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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you can have a perfectly happy life as a single person

79 replies

parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 09:06

I don't want to derail another thread, but this is not a thread about a thread as such, though of course I am thinking about it as my basis for this one.

If your spouse or partner died or left you, and you happened to find someone who you wanted to share your life with, I think that's wonderful and I am fully supportive.

However the flipside to this appears to be that the alternative is misery - 'I wanted to find happiness again/I don't want to be in the grave with him/her/I want to live my life to the full.'

If you don't happen to meet someone else you want to spend your life with or have no interest in meeting someone - does this equate in people's minds to unhappiness for the rest of their lives?

Interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 27/09/2015 10:18

I love this! I think I am 'the one'!

To think you can have a perfectly happy life as a single person
suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 10:20

He on the other hand is now stuck in a relationship that makes him miserable!

hehe
divine justice :o

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 10:21

Merry, thats great!

MrsTedCrilly · 27/09/2015 10:23

I've been talking about this with my mum recently... My dad died 6 months ago and she says she will never be with anyone else, she just doesn't want to be. She is 64. I know she means it too.. She will be much happier single. On the flip side my aunty was living with another man less than 3 months after my uncle died. Some people can't be alone.. and some are happy alone! You're right, there is definitely more of an expectation to meet someone else.. Many people in society like 'normal' and don't understand anything that happens outside of this.. There needs to be more respect for others choices!

AndDeepBreath · 27/09/2015 10:26

At the risk of making this more of a TAAT than it already is - as you know I've posted on the thread you're talking about and I still think that the question was more about "how would you feel about them remarrying" then "should they remarry", which is a subtle difference.

Some people said they'd hate it and had "banned" it. Others including me said it should definitely be an option. Some reasons included "because everyone has a right to find happiness" (which is a quick way of saying meeting someone, clicking, enjoying their company, falling in love etc) and others included "because he would be lonely".

Personally I'm one of those. I would theoretically like my DH to find someone else because I've seen the transformative effect of our relationship and, unlike you, I think he'd get very lonely and isolated. He'd survive of course but I think that deep down he needs at least one person to really care for him (or maybe I've already played that role, who knows?) He also doesn't have a big family or support network in place like you maybe do. Whether he'd actually want or be able to find someone else is another matter (and I wouldn't know anyway).

I guess I'm trying to say that people were just posting their wishes for their own spouse, and it feels a bit like you're saying "I'm single and I'm insulted that you're all saying I can't be happy again." I wanted to emphasise that that's not what I think and I didn't really read that into other replies on that thread either. No one thinks any less of a widow or widower who stays alone - but people know their own spouses and how they might cope in their own unique situations.

Anyway ... Sorry if this isn't a useful contribution to this thread (happy to back out again!), just wanted to explain my POV.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 10:33

Merry that's brilliant! I love it.

I don't mind people wanting me to meet somebody but the next time somebody says that to me, I'll say "sure! introduce me to your husband's single friends!"

I've been out on dates, once. People expect you to find lots of single men somehow.

There are a few widowers on pof (in my area) and although they seem like decent men, there's some thing that says "avoid" to me. The fact that you'd be going in from day one, in their eyes, a poor second. Like being in competition with somebody and unable to win. That kind of situation automatically renders 'the prize' not worth having.

But that's just me. I'm very independent emotionally.

BoldFox · 27/09/2015 10:35

What thread is this not about Confused

pm me. it sounds interesting. The other thread that this one is definitely not about.

AndDeepBreath · 27/09/2015 10:37

I think it's "would you want your partner to remarry"?

Are we not allowed to post names of threads? If so will get this reported and deleted

miaowroar · 27/09/2015 10:39

I have been divorced for 12 years and have not dated anyone since then. Mostly I am happy (ie content) but every so often a wave of sadness comes over me - perhaps when I see old friends who are still good together, or I hear of stuff XH is doing with "new" wife (they married 6 weeks after our decree absolute came through).

Sometimes I feel it would be nice to be that special person in someone's life again - but I don't see it happening; and to be fair I am not taking any steps to make it happen - and, of course, I miss the closeness of sex (although that was the reason for our splitting up in the first place).

OTOH, I also remember how isolated and second-best I felt for a large proportion of my 29-year relationship with XH and how unhappy it made me. I remember feeling envious of single friends (oddly enough, all of them now have partners except me Confused).

The OP is right - holidays are a problem and I have not been away on a proper holiday since my divorce, although I have spent the odd weekend away with friends/family etc.

