was shit and I hated it but needed the money.

I was lucky to start a completely different job once youngest DD was at nursery, age 3 and build a new career from scratch including paid professional training.

In my case it was a few years of struggle but turned out well in the end.

I don't think it's necessarily men's fault that childcare still seems to be a woman's worry - I blame employment culture generally. When a woman puts in a flexible working application nobody bats an eyelid, when a man does it it's from colleagues. It happened when my dh submitted one. And a few months ago dh said he couldn't attend an after hours meeting on a certain day because I had a meeting in London the same day and wouldn't be back till late (one that had been in the household diary for a month). A colleague commented "So what you're saying is that your wife's job is more important than yours?" DH replied that no, it was his son's childcare that was more important than his job. Needless to say dh got a load of brownie points from me on that occasion I earn in the region of £20k more than dh. If he hadn't been strong and challenged his employer throughout and taken his share of childcare I have no doubt that my career would not have continued.

Publishing? They are pretty good at flexible working because it's such a women dominated industry (at least my experience).

I think 500 a month is potentially doable with bits of work here and there. So maybe look at something like waitressing a couple of nights a week, find bits of work online (virtual pa), buying and selling on ebay, become an Osbourne book person, babysitting, taking in ironing. Only issue is that its not going to help your career longer term.....

I think childcare is seen as a women's thing as until relatively recently a lot of women would give up work on having children. Perhaps because nurseries were few and far between? I know when I has my first I was the only one to continue to work out of all my neighbours.

Things have changed but it does take time. Also most of my friends have said in conversation that they wouldn't have wanted their DH to be the SAHD. I think as my generation grew up that's what we expected, yes looked forward to?

I asked my DD about this issue and she also said she wanted to be the one staying at home. (And would like to work part time)

going back to the original op, could you go back to your company and ask to be considered for another role that might suit part time working? It might keep your hand in.

I've more or less given up on a conventional job - DH works a job with on call and is frequently required to deal with emergencies keeping him in late (later than a nursery pick up could be).

Pretty well every job in my degree/training field has unpredictable hours and would not be possible on one day when I could be flexible with hours.

Parents are not local and we can't exactly call in favours from friends that regularly with no ability to reciprocate.

Therefore I am retraining into a related field and going freelance. Far more realistic.

I think that skill based fields (esp medical) work better part time than commercial type roles where clients expect near constant availability.

To be fair IfNotNow, this isn't a case of the man not being willing to ask for flexible working. He's self-employed, so it's a bit different. I do agree with the general points people are making about childcare being an equal responsibility, why has it always got to be the woman etc. It's just that on this specific set of facts, ie DH with unpredictable and uneven self employed work, and OP in a long hours job she doesn't like much, there is a logic to her being the one to change quite apart from the usual gendered stuff. I say this as someone whose DH has always been working flexibly and/or part time for childcare purposes ever since I went back from ML with DC1, so you know I'm not just mindlessly making excuses for the status quo.

OP I realise you're worried about being outed, but I think it might help you a lot to get some advice about different directions you could go in with your skillset. If not here than somewhere else, or even namechange here for a bit of a communal brainstorm. If you didn't like your old job anyway, it might help to think of this as an opportunity for a change of direction. It is frustrating, but at the same time many of us do manage to pull off an arrangement we're happy with. It may well be possible for you.

Do you like children in general? Do you have the space and patience for more?

When my youngest was born I faced a similar situation, I used my evenings to complete a childminding course, became Oftsed registered and quit my well paid job. I was a childminder until my youngest was 3, she then started nursery and I reduced my childminding hours so I could work in my field part time. 2 years ago I found my dream full time job, am now well paid, have had 2 promotions and work for a company who truly believes in a work/life balance. Some days I work my backside off, I work some evening hours and the odd weekend ones, 99% of the time from home and I never miss a school event (unless I use work as an excuse!).

I guess I'm trying to say you need to adapt as you go along, it can be done, good luck.

On the subject of liking children, I think it's also worth considering whether you're likely to have any more pregnancies and if so when. If, like many people, you think you'll want another in a couple of years, there are two ways to look at it.

You might prefer to work part time and your husband have greater responsibility than you for bringing in the money, so neither of you has to deal with parenting a small child, pregnancy and full time work all at once- splitting the load. This is how we did it. Or you might think that you'd rather prioritise getting as much maternity pay as possible for your next ML. In which case, it might make sense to bite the bullet and work full time again for a bit, particularly if you'd like another sooner rather than later. People do sometimes decide to have their children as close together as possible to minimise the career disruption generally. But feel free to ignore me if you're not planning any more OP!

I had to give up my 8am to 6pm office job with an hour's commute because it wasn't feasible. Similarly I'm a graduate but my job didn't use my degree.

I really only needed to bring in about £500 pcm. And I didn't want to be getting up at 6am, getting baby ready for nursery, racing around, 5 mornings a week.

So I became a care worker and worked a 12 hour shift on a Saturday and a 12 hour shift during the week in a nursing home, which brought in between £500 and £600 pcm (no tax to pay as under the threshold) with the option of adding a Sunday overtime if we needed extra money.

Initially my mum used to come over on the one day during the week for chidlcare but then we went to a full day at nursery when she got the free hours (some nurseries allow you to use the free hours for a morning and afternoon session).

