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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

signed off work

95 replies

wtfisgoingonhere · 24/09/2015 11:47

I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks with depression.
Background is I've been on and off a/d for several years, dp is going through an ET with former employer (I'm representing him) and currently unable to work due to this causing bad anxiety and depression, had a lot of pressure at work and it finally got too much for me to deal with and I took day off then went to doc who signed me off

Sick note expires tomorrow and returning to see doctor in the morning (on his advice) to review situation

I have been feeling somewhat better, not done much but rested and focused on some hobbies /planning and finalising plans for my sister's hen do but still don't feel 'right'.
I'm still not interested in a lot of things, eating poorly and not exercising despite knowing it's for the best.

I'm already worried as went to a preplanned weekend /night out last weekend with my sister for her birthday and whilst the pictures told a different story, and it was fun, it was also difficult and really tired me out

My concern/aibu is this :
If doctor signs me off for another week that on Thursday (a week today) I go away for my sisters hen do. It's 3 nights away in Europe and (understandably ) she will be 'checking in' and sharing pics on facebook especially as she asked me to arrange a complete surprise do for her, and I worry how this will 'appear' regarding work.

Fwiw me and my sister are extremely close, the hen has been planned for almost a year, and I do have (limited) colleagues as friends on Facebook

I guess I'm worried as I don't feel up to going back to work yet but at the same time on a good day I feel guilty being off

Wwyd

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/09/2015 11:55

Edit your privacy settings on facebook so your colleagues can't see any of the pictures

OneDay103 · 24/09/2015 11:59

Well it's really not going to come off great to your colleagues if you can be seen partying it up but off from work, and that will be how they will see it.

Babyroobs · 24/09/2015 12:05

I agree with Oneday. A colleague of mine was signed off sick with stress 2 weeks ago. People were reasonably sympathetic until phtos started going up on fb of what she was up to on her sick leave.Whilst no-one expects her to be confined to the house, I equally think no-one wants to see her chilling in various locations whilst they get more stressed covering her work shifts. Like pp says I would put your fb settings to maximum privacy so they can't see.

ForeverLivingMyArse · 24/09/2015 12:09

Just ditch the colleagues on Facebook and set your privacy as high as possible and pre approve any pictures you are tagged in

Original poster
wtfisgoingonhere · 24/09/2015 12:23

Even if i change my settings friends/colleagues will know I'm away anyway as I've had the leave booked since December /January

Wwyd then, not go away?

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 24/09/2015 12:26

If it was me I would either go back to work and then go for the hen do or not go to work and also not the hen do. Only you know what your situation is like.
If you do get signed off and still go on the do, would you even have a good time worrying about it all?

QueenStromba · 24/09/2015 12:30

Mental illness isn't like the flu though. If you're depressed then sitting at home all day doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. I'd say don't go back to work if you're not up to it and do go to the hen do - it'll do you good. If you're worried about what work will think then ask your GP to put in the sick note that he recommends that you go to the hen do as it will improve your depression.

chipsandpeas · 24/09/2015 12:31

if you decided to go i would deactivate facebook for the time you are away, dont let yourself get in any pictures that are likely to be posted

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 24/09/2015 12:31

Tbh I'd either deactivate your Facebook account completely or not go on the hen do.

It's one thing being signed off work and going out for a coffee or even an evening at the pub, it's quite another being 'checked in' on Facebook in a European destination, on a hen do.

I know this won't be a popular view but I'd be mightily unimpressed if I were one of your colleagues.

OneDay103 · 24/09/2015 12:33

I really wonder what gp is going to put going to a hen do in a sick noteHmm

Anyway as DrGoogle says there's a difference going about your normal activities and going foe a weekend of partying.

ALittleFaith · 24/09/2015 12:38

I was off for 6 weeks with similar. I had a hen do (very good friend rather than sibling) and I had to cancel. Two reasons - one, because I was worried about what people would think and two - I couldn't function well enough to actually go. You could deactivate Facebook for a bit?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 24/09/2015 12:38

Your GP should be advising you to give alcohol a huge swerve, it makes depression and anxiety worse. No GP worth their salt is going to write on a sick note that they advise going on a hen do Grin.

rainpouringrainbows · 24/09/2015 12:38

You are the reason why people don't take mental illness seriously.

No one expects you to be locked in your room all day, but if you are fit enough to party and go on holiday, you are fit enough to go to work. If you can't stand your current job, find another one.

You don't feel up to going back to work, but neither do most people, they just make the effort.

Do you really expect your work colleague, dealing with your current workload, to be happy to see photos of you abroad? Delete your FB account if you want to keep your private life private.

Original poster
wtfisgoingonhere · 24/09/2015 12:40

I did tell the doctor last week I was anxious about if I wasn't back at work for the hen and he said he couldn't see it being a problem if I've had it booked a while and it would probably do me good Confused

I guess I'll see if he will sign me back on then as my sister would be devastated if I didn't go

Plus as she asked me to arrange it all the bookings are in my name

OP posts:
jokinnear · 24/09/2015 12:43

Sorry. does this
dp is going through an ET with former employer (I'm representing him) and currently unable to work due to this causing bad anxiety and depression

mean its the reason you're unable to work, or is it that your DP is unable to work?

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of sympathy, either way.

