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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think being a paedophile isn't a crime?

999 replies

KissingFish · 30/09/2015 11:04

I see posts from people both on here and other places (Facebook) about how paedophiles should all be killed and confusing the terms paedophile and child molester / child abuser.

They're not the same thing and honestly I don't think being a paedophile is a crime. It is a sexual orientation that nobody chooses to be born with. The same way people are born straight or gay.

Just because someone is a paedophile it doesn't mean they have acted on it and so it doesn't mean they are a child molester.

Surely if we all accepted that paedophilia is a sexual orientation we could help these people before they commit a crime. Before they act on it. I bet there are a LOT more paedophiles out there than we know about. They just don't act on it because they know it's wrong to act on it.

I am of course not saying being sexually attracted to children is a good thing or that it should ever be OK to act on it. No way. Just that I don't think people choose to be a paedophile and it must be pretty scary to realise you are attracted to children. Much the same way it used to be about being gay. And I don't imagine you can just ask friends, family or many people actually for help and advice.

I think in order to deal with a problem you need to understand it first.

I am willing to be convinced otherwise though if anyone has a good argument?

Disclaimer: I am not a paedophile, I just don't believe they are all evil.

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 30/09/2015 18:13

I won't be calming down about child sexual abuse any time soon.

Especially when I see it minimised, normalised, and excused on Mumsnet of all places.

hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 18:14

Could someone please post the threads minimising child abuse? Because iv missed them. All 687 of them.

It'sallfine was simply making a point that the damage and impact can be realised often in adulthood or later childhood by victims when they understand what happened to them. She/ he definitely wasn't saying it didn't harm them because they were kids just they may not realise how deeply harmful it is to them at the exact point in their life it occurs. That realisation can come later.

My own child has no sexual awareness whatsoever, he's 3. He'd have no context and I think that's the case for lots of small children

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:17

Agreed Kali :)

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:20

Walter,

It gained momentum on page 9 due to the content of the posts. If you were looking for compassion and tolerance for child abuse/paedophilia you have come to the wrong place.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 18:20

At what age Hairbrush do you think his sexual awareness would start?

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:21

Underthegreenwood..

Good point

hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 18:22
  • *My post:

Someone viewing pictures of my child sexually would totally fuck me up but my child would never know unless I told him. He would be indirectly affected by me being fucked up by it

Your post: **
Hairbrush, a parent in this case knows its child's image is out there forever, it's something that can never be erased. This child might well be 6 months, 2 years, not knowing what's going on. But this child is in its formative years and relies on its parent to love.
*
How can this not impact on the child? As a parent you would be over compensating, could well have relationship problems; how can this not possibly effect the physical and mental well being of the child?*

I'll let you figure it out**

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:22

Elendon

Walter has been very abusive on here. Simply because we have a view.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:23

Elen I meant to say I completely agree with your post. This is not the spirit of the site.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/09/2015 18:23

"There are many understandable reasons why a child victim of sexual abuse is not likely to tell anyone about their abuse. Often, the abusive adult will convince the child that they won’t be believed or that they are somehow responsible for the abuse and will be punished for it. The child may care about or feel protective of the person who sexually abused them and may feel they’d be betraying this person by telling about the sexual contact and the abuser may use this information to help maintain the secrecy. Children frequently remain silent to protect a non-abusive parent from upsetting information.

Sometimes, a child may be confused if they experienced positive physical pleasure, arousal, or emotional intimacy from the abuse. This confusion can make it difficult for the child to speak up."

www.stopitnow.org/faq/why-dont-children-tell-if-they-have-been-abused

Trying to pretend this is not the case is dangerous, are you saying that it is only abuse if a child is very upset by it? If this happened to your child, and they felt as described above, you would need to be able to support them, pretending it doesn't happen like this is naive.

Morsecode · 30/09/2015 18:23

Gobsmacked at the apologists with their tea-and-sympathy approach to paedophiles yet hurling abuse to posters who don't agree.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 18:24

It was a simple question that required a simple answer.

I've no idea at what age a child would have sexual awareness. We are all different.

Do you?

kali110 · 30/09/2015 18:25

I would def mess me up knowing my image as i child was out there!i already worry about that everyday.
That would have an impact.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:25

'Sometimes, a child may be confused if they experienced positive physical pleasure'

This line truly made me feel like vomiting after all of your other posts.

StitchesBurstinBath · 30/09/2015 18:28

Fine then they should get chopped then, just to make sure.
Even if they are safe at the moment-they could become unsafe in later life so it would be best to make sure.

hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 18:29

*I've no idea at what age a child would have sexual awareness. We are all different.

Do you?*

No. Precisely my point!!!

Some small children will have no context if the first time they're exposed to anything about sex is due to them being abused.

Later when a parent begins to talk about appropriate behaviour such as putting their willy away or wearing clothes in front of guests I would assume is when "awareness" begins to form

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:30

Morsecode, it has been like this for hours. We have been inundated with posts like this. Are you telling me these are all mothers and fathers with children? I dont think so, not for one minute.

kali110 · 30/09/2015 18:31

I actually agree with lilys last post.

hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 18:32

I would def mess me up knowing my image as i child was out there!i already worry about that everyday.
That would have an impact.

I agree. Which was why I said unless I told my son he'd remain unaware, however my parenting would definitely impact as Id be fucked up by it should that ever happen. I didn't say there's no impact.

kali110 · 30/09/2015 18:32

Those post about being sick, i can't form words about that line.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 18:35

Hairbrush, where are you going with this?

I agree, but within the context of what we were talking about, you specifically said that as a baby/toddler they wouldn't know.

That was all I was responding to. My argument was that it didn't matter if you never told him of sexual abuse, the problem would occur in the relationship dynamics regarding your child and quite possibly the relationship with your partner.

It would inevitably have a negative holistic effect on the child.

Regardless of the age.

theDudesmummy · 30/09/2015 18:37

There is still a confusion on this thread between the terms paedophile, child sex abuser and sex offender. They are not the same thing. A minority subset of child abusers and child sex offenders are paedophiles.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:37

Thank you Kali. I am not some crazed, hysterical believe it or not, I am actually really deeply disturbed and concerned about this thread. I was so angry earlier with some of the posts that were seeking to normalise abuse, and now I am just feeling a little bit sick that MN has been clearly violated like this.

Maybe it has highlighted the plight of paedophiles but not in a helpful way, and I am not sure it could ever do that on here to be honest.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 18:39

Thedude

We know the difference, everyone does. One term the attraction lives in the mind and other is actioned in some kind of abuse or viewing of abuse. For most this is still deeply unsavoury whichever one you happen to be.

Morsecode · 30/09/2015 18:40

lillycabbage I commented on page 7 and am now horrified that this thread has indeed turned into a sympathy fest for paedophiles. I am not a mother (yet) either but not for one minute would I accept that paedophilia is a sexual orientation / paedophiles are victims etc. It is sickening. The apologists are trying so hard to be open minded that their brains might just have fallen off. As someone said upthread, it has largely to do with power over a helpless and usually asexual / innocent / naive small child. Whether it is acted upon or not, I believe this is what is essentially what it boils down to.