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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to stand my ground (child related)

114 replies

wibblypig1 · 25/09/2015 18:33

Just wondering if you can put this into perspective:

11 year nephew has just been taking the piss out of my skin (postnatal related acne). My brother was there - he told him to stop it, but he persisted, saying he thought my son had drawn on the spots whilst I was asleep. My brother sniggered a bit but told him to be quiet. He still carried on, then his younger brother joined in. It's something I'm sensitive about, as my brother knows.

It's the 11yr olds birthday soon - I told him every time he laughed he lost £2.00 off his present. I'm tempted to give him £2 in an envelope, signed by Your Spotty Aunt. My husband was horrified and is still smarting about it now. AIBU to stick to what I said to show him that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?

TIA x

OP posts:

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 20:01

Hereis this child is 11yo! Of course he knew he was hurtful, not the least because the OP made it very clear she didn't want him to carrry on.

When is he going to learn that NO means NO???

Original poster

wibblypig1 · 25/09/2015 20:02

Yes molly - that's exactly what was said when his little brother joined in, whose birthday is in a couple of months.

Thanks Here - we are fairly close but brother is chilled out with the rest of the world but hates me even telling his kids off, and gets all sensitive too about his kids. He went mad at me a few years ago after the youngest slapped me on the arm so hard it really stung and left a mark, and I told him off. He said "sorry he's not the perfect child!" so I grabbed my baby and went home. Not sounding good, is it?! Lol.

OP posts:

SmugairleRoin · 25/09/2015 20:04

I can't believe he dared keep insulting you, and your brother let him do it! Ridiculous.You poor thing Op.

You owe the kid nothing, give him 5p in a card and explain exactly why he's getting so little.

Original poster

wibblypig1 · 25/09/2015 20:06

Sorry - I'm being vague - 2 dear nephews birthdays are BOTH within the next few months - the youngest is now 7, he joined in after a few minutes too.

OP posts:

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:06

The child has had a great role model, so Im blaming the brother more here. I'd still give the boy something for his birthday though. Two wrongs don't make a right. That will show him good triumphs over evil

PotatoGun · 25/09/2015 20:07

Your brother is a wanker, OP, is modelling wankerish behaviour to his children. Absolutely you should follow through on your threat, and I wouldn't worry your head about the impact on family dynamics. You have a right to expect people who are supposed to love you not to belittle and humiliate you.

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:08

Great, not as in great if you get my meaning :/

Original poster

wibblypig1 · 25/09/2015 20:09

Thank you sunshine - I thought so too.
I know smugairle - it's quite shocking putting it down in words. Funnily enough, eldest nephew isn't greatly popular at school and my husband thinks he is a bit odd...

OP posts:

spiderlight · 25/09/2015 20:11

Your brother should have come down on him like a ton of bricks the first time he said it. If my DS dared to come out with something like that I would have been mortified and would have made damn sure that he never, ever did it again and that he realised exactly how much he'd upset you.

Hereisnownotthen · 25/09/2015 20:13

Sorry Kevin I disagree. Kids don't understand things in the way adults do. I remember being 11 clearly enough to know this. I used to baby sit three boys. One day the eleven year old made fun of my big fat arse as I went up the stairs. He had no understanding of all the female body image sore points he was hitting on. How could he? He was an eleven year old boy! This kid told me when I left their service that I was the best baby sitter they ever had. He wasn't mean, just young.
Of corse he knew he was pushing boundaries, but he simply wouldn't have the depth of understanding an adult would. Because he is not an adult.

Original poster

wibblypig1 · 25/09/2015 20:14

Autumn - I get your thinking, and I don't want to be spiteful - it's not in my nature and makes me feel ill at ease, but I would like it to stop. I don't want my children to catch on to what they're doing and think it's ok. I want them to know what they've done is wrong and disrespectful and hurtful. I don't want it to spoil his birthday, but I want it to make an impact.

Thank you potato - you are correct. I was bought up to believe you respect your elders in particular! I'd have been walloped for being so rude to on of my relatives...

