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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist my man never looks at porn and consider it a sort of cheating?

99 replies

StitchesBurstinBath · 29/09/2015 22:10

My friends think it's unreasonable and say that any man who has the ability to get to a computer is looking at porn and if they are not it is only because it's because they are at work.
However, I have slight body issues and my friends are much slimmer than me so they can afford to roll their eyes and say 'boys will be boys'.
When I see what my partner looks at I am confronted with gorgeous girls with slim bodies and it makes me feel worthless. At first when he was confronted by me, he really did not understand how it made me feel. Then he said he'd stop.
Except I've caught him again.
and again.
and again.
Or last argument was our worst. He just said its what men do. Then he said I should lose weight if I am so hung up about it( BTW-he's never had a problem with my weight before and mostly he's been encouraging when I try and get slim without telling me I did to. When we talk about my weight, he says he wants me to lose some because it would be healthy, not because of any other reason and he never sneers at me for being overweight or ever really brings it up). He says its unreasonable for me to ask him to override something which is natural to men. Is it?

OP posts:
KatFleas · 29/09/2015 22:15

op this will drive you mad

Patapouf · 29/09/2015 22:20

Your man?

It's not cheating. If you'd said you didn't like it because of issues you have with the industry (welfare, exploitation etc) then YANBU
you cannot dictate what an adult male looks at on the Internet, if you're insecure you need to address that. As long as he isn't watching porn instead of DTD with you it's normal.
Would you like it if he told you not to look at porn (if you were so inclined)?

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/09/2015 22:22

Not unreasonable at all. You're allowed to set your own boundaries without people shaming you for being "uncool." You're allowed to think women are something other than sex objects, and to think it's destructive to love and romance and family and porn performers to engage in porn viewing.

There are a lot of us! The "cool wives" just speak up louderthe "sure, watch whatever you want, let's watch it together!" thing is a desperate ploy to make sure their husbands don't cheat or run around on them, often, and it generally failsa lot of us "uncool" wives were cool wives for a long time.

Oysterbabe · 29/09/2015 22:26

Yabu. Watching a bit of porn from time to time is harmless and banning him will just mean he does it behind your back.
You need to work on your own self esteem and not take it out on him.

DickDewy · 29/09/2015 22:28

Well some men do, some women do. It does not constitute cheating but might say more about the type of man you're with than you like to acknowledge.

My husband doesn't - I wouldn't be with him if he did. I think it's a pathetic excuse when some men (and women) trot out this 'it's natural to men' crap. It does a huge disservice to the men that have no interest in porn.

ScarletRuby · 29/09/2015 22:29

Womb just fuck off with your "cool wives* think. People love to bandy this about on here and think that it's an insult. Grow the fuck up and realise that actually some women actually feel that they can trust their partners and actually don't mind watching porn. Just because it doesn't happen in your little world doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all.

Right OP, sorry about that. It must be really hard for you with your body issues and of course you can insist all you want, but it would be unreasonable to expect him to obey you.

Tootsiepops · 29/09/2015 22:34

It's up to you and your partner to define the parameters of your relationship. YANBU to ask him not to watch porn, and to explain why, but is is not BU to have an alternate point of view.

He is BU for saying he won't do it and then lying about it.

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 29/09/2015 22:34

HI OP
Hope you're okay - porn is a very difficult issue.
Do let us know if you'd like us to move your thread to our relationships topic
MNHQ

usual · 29/09/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/09/2015 22:38

Well, of course you can't stop him from watching porn if he doesn't want to be stopped.

However, you can tell him how it makes you feel & expect him to respect your feelings.

My husband knows exactly how I feel about the whole porn industry. He also knows that if I ever found out that he'd been watching it again (we had a huge discussion about it previously) then our marriage would be over. For some people it isn't an issue at all, for others it really is.

TBH, I doubt your DP will stop now going by what he's said. So really you need to decide whether you can live with a partner or watches porn or not.

UncertainSmile · 29/09/2015 22:39

Uh oh, this won't end well. Views on porn are VERY entrenched in MN, usually end in a bunfight.
In my experience, most men I know have looked at porn.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/09/2015 22:39

Gah! who not or!

