To insist my man never looks at porn and consider it a sort of cheating?

[StitchesBurstinBath]

My friends think it's unreasonable and say that any man who has the ability to get to a computer is looking at porn and if they are not it is only because it's because they are at work.
However, I have slight body issues and my friends are much slimmer than me so they can afford to roll their eyes and say 'boys will be boys'.
When I see what my partner looks at I am confronted with gorgeous girls with slim bodies and it makes me feel worthless. At first when he was confronted by me, he really did not understand how it made me feel. Then he said he'd stop.
Except I've caught him again.
and again.
and again.
Or last argument was our worst. He just said its what men do. Then he said I should lose weight if I am so hung up about it( BTW-he's never had a problem with my weight before and mostly he's been encouraging when I try and get slim without telling me I did to. When we talk about my weight, he says he wants me to lose some because it would be healthy, not because of any other reason and he never sneers at me for being overweight or ever really brings it up). He says its unreasonable for me to ask him to override something which is natural to men. Is it?

The "cool wives" just speak up louderthe "sure, watch whatever you want, let's watch it together!" thing is a desperate ploy to make sure their husbands don't cheat or run around on them, often, and it generally failsa lot of us "uncool" wives were cool wives for a long time.

What rubbish.

I enjoy watching porn. I often watch it alone, during the day when the house is empty.

Not sure how that will keep my OH from straying.

If your problem with him watching porn was the porn industry and the many issues it has I would have more sympathy for you.

YABU and I'm not a cool wife as I don't have a husband. Men wank and women wank, a lot of men like wanking to porn. As long as he doesn't stay up late every night wanking instead of coming to bed with you then the only problem here is your insecurity.

If he didn't like you the way you were he wouldn't of got with you and still be with you now.

different apologies I didn't realise I had said that. Oh yes, I didnt.

Of course it's not right, but I am not speaking to the partner I am speaking to the OP. The fact that he is also in the wrong doesn't change that I think using your insecurities to control your partner is not ok. Him lying, doesn't change that

I think the "cool wives" term is really useful. It's not for women (in this case) who genuinely enjoy porn, it's for women who are doing things outside of their comfort zone because they feel they need to to keep a man interested.

So if you're both happily watching porn and it's a positive part of your lives, not a cool wife. If you're watching porn with him, when you don't enjoy it, but are pretending to, then you're being a cool wife, and you need to work on your self esteem and be secure in what you're comfortable with.

So in that scenario, the person who isn't being "cool" is feeling insulted that someone is assuming their choices aren't their own. But the "cool wife" being told that they are allowed to not like porn, they are allowed to see it as a dealbreaker, they can go by their true feelings, could really help them.

Op you can't ban another adult from doing something, all you can do is say "this is my boundary". He then has a choice as to whether he respects that boundary, or it doesn't work for him.

I doubt there are many adults, male or female, who have not seen porn in some form. Not all men watch porn. Not all women watch porn.

It is one of my dealbreakers, for ethical reasons. Dh does not use porn. Not all men do.

It's up to you where your boundaries lie.

If your issues are more down to selfesteem perhaps there are ways to mend that rather than split up over this. Only you can decide what is right for you.

But your friend is wrong to say that you can't leave just because she wouldn't. This is up to you.

"Cool wives" is yet another crap Internet term used to dismiss and belittle

Your friends are idiots, your dp is wrong. All men don't do this. If you don't like it and he won't stop it you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. Personally the lying would do it for me. And just what Womb said.

^ I agree with fuckyouchris.

Not all men use porn, some women use porn. But...

i often think that a lot of relationship issues are down to people's different views on such things. For example, one partner frowns on drinking, the other one goes out every couple of weeks and gets a bit tipsy. Neither person has 'a problem with drink' but it's a problem in their relationship because each persons behaviour is upsetting the other and each person feels judged.

Clearly here porn is something your dh thinks is trivial and you don't - which upsets you greatly. I don't think you're going to solve this by either extreme of him never looking at porn again or you pretending it's all ok and you're fine with it.

Perhaps the solution is communication. He needs to know exactly why this upsets you and acknowledge that his action (which he thinks is just passive watching) is actively causing you upset and directly affecting your self esteem.
I'm not sure banning him is the way to go - he's an adult and if he likes porn I can't see him stopping entirely. As the poster above says, all you can do is explain why you find it so upsetting and set out your boundaries. He may think of it as a passive activity (just watching) - does he understand your objections?

Difficult situation op, I don't see any quick fixes.

YANBU.

I always thought that the 'cool wives' thing was referring to women whose husband watch a lot of porn, and the women has been utterly convinced that it was the norm and all men watch it. So these women watch it with them or just live with it, despite not enjoying or liking the situation.

They are different from women that like watching porn.

All men certainly do not watch porn. Definitely not frequently if they do. Some men are addicted to porn. Every relationship is different. If your partner watches it frequently and it's not something you can accept then I'm sorry to say you are not compatible.

I can live with a man who watches it occasionally (few times a year) but could never with a man who watches it purposely and regularly.

YANBU

It's a deal breaker for me. Thankfully I married someone who feels the same way about it as I do. And no, he is not lying to me. He has far too much respect for himself to pretend to be someone he isn't just to please me. If I watched porn it would be a deal breaker for him too. He did watch it once when he was younger but he didn't enjoy it and he said it made him feel a bit grubby. He also has a low sex drive and sex is very much linked to love for him and he can't separate the two.

I do not want to be in a marriage with a man who thinks it's ok to watch women be exploited. I will await posts that will now tell me my husband is secretly a porn watcher and just good at hiding it Some people like to put people in boxes and say all men watch porn because they haven't met anyone themselves who don't and they can't understand it so assume others are lying.

