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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt and worthless by this mums constant comments

87 replies

scoobydoobysnacks · 27/09/2015 14:33

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I am slightly dyslexic and my phone like to auto correct the wrong spelling to make me appear even more so!

I don't really know how to Handle these comments I've been getting by a mum at the school.

So not to drip feed I will tell you the background for clarity. Sorry it's long winded

My dh works full time in a (to us) well paid job. We have always had low paying jobs so to us his new job is well paid with unlimited overtime that is double pay that he does occasionally here and there on average 12 hours a week on top of his full time job. He enjoys his job and he sees it as extra money for treats.

I have two buy to let properties and make a small amount of profit each month. So with that and my husbands wage we earn enough to pay our bills.
I also run a tiny business from home, it is more of a hobby and it really doesn't pay well at all. Just something to keep me busy.

Now there is a mum at the school we were at one point very close friends as our DCs were best friends. Her DH has left her they are now divorced and it was all very sad. She struggled to cope mentally as he up and left her one day for a younger OW. She had always been a kept woman as her DH is in a amazing job. She also used to run a small business from home that she enjoyed. On the outside they seemed very well off had a big house new cars nice things but there big house was funded by a interest only mortgage so all the income was going on nice things rather than into the house.
She didn't realize the seriousness of it all until she got a valuation of the house done as she couldn't afford the mortgage and bills. They were in negative equity and financially in trouble. So she had to quit her home business and is now in full time employment. She has now become a rather bitter person.

The friendship has died down a bit recently and I have distanced myself a bit due to nasty comments on FB about knowing who your friends are. This was aimed at me when she approached me about renting one of the buy to let's. She asked how much rent I was getting. Both of my properties I rent out quite cheaply as they were bought as do uppers. I have done them up myself not to a amazing standard but enough to rent out with the potential to fix them up as and when to a high standard and get a very high rent. At the moment there doing fine and I haven't got the money to do this. Both sets of tenants are great and until they give notice I have no plans to do this. This advice was given from the estate agent.
As the rent is quite low my friend asked if her and her DCs could move in. I basically said I already have great tenants and if the property became available I would let her know.

So the friendship has become a bit distant. However I see her everyday at school and we make conversation. Every single day without fail she will find a way of dropping into the conversation about me not working and nasty little digs at me.

Last week one morning I was yawning a bit due to sick dog keeping me awake most of the night so she said "well it doesn't matter as it's not like you do anything all day"

Another mum asked if I had any plans one day and I said a new shop had opened in relation to my business so I said I was gonna go and check it out and go for lunch with DH as he had a day off. She said " it's alright for some not having to work and being able to swan about all day"

It's honestly constant with these remarks and I find I'm getting embarrassed in front of the other mums. I was so upset this week it's getting to me so much that I'm finding myself looking for a job as I feel worthless. My DH is mad as we have spoken about this a lot and in order for me to work I will need a car as we live rural. And keeps reminding me what is the point as I will be on a low wage as I've never had a skilled job.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off?
How should I handle these comments?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 27/09/2015 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenfolder · 27/09/2015 14:38

You need to develop a thicker skin tbh. The other mums will judge her for them so she is doing herself no favours at all.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/09/2015 14:40

Just ignore her. Why do you care what she thinks?

Every time she makes a comment just repeat it back to her slowly with a quizzical look "swan about all day?". Possibly add a "wow, that sounded quite rude!" Like she's made a joke that has gone badly wrong.

Or just say "it's hardly swanning about when it's work" in a dismissive way.

But don't evaluate your personal happiness and self worth against her imaginary yard stick. Use your own.

Autumnnights1 · 27/09/2015 14:40

You're post is almost word perfect so I'd not really worry about it.

liquoricetwirl · 27/09/2015 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everstrong · 27/09/2015 14:43

So it's pretty clear that this woman isn't a friend of yours anymore, no friend would behave in the way that she is behaving.

You aren't worthless- you are a wife, mother and businesswoman to name just a few. So what if your business provides pocket money?! It doesn't have to land you millions, you enjoy it and your DH is happy with things as they are so why change it because of one jealous person?

I do know how you feel, I have a DH with a well paid job and I work part time. I get a lot of comments about the fact I am a "slacker who is only here 3 days a week" from colleagues at work. I don't sit on my arse all day- I look after DD when I am not at work but the crux of it is, even if I was sitting around in my pyjamas all day watching TV it is nobodies business but me own! I don't work full time because I have long term mental health issues that don't respond well to stress.

I've found the best way to respond is to be direct and just say "Jealousy is a horrible thing" or "Yes aren't I so lucky?!" In a very over the top way. That generally shuts them up.

DisappointedOne · 27/09/2015 14:44

If you want to speak to her, tell her that you know that she's struggled to adjust to her new lifestyle, but that it doesn't mean she has the right to be a bitch. Unless she can stop with the sarky comments you'll be going for very limited contact with her.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/09/2015 14:44

I know Im so lucky!` ... job done. Seriously, buy the sounds of it, she could be annoyed at a few people, so ignore FB its a PITA.

