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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think being a paedophile isn't a crime?

999 replies

KissingFish · 30/09/2015 11:04

I see posts from people both on here and other places (Facebook) about how paedophiles should all be killed and confusing the terms paedophile and child molester / child abuser.

They're not the same thing and honestly I don't think being a paedophile is a crime. It is a sexual orientation that nobody chooses to be born with. The same way people are born straight or gay.

Just because someone is a paedophile it doesn't mean they have acted on it and so it doesn't mean they are a child molester.

Surely if we all accepted that paedophilia is a sexual orientation we could help these people before they commit a crime. Before they act on it. I bet there are a LOT more paedophiles out there than we know about. They just don't act on it because they know it's wrong to act on it.

I am of course not saying being sexually attracted to children is a good thing or that it should ever be OK to act on it. No way. Just that I don't think people choose to be a paedophile and it must be pretty scary to realise you are attracted to children. Much the same way it used to be about being gay. And I don't imagine you can just ask friends, family or many people actually for help and advice.

I think in order to deal with a problem you need to understand it first.

I am willing to be convinced otherwise though if anyone has a good argument?

Disclaimer: I am not a paedophile, I just don't believe they are all evil.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/09/2015 12:59

MySordid the assumption from the op is that the people s/he is talking about haven't acted on anything at all. That's the premise for what a lot of posters are talking about. You are talking about people who have actually viewed child porn, which isn't the same.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 13:00

Many of them truly believed that they loved children and thus saw any sexual feelings as an extension of that love, in the same way we do with adults. Many truly believed that a child would want to have sex with them as part of a loving and caring relationship.

Yes of course they did - sarcasm alert! They know exactly how to work the system, they are devious people who enjoy deviant behaviour - and get off on it. In fact they probably get off on saying that to their counsellor.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 13:00

You disgust me, ItsAllGoingToBeFine You are describing sexual abuse as if that was just a walk in the park.

Yes it's scary how people can try to minimise these abhorrent acts.

nameschanger · 30/09/2015 13:01

I disagree it's a sexual orientation, I think it's more likely a complex psychological disorder caused by some kind of harm during your upbringing.

It seems too easy to say it's something they're born with because in my opinion it is closer to a power and control fantasy rather than a sexual attraction. Attracted to vulnerability if you know what I mean. Similar to rapists, some people fantasize about rape, but never act on it.

50shadesofmeh · 30/09/2015 13:02

i think you are wrong to say its a sexual orientation, its not it involves abusing vulnerable people and the majority of paedophiles view footage or pictures of child abuse, making them as bad as the people who make these things.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 13:02

Mysordidcakesecret..

We do in fact have a problem on here now, and you are right they are trying to minimise child abuse and the suffering, pain and consequences to the child.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 13:02

Yes thick and thin.. i know, and what I'm saying is, you're happy to presume they're telling the truth? how would we know.. some would probably get some sort of sick kick out of pretending they need help, use it to justify their actions. But of course like i said if you're happy to take a stranger's word on their intimate internet history then invite them over and see how comfortable you feel when they're with your children.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/09/2015 13:02

lily do you mean the op?

nameschanger · 30/09/2015 13:03

Oops, just seen their are 10 pages and I only read the first. School boy error

ghostyslovesheep · 30/09/2015 13:03

Put it this was - a vast majority of child sexual abuse has as much to do with SEX as rape does - it's about power and control not sex
Paedophiles are sexually attracted to children
There is a difference and lumping the two together as the lazy media do it wrong

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 13:03

lily it is very possible that there are pedophiles on mumsnet working their strings to try and change public perception.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 13:04

No I was refering to itwillbfine who has hajacked the thread and clearly has a problem.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 13:05

well i'm not naming anyone but there are some extremely disturbing posts on here.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 13:05

I think it is a possibility mysordidcake, reading the posts.

captaincake · 30/09/2015 13:07

It's very difficult I think. I don't personally think that it is the same as being straight or gay because they are sexual orientations based on mutual feelings and consent - an adult/child sexual relationship can never be that. I don't mean to compare children to animals at all but I think in this context it would be more similar to compare someone who has sexual feelings to towards children to those that feel the same towards animals rather than other adults (gay or straight) because of the same lack of consent and mutual feelings being the overriding factor.

Completely separating a paedophile from a child abuser/someone who looks at child abuse images I think it could be very beneficial to have access to psychological therapies for people who are struggling with having sexual feelings about children.

YANBU to think that it would be better to help people before they commit crimes but I think YABU to consider/normalise it as the same as gay or straight.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/09/2015 13:07

Yes it's scary how people can try to minimise these abhorrent acts.

I wasn't trying to minimise child abuse. I was trying to describe as efficiently as possible what acts a paedophile might choose to perform upon a child, and why penetrative sex wouldn't generally be one of them.

People have two choices, which are beautifully illustrated by this thread:

  1. You can try to understand and treat paedophiles. Look at the risks dispassionately and minimise them as far as possible whilst understanding that paedophiles, whilst their sexual preferences are abhorrent, are still people.

Or

  1. You can be terrified of paedophiles. If you hear of a paedophile they should be killed. Paedophiles are other. Sub-human. Conveniently forget that the vast majority of child abuse is committed by someone that you know and trust.
Itsmine · 30/09/2015 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 30/09/2015 13:08

lilycabbagerocks agreed. Its comments have been getting viler and viler. All in the name of love, innocence, and kiddy-fiddling.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/09/2015 13:08

I agree Sordid. I've just read it all and to think people are suggesting its akin to being gay is vile to say the least. It's not the same at all. I'm actually shocked to see this on mumsnet. A website full of parents.

Original poster
KissingFish · 30/09/2015 13:09

I am at at the moment and only read half the replies so far but just wanted to point our a few things.

I am gay, I don't need you to feel offended for me. I do not find comparing one sexual orientation to another insulting.

No I don't feel sorry for people like Jimmy Saville, he was a child abuser not just a paedophile who didn't act on his feelings. This is exactly the point I'm trying to make.

I haven't said it should be normalised. I have said that whether you like it or not it is a sexual preference and in order to help people who are paedophiles exist without harming anyone we need to accept this.

I'd say help they can get is someone to speak to when they need to.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 30/09/2015 13:10

ItsAllGoingToBeFine I will go with option number 2, but maybe less terrified than slightly murderous. And happy to snip any dangling bit that think about going where it does not belong. Ever.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/09/2015 13:11

Yes, peadophiles you know and trust.

You are minimising Itsall and its disgusting to read.

Gruntfuttock · 30/09/2015 13:11

lilycabbagerocks "Clearly posters we do in fact have a paedophile amongst us who is looking for sympathisers. Can I suggest we recommend he sees his GP as matter of urgency?"

I agree with the first sentence completely. But how do you know it's a "he"?

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 30/09/2015 13:11

I agree with you, but although the crime is child abuse, it's important to note that not all child abusers are paedophiles. It's nothing to do with sexual attraction for the vast majority, its simply violence. ALL child abuse is violence but I hope you see what I mean.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 13:12

itsallfine
2 questions.

  1. Would more sympathy as a society for pedophiles help them to commit abuse and create more victims? - IMO YES.
  1. Is it viable/are there the resources to offer this wondeful help and treatment? - NO.