To insist my man never looks at porn and consider it a sort of cheating?

[StitchesBurstinBath]

My friends think it's unreasonable and say that any man who has the ability to get to a computer is looking at porn and if they are not it is only because it's because they are at work.
However, I have slight body issues and my friends are much slimmer than me so they can afford to roll their eyes and say 'boys will be boys'.
When I see what my partner looks at I am confronted with gorgeous girls with slim bodies and it makes me feel worthless. At first when he was confronted by me, he really did not understand how it made me feel. Then he said he'd stop.
Except I've caught him again.
and again.
and again.
Or last argument was our worst. He just said its what men do. Then he said I should lose weight if I am so hung up about it( BTW-he's never had a problem with my weight before and mostly he's been encouraging when I try and get slim without telling me I did to. When we talk about my weight, he says he wants me to lose some because it would be healthy, not because of any other reason and he never sneers at me for being overweight or ever really brings it up). He says its unreasonable for me to ask him to override something which is natural to men. Is it?

I can't understand how people can ever be ok with porn. How can they watch people being abused for their fun and entertainment? What on earth kind of people are they?

So much of it is designed to humiliate women, and how do you know you aren't watching filmed abuse or rape? Or that the women on screen have not been trafficked? How can you really KNOW??

Oh, and my DH does not and would not watch porn. He thinks, as I do, that it is a rotten industry that causes untold suffering to human beings, especially women. There is nothing arousing or entertaining about that.

Goblin, a lot of people don't like or agree with the porn industry and don't want to encourage it. Watching it "discretely" won't change that.

Anyway, do (some) people really NEED porn or visual images to masterbate? I always thought that was just an excuse to use porn.

I can't understand how people can ever be ok with porn. How can they watch people being abused for their fun and entertainment?

I'm sorry but this is like saying "I don't like the internet". At best it's wildly misinformed.
Pornography - especially since the advent of the internet have made sexual images available to all. And I can assure you that it is not all about people "being abused".

There are images of mild erotica, feminist porn, straight, "normal" fucking, sensual porn, transvestite porn.

OH and I enjoy porn, and I can assure you we don't want to watch anyone being abused.

Bambambini it's not about "needing" porn, it can be about enjoying it.

No, some people do need visuals.
There's now a lot of amatueur porn and not all designed to humilate.
I agree that i don't think you can ask your partner not to watch it.
I also don't agree it's cheating ( unless is actually interacting with people)
If you feel you can't be with someone who watches porn, completely fine, then you need to think about what you want more.
If you can't have it in your life then find someone with the same values.
As someone said above, not all men do use porn, same as not all partners have a problem with it.
It may help you to work on your self esteem anyway though op, you certain shouldn't be feeling unhappy with yourself like this, and can just end up coming out in different ways.

I agree that i don't think you can ask your partner not to watch it.

I really don't get this. Sorry.

I think you can ask your partner not to do anything (that's legal not to do).
Equally they can say "No I'm still going to do [it]".
You can then choose if it is a deal breaker - in which case you split. Or not - in which case you work through it.

And you can do this just as much with Porn, as voting Tory, playing Dungeons and Dragons, or wearing socks in bed.

I also don't believe all men watch porn who use the internet.

Of course you can ask him to stop - that's not unreasonable. We all ask our partners to change various aspects of their behaviour at some point, whether it is being untidy, not helping with kids - or using porn.
But he can say no - that's his decision. But previous history tells you he is not going to stop, so you need to decide if you can live with it. Is it a deal-breaker for you?
There is no consensus here about porn use so you will need to make up your own mind. Only you know what you can live with.

You will never stop him, he will just watch it when you're not around. I like looking at porn sometimes, as do other women, it depends if it upsets you so much, whether you can deal with it. It certainly isn't cheating, it's only pictures.

Personally I think web cam stuff is more akin to going to a prostitute than watching porn. It's not the same thing at all in my mind.

I don't know where i stand with my 'cool wife' credentials, because i don't really care much about fidelity and it probably wouldn't be deal breaker for me if DH had the odd ONS (i've never really 'got' exclusivity and would happily have an 'open' marriage within certain boundaries). DH regularly goes away and sees exes etc. But i am very anti porn, prostitutes and strip clubs, but that has nothing to do with 'cheating' or insecurities about my body it's entirely to do with exploitation and the sex industry.

I think there is nothing wrong with not liking porn, but i do find your reasons odd and a bit selfish. If i was your DH and those were your reasons i'd probably not stop on those grounds. I think you need to work on your self esteem and body issues and perhaps not be with someone who watches porn if that's how it makes you feel. Also ime someone who likes porn will not stop watching it, they will just lie and justify it in their heads as okay 'because everyone does it'. The only way to be sure is to be with someone who doesn't watch it from the start for their own reasons.

You will never stop him, he will just watch it when you're not around.

I find this sentiment bizarre. Do people really have such a low opinion of the men in their lives?

OP, I asked my DP to stop watching porn. I explained why it upset me and he was upset that he'd upset me (iyswim). I can't guarantee that he doesn't watch it, but I trust him so I'm confident that he doesn't. It is ABSOLUTELY okay if this is a deal breaker for you.

