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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my job situation and wonder how others do it?

117 replies

Lime12 · 01/10/2015 13:59

I'm currently on maternity leave. I've been in my job for nearly 10 years and recently they denied my request for flexible working. I was very upset and angry but have moved on from that. I was on a decent salary, local to my home and it would have been ideal part time. I have now resigned as it is not possible for me to get full time childcare.

I have to work. My husband doesn't earn enough for me to stay at home full time. I wanted to work 3 full days, I thought that would be a good balance. I simply can't find a job that is worth it. Please tell me they do exist?! Nursery costs 50 quid a day and I need to bring in at least £500 AFTER I have paid nursery fees.

I'm doing the maths and most jobs I've seen, it just isn't worth me going out. There are very few part time jobs anyway and most are terribly paid (when you factor in nursery cost).

Aibu to think I have limited options here? What do others do? Evening job? Is there something I have not thought of? I'm starting to get really worried.

Without the risk of outing myself, I have a degree (think core subject like Chemistry) but my previous job didn't use it.

I find it incredibly frustrating that I seemingly can't have a career and be there for my family :(

OP posts:

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 01/10/2015 18:05

God, you post as if you are a lone parent! You are not, so why is this? Why can't your husband get flexible working? Why does the childcare only impact your salary??
Sorry, but I have read too many posts along these lines on MN. Imagine a man posting what you posted-that work wont let him go part time, and, even though he is the higher earner, he has quit his job. You can't, can you, cos it never freaking well happens. Aaaaargh.
I need a lie down. And a break from mumsnet clearly.

LieselVonTwat · 01/10/2015 18:17

To be fair, if you have one partner who's self-employed with irregular work coming in, or does unpredictable shifts, it's always going to make life tough for the other one. If he doesn't have the sort of self-employed gig that's conducive to regular and predictable flexible working, that may not be get-roundable. And sometimes, unless you're willing and able to throw lots of money at the issue or have lots of family help, there's only room for one unpredictable and irregular job in a couple. The big difference, I think, is that if the woman was the self-employed one in this scenario, she might be more likely to give up her job.

Headofthehive55 · 01/10/2015 18:43

I do agree with liesel. its a difficulty that no one thinks off when embarking on a career. There are many women in the same boat. I heard a saying once, you can have it all but not at the same time. I am slightly older and seeing women who were on the part time, or sahm track now returning with gusto. Children do grow up!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 01/10/2015 20:20

Men have it all at the same time, very often. In fact, they don't even consider it "having it all", do they?

JeanSeberg · 01/10/2015 20:36

I heard a saying once, you can have it all but not at the same time.

Funny how you never hear men say it.

StealthPolarBear · 01/10/2015 20:54

I don't understand the issue. Why can't you get full time childcare?
And how can telling us that you have a degree in a core subject possibly out you? I have a degree in maths - do you know who i am?

Kampeki · 01/10/2015 21:05

I hate the phrase "You can't have it all". Nobody would say that to a man. Why can't we have it all? Why do we have to limit women's expectations in this way?

I feel that I have it "all". I haven't had to sacrifice my family or my career. And I want my dd to know that she can have it all too, if she wants it.

Thelushinthepub · 01/10/2015 21:09

I wouldn't expect to find a PT job on the open job market. I'd expect to Renegotiate a FT job. Ime companies don't want PT workers as jobs are not usually set up that way but they are often willing to negotiate with staff once they are in position and can illustrate how they can go PT without too much hassle.

If I were you I would get another FT job, do if for a year or 2 then ask for PT

Original poster

Lime12 · 01/10/2015 21:28

By saying I have x degree, work in this specialised sector and have just quit my job and have a husband that has own company...I know that would out me to some people on here!

I didn't want to start a fight about working full time vs part time. I don't believe my baby will benefit either way, it's just more of a personal choice for ME. I'd rather spend a little time at home, rather than working super hard for a job that I'm not in love with. Life is too short to be unhappy!

OP posts:

twobambinos · 01/10/2015 22:32

I didn't go back to my full-time job after dd2 because it would only barely have covered childcare and we didn't need the tiny but extra that much. And I had almost 3 years of waiting for my well paid part time job position to come up. It's not perfect but good enough. It was a serious struggle at times not financially more so that I wanted to be working and putting my long earned qualification to use but not for no monetary return to my family. I guess you can only try your best at the end of the day and hope that something more suitable comes up.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 01/10/2015 22:55

I don't think there is anything wrong with working part time. I just feel frustrated by endless threads by women who seem to be taking all of the childcare responsibility, both financially and otherwise. I mean, if 2 parents earn £1500 a month each, and the childcare is £1000, that should be seen as £500 each, not 2 thirds of the woman's salary.
And it bugs me that it is almost taken as a given that men "cant"get flexible working. They can, they just dont ask for it. To my mind the ideal is both parents make career sacrifices, and both parents get time with the dc.

mamadoc · 01/10/2015 23:12

So you want to make a personal choice to work part time

And DH wants to make a personal choice to work unpredictable and presumably (since you say you still need to work) not massively well paid hours

That's all well and good but there is a recession on and the world doesn't owe you a living on your own terms. People are telling you that well paid, 3 day a week jobs are like hens teeth.