Zippidydoodah · 27/09/2015 14:46

Ah, don't let this shit get to you. She's bitter (understandably, maybe?) but it's not your fault! Just smile and agree. Don't rise to it and don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone. Absolutely, certainly don't feel worthless or try and find a job!! That's madness if you and your dh are happy with the way things are!

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2015 14:47

You've found yourself looking for a job just because of her comments?

Seriously, your skin sounds thinner than a Rizla.

You'll need to toughen up or just ignore.

Lindy2 · 27/09/2015 14:52

She's just bitter. I would suggest you continue to distance yourself. Alternatively, every time she asks what you are doing that day list off a range of fantastic things that she will be really jealous of.
Seriously though if you want a job then fine. If you want to remain as you are then that's fine too. It is absolutely nothing to do with her.
It sounds to me like you made some well thought out financial planning decisions with your properties and have sensibly chosen to live within your means. She has not so is in a different financial position to you.

customercare · 27/09/2015 14:52

Just say 'Aren't i the lucky one'. that should shut her up for a while.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/09/2015 14:53

I don't understand why you are letting her get to you so much. She's had a hard time and felt you could have alleviated it by renting her a property but you chose not to - she's hardly going to continue to see you as a friend but surely you were aware of that when you said 'no' to renting her your flat?

tbc I'm not saying you should have put a tenant out to put her in. I think you did the sensible thing with regards to the flat but you have to put your big girl pants on and realise that decision had repercussions.

None of the other mums will care about her comments.

specialsubject · 27/09/2015 14:59

so she wanted you to evict your current tenants (even if you could) for her to move in?

it doesn't work like that.

never rent to anyone you know socially. Or anti-socially. As for the bleating and whining, the words 'when I want your opinion I will ask for it' spring to mind. Then walk off.

the issue of your job is entirely separate. Since when did a bitchy female dictate how you run your life?

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2015 15:00

Why don't you say, "You weren't saying that when you weren't working, were you?"

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 27/09/2015 15:01

Well she didn't work at one point so you're pretty equal.

I'd be more mad with your DH who seems to not want you to work and believes you can't have a career.

YouTheCat · 27/09/2015 15:01

She sounds like she has a shocking sense of entitlement. Who the fuck expects someone to turf out a long term tenant for a start? That's just nasty.

Ignore her as much as humanly possible.

miaowroar · 27/09/2015 15:05

I have had to work full time most of my life and my XH left too and yes, I have been jealous of SAHMs but I have always considered that to be my problem, not theirs and have tried to hard my tongue when they talk about their days/lifestyle. It's not their fault I have to work.

I think it is true that what she says to you reflects worse upon her than upon you, and expecting you to evict good tenants in order to accommodate her is very unreasonable - what sort of landlady would you be if you did that? How would she like it if someone did that to her?

Roussette · 27/09/2015 15:06

I'd be tempted to say... "well, maybe you should've been more careful with your money when you had it. "

miaowroar · 27/09/2015 15:06

Sorry - that should be "tried to guard my tongue" (not hard - doh!)

emotionsecho · 27/09/2015 15:07

Yes you need to toughen up, OP, you are happy with your life the way it is, your dh and dc are happy with life the way it is. Your dh has pointed out that you going out to work would be economically daft.

When she makes comments i would be tempted to say something along the lines of "Oh is that how you passed the time when you were a SAHM, you shouldn't judge others by your own standards." To be said with a disarming smile.

Perhaps you should have said to her about the BTL properties that for legal reasons you could not change the current tenants even though you would have liked to have helped her.

If/when your current tenants leave DO NOT rent the property to her she would be a nightmare tenant.

Hold your head high, get on with living your own life the way that best suits you and makes you and your family happy, her and her issues with that are entirely irrelevant.

laffymeal · 27/09/2015 15:08

Say "hmmm being rude to your prospective future landlord isn't the smartest thing to do."

IguanaTail · 27/09/2015 15:11

Just smile and say "Aren't I lucky?"

That's it. Don't let her get under your skin, she's just jealous.

Original poster
scoobydoobysnacks · 27/09/2015 15:13

Even if my tenants did give notice and leave I would not allow her or anyone else I knew to rent from us. No way in hell would I, as it's just opening the flood gates to excuses and non paying rent.

I do believe some of you are correct and I do need to develop thicker skin. I am not that confident as a person and do struggle with my own self worth!

It's been going on quite a while and it has been getting to me, I found myself almost to the point of tears in the week. I looked around to the other mums and they all just looked at me, no one stood up for me and it made me quite upset. It almost took me back to being bullied at school.

OP posts:
Groovee · 27/09/2015 15:15

You are seeing her true colours. Try to ignore her or turn the rudeness back on to her.