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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow these "friends" to use us again

81 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/09/2015 17:44

Hi long time lurker so my first post. Will keep as brief as possible
About five years ago my cousin started working for my husband and through that we became friendly with him and his girlfriend. Very close we did Christmas and birthday presents and they enjoyed coming round to us as they lived with my aunt and uncle (cousins parents).
In the years that followed we helped them out quite a bit letting them house sit when we were away so they could have some space, they came away with us on holiday and only payed for flights as they were skint. We also gave them lots of Furniture we had in storage when they did move in together. None of this we minded as we thought of them as good friends and of course family.
Two years ago we had our little boy and this corn sides with cousin and girlfriend getting new jobs, her job was amazing really fantastic earning a lot of money. We soon began to feel we where not good enough for them any more.
Plans to do things always usually fell through, a couple of times they asked us to get them tickets for things and then they could not make it. Yet on facebook they were where out her new work friends. I always had to ask for the money for these tickets that where never used.
We gave them birthday and Christmas presents one year and never even got a card. Then suddenly a post on Facebook saying they were so happy to be getting rid of crappy furniture (that we gave them) and getting new. It was also put on Facebook that she was so happy to have new friends who "knew how to live the highlife and have a good time" she also put a comment in about "it's great not be tied down with kids and be able to do stuff"
So after all this we basically cut our loses but had to put up with them ignoring us at family dos and also aunt and uncle ignoring us. It them gets back to us that they said we cut them out and thats why aunt an uncle ignored us. Luckily rest of family did not believe them and know we would not do that.
Fast forward to now and cousins girlfriend is pregnant totally unplanned. She has now started texting me wanting to meet up, I texted back congratulations but ignored the meeting up part.
Then my mum gets a phone call from my aunty begging me to meet up with girlfriend as she does not know anyone with kids and none of her workfriends have kids and now she feels we would have more in common again. My mum incidentally says if I was to meet up with the little Madame then more fool me
DH is beginning to wane and say we should see them again as afterall she is pregnant, my opinion is no way I am not getting all friendly again just to be blown off when something better comes along
Sorry for the essay

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/09/2015 17:46

Also the only thing I can thing of that we did was a couple if times we cancelled on them at the last minute (it was only meeting for a drink) as I have epilepsy and had a bad seizure just before we were due to go out

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/09/2015 17:48

No way. I can't believe you'd consider it. They sound a real pair of abusive users - you'd be much better off keeping away from them.

ImperialBlether · 25/09/2015 17:48

Are they after your baby stuff?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/09/2015 17:49

I would do as you have done, wish her well but ignore any requests to meet up.

amarmai · 25/09/2015 17:51

i'm with you,op. Once bitten twice shy. She has not changed- just planning to use your baby stuff, get you to babysit etc etc This is your side of the family- is your dh getting pressured too? maybe by the boyfriend ?

kungfupannda · 25/09/2015 17:51

I'm with your mum on this one.

They sound vile.

Whathaveilost · 25/09/2015 17:51

No I would not meet up.
I only surround my self with positive people who add to my life.

Cocolepew · 25/09/2015 17:52

Don't meet up , the minute one of her new friends gets pregnant she'll dump you again.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 25/09/2015 17:53

I'm with imperialblether, bet they're after the baby stuff

Itsmine · 25/09/2015 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BolshierAryaStark · 25/09/2015 17:53

Nope, tell her to do one.

Whathaveilost · 25/09/2015 17:54

Just to add, everytime a meet up is suggested I would keep it vague but friendly, as in 'oh, sorry that's not good for us then' or 'sorry, we already have plans' etc.
That way they can't accuse you of being the problem one if you gave an outright no to the rest of the family.

Lonelynessie · 25/09/2015 17:55

Yanbu for not wanting to meet up, I would feel very hurt by they way they behaved towards you and actually she has showed her true colours. I would also be wary of her suddenly deciding again (if new friends with babies come along) that you are not up to her 'standards'. They sound like users and it's just not worth the hassle. It also sound like they want the friendship to be all on their terms.

Sometimes people have to learn that their actions have consequences and unfortunately they have cut off and lost the real good friends in you and your husband, but that's not your fault.

I'd leave it at the congratulations and go no further.

ImperialBlether · 25/09/2015 17:56

Or when it's suggested that you meet up just say, "Do you think we're stupid or something?"

Original poster
Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/09/2015 17:56

I never though of them wanting our baby stuff!!! Which we have kept as we want another baby.
I think husband used to enjoy my cousins company as they used to meet and play Badminton a few nights a week. Most of his friends are dotted around the country and our other friends we tend to see as couples and I have my own friends.

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 25/09/2015 17:58

I think Imperial has hit the nail on the head, I think they want your baby stuff.

I am with your mum on this one but I would absolute play the passive aggressive game, smile widely at family get togethers and say, yes we must meet up soon. But no, I would not get involved with these 'friends' again.

backtowork2015 · 25/09/2015 17:59

She'll disappear again once she has nct friends. Keep your distance, be polite but unavailable

Original poster
Dollymixtureyumyum · 25/09/2015 18:01

No I don't believe my cousin has been in touch with my DH, I think we would have told me but I will ask.
Lucky the rest of the family never really warmed to cousins girlfriend as she was always very aloof (stuck up cow has been mentioned) though I must admit they never showed it and are always nice to her. I just though she was shy as we are a big group and can be quite intimidating and I always got on with her. She was just out for what she could get wasn't she?

OP posts:
Allbymyselfagain · 25/09/2015 18:01

Me four agreeing with imperial nasty users after free stuff. Which I'm sure they will only put crappy fab status' up about when they go buy new!

OP I have lots of friends, some with kids, some without, some single, some married, some long distance, some round the corner. When you have true friends you don't have to have your whole lives in common, just one shared thing, humour, hobbies.... They are not true friends.

Muckogy · 25/09/2015 18:04

No. just no.
fuck 'em.

Idefix · 25/09/2015 18:06

I would stay well clear, as others and your dm have said she has shown her true colours.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 25/09/2015 18:08

My first thought was also are they after your baby stuff? I might agree to meet up with her, especially after she has baby as it's great to get some support as a new mum. However, I would be unlikely to loan/gift them any of my old baby stuff and would they would find it conveniently already loaned elsewhere if they should start asking. I know it's petty, but they really haven't treated you well the last few years, so I would just be wary.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 25/09/2015 18:10

I'm another who thinks you should be polite but keep your distance. You can't switch friends on and off when nobody better is around!

GreyBonnet · 25/09/2015 18:13

I'd agree with pps - don't. If you want to get help your Mum to get your aunty to stop hassling, can you try and adopt the approach of a)'giving advice'; to the effect that your dc is now two years old, which is a vast age difference to a newborn, so its not even as if the kids can play together, she needs people whose kids will grow up with hers and b) 'giving encouragement' reassure her that she is so good at finding new friends when she finds her circumstances changing (ahem...) that she will have no trouble in finding a whole new circle of friends through nct etc but c) 'just mentioning' that she might have to be ready to accept she might lose those old, child-free, friends - you can sympathise, you know what it's like.... totally insincere sad face for her

lotsoffunandgames · 25/09/2015 18:13

I agree, they used you and are now after your baby stuff, advice and time but only until something better comes along.which it will by the sounds of it.

Politely avoid and decline. (Though I am actually quite gullible and easy to forgive so I personally would end up saying no a few times and giving in, but still not give up the baby stuff!)