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Original poster

To wonder why DC washing is "mine"?

87 replies

Dinobab · 26/09/2015 10:12

DP says this all the time.
"I need to wash my work stuff is there anything you need to wash for DS that you want to put in?"
Then either he wants me to get it or he'll ask me which specific peices of washing I "want" done for DS
He thinks he's being helpful. I think he's being a tosser. If I do a load of washing for DS I don't feel the need to mention it to do or ask his permission as if its his job.
He does the same thing packing the nursery bag "what do you want me to put in? Which spars top? Where is it?" You fucking know what goes in it, I'm not the fucking leader of spare tops ffs
I feel like a fucking manager or something
Gives me the rage Angry

OP posts:
Puffinella · 26/09/2015 11:40

DH can be a bit like this, and it's annoying after a while! I do most of the childcare, though (SAHM), so I do realise that he maybe thinks there's more of a system than there actually is. I guess I will occasionally say "Oh, not those trousers today; put these on instead", but it'll be for some reason like the second pair are warmer or something; i think this gives DH the idea that there are specific trousers for specific days.

The washing is also specifically my job (he has other jobs, like the food shopping etc), and it never occurs to him to do it. Even though I've been in bed sick for 4 days, he didn't put any washing on because " I wasn't sure how the machine works ". Given that it has a dial that has different temperatures on it, so you just turn it to whichever one you want, I wasn't too impressed! But he honestly thinks it's rocket science. If I had gone downstairs, found the instruction book, and let him have an hour to read it, he'd have come back with 20 questions and then gone and done it; he'd then be fine to do that in the future, so it's not just laziness. He honestly seems to think there's some magic formula to it.

The " finding things" is a nightmare though. "Where is DS's vest?" "On the (1 ft square, otherwise virtually empty) bedside table" "I can't see it" I go upstairs, stand next to him, look at the table and point "It's right there. Beside the pen. It is literally the only thing on the bedside table, apart from the pen. It's a bloody massive piece of cloth, sitting there, in the open, on a practically empty table" "Oh yeah. I thought it would be in the drawer"

Justbatteringon · 26/09/2015 11:43

Next time he's bathing ds take him to where the pj's and wipes are say "here's the wipes Ect. Do you think you can remember that?"
Then take yourself downstairs and put the telly on read a book and ignore him till the jobs done.
When he's doing "his" washing and asks tell him "I'm busy will you go look at ds's washing basket." If he asks where it is just give him are you really that stupid look.
can you tell I'm incredibly arsey

Jux · 26/09/2015 11:53

Ask him. Whenever you're doing something child related, ask what he wants in the bag/in the washing/where anything is.

Annoying, but he'll get the point.

Jux · 26/09/2015 11:56

When he asks where something is tell him you've hidden it, in the place you always hide it.

CassieBearRawr · 26/09/2015 12:09

"It's easier to just do everything myself tbh"

Bingo, he's won.

Jux · 26/09/2015 12:18

Yes, what Cassie says is so. That means you do do everything yourself and he becomes more and more 'helpless' when you ask him to do anything. Then resentment builds up badly and bam! the end.

Expect him to behave like an adult with the same responsibilities as you have.

FishFace99 · 26/09/2015 12:27

My DP is exactly like this. He will even walk past the dc to get to me to ask if the dc are thirsty and want a drink...!

LieselVonTwat · 26/09/2015 12:31

I hardly think putting in a delicate white in with a load of dirty work clothes amounts to someone's special, esoteric way of doing things merrymarigold. It's just called using an ounce of sense.

ahbollocks · 26/09/2015 12:35

I've conquered the washing one, it goes like this chez ahbollocks

Dh-do you need to wash any of dds things before I put my stuff in?
Me - just wash the dark stuff
Dh- soo.. I should?
Me - just dark stuff
Dh- so her jeans and stuff... With my stuff?
Me- all the dark things that are dirty

With a biiiig sunshine smile

If he does try to be lazy or pass the buck I remind him he runs a business that clears half a million a year, so he really should be able to pack a nursery bag without too many pointers.

BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 12:51

a "normal woman" wouldn't "piss and moan about look after her own child" according to DP.

This is a deeply cunty (and untrue) thing to say.

The appropriate response is:

"an adequate father doesn't need to ask so many basic questions about looking after his own child."

Or, alternatively:

"Why don't you fuck off to the far side of fuck you sexist prick?"

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 14:27

It's classic passive aggressive behaviour, he doesn't want to do or be responsible for what he see's as menial tasks which ought to be done by women.

You cant make him do his fair share, he will sabotage all your efforts to change things, and you cant win because you don't have any leverage

BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 14:47

If he cares about continuing to live with you, you have leverage.

