AIBU to feel hurt and worthless by this mums constant comments

[scoobydoobysnacks]

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I am slightly dyslexic and my phone like to auto correct the wrong spelling to make me appear even more so!

I don't really know how to Handle these comments I've been getting by a mum at the school.

So not to drip feed I will tell you the background for clarity. Sorry it's long winded

My dh works full time in a (to us) well paid job. We have always had low paying jobs so to us his new job is well paid with unlimited overtime that is double pay that he does occasionally here and there on average 12 hours a week on top of his full time job. He enjoys his job and he sees it as extra money for treats.

I have two buy to let properties and make a small amount of profit each month. So with that and my husbands wage we earn enough to pay our bills.
I also run a tiny business from home, it is more of a hobby and it really doesn't pay well at all. Just something to keep me busy.

Now there is a mum at the school we were at one point very close friends as our DCs were best friends. Her DH has left her they are now divorced and it was all very sad. She struggled to cope mentally as he up and left her one day for a younger OW. She had always been a kept woman as her DH is in a amazing job. She also used to run a small business from home that she enjoyed. On the outside they seemed very well off had a big house new cars nice things but there big house was funded by a interest only mortgage so all the income was going on nice things rather than into the house.
She didn't realize the seriousness of it all until she got a valuation of the house done as she couldn't afford the mortgage and bills. They were in negative equity and financially in trouble. So she had to quit her home business and is now in full time employment. She has now become a rather bitter person.

The friendship has died down a bit recently and I have distanced myself a bit due to nasty comments on FB about knowing who your friends are. This was aimed at me when she approached me about renting one of the buy to let's. She asked how much rent I was getting. Both of my properties I rent out quite cheaply as they were bought as do uppers. I have done them up myself not to a amazing standard but enough to rent out with the potential to fix them up as and when to a high standard and get a very high rent. At the moment there doing fine and I haven't got the money to do this. Both sets of tenants are great and until they give notice I have no plans to do this. This advice was given from the estate agent.
As the rent is quite low my friend asked if her and her DCs could move in. I basically said I already have great tenants and if the property became available I would let her know.

So the friendship has become a bit distant. However I see her everyday at school and we make conversation. Every single day without fail she will find a way of dropping into the conversation about me not working and nasty little digs at me.

Last week one morning I was yawning a bit due to sick dog keeping me awake most of the night so she said "well it doesn't matter as it's not like you do anything all day"

Another mum asked if I had any plans one day and I said a new shop had opened in relation to my business so I said I was gonna go and check it out and go for lunch with DH as he had a day off. She said " it's alright for some not having to work and being able to swan about all day"

It's honestly constant with these remarks and I find I'm getting embarrassed in front of the other mums. I was so upset this week it's getting to me so much that I'm finding myself looking for a job as I feel worthless. My DH is mad as we have spoken about this a lot and in order for me to work I will need a car as we live rural. And keeps reminding me what is the point as I will be on a low wage as I've never had a skilled job.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off?
How should I handle these comments?

I wouldn't use a cruel put down on her. You could try changing the subject when she makes a sarcastic comment like enough about me how are you handling things at the moment ?

Keep away or just grin and nod, say yeah, yeah.

She's looking for a reaction and it's working.

I think if your life, as it is, is making you happy, then that is all that matters. As you said you and DH are paying the bills and living comfortably, everything else is just a bonus. We all have different values and ideals. For some this may be having success and a good job for others it might be more simple things like being able to take your children to school and pick them up, yourself. There is no right or wrong, just what is right for you and your family. As it happens you are not doing nothing anyway, you have the buy to rent properties and your little business you run from home.
She sounds insecure and jealous and like she is going through a hard time. Tough as that may be she has no right to make anyone else feel bad. Sometimes a little bit of assertiveness can put a stop to the arsey comments, she'd probably get the shock of her life

i agree with the previous posters. Just say Yeah aren't I lucky, might have my nails done too. She is just jealous. Shes the one who looks like an idiot not you

I find her solution to her problem pretty damned chilling, and that would make me think a lot worse of her as a person. Untrustworthy, too, what with her approach to what you can do for her, her lashing out at the wrong person because of what her husband did to her, and her reaction to your not agreeing to her scheme...

