AIBU to feel hurt and worthless by this mums constant comments

[scoobydoobysnacks]

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I am slightly dyslexic and my phone like to auto correct the wrong spelling to make me appear even more so!

I don't really know how to Handle these comments I've been getting by a mum at the school.

So not to drip feed I will tell you the background for clarity. Sorry it's long winded

My dh works full time in a (to us) well paid job. We have always had low paying jobs so to us his new job is well paid with unlimited overtime that is double pay that he does occasionally here and there on average 12 hours a week on top of his full time job. He enjoys his job and he sees it as extra money for treats.

I have two buy to let properties and make a small amount of profit each month. So with that and my husbands wage we earn enough to pay our bills.
I also run a tiny business from home, it is more of a hobby and it really doesn't pay well at all. Just something to keep me busy.

Now there is a mum at the school we were at one point very close friends as our DCs were best friends. Her DH has left her they are now divorced and it was all very sad. She struggled to cope mentally as he up and left her one day for a younger OW. She had always been a kept woman as her DH is in a amazing job. She also used to run a small business from home that she enjoyed. On the outside they seemed very well off had a big house new cars nice things but there big house was funded by a interest only mortgage so all the income was going on nice things rather than into the house.
She didn't realize the seriousness of it all until she got a valuation of the house done as she couldn't afford the mortgage and bills. They were in negative equity and financially in trouble. So she had to quit her home business and is now in full time employment. She has now become a rather bitter person.

The friendship has died down a bit recently and I have distanced myself a bit due to nasty comments on FB about knowing who your friends are. This was aimed at me when she approached me about renting one of the buy to let's. She asked how much rent I was getting. Both of my properties I rent out quite cheaply as they were bought as do uppers. I have done them up myself not to a amazing standard but enough to rent out with the potential to fix them up as and when to a high standard and get a very high rent. At the moment there doing fine and I haven't got the money to do this. Both sets of tenants are great and until they give notice I have no plans to do this. This advice was given from the estate agent.
As the rent is quite low my friend asked if her and her DCs could move in. I basically said I already have great tenants and if the property became available I would let her know.

So the friendship has become a bit distant. However I see her everyday at school and we make conversation. Every single day without fail she will find a way of dropping into the conversation about me not working and nasty little digs at me.

Last week one morning I was yawning a bit due to sick dog keeping me awake most of the night so she said "well it doesn't matter as it's not like you do anything all day"

Another mum asked if I had any plans one day and I said a new shop had opened in relation to my business so I said I was gonna go and check it out and go for lunch with DH as he had a day off. She said " it's alright for some not having to work and being able to swan about all day"

It's honestly constant with these remarks and I find I'm getting embarrassed in front of the other mums. I was so upset this week it's getting to me so much that I'm finding myself looking for a job as I feel worthless. My DH is mad as we have spoken about this a lot and in order for me to work I will need a car as we live rural. And keeps reminding me what is the point as I will be on a low wage as I've never had a skilled job.

AIBU to tell her to fuck off?
How should I handle these comments?

You need to distance yourself from her for now but also question, why does your sense of self worth depends so much on what she thinks??

Absolutely do not let her rent your place. It would be incredibly awkward, as scooby correctly explains.

The school run can be unpleasant. Don't get involved, leave pick up and drop off to the very last minute and don't get involved with playground crap.

It's not up to another adult to stand up for you because that's what you should be doing. She is just one person with stupid remarks. When she says this stuff confront her there and then. You really do need a thicker skin, as you should be dealing with these things not expecting others to.

Memorise and rehearse some comments in your head and then say them, but deliver them with a smile it will knock her off balance and make her look the fool.

Sorry the others didn't stand up for you but people rarely get involved particularly as it is deemed 'school gate stuff'.

Be polite and civil, don't get upset, don't get into a stand up row, don't give it another thought leave it a the school gate where it belongs, go home and carry on with the life you are enjoying.

Tbf the other mothers aren't obliged to stand up for you. And she is doing it in such a way that if someone called her out on it she would say she wasn't being nasty.

If you want someone to stand up for you, it's needs to be you. Either don't talk to her or actually reply.

'It's not like you have anything to do all day'

'Actually yes I do, I have a full day of work' or even 'actually I do. Daytime TV won't watch itself'

I work from home and go to the gym straight after school drop off and an there at pick up time. Plenty of mums talk about me being lucky to not have a job. I work 70 hours a week. I just don't work 9-5pm. Some know what I do, some don't.

I don't care nor do I expect another parent to tell them that I do work.

There was no need to stand up for you.

She's making sly little digs but hardly bullying you.

Why would you expect other adults to get involved?

Toughen up. She's having a shit time of it. That's not an excuse for bad behaviour but you don't even have to speak to her so ignore her.

You know what you do, you don't need to justify yourself though you could if you wanted to.

Basically, fuck her!

Since she thought that you would prop her up , if you do rent to her ,you'll be asking for more of the same. BTW i was sole support for 3 cc , got no welfare benefits , no maintenance, had no family in a foreign country and did not expect to lean on others. I was disappointed that couple friends pulled away from me immediately but suspect that they felt safer doing so-you know divorce is 'contagious' . Life is a hard teacher and we have to deal with it. As far as your own sit is concerned just in case life gives you a backhander, it's good to have a foot in the working world. Better to say nothing to her ;maybe shake you head and smile -or not.

Are the other mothers working? How come they all have so much time to hang around chatting about crap?

