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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you can have a perfectly happy life as a single person

79 replies

parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 09:06

I don't want to derail another thread, but this is not a thread about a thread as such, though of course I am thinking about it as my basis for this one.

If your spouse or partner died or left you, and you happened to find someone who you wanted to share your life with, I think that's wonderful and I am fully supportive.

However the flipside to this appears to be that the alternative is misery - 'I wanted to find happiness again/I don't want to be in the grave with him/her/I want to live my life to the full.'

If you don't happen to meet someone else you want to spend your life with or have no interest in meeting someone - does this equate in people's minds to unhappiness for the rest of their lives?

Interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
MinecraftWonder · 27/09/2015 09:12

Of course some people can - I know many that do.

Others, can't and will always be looking/hoping to find a partner. And would probably feel unfulfilled if they don't. It's very much down to individual personality I suppose.

Oysterbabe · 27/09/2015 09:13

For me I would be less happy if I was alone. Whilst I had a full life and plenty of friends while single and was happy, I'm happier having someone to share my life with.
So no I wouldn't be unhappy and miserable but would be less happy.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 09:14

Yes you can. But I think (for me) wanting to be with somebody comes and goes in waves. AT the moment I want to find somebody but I'm not terribly lonely. It's like job-hunting! The loneliness I feel is occasional, brief, abstract for the future, not intense - compared to the agonising desperate loneliness I felt when I was with my x (kids father).

I could have another relationship, no issues, confident, happy, not too selfless or selfish! but ........ there's no overlap between the men I'd find attractive and the men who'd go out with me.

Society is structured around couples unfortunately. This makes being single harder than it should be, in 2015, it does shock me how conservative some people are.

Twickerhun · 27/09/2015 09:26

You can be completely happy by yourself. I think it's a different form of happiness somehow.
Historically society has told us we are only happy and successful of married, but that narrative is changing,

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 09:34

I'm not sure that it is.

I think the emphasis has moved away from staying married but once one has ended the focus appears to be finding someone else as soon as possible, as if single is an unhappy state rather than just not in a relationship!

OP posts:
EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 27/09/2015 09:34

Of course you can. I'm the happiest I've ever been after splitting with my ex and have no desire at all to get back into a relationship. Best social life i've had in years, chance to focus on my career and life is actually exciting again.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 09:37

Yes, the focus is on finding somebody else! Friends have said to me that if they were single they'd find somebody else. Confused They think it's easy!!!

They haven't been on line and seen the line up of much older, much fatter, scruffily dressed weirdos whose opening line is ''wanna go camping this weekend or are you like the rest of the boring nuns on here?''.

And that at least gave me a LAUGH.

Muckogy · 27/09/2015 09:41

its probably worth bearing in mind that some of us never managed to meet anyone in the first place and have spent 99% or more of our lives single.
there are a lot of lifetime singles out there who are simply making the best of things and getting on with it.
so yes, i think you can have a happy life as a single person, whatever your past circumstances.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 09:41

Twickerhun, I think to be happy single you have to be content in yourself and have a secure sense of your identity. That can be hard when society is sending you a message that you're odd, or (if you're on benefits with small kids) that you're a drain on society. That contributed to what made me happy in the early days of being single. Feeling JUDGED rather than being alone.

Grazia1984 · 27/09/2015 09:43

There was a recent study on this - some people are genuinely happier without the conflict a relationship tends to bring. It depends what your basic personality is. I was married for 20 years and have dated since. I am happier currently than ever (and not currently in a relationship) so that recent study definitely brought it home to me that many of us are happier without a relationship particularly once you have had your children. I think when you have children it's very useful to have man around to help

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 27/09/2015 09:43

I think so. I spent most of my life alone bad it was fine. Now I have a family and I also really like that. I know I would be absolutely fine being alone again in the future when the kids leave home and if something happened to DP. Sometimes being a bit of a loner by nature is a good thing!!

