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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why DC washing is "mine"?

87 replies

Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:12

DP says this all the time.
"I need to wash my work stuff is there anything you need to wash for DS that you want to put in?"
Then either he wants me to get it or he'll ask me which specific peices of washing I "want" done for DS
He thinks he's being helpful. I think he's being a tosser. If I do a load of washing for DS I don't feel the need to mention it to do or ask his permission as if its his job.
He does the same thing packing the nursery bag "what do you want me to put in? Which spars top? Where is it?" You fucking know what goes in it, I'm not the fucking leader of spare tops ffs
I feel like a fucking manager or something
Gives me the rage Angry

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 26/09/2015 10:55

If you're as arsey in real life, he's probably petrified of getting something wrong.
I assume your DS is young (nursery, wipes) and you did the majority of the care when he was a baby. If so by default you became 'in charge' of babywipe location and clothes care etc.
If your son was 8 and DH was still mithering you like this you'd have a point being so angry.

SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 10:55

Yes sparkling. I will add that it was a final straw moment and not an isolated event. Context is everything etc.

Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2015 10:56

Oh fair enough Surly, if it was the last in a long line of twattishness I would have got in the car and driven home too probably.

MadameJosephine · 26/09/2015 10:56

This drives me mental too OP. I am constantly reminding DD's dad that she has 2 parents and I am not the default!

Marsaday · 26/09/2015 10:58

I do 95% of all washing in this house. Yesterday i did 3 loads as i was off work with a pukey toddler. There was one load left to go on this morning. I come downstairs and My OH says " i was going to put the wachine machine on, but i didnt in case you had a special plan for it"
I reply that the plan is to put remaining dirty clothes in machine, and switch on. Assuming he would then do this.
3 hours later i have done the washing and hung out as usual. Hmm
I am sorely tempted to start washing only mine and ds clothes. we do the same job but i actually work longer hours than him at the moment, so why the heck should i also be responsible for all the washing?!?

winchester1 · 26/09/2015 10:58

Do you both work ft? Can you sit down together and split the jobs so he does all washing and making sure ds has clothes, shoes etc including buying as needed. You do meal planning on line shop. Half the cooking each other washes up. Half the bedtimes each and getting up in the night as needed etc. Then his jobs are his and you don't need to discuss them.

SecretSquirrels · 26/09/2015 11:00

I remember when DH and I first lived together (30 years ago Blush). I came home and he said proudly "I've hoovered for you".
I don't recall my exact words but he has never, ever in the subsequent 30 years claimed that a chore was done for me.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 11:00

If you get annoyed you are taking the bait, it creates stress and the loser is the one who is worst affected by the stress
?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/09/2015 11:03

I agree with Suzanne that you should do exactly the same thing back at him. Imagine that everything child related is his job and ask for advice, expect praise, frown at him slacking etc.

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 11:04

Seriously- I'm not an arsey person Confused I'm pissed off because everything is left to me and on the odd occasion it isn't, I have to apparently give instructions.
Why the fuck should he only do "his" washing but I do everyone's? Why is sorting out everything for DS my job?
I've tried to encourage his input, try to ask his opinion, he refuses. Not really my fault that every thing got left to me because he refused to take part. I'm not controlling, I wouldn't say he's done something "wrong" except when its dangerous eg he refused to accept that you need to sterilise bottles for a newborn and that it's not a good idea to let DS eat whole grapes in a different room whilst he goes out for a fag. Or that you cant let him climb a heavy chest of drawers because it will fall on him etc but I have to mention that stuff because he won't think for himself.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 11:05

Oh fair enough Surly, if it was the last in a long line of twattishness I would have got in the car and driven home too probably.

Oh i considered it but DS(3) was with him so it wouldnt be fair on him to have to walk home. I just sat in the car crying.

AnyoneButAndre · 26/09/2015 11:12

A lot of men are crap for this, and it's not necessarily a LTB offence - DH still asks me how to work the dishwasher and washing machine, which we've had for 5 years. However if I called him on it, as I occasionally do, he would never in a million years respond as the OP's partner has. That's the real problem, it's not simply that you've fallen into cliched gender roles or that he's a bit lazy, it's that he sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Burnet · 26/09/2015 11:14

This is familiar.
Don't know what the answer is.
I do more of the childcare than DH but I wish when he was doing one aspect of it he could take responsibility for it instead of delegating every tiny decision to me.