Not that you really want to be with a man you need to leverage into treating you with basic respect and your child with basic care.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/09/2015 15:10

I think most people have got it covered withthe advice.

ex was like this. still is. going about his life without a care in the world and seeing the children when he has finished everything else.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 16:05

these ex's...the ones who didnt pull their weight on the domestic front
what sort of home do they run when they live alone?

Do they inevitably go feral and live in squalor, or is it all ship shape and bristol fashion?

HackerFucker22 · 26/09/2015 16:17

My DP decided many years ago to wash his work gear so literally left all my stuff in the basket (out if some misguided logic that his filthy work gear would do something to my clothes!!). I laughed in his face when It transpired he'd used floor cleaner as opposed to fabric softener and his gear stunk for weeks despite several washes!!

megletthesecond · 26/09/2015 17:27

It's not ok. XP was like this. I had to organise, run the bath and lay out the dc's pj's. XP only cleaned them in the fucking bath then passed them back to me to do bedtime when they were dry so he could scarper off down the pub Angry.

NationalTrustLadyGardens · 26/09/2015 17:34

See this kind of thing gives me the sort of dilemma that keeps me awake at night. I am a feminist, but I wouldn't let a man near my washing in a million years.

BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 17:36

I am a feminist, but I wouldn't let a man near my washing in a million years.

Ma, is that you? Grin

Redcrayons · 26/09/2015 18:08

This is my X all over. Everything was and still is, my responsibility and he chips in now and again. Strangely he got more useless as the Dts got older.

Not long before we split, We had a stand up row outside our house because I didn't tell him what the DCs will have lunch before I went out for the afternoon. DCs were 10 at the time. That's 10 years, not weeks. H is a 45 year old holding down a professional job.

I've had 3 texts since school has gone back asking me when half term is. It's on the FUCking website! Even my 70 year old dad could find it.

OP- pull him up on it now. The resentment you feel now wil be a million times worse is 5 years time when you're the only one who knows the teachers names, the dates of Christmas play, who's party is on this weekend etc etc etc

Pico2 · 26/09/2015 18:30

This reminds me of my mostly good DH when DD2 still needed night feeds (formula). I did them all because he was back at work, I got to nap in the day sometimes and my mum told me I should. He said 'you know you can wake me up to do some'. So that Saturday night, she cried, I woke him up and passed her over. He then said 'so what do I need to do?' I didn't bother asking him to do it again as it seemed to require both of us to be awake, him to do the feed and me to give him step-by-step instructions.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 26/09/2015 18:34

My ex was like this too.
If we went out with the dcs he would lie in bed. When I told him to get up as we had 3 dcs to get ready he would roll over and look at me as if I wS I sane. As far as he was concerned he only had himself to get ready.
Dressing the dc packing salary c,othes, snacks, drinks, toys etc was all left to me.
Ahem I asked him to prepare food he acted as though I had Sked him to donate a kidney.

He also did jobs ' for me'.

I pulled him up on it Ll the time.

H's was like a man child.

Op you have my sympathy.

I vowed that I will never ever entertain Nother man child as long as I live.

AyeAmarok · 26/09/2015 19:01

Sympathy OP Flowers

cleoteacher · 26/09/2015 19:21

I'd just be over the moon if my dh said he was going to the washing and his own work things! My dh definitely thinks most house stuff isy job and asks me to wash his stuff. He even huffs and puffs if I ask him to put it out to dry.

Sighing · 26/09/2015 19:27

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729

This book. It covers the use of language to maintain an imbalance in domestic work. Which is what anyone using 'help' etc is doing (whether conciously or not).

EverythingsShinyCaptnNotToFret · 26/09/2015 20:09

5madthings Sat 26-Sep-15 11:39:54
Hide message
Dear god this would drive Mr mad.

Can you go away for a weekend, leave him to his own devices?

The reasonable thing to do would be to sit and have a calm discussion about it, but I am guessing he just wouldn't get it.

For comparison my dh has gotten up whilst I had a lie in this morning. He got the kids bfast, has put a load of washing on and hung it out, hoovered the living room, washed up and then got the kids all sorted and has taken them swimming. With zero input from me. Other than to give me a kiss goodbye before he left and to say he may take them for a walk/picnic after swimming but he will txt me to let me know roughly when they will be home.

He has been hands on from day one despite me bfeeding, house or kid stuff is done by whoever realises it needs doing. We both pitch in, recentky he has been doing more. I am almost 13wks preg and have been feeling like shit and doing the bare minimum so he is picking up the slack and not once has he complained or moaned.

This is how it is in our household 5madthings, though I am not pregnant Smile. This should surely be how a normal healthy partnership should work.

We are a partnership and work together as one, they are OUR children. My boys see this as normal and they also can put the washimg machine on or sort the dishwasher and they are 8,10 and 13.

If I had to deal with a man child like some of you have I would have to get a divorce I think.