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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"You do too much"

44 replies

G1veMeStrength · 30/09/2015 23:32

AIBU to fall out with the next person who says this to me?!

OF COURSE I do too fucking much. Most of us do. It's called having kids and a job and trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table and clean clothes and not be sacked and shit like that! And yes DH does his share but when he works shitty shifts,is recovering from cancer and has a dodgy back it's not exactly fucking easy. So what part of 'too much' am I supposed to drop?...

ARGH and I have no wine in the house

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 30/09/2015 23:35

Tell them you're totally fine and maybe they do too little?

Cerseirys · 30/09/2015 23:38

I come from a home where my mother really did do too much and made a martyr out of herself but I hardly think you'd fall into that category OP. Just tell 'em to sod off.

Morganly · 30/09/2015 23:40

Well, but. I do understand what you are saying but bosses do exploit people who say yes to every unreasonable demand and sometimes saying no doesn't get you sacked. Was that the context?

Iwasworried · 30/09/2015 23:40

Say 'Oh I'm so glad you think so too. Here's a list of things I need to get done. Which ones could you help with?'

sproketmx · 01/10/2015 01:29

I think it's just a phrase. A way of someone saying they recognise how much you do and understand that it can be tough and take its toll.

A bit like when you're ill and people say 'I hope you find your feet'. You haven't misplaced them, your just off them and laid up for a bit.

Summerisle1 · 01/10/2015 01:39

YANBU. There's a huge difference between the sort of martyred, self-imposed domestic workaholic that my former MIL insisted on being (all entirely self-imposed) and actually having a lot to do and just having to do it!

I sympathise so far as having a DH with serious health issues. I could easily fall out with the next person who says "I don't know how you manage everything". Because of course I fucking manage. Nothing at all (and especially not his well-being) would be helped by not quietly getting on and managing. Neither do I want to hear a symphony of tiny violins while I'm getting on with it!

Sorry, I digress. But I'm absolutely with you on this, OP.

DarthVadersTailor · 01/10/2015 08:16

Agree with sproke on this, it's a phrase that merely recognises that you do a lot and that the person is probably just concerned for your wellbeing. I'd say you're probably being a bit over sensitive about it, might pay to think of it that the person saying it is probably just trying to look out for you

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 01/10/2015 08:24

Yanbu. I get this quite a lot because I work quite a demanding job and have dcs.

I do need the money, but also my job was what I wanted to do since a child and it won't wait for me if I take years out. It can't really be done part time.

At the same time I know I am a brat as I chose everything about my life - kids, jobs etc. Only slight "accident" was where we live, which was to do with my dh not coping with a previous location (long story).

Also we have had a childcare fail which was no one's fault so things have been tricky.

What I am saying is, yes pps are right that it is just a phrase. But most people who are doing too much are doing so because they have no choice, or feel they don't.

Toooldforthat · 01/10/2015 08:25

Your list of things to do seems pretty normal for a working mum? I say no to play dates, helping at school, helping at church, we hardly go visiting museums or theatres with the children, and it is a bit boring at times, but that is the only way to not feel completely exhausted.

Mistigri · 01/10/2015 08:30

I have an awful lot of respect for people who have a heap of stuff to do and just get on with it, BUT many women have been conditioned to think that they need to be superwoman all the time.

I see this at work where some of my female colleagues are far more conscientious than my male colleagues (and far more conscientious than they need to be). And I have friends who would rather drive themselves into an early grave than take parenting shortcuts.

velourvoyageur · 01/10/2015 09:02

Wow, we can't say anything anymore.....it's said with good intentions & it can be hard to express sympathy so you use social codes. Waste of energy getting angry over this.

AChickenCalledKorma · 01/10/2015 09:06

YANBU.

May I also fall out with the next person who tells me I'm "marvellous" for doing all the stuff I do? I'm now officially sick of being "marvellous" and would happily settle for being a lazy slob on the sofa ... only there's a lot of people relying on me and a distinct lack of anyone willing to take over.

Liomsa · 01/10/2015 09:07

Most of the time 'Oh, we can't say anything any more' is bleated by someone who is being asked to recognise that well-meant cliches (eg 'He's in a better place'/'children with special needs are only given to very special parents' etc etc) are not always helpful. The OP presumably is getting frustrated because there is no bit of her 'too much' that she can relinquish, short of quitting her job to live on fresh air or putting her children in care (which I gather is actually rather difficult).

AChickenCalledKorma · 01/10/2015 09:09

Liomsa - exactly!

Annapurnacircuit · 01/10/2015 09:09

It's not really the other person's fault that you do too much though is it? If they are genuinely concerned about you it seems a bit odd to say you will fall out with the next person who says it? What is the context usually?

Ludoole · 01/10/2015 09:16

I hear you op!
I get this a lot too never followed up with any offers to help though
I think people just mean to acknowledge that they see how much you have to contend with. Its not helpful though, especially when there is nothing you can "drop" to make things easier.

velourvoyageur · 01/10/2015 09:17

I would never say something like "he's ina better place" but "you do too much" signals acknowledgement and appreciation no?
Yes it might be a bit lazy but we don't all have masses of spare mental energy, it's the feeling behind the wrds that counts.

attheendoftheday · 01/10/2015 09:18

I've been there, op. YANBU at all.

Dp has a chronic health problem, we had six months where I was needing to help him with his personal care and mobility, care for dd1, pregnant with dd2, work full time, also do overtime to pay bills as dp wasn't earning and do everything in the house. I used to cry a lot in private. Things do get better, kids at least get easier as they get better!

Hope your dh is better soon. It's bloody hard having to hold the fort!

attheendoftheday · 01/10/2015 09:19

Get easier as they get older, that should have said!

sipsmithandlime · 01/10/2015 09:20

It's similar to 'I don't know how you do it' ... which I get a lot with a sympathetic tilt of the head as I have a full on job, three DC and am a single parent.

I usually stare back and say 'there's hardly an alternative is there!'

laundryeverywhere · 01/10/2015 09:21

I think if people just say this in a friendly way they are generally giving you an opportunity to have a little moan if you want. That is something helpful, because normally people don't want to hear your troubles. If it's a concerned close friend or family member you can be more open and say a bit more about why you are doing it all and your dh health and so on.

MonkeyPJs · 01/10/2015 09:25

Some people are insanely busy, it's true, especially when juggling work and kids and everything else.

BUT - and not saying this is your case OP, more of a general statement - I do get fed up with women who complaining about how busy they are all of the time while not taking steps to make things easier on themselves either.

Yes, woman I met recently who complains about being busy all of the time then also insists on cooking complicated and time-consuming dishes for her family most evenings, I'm looking at you.

Or the person who complains about being busy, then makes a point of redoing housework her husband has done, which doesn't seem to achieve anything except making her busier and her DH less inclined to do housework in the first place

Preminstreltension · 01/10/2015 09:27

Agree with velour and laundry.

Single parent working FT running my own business, elderly parents plus own health issues to deal with. I like it when people say something that means they've recognised my life can be hard work. And that doesn't mean they have to offer to help me - they are just acknowledging something in my life.

Grazia1984 · 01/10/2015 09:27

It's usually lazy layabouts who spend all day painting their nails who just couldn't cope with a job etc who make this kind of comment. Says more about them than about you.

Arsicles · 01/10/2015 09:34

They must be saying it in reply to something you've already said though. Maybe you shouldn't moan tell so much about your life if you don't want to hear it. I know someone who can't arrange to meet up without telling everyone else all the ins and outs of their DC's calendar, their deadlines at work etc. It's irritating. We're all busy.

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