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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist my man never looks at porn and consider it a sort of cheating?

99 replies

StitchesBurstinBath · 29/09/2015 22:10

My friends think it's unreasonable and say that any man who has the ability to get to a computer is looking at porn and if they are not it is only because it's because they are at work.
However, I have slight body issues and my friends are much slimmer than me so they can afford to roll their eyes and say 'boys will be boys'.
When I see what my partner looks at I am confronted with gorgeous girls with slim bodies and it makes me feel worthless. At first when he was confronted by me, he really did not understand how it made me feel. Then he said he'd stop.
Except I've caught him again.
and again.
and again.
Or last argument was our worst. He just said its what men do. Then he said I should lose weight if I am so hung up about it( BTW-he's never had a problem with my weight before and mostly he's been encouraging when I try and get slim without telling me I did to. When we talk about my weight, he says he wants me to lose some because it would be healthy, not because of any other reason and he never sneers at me for being overweight or ever really brings it up). He says its unreasonable for me to ask him to override something which is natural to men. Is it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 22:59

OP, he isn't going to stop watching porn.

It's over to you to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you. It's ok to end a relationship for this and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This is your life and your friends are not living it.

There are men who don't use porn. I don't think there are are many that have never seen porn, like there are not many women that have not. Your bloke is a regular user though and he does it even though he knows it upsets you.

He could not use porn if he really wanted to. It's not like oxygen, or water. His cock won't fall off and his manly hormones won't dry up if he were to decide he's grown up enough to acknowledge it is exploitative of men and of women. That doesn't seem to be your problem with it though ?

BackInTheRealWorld · 29/09/2015 23:03

Would you feel happier if the porn he watched had fatter girls in it?

sproketmx · 29/09/2015 23:08

It is a bit unreasonable. And like others have said lead him to hiding it from you. I dont have a problem with it, or with mine going to the strippers. It's me that cooks his tea and cares for hus kids and it's me that he's coming home to. It's mutual tho and he doesn't mind either. Though he did object to me puking out his van window after picking me up from the dreamboys last month Grin

I think he meant you need to lose weight because it clearly matters to you and not because he has a problem with it

NewLife4Me · 29/09/2015 23:10

OP, it's up to you what you want to do, nobody else, and it's your personal decision.
I don't mind it at all, but understand many reasons why others do.
There is no right or wrong it's how you feel.
However, you do have an issue with your weight that you need to address irrespective of any porn use, that's a separate issue.

ApplesTheHare · 29/09/2015 23:10

Porn isn't cheating, but I can see why it gets you down while struggling with self esteem OP. Perhaps that's something to work on?

I don't know what the 'cool wives' thing is but personally I wouldn't worry about DH watching porn unless he became addicted to it and used it in place of actual RL sex. Most men who watch it seem to view the two quite separately and prefer RL action!

If it helps at all, DH has worked in IT for a long time. The majority of men, and many women, watch porn, to the point that he's surprised if he sees a computer that hasn't been used to access porn. Many women (and men) read erotic stories online too. It's a lot more 'normal' to consume some sort of porn than a lot of people make out. As Owlina says, look at 50 Shades. As for the point about exploitation, I think that's just an argument people use to justify their own discomfort about the idea of watching porn, and people who watch it should be compared to meat eaters who consume meat knowing animal welfare standards aren't ideal where animals are mass farmed rather than, say, rapists.

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2015 23:11

Any thoughts so far OP?

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2015 23:13

I don't know what the 'cool wives' thing is

It's an insult some women use towards other women on Mumsnet, because the other women are OK with their DPs doing something that they personally are not ok with.

Childish, but you do see it pop up from time to time along with 'hand maidens' and a few other insults.

Cat2014 · 29/09/2015 23:15

Yanbu, he should respect your wishes here if he values you at all.

sproketmx · 29/09/2015 23:27

Lol at the cool wives thing. Bit like the 'cool kids' at school then. Only ever referred to as such by wannabes Grin

DixieNormas · 29/09/2015 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amazingtracy · 29/09/2015 23:34

OP- if you think that looking at porn is anything like being cheated on (with a real life fuck with a real life woman)- you have led a very sheltered life.

Porn is porn and affair is affair. This is all about your insecurities about your weight IMO.

(I'll not even comment about the man ownership part)

Icanseeclearly · 30/09/2015 00:06

Everyone has to set their own boundaries and decide what boundaries they are prepared to live with. If you are not happy with a relationship involving porn for any reason that is your choice. Your partner then gets to choose if they agree to live with that.

What they don't get is to ignore you, belittle your feelings or lie.

The thing is, he's made it clear he won't stop and that he'll lie to ensure he can. You have to decide if you are prepared to live with that.

Fwiw, all men don't watch porn. Many but not all. Of those many there are those who would happily not watch it if their partner was uncomfortable. All this sweeping statement crap is just that - crap.

Original poster
StitchesBurstinBath · 30/09/2015 01:24

i did not there was a cool/uncool wives thing. I guess i must fall further towards the uncool side(but not wife). overidingly I am getting pretty much what my friends said-all guys do it but some hide it(if they need to) better than others. I didn't get 50 shades at all but I do like some erotic fiction but I dont think I am a hypocrite. I know its shallow but visually these woman have so much power while I wield none.

To answer one poster though it would bother me if he was into porn with people were overweight.
But perhaps not quite as much. But he isnt and even if he was we certainly would not 'enjoy' it together.
To query another poster- you said there were limits. No rape (simulated obviously) or rough stuff (simulated) or home made. I get how violent stuff is a no-no for you (and hes not into anything like that-just lesbians and webcam girls mostly) but why is home made a problem for you? Im assuming that you meant home made by strangers? if you meant people you know personally then I get it.

