Aibu to stand my ground (child related)

[wibblypig1]

Just wondering if you can put this into perspective:

11 year nephew has just been taking the piss out of my skin (postnatal related acne). My brother was there - he told him to stop it, but he persisted, saying he thought my son had drawn on the spots whilst I was asleep. My brother sniggered a bit but told him to be quiet. He still carried on, then his younger brother joined in. It's something I'm sensitive about, as my brother knows.

It's the 11yr olds birthday soon - I told him every time he laughed he lost £2.00 off his present. I'm tempted to give him £2 in an envelope, signed by Your Spotty Aunt. My husband was horrified and is still smarting about it now. AIBU to stick to what I said to show him that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?

TIA x

Autumn I too believe that maintaining the moral high ground is usually the best way.

But there is precious little moral high ground in allowing an 11yo boy to show continuing disrespect to his Aunt.

In this case 'leading by example' means setting firm boundaries on acceptable behaviour.

This child has seen fit to humiliate his Aunt in public, in which behaviour he was tacitly supported by his Dad.

He won't see anything but weakness in capitulation.

The lesson he'll learn is that he can speak to women any way he wants.

I know you very politely wanted to 'agree to disagree' but I feel strongly about this subject.

Btw I very rarely have ever punished my own children. I set high standards, I expect them to be met.

wibbly yes i would. they have never done that but if they did i would go mad at them they would say sorry and they would be punished. the kids know my humour and how we work whats ok what is not. i guess its a bit like an in joke type thing that would not be said out of the home or in the company of others.

so yeah it contradicts what i said earlyer

Thanks again - spoke to my own dad who is very cross and will be having a word with them all when he sees them. They've done similar before, and apparently their father gets very embarrassed, as everywhere they go they say something mean to someone. Surely this is his and his wife's fault!

It's totally their fault.

Personally, I would take the card but no present route. You do not owe him a present. It would be unkind up to ignore his birthday, but at eleven, I'd be astonished if a present from auntie would make or spoil his birthday. Just do it quietly, no need to be pointed.

But it's a good life lesson that, in the Venn diagram of life the intersection between people you treat unkindly and people who give you birthday gifts is vanishingly small.

I like the idea of giving say £2 and donating the difference to an anti-bullying charity. You don't even have to tell them what you've done, the small value and card should tip them off that you meant what you said.

i wouldn't give him anything at all. i don't reward bad behaviour.

I don't see withholding a present as mean anyway. A gift is a gift - it's not a right. You don't have a right to expect a birthday present from anyone. I'm always when I read that people see presents as some sort of right. It's always lovely to receive a present of course but if a child is traumatised by only receiving a small present (or no present at all) then it says something really weird about how they are being taught to view gift giving.

Admit to being an oldtimer, but what's with the 'I don't believe in punishing children' stuff; we're not talking physical chastisement but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having consequences for unacceptable behaviour. Being horrible to someone and not stopping when called on it is unacceptable and he needs to learn why it is unacceptable. No wonder some of the teenagers I work with are so vile to their parents, to teachers and to each other - why not if there is no consequence. Surely one of the duties of adults in society is to teach young people to be civilised human beings, which includes being kind to others, or are we too afraid of traumatising the special little snowflakes to do that?

Wow - complete back up off everyone. Thanks!
I completely believe in consequences for bad attitude and behaviour. That's exactly why I don't want it to be forgotten about and brushed aside. Totally true Angst, but funnily enough, the teenagers I see at work have never, ever commented upon any of my physical features (apart from one calling me a four-eyed cow under their breath, I was like - is that the best you've got?!!), but someone in my own family, who is meant to respect me, love me and expects gifts off me is the rudest child I have dealt with.

I might send £10 to anti bullying charity and another £10 to The British Skin Foundation. They'd be no ambiguity or confusion as to why he gets £2 in his card then, would their. I might even say that I've donated his present to fund research in case he gets it when he's older, because it's quite likely that he will...

*There'd

Spend the money you'd normally give him on a shit load of Freederm and wrap that up for his birthday.

Ah wibbly for you. What a little shitbag.

Fwiw my 2 year old would be losing her pudding (that's her worst possible punishment ;) ) if she had persisted in laughing at someone that way.
At 11, sweet jesus she would be cleaning your house for a week!

If my 10 year old was behaving like that heaven help her for how ballistic I would be!!!

I think charity contributions with a receipt in his card would be ideal.

Mumma I could put it in a time capsule, not let him know what's in there, make a big thing of burying it, and tell him how excited he'll when he gets to open it in a year or two - maybe when his acne starts I'll tell him to go digging, then BAM! Payback!

Thanks bollocks - for the flowers and for making me chuckle - losing my pudding is the worst punishment for me too!!! Lol

Thank you Random - I think it's definitely the way I'm going!

Ps - sorry for my poor use of there, their and they're in my last post! I do know the difference, I promise.