A shame she turned out not to be a good friend, but now that she's shown these colours, you'd be better off NOT taking her words to heart!

That's really sad.
I'm Sure to a lot of the mums on the school run I must seem lazy too.
I have 2 school age DC and I only work at the weekends (dh has to work away sometimes at short notice)
Of course what they don't see are the trips to a and e and not getting in til 4am and then up at 7 for the school run.
My mum and sister are both ill and have complicated health issues. My dad died 2 years ago. I am my mothers main carer.
I'm sure if they saw me having a coffee in my local cafe they would think I live the life of Riley.
Of course in realty I am just trying to stay awake til 8pm.
Just ignore.
Please don't let it upset you.
You know your reality.
That's all that matters.

I'm sorry, but did you refer to this woman as a 'kept woman' in your OP? That's a pretty disgusting phrase to use about anyone, which dies make me wonder if there's another side to this. I assume she has DC so she was, in fact, a SAHM?

My sister is like this. I just agree with her. "Alright for some only working 10 hours a week!" "I know, my life is brilliant!"

"I guess it's easy for you to wait in for a delivery seeing as you only work 2 days a week!" "Yes, makes life so much easier!"

"Some of us have to work tomorrow!" "Ha, yes, poor you! I'll have another drink, tomorrow is my day off!"

It's your life. Own it!

Well, repeating what you already have said yourself OP - Do not rent to her, it will end badly. Also, what was she thinking when she asked you, did she seriously expect your to evict your current tenants for her? Bizarre!

As for getting back up from other school mums, they are probably trying to stay out of it. I guarantee you that they are aware of her bitterness and unreasonableness, I wouldn't worry that her comments are making them think any less of you. You sound like you have a good life, enjoy it! :)

I agree, don't inflame the situation. Just smile, say "Yes, I am very lucky" and leave it. There's not much she can reasonably say in response to that as she wants a fight and your simply reply won't give her the excuse she's looking for.

Also, other people will notice what she says to you, they know she's giving those digs. They won't respond to her themselves as they probably don't want to get involved, not because they don't like you, but because they don't know if anything extra has happened between you both.

When they see you respond nicely they will think more highly of you. That isn't something you need to be desperately concerned about, but it's nice to know that such a simple behaviour from you will act very much in your favour.

I do feel a bit sorry for her. She is in a very dark place. Perhaps if you can stay gentle with her, you will eventually become friends again when she's pulled herself out of her pit.

I was just wondering as well that she may be completely unaware that she is being offensive to you, she may just think she is being funny. Unfortunately it is at your expense in front of other people and you don't find it funny. A mum from school is like this with me, and I rarely know what to say back to her, but the more she says it, the more I remind myself that is about her, not about me. I've backed away from her and I feel happier with some distance between us. I agree with others though, it is no one else's responsibility to stick up for you, you are an adult and it is up to you alone I'm afraid op.

yanbu on the FO part.

It sounds like you were jealous of what she had before and now she is jealous of you. To be honest I would have a quiet word to one side and just say you find it hurtful and would like it to stop but you are still here for her if she wants to talk or needs a bit of support. No need to tell her to f off as things are probably hard enough already.

I don't think you're blameless, OP. You're the one who remarked in her OP that this friend had 'always been a kept woman', which is pretty bitchy. You also sound as if you all know an incredible amount about one another's finances.

Also, I'm genuinely not getting the 'husband earns a lot therefore wife doesn't work' premise. I'm sure hats the case for some, but it's hardly a general rule. I'd work whether or not my husband featured on the annual Rich List.

Also, the logic of 'there's no point in me working because my husband says I'd get a minimum wage job' doesn't work. Why not expand your business, or renovate your properties, rent them at market rate and use the money to retrain, if you want to? It's just that your post keeps emphasising that your two properties don't bring in much, and your business is just a hobby. It's like you're trying to make yourself sound unthreatening...