As for 'cool wives' it is something that is trotted out here a lot and I think has lost a lot of its meaning. To me a cool wife is someone who will do anything they aren't comfortable with just so they don't come across as insecure or lose their husband and then try to convince other woman that they are insecure and pathetic if they don't like their husband's watching porn. Being genuinely ok with porn is not a cool wife.

Like others said. It is up to you to decide what you can and can't deal with.

Fuckyouandthathorsechris how can a term that is used by women to insult other women a "useful term"?

It's not used on here for women who are pressured into choices by their partners and then pretend it's ok, it's used by women who assume that what's happening when they know nothing about how that woman thinks and is judgemental.

YANBU, But I do believe a little "alone" time to take care of one's own business is healthy and natural, and not everyone is capable of doing that without some sort of stimulation, be in visual or from reading erotica, etc.

If you're really upset with him using porn, then maybe you can suggest other things that you are comfortable with that he can use for simulation? Perhaps suggest some naughty books? Are you ok with just pictures?

I think maybe you should both explore options together, and figure out what you're comfortable with?

So what if he masturbates, lying on the bed with his eyes closed??

Who is in his head? Would you ask? Would he tell you?

How far do you take the "virtual fidelity" thing?

I haven't rtft but porn isn't cheating. I've been cheated on and it is incomparable. The pain from being cheated on is nothing like your partner watching porn. If people don't see those images then they imagine them, or is he not allowed to fantasise in his imagination?
You need to decide if it's a deal breaker. I personally wouldn't be with someone who told me how I could or couldn't masturbate. I don't have a problem with my partner watching porn because I watch it sometimes and it doesn't impact our sex life. The cool/uncool wives thing is pathetic and something I believe insecure women say. The fact of the matter is different people have different boundaries.
Your partner shouldn't have lied about it. You need to decide if you can live with it or not. Either way I do think you should seek help with your insecurities. You won't feel more secure just because he isn't watching porn.

Also, can I ask why you call him "my man"? I wouldn't like my oh calling me "my woman" like I'm his property or something.

Womb Oh fuck off with your cool wives comment.
I have no problem with my dp watching porn.
Doesn't mean i'm desperate to keep him, i watch it too! On my own.
I've never had a problem with porn, i watched it before i even met my dp.
Why is it hard for some people to understand that acually some partners have no problems with porn as it's not an issue for them?
There were no insults either until you threw yours in.

Op he shouldn't have lied. I don't think you can tell him what he can and can't watch,especially as it's your issue. ( which i sympathise, i'm trying to lose some at the minute!)
He's not thinking he'd rather be with one of them than you.
Some PEOPLE just need the visual simulation.
Unless your dp is not having sex with you, masturbation is different to your sexlife.
If you don't want to be with him that is up to you, i'd just weigh up first everythingelse about him.

Scarlet, but that's not the case here. You've got the op who is being pressured by a friend to believe that all men use porn, and that she should ignore her own views on the matter. She's being pressurised into being a "cool wife". She doesn't feel happy with it, but is being told that she should conform with what her friend sees as normal.

I don't consider it an insult. It doesn't apply to anyone who is doing things because they want to. I am not a cool wife because I trust my husband with his female friends. I would be, if he was a serial cheater and I felt I had to let him spend time with women alone for fear of being controlling.

It's not an insult to those that it does apply to, it's letting them know that their feelings are valid too, and that you shouldn't compromise who you are in a relationship (that doesn't mean you don't compromise, it just means you don't pretend to be someone that you're not).

I know, looking back at my early 20s particularly, there were times I was definitely trying to be "cool" and not true to myself.

I think those offended by the term are probably those who it really doesn't apply to at all. They are secure in who they are, and feel insulted that someone is suggesting they are pretending to be that person. They're not pretending. They're not being a "cool wife". They're being themselves and it all works.

So it could be a woman who loves porn, marries a man who hates it, and rather than tell him the truth, she pretends to hate it too. That would also be being the "cool wife". Instead she should be honest about who she is, they decide their own way forwards, together or apart, but without either person pretending to be someone they are not in an attempt to fit in.

YABU to class it as cheating, it isn't.
YANBU to expect him not to use it, it should be because it is a vile exploitative industry though...

I think it's very controlling to ask a man not to watch porn if he wants to.

If it offends his partner then he needs to be discreet about it. What people do behind the privacy of a closed door is their own business- even in a relationship.

How do you know what your husband's wanking thoughts are? THat's his to know, even within a marriage.

If my OH wants to have a ham shank in the bath while thinking about J-Los backside and a shampoo bottle stuck up hie arse, frankly that's none of my business.

The same goes for porn. If it offends then it needs to be done in private.

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you own them.

BTW- to the poster who said they had been cheated on and it's incomparable to porn. I'm sorry what you went through and what I meant was that porn is in the same direction as cheating but not as bad as cheating.
To the poster who queried the 'my man' phrasing. I don't mind at all if my partner refers to me as 'my woman'. I don't know where that puts me on the cool/uncool wives/partners thing.

Stitches - they were both my comments. I don't think porn is in the same direction as cheating at all unless it's interactive. Do you mind what he does or doesn't think about when he wanks?
Also, I don't agree with the labelling of "cool/uncool" etc. I was merely asking why you referred to him as your man as it sounds like he's your property or something, I was just curious.

Goblinhat - I am laughing so much at "ham shank" and shampoo bottle up the arse

Op, did you say your partner also uses Web cam girls ie interacts with real women in real time ?