You asked how people manage, how it's possible and the answers from this thread are

Give up work or work unsociable hours for low pay and downsize your outgoings
Both make compromises and both work PT
Start your own business from home
Bite the bullet, go back FT and negotiate from a position of strength

Headofthehive55 · 01/10/2015 23:22

Well actually men don't have it all. I did think they did until one day my DH explained very clearly why he doesn't. He does not get get to school events, rarely made parents evenings and really couldn't go part time as they wouldn't let him. "You can't have it all"is about compromise, a recognition that by choosing one path, you often can't have another easily, or in the way you would like.

On the face of it I have it all, a large family, a decent job, with opportunities to grow, paid study, yet it does come with compromises. Yes I can sometimes go to school events, but not always, my children can't always do after school activities, some days I am exhausted and therefore quite ratty with my family. It's a good balance, but I realise there are sacrifices made on both sides of the fence. So no I don't think I have it all, it's a juggling act but for me the best available option.

JapaneseSlipper · 01/10/2015 23:31

I think the OP makes some pretty valid points. Something is broken in the way our society is set up, where part-time work is such an impossibility. Some of the responses on here are quite depressing.

"It's not unusual to work for almost nothing in the preschool years"

"Finding part time work- ... be willing to work for less than we could get elsewhere"

"People I know have worked opposite their DH, worked weekends, or lived near to parents who help out." [The first two options are unacceptably destructive to family relationships; the third simply not an option for some.]

"you either need to stay at home, get a full time job or come up with a Plan C instead of lamenting the utter absence of part time work that comes with any kind of useful salary. There are practically no such jobs."

That is exactly the OP's problem, she has said it herself, and it is a very valid point. We shouldn't just roll over and accept this. Part-time work needs to become a viable option for parents, and it needs to be supported at a governmental level. Employers are reluctant to take on part-time employees - why? I can only assume it is more expensive to have someone working for 3 days than it is, pro-rated, for someone doing 5 days. That can change, but first we need to have the discussion, instead of blindly accepting the status quo.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 01/10/2015 23:35

Yes, part time work needs to be a viable option. For parents. Not just mothers. We are a very long way from that.

LIZS · 02/10/2015 07:38

Agree with mama doc. If the choice is between not working but running up debt or working -ft or pt -with that income covering the childcare with a some over , surely the decision is obvious. The issue is your insistence on making £500. What do you need that for if you have coped on mp until now, could it be cut back.

Headofthehive55 · 02/10/2015 07:43

It depends on the industry though. Where I work, every single one of us is part time. It's normal. I think it's easier to find part time work if you are a tradesperson, or professional where your skills could easily be replicated by another person for example dentist, nurse, physio, electrician, where the job itself doesn't carry over to another day - you might repeat the job e.g a filling but on another person, but less easy if you are only one person that does that job in the company such as HR manager etc.

I get what was mentioned about childcare costs also being set against the man's income but in reality when you have joint finances the numbers still need to stack up.

Working opposite to your DH or antisocial hours do work for many people. I've done so in the past when I wanted to have the maximum time home with the kids, yet still earn a decent amount as didn't need to use childcare. (And still kept a foot on the career ladder)

HackerFucker22 · 02/10/2015 08:05

Are you saying that essentially you need to find a job that clears £700 per week? (You say nursery is £50 a day and it's 4 days and that you need to bring in £500 after nursery fees)

Is that what you would clear if you went part time with current place?

Our childcare costs (for 2 young ones) is just less than what one of us clears so one salary would go purely in childcare. On this basis we've decided DP is going to be a SAHD - he is self employed so my salary is safer. It's a tough decision to make, we're just lucky we can even do this?

LIZS · 02/10/2015 08:26

I assumed it was £500 per month. On 3 full days that equates to over £13 per hour net or at least 14k pa (pt equivalent of 24k ish) gross. A job paying that is always going to be tricky to find unless you have a very niche market. Your best bet might be contract or temping but that also wouldn't offer you much flexibility to cover children's illness or security as no work, no pay.

Bluewombler2k · 02/10/2015 08:34

number3tocome I don't think the OP implied any criticism about FT working mums, so why the defensive post? This isn't the tnread for that debate

Bluewombler2k · 02/10/2015 08:36

number3cometome apologies for getting your user name completely wrong!

Number3cometome · 02/10/2015 08:50

Bluewombler2k

It wasn't aimed at the OP - it was another poster upstream

Bluewombler2k · 02/10/2015 08:54

Aaaah, sorry!!

Number3cometome · 02/10/2015 08:57

Original poster

Lime12 · 02/10/2015 09:00

Yeah LIZS has got it right. That's how much I need to clear a month. Now I could get that by earning £1100 (minus nursery fees) a month or scrap childcare, do evenings and weekends and just earn £500. But that is easier said than done... There are not that many evening jobs either. Even our 3 local supermarkets don't have any right now!

Japaneseslipper makes a good point. I am quite depressed about the whole situation and she sums up my thoughts nicely!

OP posts:

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