To just want to leave the f***ing house!? (faffing related)

[InTheBox]

Does anyone have family or a partner that does this sort of thing.

We're about to leave the house but no, we can't yet as a cushion needs to be plumped, the thermostat needs to be checked, perhaps even an 'interesting' ad on TV needs to be watched. Or something needs to be looked for or rearranged. Maybe even a cup of tea whilst all this is happening and then might as well check e-mails. I despair with this sort of faffing. Can we just leave!

I'm not military about leaving times unless we have to be somewhere but otherwise if we are about to leave the house then lets fucking leave! Rant over.

DH is a door hogger, same as PIL, im trying to get past for shoes coats, stuff for three kids as they stand and chat in the fking door way.... Dh other sin, three hour journey .. all in all ready .. he wants to go to the garage for petrol sweets check tyres. Kids in car near 4 hours ... Why its been planned for weeks!!

Oh god this drives me crazy. dp and both my parents are unable to leave the house without pissing about wiping something down or putting something away or finding keys. somehow I'm the one responsible for the hold up when I'm sat there with both kids in coats and shoes waiting to go while Mr or Mr and Mrs "it will only take me 5 mins" is no where near ready.

then when once we are out its a sudden nip back I'm for the toilet or to find keys or something. just start getting ready sooner ffs and whys it my fault when I'm ready

Pil are like this. They require a professionally typed itinerary for every trip, especially spontaneous trips to the park. Then Mil must check the weather forbade umpteenth time, loads up.laptop.. Then needs to turn off all the electrical in case of fire? Etc etc. Meanwhile I've made ds change bag up, made sandwiches, etc and been sitting on sofa with coat and shoes on for hours. Sigh. DM is the opposite, all four of us as kids and df used to be sat in the car for ages waiting for her to finish her make up, have a cup of tea and a fag. Always late everywhere...

I'm laughing because my husband is the king of deciding the sheets must be changed or the living room hoovered ten minutes after we were supposed to have left for a wedding. But I don't complain too much because he does more than his fair share of housework, the upside of it.

His mother is a menace for it though. On family holidays she will be up by 9am, but somehow not ready to leave the house until 1pm. When you say we must leave NOW, she will crossly tell you she needs to brush her teeth, as if you should know that, and as if it is unreasonable to expect this to have been done within the two hours since she had breakfast. For the most part it's harmless, I don't care too much if it's just a family visit and we haven't got any firm plans. But when you're using up precious leave for a holiday and anxious to get out and do something with the day, it's crazy making. It's one reason I do everything I can to avoid going on holiday with her.

Don't even get me started on supermarket shopping. My husband does that with her when it needs to be done because I can't be trusted not to brain her with a frozen chicken. It would be easy, she has been known to take three hours to purchase the ingredients for a Victoria sponge, so I know she wouldn't make a quick escape...

My dad started painting a wall in the basement with minutes to go before we had to leave for my graduation and was all Mr Innocently Outraged "What, have you seen the state of this wall?!" when my mum threatened to kill him if he doesn't drop the paint brush.

Dh is a terrible faffer. I suspect it's linked to his social anxiety disorder...I think he likes to put off the moment of leaving when he has to commit to going to something 'out there'. Once he's in the car it's official you see...people, interacting, social stuff.
He will suddenly decide a wash needs hung or the fence needs secured. He only ever gets ready when it's already time to leave. We do a lot of waiting in the car. I eventually start pipping the horn which really irritates him but gets his arse out the door.

Thankfully most people we meet know what he is like and don't ever blame me for the fact that we turn up half an hour late to everything. They know I'm good.

Maybe they breed this type of person on purpose because DH is exactly the same. Only it's more like:

I start getting myself and children ready for an hour whilst DH sits with his tea and laptop "doing important things" faffing about on FB

30 minutes before we need to go I let him know " you've got 30 minutes.. think you need to get your shower and get dressed about now?" Yup.. I'm on it.

Only he's not on it, because with 10 minutes to go he's still not bloody moved!! So now I'm shouting "Ten minutes so you're going to have to just go without a shower!" No! I have plenty of time.. don't you worry your pretty head love.