OP posts:

MascaraAndConverse · 25/09/2015 20:16

Have you thought about trying microdermabrasion treatment as well OP? It can be expensive but you can get discounts on Wowcher.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/09/2015 20:18

Buy him a cheap card and a make up pencil.

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 20:18

That's not what I meant though. What I mean is that when you have been told to syop because what you are saying is hurtful, you stop.

That child would do it if he was at school.
At 11yo, he in Y7 and is expected to be mature enough to be left on his own for a while. He is mature enough to know that when someone asks you to stop, you stop, even if you don't understand the adult reasons behind it.

He should also have enough awareness of others to know when someone has been hurt.

I certainly expect that form my own 11yo and actually froom my 10yo (who has AS therefore is very unlikely to understand these adults reasons as you put it)

HortonWho · 25/09/2015 20:24

I remember being an 11 year old too and sorry to inform you HereIs, an 11 year old is not only clever enough to know telling someone she has a big arse is an insult, they are also clever enough to realise they are able to fool some adults. Of course you were his favourite babysitter - others didn't allow him to treat them like crap and get away with it!

Nonnainglese · 25/09/2015 20:27

Your brother needs to man up, he's responsible for his son's behaviour.
I'd give him £2 and a signed card as you suggest. With a bit of luck he might learn something, he's certainly old enough to know better.

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:29

I'd have a word with my nephew about it and explain how much it upset me. But still give him his present after. In my mind that would have more impact than going down the "because you've been mean, I shall too" route.

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 20:34

TBH, this needed to be dealt with at the time, not now or at the time of his b'day.

At that time, the only thing to say is first to remind him that laughing/mocking people is rude and unacceptable and second that when someone is telling you to stop because what you say is hurtful to them, you stop.
And to then set very clearly the ball back to his father. His child, up to him to deal with his rude behaviour rather than enable it.

I suspect you would have got the aggravation you want to avoid at the b'day at the time because clearly your db can't see the issue there.
But it's also up to you to learn being assertive and know about your boundaries. You can't let them have fun of you in that way, neither your DN, nor your DB (who was just as bad)

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 25/09/2015 20:37

Autumn no - what he'd learn is the Aunt Wibbly doesn't follow through on her threats and that there are no consequences to being cruel and disrespectful.

Hereis while an 11yo might not understand about adult body image concerns he knows damn well that calling anyone 'fat' is hurtful, unkind and disrespectful. My 7 year olds understand that.

There are three tests you should instinctively make before you pass comment on another person:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

brokenhearted55a · 25/09/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beetrootpickle · 25/09/2015 20:41

OP Agree your brother is a big part of the problem.

However, your DN is old enough to understand consequences and IMO you should follow through with whatever promise you make to a child.

I think a card with a donation to an anti-bullying charity in his name is a fantastic idea.

I wouldn't be sarcastic, though - as kids often don't understand - I would be clear as to why. "Aunty Wibblypig told you she didn't like you being mean and said that she would dock £2.00 off your birthday money every time you acted unkindly and laughed at her"

I do think that at 11, he should be allowed the opportunity to redeem himself and "earn" his way out of trouble - so I would think of something he could promise to do, in return for a lovely present. Maybe a day helping out somewhere?

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:43

I disagree Sunshine. Showing someone that you can take the high-ground and not stoop to their level has many advantages, so we shall have to agree to disagree. Im not a believer in "punishments" for children. I'm more of a lead by example sort.

mrstweefromtweesville · 25/09/2015 20:45

Don't give a present to a child who insults you. Also, don't visit and don't have him/them at yours. I wouldn't normally go for the 'donation' idea but in this case, its a good one. They were bullying you and they need to know its not on.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 21:15

I'm not calling the little shit a little shit to his face, even though he is a little shit. Precious.

Starkswillriseagain · 25/09/2015 21:16

I would give no present of a voucher towards a facial which is what I'd have loved to give the so called friend who told me I must not wash my face.

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