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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why DC washing is "mine"?

87 replies

Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:12

DP says this all the time.
"I need to wash my work stuff is there anything you need to wash for DS that you want to put in?"
Then either he wants me to get it or he'll ask me which specific peices of washing I "want" done for DS
He thinks he's being helpful. I think he's being a tosser. If I do a load of washing for DS I don't feel the need to mention it to do or ask his permission as if its his job.
He does the same thing packing the nursery bag "what do you want me to put in? Which spars top? Where is it?" You fucking know what goes in it, I'm not the fucking leader of spare tops ffs
I feel like a fucking manager or something
Gives me the rage Angry

OP posts:
Spidertracker · 26/09/2015 10:14

I do everybody's washing, its just the washing, pick it up throw it in, its not a massive thing.

DoreenLethal · 26/09/2015 10:14

'No nothing special, what do you want to put in for him? Perhaps just wash all the dirty stuff? Just a thought.'

'Perhaps just put into the bag, in all the stuff he needs? Just a thought.'

Sallyingforth · 26/09/2015 10:16

Sounds like you have bigger issues than the washing.

ALongTimeComing · 26/09/2015 10:16

Are you angry because you feel all child stuff automatically is delegated to you?

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:16

Spider- I know it isn't a massive thing, its the undertones that anything to do with our son is my job not his that pisses me off.like when he "helps me" take DS to nursery. Funny enough when I take my own kid to nursery he doesn't consider it to be me *helping " him.

OP posts:
abbieanders · 26/09/2015 10:19

Well start asking him what to do about lunch/does he need some help with that nappy/when does he want to do bedtime?

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 10:21

it is a massive thing
he's making sure you get to have and keep responsibilty for all the domestic work
very common tactic

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 10:26

I don't feel the need to mention it to do or ask his permission as if its his job

Maybe you should!
Switch roles, speak as if he is responsible for domestic and child related work and anything that you do in that area is a favour to him.
Don't do anything without consulting him and ask for detailed instructions at every opportunity ?

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:26

It's the fact that all these tasks are so simple the only reason he is asking me is because he clearly hasn't thought about it because he doesn't see it as his responsibility.
He even asks me where baby wipes are ffs. The same place they've been for a year is where they fucking are. Same with the nappies. And the spare fucking top.

This is all petty I know but its so frustrating to have to basically think for two people, so even if he is helping he may as well not be because it involves getting me to tell him how to do really basic things.
E.g
"I'll bath DS" OK
"Where are his pjs?could you get them? Wheres the cream? Which bubble bath should I use? Where his toothbrush? How do I rinse his hair? Which towl should I use?' Use Any towel ffs.
He knows the answer to all these things because we've being doing it for 2 fucking years now but every time it's the same questions.
It's driving me mad.

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 26/09/2015 10:26

I know exactly what you mean.
My ex would say "I've done the hoovering for you".
He once, after he'd left, had a strop because I hadn't thanked him for "taking the kids so you can work".
(Access. He'd had access.Hmm)

I'd start telling him every time you wash something. "I've washed the kids PJs for you" etc etc.

When you take dc to nursery, tell him "you're welcome".

You get the picture. Make him see he's being a twat.

Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2015 10:37

I think it's the same in a lot of households TBH.

The washing machine had an audible bleep when it's finished which weirdly only I can hear.

But I am very picky about the laundry so DH and the DCs probably scared to interfere. Grin

ChocolateJam · 26/09/2015 10:39

Where are the clean tops/pj's/wipes? I'm not sure love, you will have to look for them.
Which towel should I use? You pick one.

When he does do things by himself without consultation, be careful not to criticise if it wasn't done the way you would have done it.

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:39

It probably is the same in a lot of households, apparently a "normal woman" wouldnt "piss and moan about look after her own child" according to DP.

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 26/09/2015 10:40

When he asks where something is and he knows perfectly well, I assume you point that out to him? And do you pick him up when he says that he's done some standard household task for you? How does he respond?

Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2015 10:41

Well that phrase isn't common Dino. Sad

I think there is much more than laundry problems here as a PP said. Time for a frank discussion.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 10:45

its so frustrating to have to basically think for two people, so even if he is helping he may as well not be because it involves getting me to tell him how to do really basic things

It's deliberate
He feigns incompetence and you find it so stressful and difficult trying to get him to help that it seems easier to just give in and do it yourself

Result (for him)

He's no fool, if he just got on and did these things efficiently he'd be making a rod for his own back?

CatEyeFlick · 26/09/2015 10:46

he is a knob, soz

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:46

Inimatable- sometimes I say "same place they've always been" or if he asks something pointless, like if he's doing DS lunch and asks eat he should go him I'll say something like"well I don't know its not just my job to know everything just do whatever you think it doesn't matter" but then he gets in a mood about it and why can't i just be normal and answer normally.
It's easier to just do everything myself tbh

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 10:47

Ugh! Its exhausting just reading this. Exp was like that. Wouldnt dream of just grabbing a pair of PJs out of the drawer for DCs. No he had to shout me to come up from downstairs to look at the open drawer infront of him and point to a pair. JUST PICK ANY FUCKING PAIR!

You have my sympathies. My way of dealing with it was to dump the fucker but LTB seems a bit harsh for your scenario Grin i would suggest calling him on it each and every time and refusing to answer the question. He'll work it out himself eventually. Does he think you were born knowing this shit? No you had to learn and so does he.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 10:48

You're playing along with his game Dino, he's controlling you here

SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 10:49

I did once walk out of asda when EXP asked which sausages "we" get. Blush

Swannykazoo · 26/09/2015 10:51

Snap here. "Where's the cheese live?" - well where do you think it might live?
I also like to say "hold on, I'll ask my uterus seeing as it is the font of all knowledge"

Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2015 10:51

Really Surly? I would have just said 'whichever sausages you want, just pick some'.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 10:51

first stop getting angry with him
if you're angry he's won
stay calm and decide on a strategy

Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2015 10:54

I have DH and two teen boys and regularly get asked where all sorts of random stuff is.
Shin pads, retainers, school books, phone chargers etc

Like I am the keeper of all the things. Confused I don't get up and start looking though, they know where they are likely to be. But it doesn't stop them continually asking.