OP posts:
sproketmx · 30/09/2015 01:47

^visually these woman have so much power while I wield none.
To answer one poster though it would bother me if he was into porn with people were overweight.
But perhaps not quite as much.^

Why though? Not being funny but when aid an turner or john frusciante take their tops off my eyes and mind is on them. Does it mean I don't find my hubby attractive? No I just like that fantasy in the moment. Same thing really

ChipsandGuac · 30/09/2015 02:01

I used to be really cool about people watching porn. But then I got involved with a charity that works within the porn industry. What you are mostly watching nowadays, especially if it's coming out of Eastern Europe, is the result of drug addiction and human trafficking. If that kind of shit gives you a boner, I am going to judge you.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2015 02:05

It's utter bullshit to say that all men watch 'porn (using the definition of material depicting heterosexual or fake-lesbian sexual behaviour which is aimed at a male audience). Some men have low libidos, some are only interested in sex when it's linked with love, some are not heterosexual, some believe that all porn which features actual human performers is exploitative...

What other people do is not really relevant, Op. Basically you have four options to choose between.
A) You object to porn, you tell your partner, he rejects porn, you both live happily ever after.
B) You object to porn, you tell your partner, he carries on enjoying porn, you leave him.
C) You object to porn, you tell your partner, he decides that he doesn't want to have a relationship with a woman who objects to porn, he leaves you.
D) You object to porn, you tell your partner, you have a discussion about porn, you accept that he enjoys porn (and/or you agree to enjoy porn with him) you both live happily ever after.

None of these options are 'wrong'. It's up to you to decide what you can live with, and it's up to him to decide what he can live with.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/09/2015 02:13

OP, if you consider porn to be cheating then your DP has repeatedly "cheated" on you and told you that he is not going to give it up, despite your argument.Sad

You need to decide if you want to live with that.

Baconyum · 30/09/2015 02:26

I too think this is more about your insecurities than porn.

I'm also overweight, single, over 40 and have no problem meeting lovers. It's not about weight, its about confidence. I wasn't always overweight, I was tiny when younger and not nearly as confident and as a result had less sexual/romantic success. But initially when I started gaining weight my confidence reduced even more.

Something which started me thinking was something Kelly Brook said (and yes I know she's not overweight but she is considered larger in the fashion industry sense, plus note I said started me thinking), it was along the lines of noticing the difference between cover girls/models used by women's/fashion mags and those used by 'lads mags'. The ones on and in women's ones tend to be skinny even androgynous, but the ones in lads mags tend to have hips, boobs, bums, thighs and even rounded tummies.

Lose weight for health if necessary but don't think it makes you less sexy/attractive, if it did your bf would never have looked twice at you.

I've been complimented on stretch marks and cellulite ffs.

Even within my circle I have male friends who are very attracted to larger ladies and turned off by slim ones (not that there's anything wrong with being slim either) but everyone likes different things.

Porn can even confirm this, there's tons of very popular bbw, milf etc videos even whole sites devoted to them. If he's into lesbian stuff very little crosses over into curvier body types (which is ridiculous as lesbians come in all shapes and sizes too) probably just feeding into androgynous dyke stereotypes so that's what happens to come up when he looks.

Plus I bet he's no hunk himself! Men have insecurities too it's about how you handle them.

Senpai · 30/09/2015 04:00

What is it with the "cool wives" thing? The term was invented by a sociopath who has fallen off the deep end. I'm not sure it should be used as a credible reference to anything when she had a skewed vision of the world to begin with.

Anyway, it's about talking to your partner about expectations. He lied to you. That's a breach of trust, and that isn't a small deal. He said he wouldn't do something that he knew upset you, then went behind your back and did it. It doesn't matter what it was he did exactly, he's not being honest and he's not respecting your boundaries. Porn itself is the least of your worries.

If you aren't ok with porn, then you aren't ok with porn. Some couples don't consider kissing cheating. Some don't consider sexting cheating. But you have clearly established that porn is a no go, so he either needs to respect that or find a different woman.

And... no it's not a thing "all men do". Some do, some don't. DH used to, until he learned about how women get into and now he find its too depressing to watch.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 06:26

Fwiw, I would consider web camming to be cheating.

CuttedUpPear · 30/09/2015 06:29

YADNBU

I feel for you.

Spartans · 30/09/2015 06:33

I think Yabu. You are telling him he can't do something because you feel insecure.

You need to deal with the insecurity. Because eventually you will decide he can't go a beach etc . It usually gets worse. Deal with that.

Controlling your partner because you have insecurities is not ok.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2015 06:35

The "cool wives" just speak up louderthe "sure, watch whatever you want, let's watch it together!" thing is a desperate ploy to make sure their husbands don't cheat or run around on them, often, and it generally failsa lot of us "uncool" wives were cool wives for a long time.

What a pile of sanctimonious drivel!

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2015 06:36

Controlling your partner because you have insecurities is not ok.

What is also not ok, is not helping your partner overcome those insecurities & feeding them with your selfish actions.

Rainuntilseptember · 30/09/2015 06:48

No matter how thin I got I would never be happy with dh using porn. I did choose someone with this in mind, he isn't stopping himself for me he doesn't want to. How you get a man who does want to to stop, I really don't know. He clearly isn't even being discreet about it either since you are finding out!
Like most labels "cool wife" had an element of truth in it and an element of exaggeration. Not getting the sociopath bit Confused