Grazia1984 · 27/09/2015 09:43

The recent BBC series www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06dpxgx/the-ascent-of-woman-4-revolution described a good few women leaders over the last thousand years who were more than happy alone, not least Elizabeth I.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 27/09/2015 09:44

Social pressure to be in a couple can be extreme. I'm single with no kids after getting divorced and then getting myself into an EA relationship which left me very damaged. I've done a lot of therapy since then! Sadly I'm also estranged from my family.

I have friends who I know I can call on if I need help and I do my best to have an interesting and full life, but sometimes it gets tiring always being the odd one out at events!

I would be very wary now of getting involved with a man because of the compromises involved.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 09:45

Very true. A relationship is a constant negotiation, or an effort not to give too much..........

I think the odd date would be enough for me but I'm having difficulty having even that! But I'd say if I could have one date a month with a man who was good company (even if not relationship material) then it would meet a big social need.

He doesn't have to be ON my sofa, looking at me, asking me what's for dinner, clutching the remote control, his underpants in the washing machine, him having forgotten about them........ assuming I'd be delighted to hang them out for him!

BlowOnMySackbutt · 27/09/2015 09:48

My xh left 5 and a half years ago and I'm very happily single. I ought to add that he's my second xh and that I married him two years after divorce #1. Xh #2 and I were married for 14 years.
I can't see that I'll ever be with anyone else now. I love how things are and don't feel there's anything missing however I can understand how some people need the things I'm not missing, iyswim.

MillionToOneChances · 27/09/2015 09:52

I was in a relationship for 13 years and I think the only things I really miss are the sense of having my whole life mapped out with a likeminded person and the luxury for my children of having their whole family together, not being passed from one parent to the other. After we finally split I realised just how much I had compromised my own feelings and personality to try to make that relationship work.

There are definitely happy relationships, and if I end up in one that would be nice, but I'm perfectly happy alone. Except that I miss my children if I'm at home when they're at their dad's, though that's no bad thing as it gives me a kick to go out and do fun grownup stuff. Holidays alone aren't as nice as holidays with children or friends or partners, but they're still pretty bloody brilliant and I met some really interesting people this year.

ghostyslovesheep · 27/09/2015 09:52

I am happily single - ex walked out 5.5 years ago - he left for another woman - I have no desire to be in a relationship - I love being single

He on the other hand is now stuck in a relationship that makes him miserable!

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 09:53

So often the way!

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 09:55

Holidays are difficult.

I realise that people encourage you to go alone but I wouldn't enjoy it. (I have tried.)

OP posts:
ketchupontoast · 27/09/2015 09:55

I love being single and find being in a relationship hard. I am fiercely independent and this contributes to it. However, I always challenge ppl when they use the 'happy' line. One of my friends said she wanted me to find someone because she wanted me to be happy. I told her she can see that already and that I don't need someone else to make me happy as I already am. Life as a single person is different but many ppl live life unhappy in a relationship. I say each person can decide if they are happier in or out of a relationship and that it is not for society to place how they feel on everyone else.

BlueJug · 27/09/2015 10:01

I was happier when I was single. I am not unhappy now but it was easier then.
My mother has been a widow for fifteen years and although she felt the loss of my dad it was for her the first time she had ever lived alone and been able to choose what to eat, when to go out, when to come home. She joined a choir and a gardening club, she saw her friends, she went to the theatre and concerts and went out for lunches with her friends. She was I believe, happier and more fulfilled than she had ever been.

lljkk · 27/09/2015 10:08

Most people miss sex, let's face that. The rest can be great :).

Fratelli · 27/09/2015 10:13

It depends what kind of person you are. I'm quite a relationshipy person (yes that is a word). But I know plenty of people who love being single. They go on holidays etc alone and love it as they enjoy their own company!

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 10:13

i find the less I have sex, the less I want it.

OP posts:
suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 10:18

Very true. A relationship is a constant negotiation, or an effort not to give too much certainly often felt that way!