It was hard work and I'd be really tired the day after the shifts, but it worked really well as I didn't have to be anywhere the next day and had pretty much all week to be with dc, go to groups, make a few friends for dd before she started school.

I never found the job boring. You didn't have a moment to think really and the residents were really nice to work with. You need to be reasonably fit with a good back and very comfortable shoes. Quite a lot of care jobs require no previous experience but 2 decent references and a CRB check.

Just to add, once my dd was at school I was very lucky to find a part-time job working from home which kind of combined my previous career and the care work experience. I've gradually increased my hours over the years and am on a reasonable salary now but still able to drop off/pick up from school.

As a previous poster said, it's been about adapting to the circumstances for me.

I agree with the above posters, adapt and change. What might work now might not in a few years and your requirements might change if you were to have more children. Be open to possibilities.

A bit more info about me: I have a science degree...I work in pharmaceuticals at the moment but don't use my degree as such (think project mgmt and high level admin)

I am planning on one more baby hopefully in next 2 years.

I can't go back for sure to my old job. there are no part time jobs available in my entire company. They won't allow a job share, already checked. All options have been considered.

If I had a time machine I would have done a degree that actually led to a job (teacher, nurse, doctor) instead of a general degree with multiple paths to take.

Would you make a good childminder?

You can easily clear the £500 a month you need and your baby gets a playmate.

The outlay is relatively small and the rewards of being at home for your own DCs plus them having other children their own age around are huge.

You can even claim the funded hours for your own DCs when they are old enough.

Just a stab in the dark but I found university admin and NHS admin (we had a regional office here at one point) can be reasonably lucrative and part time/job share is often available.

I second NHS and Universities; they are great for p/t and they normally bite the hands off people with high level admin/project management experience.

Also if you have PM experience it's worth thinking about perhaps doing short term but highly paid f/t contracts which will allow you to take an extended period off afterwards. There really is a lot of money in Project Management contracts. I sent you a private message BTW.

Have you tried the civil service jobs website? You can search specifically for science jobs and usually they advertise them for Ft, pt or job share. Great provisions for any future maternity leave too. You'd be eligible for stage 4 jobs (for external candidates)

www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/index.cgi

There's a bit of a contradiction here. Some people are suggesting that the OP could set up her own business or do contracting to give her the flexibility she needs to work around childcare.

But the fact that he's self employed is simultaneously given as the reason why her DH CAN'T be flexible and work around childcare. I get that there's a difference between starting out and existing commitments, but still......

Apologies, OP - I realise that's not particularly helpful. I think you need to start from scratch and figure out what it is that you CAN do, if returning to your previous role isn't an option. Some excellent suggestions here. But I would certainly get your DH involved in the discussion. This is a situation that you both need to address, together.

its easier to get part time work when in a role in my experience, I work for an employer that employs 100,000+ people yet on the vacancy board there isn't a single part time vacancy, yet people I know work part time and have recently returned to work.

Can you go back to your employer and see what they offer? You can legally retract your resignation.

My childcare bill looks scary before I take the childcare vouchers off, £124 from each of us, its over £200 per adult if on 20% tax, also the nursery cost for 4-5 days is a lower daily rate in my experience.

If you are in the South East a nanny is paid £12 - £15 per hour! I use a Nanny two days due to long hours.

Re men asking for flexible working - it's still annoyingly the case that in many partnerships, the man earns the higher salary, if only because he's often older and so has had more years on the career ladder. (I know this isn't always the case, but it does seem to be true for a lot of my friends). DP earns more than twice as much as I do, so it makes a lot more financial sense for me to drop a day than for him to do so. I'm just about to finish maternity leave for our first, and I've been extremely lucky to have my flexible working request agreed - with my reduced hours, childcare and commuting will still take half my salary. Also, my DP's job would be hard to do in four days, whereas I essentially manage a set number of accounts/clients, so when I go back, I'll just be given fewer accounts.

That's not necessarily contradictory treats. There are some self-employed gigs that can offer lots of flexibility, and some that really don't. Her DH sounds like his leans more towards the latter. Doesn't mean she couldn't do something falling into the former category. Obviously that may or may not be feasible given her skillset, but it's not a contradiction to suggest it.

That's true LIeselvonTwat (great name!) but we don't know a great deal about either the OP's or her DH's situation. It just seemed to me to bear out what some people were saying that balancing career and childcare is a woman's responsibility and men can always find a reason not to have to get involved.

Have you thought about medical research in the nhs? You don't always have to be medically trained. Often temp contracts, but often part time. Perhaps some care work might get you some useful contacts and relevant experience. As stated previously care work is easy enough to get into, and offers opportunity to move into say project management in the future.

There are lots of part timers, it's a well worn path so you are t fighting a battle.

Thanks treats! We don't, but what OP has told us about hers is that it's very long hours and she doesn't especially like it. Plus her DH's hours are never the same from one week to the next, and he has to travel internationally sometimes. I get the wider point you're making, it just doesn't really take account of the factors specific to this situation. As I said upthread, jobs with irregular hours, lots of travel etc are often only one per couple unless you can afford lots of help and/or have family assistance too. If OP liked her job and wanted to carry on doing it and working full time, of course that would be different.