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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can have a perfectly happy life as a single person

79 replies

parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 09:06

I don't want to derail another thread, but this is not a thread about a thread as such, though of course I am thinking about it as my basis for this one.

If your spouse or partner died or left you, and you happened to find someone who you wanted to share your life with, I think that's wonderful and I am fully supportive.

However the flipside to this appears to be that the alternative is misery - 'I wanted to find happiness again/I don't want to be in the grave with him/her/I want to live my life to the full.'

If you don't happen to meet someone else you want to spend your life with or have no interest in meeting someone - does this equate in people's minds to unhappiness for the rest of their lives?

Interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 27/09/2015 11:42

I don't think it is - it is now you've made it so. I felt it was best to start a new thread due to people complaining about arguments on he other one.

No. I haven't 'made it so'. I saw this thread earlier and deliberately didn't comment because I didn't want to derail it.

But your post at 10.40 was quoting what you felt people had said on that thread. Since it wasn't what most people intended to say on that thread- and since they clarified that to you - I felt that it was appropriate to comment.

If you start quoting what has been said on other threads it does rather become a TAAT.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 11:45

Actually, it's interesting you say that as I didn't. I quoted what people have said to me.

It does rather show what societal attitudes are towards those on their own are, doesn't it?

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 27/09/2015 11:48

Sorry. I was referring to your post:

It isn't, because I was surprised at the number of people who saw being single for the remainder of their life as The Very Worst Thing They Wouldn't Wish On Anyone.

Since you said you were posting thinking about a previous thread, I understood 'people who saw' as meaning people on that thread.

If you meant "I have been surprised at the number of friends and acquaintances who see" then I am very sorry for the misunderstanding.

AndDeepBreath · 27/09/2015 11:49

I think you were feeling judged and have started a TAAT. The irony is that I don't think people were judging you but you are judging us.

Also why on earth would being a single mum automatically attract an abuser?! Not true for my friend who remarried after losing her first DH (I think)...

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 11:53

Goodness I'm not judging anyone! Didn't I say that i was supportive?

You've misunderstood my post. I think anyone - children or not, man or woman, who 'can't be alone' will attract an abusive relationship.

Libraries, then we have misunderstood each other :)

OP posts:
PestoSwimissimos · 27/09/2015 11:55

Yanbu.

Some people positively thrive as a single person and do not feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of it.

MamaLazarou · 27/09/2015 11:59

You're very judgmental, parrotsummer.

I don't think being happier in a relationship means someone needs to 'work on themself'. What a strange thing to say.

I prefer to be in a happy, loving relationship for many valid reasons, not because I have some unresolved personal 'issues'.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 27/09/2015 12:00

Apologies for the misunderstanding.

I think there are different sorts of can't be alone. Yes, "desperate and can't do it" is unlikely to breed happy relationships. OTOH some people will just always be happier with a partner. In the sense that it's something central to their life that they will seek out. I don't think that necessarily breeds co dependency or abuse.

BloodyBloods · 27/09/2015 12:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 12:21

- children or not, man or woman, who 'can't be alone' will attract an abusive relationship

That may be true, but theres miles between can't be alone and wanting to find love again one day after being widowed or even a divorce. I don't mind being on my own, I'm financially independent, happy, plenty of friends, I don't need another relationship. But it doesn't mean I wouldn't like one. And wanting a new relationship does not equal getting involved with the first man / woman that comes along. You seem to think it does. It seems to me that you don't quite trust your own judgement since you were widowed with a young child and your answer to that is to not let anyone in. Which is completely fine. For you. But you can't speak for every other widow / divorced / separated person and their abililty to make good choices in new relationships.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 12:32

I trust my judgement, and would appreciate my personal circumstances being left out of this, if you don't mind :)

It is true that there is a great deal of difference between wanting to meet someone and being desperate to meet someone but I do still feel that those who, for whatever reason, are unhappy alone, are vulnerable and it is that which I thought was a well known and reasonably accepted fact. As such, I was surprised to see it refuted.

OP posts:
Irosstaketheerachel · 27/09/2015 12:35

I think lljkk has hit the nail on the head. I've been divorced for four years but have had plenty of dates, brief relationships and flings but fortunately have an amazing FB of three years so sex (or lack of) is never an issue. Maybe if I wasn't getting regular shag-action (shaction?) I'd see things differently!

I would like to settle down again, have someone to cook for and watch the football with but I'm quite happy for that special someone to find me rather than actively searching for it.

It does annoy me when people give me this look Hmm when I tell them I'm single. My male and female friends are constantly trying to fix me up, usually with complete losers/weirdos. A good friend of mine who was in an EA marriage for over 20 years tried to fix me up with her ex husband last Christmas. A very good-looking policeman but come on, REALLY?!!! Hmm

DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 12:42

Well I'm sure you would Parrot. But if you didn't want your own personal circumstances mentioned, then why put them on an internet forum for everyone to read. Because if you hadn't said you were a widow then I wouldn't know that and be able to comment on it would I.....

Pandora978 · 27/09/2015 12:58

I posted on the other thread about my relative who was widowed at 40. Now in her mid 80s and never remarried. Never had another relationship, or at least not one serious enough to introduce to family.

Nobody in our family comments on it. She's been on her own such a long time it would be pointless and most of the time I don't think about it. She's very independent, goes on holiday with friends, spends lots of time with her grandchildren. She's a good laugh actually, has lots of hobbies, goes dancing all the time etc. She certainly doesn't appear miserable.

I did ask her once if she'd ever thought about remarrying and she said no because she knew she'd never find anyone as good as her husband. I thought that was sad but it was clearly an active choice for her and not one she appears to regret.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 13:00

Dancing

Someone asked me and I replied 'yes.' (On another thread!)

Hardly an ad in a shop window. I have asked you perfectly politely not to bring my circumstances into this. Please don't.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 27/09/2015 13:11

Better alone than in bad company.

DixieNormas · 27/09/2015 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 14:22

I asked you on the other thread. So not an advert in a window, but question that I actually asked you. And seeing as this is a thread about a thread, and its a public forum, then if I want to mention it then I will.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 14:42

Well, I can't force you not to but I would wonder why you are so keen to bring my circumstances into it after a polite request not to.

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 15:06

Because your circumstances are so relevent. But I've hardly brought it up again and again. Just mentioned a possibility that was relevant to you once, within the discussion that you started Smile

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 15:07

And I asked you not to do that and you refused, which is what confused me.

My circumstances would be relevant if we were talking about me - we aren't.

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 15:57

Well to have such strong opinions as you do are obviously relevent to personal circumstances, which is why I asked you in the first place. But as you're so clearly sensitive about talking about your own personal circumstances, and that you'd prefer to generalise about other peoples instead, then we'll leave it there. As you requested. Smile

Grazia1984 · 27/09/2015 16:57

This link is to the recent research - that some- not all - people are happier single . Depends on your personality type www.upi.com/Science_News/2015/08/21/Study-Some-people-are-happier-single/7671440178585/

sproketmx · 27/09/2015 17:59

Suppose it depends on the person. I dont think I could tho. I'm not cut out for the single life. Who the fuck would I nag? Grin

Starkswillriseagain · 27/09/2015 18:27

It would depend on the person. I know some happy singletons, unhappy ones, happy people with partners and unhappy ones. I'd only think they were miserable if they told me they felt lonely and really wanted a partner.

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