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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"You do too much"

44 replies

G1veMeStrength · 30/09/2015 23:32

AIBU to fall out with the next person who says this to me?!

OF COURSE I do too fucking much. Most of us do. It's called having kids and a job and trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table and clean clothes and not be sacked and shit like that! And yes DH does his share but when he works shitty shifts,is recovering from cancer and has a dodgy back it's not exactly fucking easy. So what part of 'too much' am I supposed to drop?...

ARGH and I have no wine in the house

OP posts:

Ludoole · 01/10/2015 09:37

Not necessarily Arsicles

KevinAndMe · 01/10/2015 09:40

Actually I think you should listen to them.
As someone who did exactly what you are doing and then developed ME, I have learnt the very hard way that you CAN do too much and that there are plenty of things that aren't essential (I had to give up doing those things because I just can't physically do them).

Yes there is work and the children etc. But it's very easy to also go overboard and do things that are actually unnecessary.

So my answer to your question is that, with you said it's impossible to say if YABU. But I would seriously look at what how much you do and whether it's worth doing them or not. You Might be surprised b

UngratefulMoo · 01/10/2015 09:40

OP, you MUST prioritise. It's unacceptable to find yourself without wine in the house. Sort it out.

hmmmum · 01/10/2015 09:41

It is really irritating... It's like my dh who has a fairly stressful job and we have young children at home who get us up early like many young children do. His mum will say to him, "You really need to get more rest, you know." And he's like, How?? I work and I have small children! This is how it is!
I had to tell my mum to stop saying that to me as it was really getting on my nerves - especially as I just have 2 kids and don't currently work - it's not as though my life is anywhere near as hard as most other people's!
Some people say that because they believe that the goal of life is for it to be easy, comfortable and stress-free. Well life isn't like that. And the upside of having a really hectic life is that you are actually really living it and doing worthwhile things and that's why you're busy.

EcclefechanTart · 01/10/2015 09:45

I would never say "you do too much" but I might say "I don't know how you do it". I would mean to convey that I was impressed with what a great job they were doing and couldn't imagine myself coping as well. What could I say instead to indicate this, without annoying people?

Gottagetmoving · 01/10/2015 10:12

I have a friend who 'does too much' She works part time, is a career for her grown son who has a medical condition, runs her other two children around even though one of them doesn't live at home. She knits, she makes clothes, bakes cakes for fund raising events and for other people's special occasions, she attends various women's clubs, does things for charity and is always there for anyone who needs her even though she has her own medical issues, and even more that I cannot even remember.

I have told her she does too much but I have to admit it's because I am in awe of her and I feel like a pathetic lazy sod compared to her.

Original poster

G1veMeStrength · 01/10/2015 11:08

LOL @ UngratefulMoo. You are quite right.

Hmm maybe I do moan too much, I will try and catch on to myself there. It tends to be someone asking 'could you do x' and I will say 'I'm in [random city] that day', or my saying 'well it was lovely to chat but I had better get on with y task' and then it starts.

I love this: Some people say that because they believe that the goal of life is for it to be easy, comfortable and stress-free. Well life isn't like that. And the upside of having a really hectic life is that you are actually really living it and doing worthwhile things and that's why you're busy.

That's very true. The only things I could drop are the things I WANT to do and tend to be creative things that I know make life a little bit sort of magical for the children (I know, ).

Anyway I must go, I'm terribly busy you know AND I am in discussions of the day. Does MNHQ send Gin to the discussions of the day OP??

OP posts:

lostInTheWash · 01/10/2015 11:26

It tends to be someone asking 'could you do x' and I will say 'I'm in [random city] that day', or my saying 'well it was lovely to chat but I had better get on with y task' and then it starts

That's not doing to much that is being busy doing something else when they want drop everything and cater to their needs.

I got really fed up of the phrase when DH was ill and the DC were really young - that and I don't know how you do it - I really didn't have a choice but some help with simple stuff would have been nice but when I asked wasn't forth coming. Then when I was still coping with situation and in period of time was sort of getting over it recovering - it was all old news and I/we should have been over that ages ago.