'I'm already worried as went to a preplanned weekend /night out last weekend with my sister for her birthday and whilst the pictures told a different story, and it was fun, it was also difficult and really tired me out'

I think if anyone said they one of the reasons they couldn't work was because they were tired from a birthday night out with their sister, I'd be hard pressed to be sympathetic IRL, either, where you have to be nicer than here.

Fair play to you, but if you want to go away, either don't put it on FB or be prepared for your colleagues to make judgements.

sherbetpips · 24/09/2015 12:43

Looking at this purely from a HR point of view, if you are fit enough to socialise you are fit enough to work. So if you are caught out you could go through a disciplinary.

If you are not right then you need to rest and relax and a hen do is not the place to do that. Focus on what you need to do to recover and get back to work fit and healthy.

hooliodancer · 24/09/2015 12:47

I think you need to go to the hen do, but maybe tell work this is what you are going to do, and explain your reasons for going. After all, you are using holiday for it.

But still up your privacy settings on Facebook.

Original poster
wtfisgoingonhere · 24/09/2015 12:49

Dr google

I'm not suggesting doctor writes it on sick note but equally I'm not drinking. It's a relaxing break in a luxury hotel

rainbows

Thank you for your sensitive comments - I already feel bad enough about the stigma I get to 'get over it' as people don't understand mental illness.
I don't hate my job, in fact I really enjoy it but right now it's difficult for me to focus on things for long

I'm glad you think I'm at fault for people's perception of mental illness.
I didn't say 'I don't feel like going to work' and I seriously hope you don't think that's what depression is
I also don't feel much like partying but I also don't want to upset my sister

I was just asking for some advice to balance
My mental wellbeing
My sister's happiness
My employers/colleagues view of me

OP posts:
Fromparistoberlin73 · 24/09/2015 12:52

I am in the same camp, you cant go on a Hen do holiday and NOT work. Maybe do reduced hours?

and yeah de-activate Facebook- and warn sister as if they decide to get rid for any reason this is the kind of thing they look for

I am not unsympathetic BTW- but this really reads like you see your sisters hen do as more important than work. Its not! work pays the bills and keeps you secure and your focus needs to be getting better for work, esp if your OH is not working either.

I think you are better of asking to get signed off a for a gradual return to work

Also,. you really need to question leading this ET. If its making you to ill to work.....that's completely counterproductive my dear!

Original poster
wtfisgoingonhere · 24/09/2015 12:55

Jokinear
I'm not suggesting I'm taking time off for being tired just that it tired me out going out socialising
Re the first part:
My dh is signed off for anxiety and depression (he was dismissed for this and I'm representing him at tribunal )
I am signed off with depression

Sherbet pips
I don't know what you mean about being caught out - work know I've had leave booked for this for ages and if i DO go I will tell them I am going - I'm not suggesting it's a secret

Does HR really take that stance? That if I can travel then I should be at work?
I'll make some calls this afternoon then

OP posts:
CarrotVan · 24/09/2015 12:56

^I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks with depression.
Background is I've been on and off a/d for several years, dp is going through an ET with former employer (I'm representing him) and currently unable to work due to this causing bad anxiety and depression, had a lot of pressure at work and it finally got too much for me to deal with and I took day off then went to doc who signed me off^

So the main reason for your sick leave is the stress of the ET not stress at work? When will this conclude and are you the right person to be involved given the issues it's causing you?

It's fine to go on holiday whilst off work sick if the reason you're off is work stress. It's a lot less fine if you're off sick due to self-inflicted stress (ET and planning a hen night). You should be trying to manage your stress to allow you to return to work as soon as possible which may involve dropping stressful activities.

You could ask to be signed off until Wednesday if you really don't feel able to go back into work, take your leave as planned (so not as part of sick leave) and then return to work a week on Monday. No-one can argue with that

kelda · 24/09/2015 12:59

Difficult one.

Being mentally fit enough for work and going to a weekend away are two very different things. Some doctors will encourage you to go on a planned holiday during sick leave.

If you do go on the hen do, I don't think you will enjoy it. You will be too worried about photos on FB (even if you deactivate your account there may be photos on other people's accounts), and you may feel guilty.

Also your colleagues will be judgemental. I had two sick days a couple of weeks ago, the first time this year. Someone saw me 'walking the dog', and this went round work like wildfire. I was furious. I didn't go out 'walking the dog' but while on sick leave I still had to take the children to the GP, go to the pharmacy, and pick the children up from school - which is where I was seen with the dog. I wouldn't have gone out to a restaurant or to a pub on sick leave, but then I was sick with a temperature and not depression.

QueenStromba · 24/09/2015 12:59

So depressed people should sit at home all day and not see their friends Sherbertpip? You really think that will help?

CarrotVan · 24/09/2015 12:59

HR will take a more a nuanced view than "can travel = fit for work" as should management.

I've recently had a member of staff off with anxiety and depression where work stress was a factor. During her time off she went on a pre-booked family holiday. We gave her back those days of annual leave because in our view she was off sick for those days not on leave. What she chose to do with that time was not our business. But that's because work stress was a factor for her

Fromparistoberlin73 · 24/09/2015 13:01

OP, as given both you and your DH have been signed off. I think a Hen weekend is the least of your worries

Seriously, is handling this ET going to work for you? Now YOU are missing paid work , to do his ET! It doesn't make sense. And you have already seen that people get unfairly dismissed for this (and its shit)

Please shift your focus into getting fit for YOUR work, and getting the help you need- as frankly indefinitely being signed off wont help if you get consumed his your husbands ET