I said ime Amelia. I suppose it depends on how into it he is. I have known many men who say they will stop but think nothing of still watching it. I think if you are really hard wired into it it can be very hard to stop - especially if you think it doesn't really harm your partner (or their reasons are silly) and they don't need to know. I studied it a little at uni and it really is very addictive.

There is a growing movement that recognises the damage that porn can do to us as individuals, families and society. It's presented very well. Perhaps you can read what they have to say together: www.fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/

YANBU. I told my DH I didn't like it near the beginning of our relationship and he was fine about it. I just made it crystal clear that if he wanted to watch it then he could - Single.

If DH said he didn't want me to look at porn because it really upset him, I just wouldn't look at it. Why some men think they NEED or DESERVE to do it because 'that's what men do' is just beyond me. I find it utterly pathetic.

As for it being cheating, no one can tell you it isn't cheating if that is how you feel.

It would be cheating to me. It's crossing a boundary we agreed on.

It's up to the individual person to decide what cheating is for them and then find someone who they can be compatible with. I would never have married a porn watcher because I have no interest in changing a person, so if DH went and watched porn then yes, he has cheated on me because he married me knowing my boundaries and agreed with them. Which means he would have lied to me and betrayed my trust by watching porn.

Op yabu

You sound very controlling. Your dp is an adult and you cannot tell him what to do. You can have a grown up conversation about expectations and boundaries, but you may have to agree to differ on some matters.

Is your partner allowed to masterbate?

Not everybody is addicted to porn though.
I wouldn't stop watching it if my dp asked me too.
I'd find it controlling being told what i can and can't watch.

ndjakou

Just the sort of thing you would expect from some radical christian organisation.

I still recall the outrage I felt when clearing out the office to turn into a nursery, and came across a bag of porn magazines. Dh had been given them by someone. I felt disgusted when I saw them (pregnancy hormones probably didn't help). I soon disposed of them! ( and haven't seen any evidence of porn since, either magazines or Internet).

For me, having a do looking at porn would be a deal breaker, as I find the whole thing a little sordid. I know other people find it fine, and there's 'good porn' and 'bad porn', but it's not a world I wish to enter.

Men DO watch porn, generalisation I know, there are some men that don't but I believe in general they do and it's ever so accessible these days.

If you would prefer that he does not use pornography then he should respect that however I think you will find that, given the history that you have alluded to, he will just go underground until he is caught again.

So...how far are you prepared to go?
Would you leave him because of his usage?

I fear that this ultimatum would be the only thing that made him think twice.

I would also be concerned about how you feel about yourself;
"I have slight body issues"
"I am confronted with gorgeous girls with slim bodies and it makes me feel worthless"

No two human beings are made the same (apart from identical twins) so STOP comparing yourself to your friends and women on the porn sites your husband looks at.

To me there's a distinct difference between being asked to stop looking at porn because it upsets the other party, and being told in a controlling way though.

Men DO watch porn, generalisation I know, there are some men that don't but I believe in general they do and it's ever so accessible these days.

Maybe so, but there's a huge difference to watching it frequently and taking a sneak peak for a quick trill now and again.

There's also a difference in attitude whilst watching it some like seeing tits and ass and sex being enjoyed, others get off on seeing a woman dominated and used.

There's no way you can generalise the use of porn

Anyfucker- my partner likes webcam girls but he doesn't interact with them- he just downloads their shows. There are people who pay for performances and record these performances and then put them on the internet. Aside from that he just like girl on girl. Men never feature in the stuff he likes so its not as if females are getting that subjugated to the extent they do in other legal stuff- ie getting called 'bitch' or 'slut' a lot or getting humiliated by being penetrated in nasty ways or being gang banged. But im not angry about it from a feminist view, but from a personal view.
I trust him, i think he PROBABLY wouldn't cheat on me.
But because he likes porn I can't say he ABSOLUTELY wouldn't cheat on me.
BTW- even if he liked stuff with other men in I still wouldn't want to watch it. And I still wouldnt want him to watch it when he's on his own.

The "cool wives" just speak up louderthe "sure, watch whatever you want, let's watch it together!" thing is a desperate ploy to make sure their husbands don't cheat or run around on them, often, and it generally failsa lot of us "uncool" wives were cool wives for a long time.
You have absolutely NO idea what every woman who says that is actually thinking or feeling. You've made it up to suit your opinion or your own personal previous behaviour. You cannot accept that there are many women who aren't just ok (genuinely ok) with their partner watching porn, but they actually enjoy it themselves.

But because he likes porn I can't say he ABSOLUTELY wouldn't cheat on me.
I know he has been dishonest about his porn use, but I don't believe he is any more or less likely to cheat, either because he watches porn or because he has lied about it.

OP I'm not sure there has to be a direct correlation between your DH watching porn and being physically unfaithful to you. Why do you think this would be the case? Surely other things in your relationship must be influencing that feeling?

I understand you OP.

The porn watching is affecting your self esteem, and the fact that he brushes this off and just tells you to lose weight is hardly helping.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, and that is fine - you are allowed to define what you find acceptable in a relationship.

Your friends, who tell you that it's just what men do, are setting the bar very low for men, and it seems to me they have a poor opinion of their partners, if they deem them so unable to control their viewing choices.

You do not have to accept something that so clearly upsets you in a relationship, and frankly his response to you is extremely insensitive. Not what you should expect from someone who cares.