I'm looking forward to being busier in the future - older family members are making noises about how that isn't desirable. They have their own reasons and really aren't looking at what is best for me.

elementofsurprise · 01/10/2015 12:17

lost Then when I was still coping with situation and in period of time was sort of getting over it recovering - it was all old news and I/we should have been over that ages ago.
I hear you. It always amazes me how little some people seem to understand about how people work. Chronologically you have: Period of stress .. then .. time when stress lifts/gets a bit better during which huge backlog of stress and emotions hit home.

Hope no-one minds me weighing in on this, being as I am a lazy sod with no children who does a fraction of what you heroes do... (

Sonnet · 01/10/2015 13:56

I have a SAHM friend who continually tells me I do "too much" and should consider giving up the job!
YANBU

pklme · 01/10/2015 15:40

Omg, I'm panicking now- am I a lazy layabout (I do sit down occasionally) or a martyred self imposed workaholic (I do a lot of community work which I get stressed about).
What I don,t do is make daft comments to other people about their circumstances. But those daft comments are part of the ,nice day today, stuff that fills difficult silences, I think.

BlueJug · 01/10/2015 19:41

velourvoyageur

it can be hard to express sympathy so you use social codes.

True - and most of what we say in social situations like this is simply a means of showing a "friendly" relationship - a "speech act" if you like. It just means that the speaker acknowledges the OP's refusal/ desire to end conversation etc.

What would be a suitable response in this situation? A discussion on the merits of random city? Intersted questions about the OP's life. No, it is clear that OP is trying to end the conversation. "Oh, don't worry - it's fine". No - sounds passive aggressive - and why should she worry - of course she isn't going to worry. Etc etc.

Even the formulaic

"How are you?"
"Fine thanks - you?"
"Can't complain - busy/ bearing up/ chugging along/ very well/ good thanks"

None of it means anything.

Lizzy3001 · 04/10/2015 19:37

I think it's the "too" that's the problem, it sounds like judgement when I'm sure it's not meant to be.

PermaShattered · 04/10/2015 21:19

"Things do get better, kids at least get easier as they get older!" WHAT? Are you serious?! With two teenagers and 2 aged 4 and 6 - things get much tougher - believe me.

Topaz25 · 04/10/2015 22:36

It's really insensitive and pointless for someone to say that, especially if they know the situation that your DH is recovering from cancer. Of course things are busy and stressful at the moment, you don't really need it pointing out! I know they may mean well but I think they should offer to help in a practical way or STFU.

KathyBeale · 04/10/2015 22:49

I've had a very stressful few months with tight deadlines at work, my husband starting a new job with odd shift patterns, and some serious illnesses. Many, many people have said 'I don't know how you do it' to me recently. I have discovered that they don't want to know. When I quite honestly and quite underplaying it, confess that it's not easy (in actual fact I am a broken shell of a woman, barely hanging on to my sanity but I never say that), they glaze over. And I think, why did you mention it then? I have learned I am supposed to smile and say, 'oh it's fine...' when it's not.

So YANBU. Definitely not. And I feel your pain!

scarlets · 04/10/2015 23:04

I know several women with a lot on. A couple of them, like many here, have disabled OH/DC and various other commitments, and limited outside support. Those people are impressive, and evoke reactions like those the OP mentioned. I suspect that many of the OP's friends are awe-struck.

Some people just have useless, lazy OHs though, and end up doing everything. They're martyrs. It's a bit pathetic then, not inspiring.

maddening · 04/10/2015 23:42

They are just being nice and if they know about everything you do it is possibly because you have just told them all about what you do have to do - in which case there are only a limited amount of responses one can give to a person who has just told them about how busy they are, how they have to do x,y and z in addition to a,b and c etc.

sharond101 · 05/10/2015 21:54

I am like you op, dh cannot do much round the house, 2 dc (one newborn), dog, 4 bedroom house, 2 cars, bills, shopping, cleaning, washing..... I always feel a bit patronised or as if the other person really doesn't have a clue what I have on my plate.

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