It's now 10 minutes past the time we should have left. I am trying to keep DC occupied while we are still waiting on DH to come down. 5 minutes later he's down but now he can't find his wallet or keys. I find the ruddy keys and we herd the kids into the car... great right? No! Now he needs to "pop to the loo" At this point the kids are already trying to kill each other and I'm googling local divorce attorneys.

15 minutes later he's back from the loo. This happens almost every time we need to be somewhere and frankly I'm surprised I haven't killed him long ago. He see's nothing wrong with this btw and says I'm just always in a hurry.

Dh does this. He's ready "but just....." Has to find keyswalletphoneweebrushteeth aaaah it drives me crazy.

My DH does this and it drives me nuts. When he says he's ready to go I now don't even stand up and tell him to let me know when he's at the door.
Also he's only happy if we arrive either late or exactly on time because he's too impatient to wait for anything for even a minute. If we're catching a train we'll end up sprinting up the platform 9 times out of 10.

OK confession time. I do this. Please don't flame me.

I have read this whole thread looking for tips on how to get better at it. I think for me it comes from a combination of:

• being naturally messy. My phone / keys etc do end up all over the place. I am working on the tidiness too. For important events (early morning work thing, wedding etc) I do prep in advance, but for everyday stuff, especially if I've been busy so lost track of my stuff, it can take me a while to get it all together again.
• lack of a sense of time. I don't have one. These days I use my phone alarm to manage this, so if I'm working and need to set off for an important meeting I set an alarm 15 or 30 mins before I need to go, with snooze reminders built in. Otherwise I get totally sucked into what I'm doing, and only realise at the point I need to leave that I have to go, but do need to send an email / go to the loo first.
• over preparation as a way of managing (or expressing) stress. Mostly related to when DD was little, I was stuck in a hyper-stressed cycle for a while and would over prep for every outing (snacks, drinks, change of clothes, toys, balls, etc). I also do this if I'm heading to some event I am worried about, whether social or work related. If I've got it into my head that I need another muslin / different pair of shoes, I just can leave until I've gone and got it.
• doing / having too much on. So if I don't do that thing now, even though it will make me late, I won't happen for weeks. So I do it now, and take the lateness hit. I am getting better at pairing down my responsibilities and saying no to stuff. Having kids has forced me to do this.

I'm quite a lot better than I was, but it's still a work in progress to get better at it. Also I do it when it's just me leaving the house, just as much if not more than when I'm leaving with others.

Mornings are like this in my house:

DH: I need to get ready
Me: fucking go and do it, then
DH: are you ready?
Me: always ready

DH: I'm late
Me: what would you like me to do about it?
DH: is DS ready?
Me: YEP, with half an hour to go
DH: can I get you anything from upstairs?

PIL are faffers, too, it's congenital. And it takes them s e v e n h o u r s to do the smallest of tasks.

I married one, love him to bits, but this trait drives me & DD too, to distraction

You've sat there twiddling for 20 minutes, yet now, just as we leave the house, you have to sort out recycling, put a wash on, do the bins or something else you could have done before we were just about to leave you tosspot

We now leave without him, it was either that or divorce

He still looks surprised & hurt though all these years later

This is one thing I definitely don't miss about STBXH.

When I take the dog for a walk I shove phone, poo bags and keys in pocket. Put on coat if necessary, lead on dog and GO!!!!

When STBXH was coming too, he'd faff about, filling water bottles, packing a backpack, wondering what hiking boots to wear. It's not like we'd be going any further, we weren't hiking the Appalachian Trail. In fact dog got longer walks with just me because we had more time.

It drove me nuts, we'd be miles into the woods by now, I'd be muttering at the dog. Dog would agree. Maybe it was a control thing, control is certainly STBXH's preoccupation and life ambition.

Yes, dh and ds do this. It's inherited.

I have to leave them to it and just sit in the car in my phone.

The faffing is painful to watch

I confess, I am a faffer.