lorelei9 · 26/09/2015 11:16

Marsaday "My OH says " i was going to put the wachine machine on, but i didnt in case you had a special plan for it"

this reminds me of the West Wing episode with the joke about the President having a secret plan to fight inflation Grin (which he didn't).

um, yy to people doing their own washing

OP, I have to be honest and say I'd just tell him what you told us. His child, his responsibility. I wouldn't play games about it and start saying "you're welcome" when you take DC to nursery. Tell him he's being a complete arse/incompetent and you won't tolerate either. Don't answer stupid questions from now.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 11:16

its a game that men play
you need to get tactical

KurriKurri · 26/09/2015 11:18

The endless questions 'where are his PJ's' 'where is his toothbrush' etc - they are so you give in and think it would be easier to do it yourself, so he's making himself seem helpless- common tactic.
Basically you are still doing the job because you are having to monitor every aspect of it - so he's not actually helping or caring for his son. He knows exactly where PJs and towels are kept.
Next time he says 'I'll bath DS' say 'good, I;m going out for a walk/popping to the shop/whatever' - bet you anything you like he can find all the stuff he needs when there's no one he can get to do it for him.

I call those kind of people the 'wipe my arse' brigade. Want everything done for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 11:20

Not really any excuse for not knowing how to use dishwasher/washing machine/make up formula etc. if you can read you can learn to do just about anything. The only obstacle is not wanting to.

Skullyton · 26/09/2015 11:21

i really dont get the rage here.

I dislike the idea that i automatically know where anything is, and usually reply 'why should i know' or 'wherever you left it' but the rest? really... that's getting angry over nothing.

It doesn't matter if its for the DC's or something else, if you dont normally do something and you're unfamiliar with the process, you ask questions.

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 11:25

Skully he isnt unfamiliar with the process. He has bathed DS at least once a week for over 2 years.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 11:26

Next time he says 'I'll bath DS' say 'good, I;m going out for a walk/popping to the shop/whatever' - bet you anything you like he can find all the stuff he needs when there's no one he can get to do it for him.

But if he's really committed to his goal of proving himself helpless you will come home to find water all over the bathroom, mixed with talc to form a sludgy paste, with DC's dirty laundry coated in it and the old nappy lying where it landed. The child will also probably still be awake on the sofa eating a biscuit and chugging down a second bottle of milk, probably watching "along came a spider" with daddy or watching cbeebies on the ipad whilst daddy steals cars and kills prostitutes on GTA. If he has put the laundry in the basket or machine you'll need to check he hasnt thrown the nappy in with it and definitely check the metanium isnt in there too Hmm

^^context of my asda strop

Original poster
Dinobab · 26/09/2015 11:29

The nappy and clothes are always left on the bathroom floor. Always. Once when I didn't pick it up he told me if left it in there! He put in on the floor but some how I had left it there. The fuck.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 11:33

Yeah, know his sort well. I'd like to hear his logic on that one. Did you ask him to talk you through how it is your job to pick up the washing he left there?

SurlyCue · 26/09/2015 11:34

Btw, keep leaving it there! Only pick up what YOU set down.

5madthings · 26/09/2015 11:39

Dear god this would drive Mr mad.

Can you go away for a weekend, leave him to his own devices?

The reasonable thing to do would be to sit and have a calm discussion about it, but I am guessing he just wouldn't get it.

For comparison my dh has gotten up whilst I had a lie in this morning. He got the kids bfast, has put a load of washing on and hung it out, hoovered the living room, washed up and then got the kids all sorted and has taken them swimming. With zero input from me. Other than to give me a kiss goodbye before he left and to say he may take them for a walk/picnic after swimming but he will txt me to let me know roughly when they will be home.

He has been hands on from day one despite me bfeeding, house or kid stuff is done by whoever realises it needs doing. We both pitch in, recentky he has been doing more. I am almost 13wks preg and have been feeling like shit and doing the bare minimum so he is picking up the slack and not once has he complained or moaned.

MerryMarigold · 26/09/2015 11:40

I think often (not saying this is you btw) women are the ones to stay at home with the baby when little, and so the kid stuff becomes 'theirs' unless there is a clear conversation about it. Also, a lot of women (not saying this is you) undermine their partners with the kids childcare, "Those pyjamas are too cold for Winter" harumph "Did you not THINK his white cardigan would not go well in a dark wash of dirty work clothes?" etc. SOME women have their ways of doing things and if the dp doesn't do it that way, woe betide them. Unsurprisingly they don't want to try in case they get told off for doing it all wrong.

Some dps are also a bit lazy.

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