As previous posters have said, just think of a few all purpose retorts. The fact they're at the school gates means the other mums don't work standard 9 - 5 jobs either, so she's probably pissing quite a few of them off too with her anti-SAHM comments.

a kept woman? Seriously, that's how you refer to a SAHM? All SAHMs or just her?

I don't have any sympathy for how she's behaving with her snide comments, but it's hard to have sympathy for you either, using that phrase.

She's had a massive life change, has probably a million and one money worries and is stressed to the eyeballs. In her position, it's possible she's losing sleep and having a really really shit time. Not only had she lost her husband and had her family break down, she's lost her financial security and the business she loved doing. Now probably working in a job she doesn't like just to make ends meet.

You don't know that the FB stuff is directed at you. You've not talked to her about it, just assumed.

Have you asked her how things are doing? Offered a shoulder and a cup of tea?

You say yourself you were close friends, but I can't hear anything you've done to help support her. Have you considered that it's you who is feeling awkward about saying no to renting, so are reading stuff into what she's saying?

Perhaps the "knowing who your friends are" line is because when her life was OK she had a good friend and now you're distant.

Just a thought.

presumably 'always been a kept woman' could mean this woman had never worked even before she had children and had always relied on her husband for her income/status etc. sounds like she wasn't even aware of the mortgage status till after the marriage broke down.

OP just smile and nod or ignore or say, 'can't complain'. schoolgate is a hellzone or can be.

she is making herself look bitter and rude. why change your life if it is suiting you and your family? certainly not because of one bitter woman's comments surely? you have a long term plan with the properties and presumably are enjoying your business and being able to do the school run and pick up the slack created at home and with the kids due to your husband's longer hours. if he's happy with it and you are and the kids are that's your only concern.

She sounds like she is in crisis - in terms of her job, finances and mental health. She probably looks at you and sees something who has the life that she would love to have, and is jealous. (People, especially those in crisis, often see things very much from the outside and don't realise the battles that are fought in private). Going from being a stay-at-home Mum to having to work because of a separation/divorce is very traumatic. She sounds like she's struggling with it.

I would ignore the comments, smile and be kind. Perhaps use them as a way of opening a conversation about how she's doing. And definitely keep her in mind if a property comes available, or if there's anything else you can do. Sometimes the smallest things can make such a difference to those who are really suffering.

Why on earth would you allow someone else's warped thinking to make you feel worthless?
You don't have to justify your life and how you have (sensibly) organised it to her!

Her comments sound like a cue for 'Did you mean to sound so rude?'

Honestly, anyone else who hears her will know it is her, not you.

As others have said, you need to develop a thicker skin and just ignore. She is just jealous.
You did the right thing to not rent a property to her as she will feel entitled to be in arrears or not pay the rent whenever she feels like it. It would end in tears. Never do business with friends or family.

Just ignore her, and don't worry about the other mums, she's making herself look silly, not you. Alternatively could you make a joke out of it, to try and diffuse it in a lighthearted way? I can't think of exactly what you would say though...something like, "yeah, the servants are cleaning the mansion today so I'm off for a day out on the family yacht".

"A kept woman"? People still use that phrase?

"Why on earth would you allow someone else's warped thinking to make you feel worthless?"

In my experience, Blu, words are insidious - they get inside your head and niggle away at you. If you happen to be someone who is naturally a bit of a worrier or anxious, or somewhat lacking in self esteem, it is very easy for those niggles to take hold, and gang up with each other, to chip away at what confidence and self esteem you do have - and it becomes a vicious, downward spiral.

I don't think you see it happening at first - and by the time you do, the negative thought patterns are well established, and much harder to get rid of - it's like a snowball rolling down a mountainside - if you can catch it early on, it is easy to stop, but the further it goes, the bigger it gets, and the harder it is to stop it - until it becomes an avalanche.

Which is not to say that it is impossible to stop the snowball effect of anxiety and negative thoughts - as I said in an earlier post, it is possible, but it takes hard work and lots of practice. My therapist explained it to me this way - she said I have put lots of work into listening to the negative thoughts, and believing them, and now I need to put the work into thinking positively and believing I am worthwhile. And it is very hard to start with, but it does get easier, as the snowball effect works with the positive thoughts.