I might laugh, and say "I know! And after that I might just have a nap"

Or something dismissive and say something misogonistic like "A woman's work is never done"

If I was a school gate mum I would have been standing there thinking "shit, that's awkward. X is being a bit of a bitch", but as another adult I would not want to undermine you, or make things worse/more awkward for you by commenting on her bitchiness. I would assume you were capable of deciding how to deal with it. Don't make the fact people aren't "sticking up for you" into a negative. Unless you ask someone to explicitly (which I really would not in this case) they are going to leave you to it.

The only person coming off looking bad - ad in bitter and bitchy - in this is your supposed friend. I would do one of two things:

1. Next time it happens take her aside privately and say "I know you're having a hard time but I've noticed you seem to be making digs at me lately and it hurts. I'd like to be your friend but it's making it difficult". It's likely this'll blow up into her ranting about how shit her life is and it's alright for you, yada yada, in which case nod, say "mmm, yes it's really tough at the moment isn't it?" and make excuses to leave for a work meeting!

2. Smile and wave but briskly drop and leave. Reply to any snide comments with "yes, it's nice to have some flexibility" before making an exit.

Stop giving this any power. You have a good life, enjoy it. Keep this in it's proper place. This isn't about your 'friend' really but your own self esteem.

I'd say, "Do you realise how nasty that sounded? Was it accidental or deliberate?" And do this > face at her.

I know what it is like to take on board other people's opinions, and to let them hurt you - and I know how hard it can be to change that mindset, but you need to keep telling yourself that you are just as valuable and worthy as anyone else, and that the intrusive thoughts telling you that you aren't, are wrong.

It takes practice, but it is possible. When you get that 'I am not worthy' thought, take a few deep breaths, focussing just in the breathing, nothing else, and then put a different, less hurtful thought in its place - 'I am a unique individual, I work hard for my family and I deserve respect!'

Do this every time - acknowledge the hurt caused by the negative thought, deep breaths, set the negative thought aside and replace it with something positive, and even though until be hard at first, it does get easier, I promise!

I'd keep my distance. This time of year is perfect for that as you can just fake a cold.

"She's had a hard time and felt you could have alleviated it by renting her a property but you chose not to "

I don't think renting to her was in any way a realistic choice since it would have involved evicting good tenants. Anybody who expects someone else to be made homeless for their own benefit goes way down in my estimation.

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

You are quite right. She is bitter and there's nothing you can do about it. The other mothers will realise that as well. If you are happy with what you are doing with your life then keep doing it.

love the assumption that the OP can just evict her current tenants 'like that'.

there may be a trivial thing called a fixed term tenancy. With that, tenants can only be evicted for breaching the tenancy, not because the landlord feels like it.

and it would clearly be nuts to rent to this woman anyway.

It's jealousy OP, from a bitter and twisted woman. I bet she was a bully at school. You need some snappy comebacks like the ones suggested on this thread! She's not expecting any response from you so you need to shock her by calling her out on it. DO NOT let anyone make you feel like this!

Another ignore her and don't worry about it.

People soon get very fed up listening to someone moaning on about how her problems are everyone else's fault, and she will end up being marginalised.

I'm not making excuses for her but it seems to me that she's jealous. It's only natural, op. She must be thinking the more you seem to go up the more she seems to come down. I'm mean do you rub your husbands well paid job and happy marriage in her face. If so I can't abide gloating myself.

Aside from the fact that it is ridiculous to evict good tenants in favour of someone you know, she is being nasty to you. However, you cannot expect other people in the playground to stand up for you in these circs. If I witnessed this between 2 other mums, I've been in playgrounds long enough to know that getting involved is a huge mistake, so I'd just keep quiet and get away ASAP. She's embarrassing herself with her own behaviour. You have to ignore it. You determine your own set up to suit your own family and get on with it - nobody else's business. I cannot imagine looking for a job because a random mum in the playground disapproved of my current setup! There is a mum who disapproves of my setup actually, I stay away from her as much as possible.

Additionally, if Facebook stuff is upsetting you, you need to delete your account. Do you really need it? It's just a method for bullies like this woman to bully you whilst you are in your own private home IMO. I cannot understand why anyone uses Facebook, it is the work of the devil IMO. I know that makes me sound about 80 but actually I am half a century younger than that.

To be honest I'd just ignore her. She's bitter about having these things taken away from her and is likely taking it out on any -not just you- person who she thinks has it easier or what she used to. She's proably alienating peopel left right centre.

In relation to the comment on DH taking a day I'd have just said "Well DH supports my work and has annual leave to use." Shuts her down.

I'd also use as someone said about her doing that all day, she shouldn't judge other people by how she used to act.

And you can't expect them to stand up for you. They may agree with her and have judged her like that too previously, or be embarrassed or think you can handle yourself, or not want to piss her off!

You're the one who has to set the standard. Stand up for yourself and your choices.

I used to think she was the woman who had it all, good looks, a good marriage, nice house and car.

To the poster asking if I flaunt my husbands wage and marriage in her face. Uh no, no way as for 1 it's really not a great wage, to us it is as he was previously on about £16k. It's enough for us to pay our mortgage food and bills but we live a simple life and we do budget and look after the pennies. I mainly buy clothes nearly new off ebay so no I don't.
And your assuming I have a happy marriage, I'm not saying I don't now but it's not great as I don't see my husband that much due to unsociable hours and we have had our issues. (Came close to divorce, and the "friend" knows this)

I used to think she was the woman who had it all, good looks, a good marriage, nice house and car

And she knows this and she knows she's lost all this status. I think just pity her, smile and nod, and then go about your business. She may one day realise she's being unreasonable. Her bitterness is understandable - the way she's expressing it is not.

I think the 'friend' is jealous and not worth getting upset over. I also think that it is well worth you looking for work or looking at improving your earning potential.