Scobberlotcher · 29/09/2015 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2015 22:41

It only took 3 posts for "cool wives" to get a mention.

Is that a record?

Oysterbabe · 29/09/2015 22:42

Well I am a woman and sometimes look at porn so no need to blame it entirely on the men.
Agree with others, he probably won't stop so you'll need to decide if it's something you can deal with.
It's not cheating in any way.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 29/09/2015 22:43

I feel for you Op
My husband and I both enjoy pon together and I don't see any harm in him watching it but that is my personal opinion. (And I don't do it because I think it will stop him cheatingHmm). Never heard of a man saying "well I was going to cheat but watching some people on a video or computer screen get it on stopped me" Hmm
For others it's a huge issue and I know of if i asked my husband to stop because it made me feel bad he would. I don't know why someone in a relationship would want to do something deliberately that hurts the other person. If it hurts you and makes you feel bad then you are within your rights to tell
him to stop

ScarletRuby · 29/09/2015 22:43

Hey Worra I think it is a record AND I got so angry I used the same word 3 times in the same sentence. For shame.

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/09/2015 22:45

Hah, and right on schedule there are the cool wives who are there to say it's not a cool wives thing, it's just that SOME people trust their partners and don't mind!

Fine, cool wives, but porn performers are some of the most exploited labor on the planet. People do that job out of desperation more often than not, and they're chewed up and spit out by it. There is literally no way for you to know when watching a video whether the person in it was in an economically coercive situation--not even getting it from the "right" sites. Plenty of people from the "right" sites know they have to say the right things about consent to get a contract and slightly better working conditions. it doesn't mean they're not coerced, or that the sex they're having isn't difficult and traumatic.

I think a lot of people (men and women alike) just don't think of porn performers as actual human beings--certainly not human beings motivated in the same ways they themselves are. The idea of the nymphomaniac is so entrenched in culture that people have deluded themselves into thinking porn performers' marketing line of "oh, I looooove my job, it's the best job in the world!" is for real. It's like guys who really think the stripper likes them especially well, when she's really just hustling.

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2015 22:45

"For shame" Grin Grin

AskBasil · 29/09/2015 22:50

YABVU to insist that anyone does or does not watch anything tbh. However, YANBU to not want to live with a man who does watch porn.

Like rapists, men who watch porn think all other men do it too and are just pretending when they say they don't. NAMALT.

You're allowed to set your own boundaries and if you don't want to have a relationship with a skank who watches porn, then don't. You don't have to accept it.

ScarletRuby · 29/09/2015 22:52

But you see Womb we don't see it as a "cool wives" thing, we don't even see it as a "wives" thing. I liked watching porn before I met my DP and I like doing it now.

Oysterbabe · 29/09/2015 22:52

Do rapists think all other men are rapists?! Confused

OwlinaTree · 29/09/2015 22:54

He should not have lied to you.

Honestly, must people have some sort of fantasy sexuality. Just look at how many people have read 50 shades. Men seen to prefer sexual images. I think teens watching porn could be harmful and misleading, but for grown men in loving relationships, as an addition to the physical and joint sex life, porn is OK.

It's scale too isn't it. One or two mags/ videos/ downloads seems OK. Piles of them seems more concerning.

Ultimately OP, it's up to you. Can you see it as separate to you as he probably does. If the relationship is good I'd just ignore it to be honest. Don't get your own body insecurities involved, I doubt he's comparing in that way.

OddlyLogical · 29/09/2015 22:56

You have every right to place whatever rules you want on your relationship.
Your DP has every right to decide whether he wants to comply.
It's impossible to say who is right or even reasonable, because in some relationships it would be fine, in others it wouldn't.

The problem is, you can't control him. If he wants to carry on looking at porn, he's clearly going to do it, so you need to decide if you are going to end the relationship over it.

Junosmum · 29/09/2015 22:58

I don't really have an issue with genuine porn. We have boundaries - no rape, rough stuff or homemade porn. That's about it. I don't really care other than that. It doesn't change his affection for me and it isn't cheating.

Men wank, some men are able to get off from their imagination, some aren't. You won't stop him wanking and imagining the woman down the shop or the hot girl on TV. I'd much rather he was wanking over a 'professional' (and fake) set up.