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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is excessive?

33 replies

hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:08

Been with DP 1.5 years.

I live in London and he lives in France. I have 3 months off work so am moving in with him until Christmas - 11 weeks in total.

He has a hobby which takes him abroad on weekends. He has committed to doing this hobby for 6/11 weekends I am there.

He says we will see each other in the week and really enjoys this hobby. I say I've sacrificed a lot to move abroad, and as we will both we working in the week I'd rather we spent more weekends together.

I can't tell who is being selfish?

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 28/09/2015 23:09

You.

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:10

Fair enough, thanks catford

OP posts:
Blondie1984 · 28/09/2015 23:12

Surely you knew about the hobby before you moved?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:12

I knew he had it but was told it would be 2/3 weekends which I was 100% fine with - this has only now doubled in number

OP posts:
Blondie1984 · 28/09/2015 23:13

And I thought you had 3 months off - so why would you be working in the week?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:14

Oh I have 3 months off my main London job, but am working a different job whilst there for money.

Tbh I was fine with it, until I saw him on Facebook organising the 6th weekend, and got disgruntled he hadn't told me about it first.

OP posts:
DragonsCanHop · 28/09/2015 23:15

You have the opportunity to feel a different country for 11 weeks whilst you both work and he carries out his own commitments, I don't think he is bu.

I would love to wish someone would drop everything for me but in reality it's not really going to happen and I would enjoy his passion for his hobby, is it something you can assist with/watch whilst there?

anothernumberone · 28/09/2015 23:15

Him.

Blondie1984 · 28/09/2015 23:16

Hmm I can understand why you are annoyed - could you go with him? Or have friends to stay on the weekends he is away?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:17

No I can't go or assist - I don't really have the money to stay with friends and he is my only contact in France which is obviously not his fault. Im trying to arrange friends to stay with me

OP posts:
Blondie1984 · 28/09/2015 23:18

Could your friends comes to visit?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:18

Yes that's what I'm trying to organise :)

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 28/09/2015 23:21

It does sort of depends what the hobby is. If it's stamp collecting, then he can drop it and pick it up anytime.

But if it's something that only happens on certain dates, or that you have to work to keep up with (something physical, or something you get qualified in so need to put hours in) then it's more reasonable that he carry on.

It's not reasonable that he hasn't discussed his further plans with you though. I suggest you set up a shared Goigle calendar and ask him to block out (i.e. Not book over) the weekends you are going to spend doing stuff together.

MillionToOneChances · 28/09/2015 23:22

Presumably this long-distance relationship works because you're both quite independent and enjoy having your own space? How often do you usually see one another?

Could it be that he still needs a bit of space for himself, perhaps even more than usual given you'll be living together during the week? I don't think he's automatically unreasonable, but it sounds like he hasn't handled it in the best way.

CatMilkMan · 28/09/2015 23:25

What's his hobby?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:26

The shared google calendar sounds like a great great idea, thank you.

Yes we both can go long periods without needing to see each other - I think I was mainly cross about the way he didn't tell me about it, and that moving abroad is out of my comfort zone, and I would have liked us to have some nice plans (we don't have any yet), and it seems like every time we speak he is planning another weekend away!!!

I think I'll grin and bear this 6th weekend, and ask if it can not be any more than that, and plan some things for the two of us...

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 28/09/2015 23:26

If it's competitive sports, and these are competitions, that's hard to just drop.

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:27

It's an academic hobby - think conferences and lectures. Nothing to do with his job though, it's just for fun.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 28/09/2015 23:33

I'm all for having separate time and activities, but given that yours is already a LD relationship, it doesn't sound like he is that bothered about spending time with you. Do you have any plans to move to be in the same place?

TheExMotherInLaw · 28/09/2015 23:33

Can you go with him on these weekends, but go sightseeing while he is at the conferences?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 28/09/2015 23:35

I wonder if he sees it as 84 days of living together of which he's spending 6 or 12 nights away. You see it as 60 days of him at work plus 12 days of hobby leaving very little for you.
Did you talk about plans for the stay?

Princerocks · 28/09/2015 23:36

You are giving him the rare opportunity to spend 3 months with you. You will both be working during the week so this could be 3 months of weekends together. He is not falling over himself with enthusiasm if he is arranging to spend half those weekends doing something without you. I wouldn't go.

Original poster
hannah0030 · 28/09/2015 23:38

Yes, this time next year we will be living in the same place permanently.

Like i said, I can't afford to go to these places, and I wouldn't really want to go just to limp around like a puppy behind her master if you see what I mean!

Yes that's exactly how we see it Giddy - well like I said we are working in the days, we have made plans for a date night at least once a week, but I guess with all these weekends away I need something a bit more concrete.

OP posts:
FanOfSpam · 28/09/2015 23:39

Conferences and lectures? But fun? YABU to use oxymorons.

LineyReborn · 28/09/2015 23:40

Well, if he's genuinely choosing to spend all those weekends away from you, when you are both working during the week, and this is a key time in your newish relationship, I'd be a bit Confused yeah.