I suppose what I am saying is that I am not always unhappy single, and I was very often unhappy whilst married. At least being single is relatively uncomplicated.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 10:40

It isn't, because I was surprised at the number of people who saw being single for the remainder of their life as The Very Worst Thing They Wouldn't Wish On Anyone.

I feel someone who had been through a bereavement and subsequently struggled to cope alone would have a neon sign on their head attracting abusers. --dad-/

OP posts:
bettyberry · 27/09/2015 10:45

Happy as a singleton? I lived a very happy single life for 8 years. I did however have several very good vibrators to see to those needs!

OOAOML · 27/09/2015 10:47

I am married, but think I would have been happy to stay single, and often wonder if I am actually suited to family life. And I'm not sure my husband and I will have much in common after the children have grown up, so I might be single then. I think it's lovely if people have a soul mate, but don't think I have. And seeing some of my single friends and the angst they're going through over dating (which nowadays, for them at least, seems to be reduced to picking out the serious sex pests on internet dating sites) makes me wonder what the point is. Part of me imagines my life as an older woman, living on my own, reading in peace, going to places I want to go, and generally being my own person.

If something were to happen to me, or my husband and I were to split whilst the children are still at home, then I don't mind if he finds someone else, I would just want to be sure that the children were ok. If something happens to him, I don't think I would look for anyone else.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2015 10:48

I know what you mean OP - I have been single for most of my adult life and the reaction I get from other people is laughable. I can see the pity they feel, like I couldn't possibly be happy but that I'm putting on a brave face.

The fact is that I have never wanted partner, kids etc so I get the lifestyle that I want this way

Floppityflop · 27/09/2015 10:50

For sure you can be happy single. However, some people just can't be on their own. Some people relish it.

Elliesyummymummy · 27/09/2015 11:01

I'm in limbo at the moment, after a drawn out and messy break up from an EA partner who I was with for 6 years my first emotions where total fear of being alone, he had confined me to a box, no friends or money, I was completely dependent on him, I have no family....however now after joining sites like this I am gaining confidence, self esteem and realising that I can be on my own and I will never put myself and kids in that situation again. I have made friends and am building a life centred around me, my children and friends. The thought of dating is too much atm but I do have pangs of 'will I ever find the one' but on the whole I'm living my life expecting to be alone but keeping the little bit of Disney alive inside me because you never know and figure if I'm 100% comfortable with me and my life then the right person might come along and just fit right in and actually love me for who I am :)

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 27/09/2015 11:16

People in relationships are not having sex everywhere, so I often wonder if single people are having more sex than marrieds.

MamaLazarou · 27/09/2015 11:21

Being single in my twenties was lots of fun because I had a wild social life, lots of flings and time alone, enjoying my own company.

I wouldn't want that lifestyle now I'm in my 40s. I prefer the companionship, intimacy, security and fulfilling family life that a happy marriage brings.

I have several permanently-single friends who seem perfectly happy to remain so. But it's not for me.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 11:23

Being single doesn't mean you have to have a wild social life you know!

I think some people believe being single is immature, in a peculiar way.

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 27/09/2015 11:24

I do know that, yes. Hmm

LieselVonTwat · 27/09/2015 11:26

Different strokes for different folks. There are people who couldn't be happy whilst single, there are people who are unhappy if they aren't. Sometimes the same individual is both things, at different points in their life.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 27/09/2015 11:28

Parrot - I think you are still misrepresenting what a lot of people tried to clarify on that thread.

No one was saying that being single was pathetic .

Some said that they knew their partners would struggle to be happy single.

Some said (sometimes clumsily) that they wouldn't want their partner to feel that side of themselves had to be abandoned.

This is a TAAT really isn't it?

Aussiemum78 · 27/09/2015 11:34

When I was younger, I wanted to be coupled for sex (and too prudish to want casual sex) and babies and all that stuff.

Now I'm older, babies aren't an issue and I could easily find a fwb, if I were single now I'd be ok with it. I'm definitely more confident being on my own now I've grown up a bit.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 11:35

I don't think it is - it is now you've made it so. I felt it was best to start a new thread due to people complaining about arguments on he other one.

Let's suppose a woman started a thread saying she hates being alone, needs a man, only happy in a relationship - wouldn't people - hopefully gently - point out she needed to work on herself?

But anyway; as this isn't a thread about a thread, I just want to point out the assumption for many is that happiness can only be found in marriage and I don't think that's true.

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2015 11:38

I feel someone who had been through a bereavement and subsequently struggled to cope alone would have a neon sign on their head attracting abusers.

Is that why you don't want to meet anyone else now you are a widow then Parrot? In case the new person abuses your child?

Original poster
parrotsummer · 27/09/2015 11:38

I meant abuse them.

OP posts: