signed off work

[wtfisgoingonhere]

I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks with depression.
Background is I've been on and off a/d for several years, dp is going through an ET with former employer (I'm representing him) and currently unable to work due to this causing bad anxiety and depression, had a lot of pressure at work and it finally got too much for me to deal with and I took day off then went to doc who signed me off

Sick note expires tomorrow and returning to see doctor in the morning (on his advice) to review situation

I have been feeling somewhat better, not done much but rested and focused on some hobbies /planning and finalising plans for my sister's hen do but still don't feel 'right'.
I'm still not interested in a lot of things, eating poorly and not exercising despite knowing it's for the best.

I'm already worried as went to a preplanned weekend /night out last weekend with my sister for her birthday and whilst the pictures told a different story, and it was fun, it was also difficult and really tired me out

My concern/aibu is this :
If doctor signs me off for another week that on Thursday (a week today) I go away for my sisters hen do. It's 3 nights away in Europe and (understandably ) she will be 'checking in' and sharing pics on facebook especially as she asked me to arrange a complete surprise do for her, and I worry how this will 'appear' regarding work.

Fwiw me and my sister are extremely close, the hen has been planned for almost a year, and I do have (limited) colleagues as friends on Facebook

I guess I'm worried as I don't feel up to going back to work yet but at the same time on a good day I feel guilty being off

Wwyd

If your relationship with your employer could potentially be at risk because of (legitimate) time off sick it seems best not to push it by going on a hen do, however sedate.

Also think it seems an unwise decision to get so involved in your H's tribunal case when you already had a lot on your plate.

Is it the phrase 'hen do' that is bothering people? It's hardly strippers and flaming sambuca shots.

Queen the colleagues won't know that she is going to be going for the spa break. Unless the op is going to explain the details, yes a hen do means a party.

I'd avoid having the pictures with you in them from getting to your colleagues, however you do it. It's just sensible. That way you don't have to get into the worry of what people may or may not think. The question of whether you go back or not seems separate to this.

OP - you said your sick note expires soon and you'll need to arrange a new one and contact your employer to advise that you're still unwell. Can you arrange for a brief meeting or telephone call with either your line manager or HR rep to explain the situation? You have a pre-booked holiday and, having discussed your health with your GP, they agree that it will help you to maintain your mental health. It might be a hen party in name, but you're actually going to be receiving spa treatments, getting some downtime and eating well and looking after yourself so you can be back at work as soon as possible - not downing pitchers of cocktails and dancing on the tables. Being open and honest goes a long way and is part of taking responsibility.

Then do the sensible thing and adjust your FB privacy settings. There's no need to be getting your work and personal lives mixed.

I have bipolar and mostly have bad depressive episodes. I agree that getting out once you're in the road to recovery is a good thing, but a hen do in Europe is completely different. If I was well enough to go, i would be well enough to do a phased return to work.

However, everyone is different. Regardless, I wouldn't go and I certainly wouldn't advertise it on Facebook.

oTOH. You said that even if you deactivate Facebook, colleagues will still know you went. How? You don't have to share this with them?

That should have said 'regardless, I wouldn't put it on Facebook.'
That's just asking for trouble.

Yes I agree

I think shiteforbrains is right (fabulous name, BTW). It does read a little like you aren't able to cope with the stress of your workload because you are also doing some much for other people - there's a certain point when your employers can expect you to put being able to do your work first, above other responsibilities you've taken on.

Would it be possible for you to return to work part time /with a greatly reduced workload?

I've been off sick with depression too. You need to do whatever is going to help you get better.

I agree with PPs re privacy settings.

Option 4: Go back to work on Monday for 3 days, take your annual leave to go to the hen party as planned, and then get signed off again either immediately or a week after your return.

Not sure what I would do...I know it's not fair, but I do think it would look bad if you went while signed off.

Ask the doctor - tell him everything you have said here and see what he says. I have been away whilst off sick, and also on a phased return. It was a restful weekend which I really needed. Your colleagues should not know why you are off work anyway so its irrelevant if they see you away - if you had cancer and chemo would people be saying the same thing? I doubt it!!
Personally I would say go - what is best for you is the important thing. People are always going to judge you irrepsective

There is no way on earth I would go on a hen do whilst being off sick from work and if one of my employees did that I would be very concerned indeed.

OP, are you confident that being signed off for 1 more week will be sufficient to get you back to being able to work? If so, then perhaps you should take the extra week, have your weekend away and return to your regular working hours as soon as you're back. It's the responsible thing to get your health back, and you've esrned your holiday leave.

But be mindful that if you do get signed off next week and the go to the hen, you really must make every effort to get straight back to work. Aanything other than that will be regarded as taking the piss.

And I do urge you to see if there are alternatives to representing your DH at the ET. The stress on you both must be terrible, and your mental health (and secure employment) needs to be given priority.

I would suggest a phased return to work. Don't get signed off sick and then rock up at a 3 day hen unless you want to be on the dole with your OH.

I think it's the overseas element that is bothering people (and most likely to bother your colleagues). You are not on long-term sick leave - you've only been off 2 and a half weeks so far, according to your original post. Presumably you have already booked the leave from work?

You need to prioritise your own health and make sure that you are fit for work.

Another thought, are you worried about letting your sister down by not going? could it be that this is part of the bigger issue, taking on more than you can cope with and then not wanting to let anyone down, so the 'easier' option of one to drop of work gets cut... It was a big thing for your sister to ask you to arrange a complete surprise hen do, I assume this means she did none of the work arranging and planning it, getting you to do it all? Is it that people are used to you being someone they can lean on and you always 'cope'?

You need to start putting yourself first, including not risking your job in order to not let anyone else down.

I worry about what people think when I'm out of the house when signed off. I have an invisible disability (as well as mental health issues, but they don't affect my work, so I know this is different to the OP). Sitting at home all day would be disastrous to my health though, I'd get worse and not better.

I forced myself back to work before I felt ready because I worried what people would think when we travelled for a family wedding (we were driven there by a relative and stayed at their house so no trains or walking etc - if it had been on public transport/hotel I may have stayed at home) - I went back for a couple of weeks, took my leave as planned and then returned, but only lasted a week before going off sick again. I made myself much worse by forcing myself back early, and now I've been signed off for longer, so it totally backfired.

Again that's a physical illness not MH but MH problems are just as real as physical ones. But they're easier to judge, sadly :(

I suspect the anxiety about attending the hen do whilst being off sick would make you worse, so if you think you can manage the job just about id personally go back rather than miss the do, but legally you should be fine to go without going back.

I sympathise, OP, I had issues with some colleagues complaining about me being seen at the park with my daughter, shopping in the town centre, and on my (pre-booked by 6 months) family holiday whilst signed off due to anxiety and depression last year.

My GP and CPN advised that I leave the house everyday, although the effort from minimal socialisation involved often left me mentally and emotionally drained, as otherwise I would have become a shut-in and that would have done my mental health no favours. When I mentioned that people had been giving me grief about having done these things to my CPN, he told me that I was too ill too work, not too ill to have a life. Luckily my line manager happens to be a mental health nurse in addition to a paediatric one and agreed with him. If any complaints were made to my manager or HR then I never had any repercussions from them.

I made a Facebook post explaining that my absence from work was due to anxiety and depression, that this meant I was unable to work due to this and the high level of panic attacks it was causing, that it also made difficult lots of activities of daily living but that all the professionals involved in caring for my mental health agreed that I needed to make the effort to leave the house and do things daily both for my health and for my daughter, so those people (who knew who they were) who feel I shouldn't do these things while off sick could fuck right off. I left it 24 hours and then made everyone from work 'restricted' so they couldn't see anything else I posted or was tagged in. No one ever said anything negative to me about it again, and I got lots of supportive messages from family, friends and a few colleagues who had also suffered.

So yes, sorry for the long-windedness, but my advice to you is:
You are too ill to work, that does not mean you are too ill to have a life, block them or put them on restricted profile on Facebook so you don't have to worry if anyone tags you in any photos, and be kind to yourself. If you feel well enough, a phased return to work/light duties may help (I got to the point where I was so anxious about coping with returning to work that the worry of that was making me ill, if that makes sense).

I've battled on and off with depression and anxiety for a number of years.

I was signed off work a number of times and on a good day still socialised (nights out etc.) there were occasions where the thought of meeting friends in a restaurant or pub gave me crippling anxiety but I went anyway and ended up feeling much better for it.

A few times I returned to work earlier than I felt ready to as I was worried about what people would think and how long I'd had off, only to make myself worse due to lack of concentration, emotions all over the place and then feeling angry at myself for still not being able to cope.

If you're not ready to return to work then don't... And if you want to go on a spa break then go, it will probably do you some good.

No one would think twice about a lorry driver being signed off with a cast on their leg being abroad for a weekend as it's obvious they cannot fulfil their work duties. Mental illness should not be any different in that regard just because your illness cannot be seen.

Phased return definitely helps, I had a day off midweek so it broke my week up and I just had to make it to the next day off.

I've already been flamed on here for a post on a similar thread but I still believe that there are limits to what is ok.

I understand that you have anxiety and depression and need to be off work. You said that you had a lot of pressure at work so had to be signed off sick. (If it is a pressured job, maybe it's not the right job for you?). Either way the chances are your colleagues are having to pick up the slack. More pressure for them.

So far everyone would be sympathetic. As it's depression then you need to make yourself go out and about. Go out for coffee, the cinema, a walk with DD or the dog, shopping etc. All ok.

But somehow 'big' nights out like pubs, clubs and yes, hen nights are a step too far IMO. It's how it looks really.

Pubs are synonymous with boozy nights out, even if you're actually only on coffee. Same with clubs. Similarly hen nights. Not everyone will know all the details, that it's an alcohol free spa weekend. Just that they have more work and you're off on a jolly.