But that's only because DH doesn't feel the need to lock the back door, shut the stove off, put the milk back in the fridge etc etc.

Not my fault then, really [pouts]

DH is absolutely like this - it's therapeutic to know I'm not the only one sitting waiting in the car with the DCs packed, seat belted & ready, getting consumed with rage every time we go anywhere. DS(4) has now taken to giving him regular time checks & going back to the house to bellow for him (usually having 'one last wee' - less than 2 minutes after the previous last wee). Of course we love him & he has other redeeming features, but my god it's frustrating.

This is also my dh and whilst he's still faffing I have got myself sorted and three dc under six sorted and we are usually waiting in the car with the eldest shouting hurry up daddy! I now always lie about times we are meeting people because left to him we would always be late....l

my DP is like this and the thing that annoys me most is just as we are finally about to leave he decides to take a dump. he's always in the effing toilet then while I am trying to sort the kids out. Tbh I also now just get in my car and say "I'll see you there"

Depending on someones other qualities, it can be viewed as a foible, or sometimes I wonder if like some other social faults (lateness and unreliability) the people who do this are actually fairly passive-aggressive.

I have had interactions with friends/dated people where I realised that, for whatever reason, I have to spend a lot of my own limited free time putting energy into thinking about jollying them along/organising/checking up on them. Wifework.

(because they are clearly the intellect of Stephen Hawking in disguise and their head space is too important to be taken up with trivial shit like keeping things functioning socially - that's MY job ) .

Life is good without them in it.

Rozalia who said about control from her STBXH I agree.

Sometimes it looks like forgetfulness/an impulse (and perhaps it can be) but it reminds me a bit of a thread where someone said her partner would instigate a phone call for no reason to his brother when it was time to go out and she was all dolled up. Keeping her waiting to keep her in her place, and actually something designed to make her look like the nagging, needy, over-emotional one,

Yep, tigertyger we couldn't go until STBXH was well and truly ready. Countless times I'd be hanging about in the drive while he did God knew what in the house.

When I say "Ready" I mean when hedecided it was time to leave. Not me.

ex mil they used to leave for holidays hours before they actually needed to because she would firmly believe that she has left the iron on or the door unlocked and they would have to return the fact that her mil lived down the road and could check meant nothing to her she had to go back and check once her husband decided enough was enough they were going on holiday she wailed the way there and to the degree she made herself physically ill and ruined the holiday they got a divorce (after he nearly strangled her)

ex used to let me get up dressed ready kids ready then he would swan down and drive them to school they could walk but by the time he finished fussing over whether i had remembered everything (i had) they were late he would then drive them to school and tell everyone i was still asleep (the knob) my friend called him on it one day and said funny she has been on facebook since 6am chatting to me whist doing the shopping and getting the kids sorted

Ah yes, the dog walk. "Let's take the dogs out" says dh. "Good idea" say the dogs. "Come on ds & dd" say I, "we're going on a dog walk" ("we're going to catch a big one" says dd). Ds, dd and I put on our shoes & coats, find the leads & poo bags etc. The dogs mill about by the front door, Ds & dd & I get hot in our outdoor wear, dogs start farting in antici........pation. At the first dog fart dh decides it's time to start looking for his boots, go for a wee and find an interesting article in the New Scientist to red until I accuse him of faffing. At which point I am clearly guilty of unreasonable behaviour since he suggested going out 10 minutes ago and had to wait for us all to get ready. Grrr!

We went to his cousin''s wedding recently, lovely day planned with camping in the evening. I borrowed a tent, packed the car, took the dogs to their sleepover, made sure the kids had everything necessary while dh shaved/showered/admired himself in the bathroom mirror/polished his shoes. When we should have left 10 minutes ago I got the car out, got the kids in, went back in the house to find dh cleaning the walls in the hallway. FFS!

I am guilty of this type of behaviour. I check things a lot and also go back in for things I have forgotten. DH waits in the car. In my defence we have 3 kids under 5 so hard to remember everything usually a coat or nappies for the baby are forgotten and gone back for!! I was quicker when I just had myself to get ready.