signed off work

[wtfisgoingonhere]

I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks with depression.
Background is I've been on and off a/d for several years, dp is going through an ET with former employer (I'm representing him) and currently unable to work due to this causing bad anxiety and depression, had a lot of pressure at work and it finally got too much for me to deal with and I took day off then went to doc who signed me off

Sick note expires tomorrow and returning to see doctor in the morning (on his advice) to review situation

I have been feeling somewhat better, not done much but rested and focused on some hobbies /planning and finalising plans for my sister's hen do but still don't feel 'right'.
I'm still not interested in a lot of things, eating poorly and not exercising despite knowing it's for the best.

I'm already worried as went to a preplanned weekend /night out last weekend with my sister for her birthday and whilst the pictures told a different story, and it was fun, it was also difficult and really tired me out

My concern/aibu is this :
If doctor signs me off for another week that on Thursday (a week today) I go away for my sisters hen do. It's 3 nights away in Europe and (understandably ) she will be 'checking in' and sharing pics on facebook especially as she asked me to arrange a complete surprise do for her, and I worry how this will 'appear' regarding work.

Fwiw me and my sister are extremely close, the hen has been planned for almost a year, and I do have (limited) colleagues as friends on Facebook

I guess I'm worried as I don't feel up to going back to work yet but at the same time on a good day I feel guilty being off

Wwyd

If you feel up to it, one option could be to try going in on a phased return/reduced hours? It's a bit less all-or-nothing, and GP can write you a note for it.

I do take depression very very seriously, I barely quoted YOUR sentence "I guess I'm worried as I don't feel up to going back to work yet but at the same time on a good day I feel guilty being off "

As stated above, you cannot have it both ways. Either you are unwell (and need to recover) or you are well (enough to party AND enough to work).

The reasons why people don't understand mental illness is that 1) it can't be seen, but more importantly 2) SOME sufferers pick and chose what they can and can't do - you for example, who can organise hen nights and holidays, fit to travel but work is too much effort.

Put yourself in your colleague shoes, what would you think if it was someone else?

Hi, I was off last year with crippling depression. I was able, much further down the road, to go to a cafe to meet friends etc. However, a hen do, no way! It'd be really out of order to go to this while signed off. I stayed off social media when off sick too.

I doubt the OP particularly wants to go on this hen do (other than she doesn't want to let her sister down) but it will do her good to get away from everything for a few days. That's not picking and choosing, it's doing things to help her recovery. Depressed people should be out getting exercise and seeing people - being just about able to get showered, dressed and out of the house for something that should improve your mood is completely different to being able to drag yourself out of bed to go sit in an office for 8 hours.

And I agree, phased return would be a good option.

I also think a phased return would be a good idea.
Also if you are sick enough to be off how are you managing to take on a ET. Sounds like you are choosing what work you can be doing.
From your colleague and employer pov it does seem like you are taking the Piss, I mean a hen do but not able to come to work? That itself says a lot.

Given that one night out was 'difficult and really tired me out' I'm not sure how anyone could come to the conclusion that a hen do abroad will do her good.

I can't get my head around why you're even contemplating this. OP if you and your sister are that close, then she knows how unwell you are and surely she'll completely understand if you're not able to go on her hen do?

I was off work for weeks with depression and anxiety after failed ivfs.
I couldn't go anywhere.
I could barely leave the house never mind socialise.
If I were your colleague I would judge , big time.

Work stress IS an issue

Doing ET is because we are trying to compensate for the money lost by dh being dismissed. We have no other option, and I'm not signed off to deal with this but mentioned it as it is a stressful factor and I'm able to cope currently slightly better than dh

My sister is amazing but doesn't fully understand depression

My gp is very supportive of getting me out and about and encouraged me to go out and run even though I was worried I'd be 'seen' and did encourage me to go on sister's hen

I have been keeping off social media

I wanted opinions as one of my issues us at the moment I just don't care about anything . I feel numb and useless

I'll go back Monday then

OP also said that the night out was fun even if it was difficult. She's also said that the hen do is a spa weekend with her sister who she is close to rather than a huge social event.

I've had depression bad enough that it was a good day if I managed to have a shower. Staying in bed was the 'easy option' and I didn't start getting better until my friends started dragging me out to do stuff. I hated leaving the house but a night out did me good. Most of you seem to want the OP to hide under the duvet which will do her no good at all.

Go to your GP and be honest - they will tell you what they think you can and can't do at the moment. Request an occupational health assessment at work and give permission for them to contact your GP. This is a really clear sign to your managers that you aren't taking the piss.

FWIW it sounds as though you've taken on some stressful pieces of unpaid work at a time when your health is fragile and as a result you're unable to cope with your paid work. As an employer I would be unhappy at paying you to use your work capacity on other things. As your GP I'd be concerned that you're spreading yourself too thin and compromising your health.

Queen no off course the op should go and it's good but can you really not see the difference between a weekend hen do and a night out with friends?

Where would you draw the line around what you can or can't do?

I think you need to work out which option will cause you the least stress.

Option 1
Go back Monday - no worry about going on hen night being used against you but you are faced with work stresses again

Option 2
Signed off until Thursday, use annual leave for the hen do and return to work after the hen do - I think this possibly the best option. You get a bit more time to recover off sick and then you have a normal holiday from work.

Option 3
Go on the hen do whilst off sick - It is entirely possible to legitimately go on holiday whilst being off sick. However, there is a risk that it will upset colleagues if they find out and might well make your work environment less pleasant.

Can you get some representation for your DH. Some law centres and the Free Representation Unit might be able to help which would take some pressure off you.
www.thefru.org.uk/

What is the least worst option here? If you really want to go on the hen do then I agree with others that you should maybe try a phased return to work first, even if you just go in for a couple of hours a day it still shows that you're trying.
If you would rather not go on the hen do because you don't feel well enough then you need to be honest with your sister and explain why you aren't coming.
It does sound as though representing your husband is causing you significantly stress and consequently may put your own employment at risk. This is not a good idea, especially if you've been in your job less than two years. How realistic is it that you will win the case for your husband? Have you had the case assessed by a professional and likely financial awards calculated? Because unless you have a very good case it may be that you risk losing more than you gain by going to ET.

With depression you should do everything that you feel up to doing and a few things you don't. A night out or a spa weekend with your sister are very different to a stressful job. People on here normally say not to put your work above your mental health but telling the OP to either not go on the spa weekend or go back to work when she doesn't feel up to it is telling her to put her work above her mental health.

Theres a lot of igorance about mental illness on this thread. You people do realise that it's not the same as physical illness don't you? And that for someone with depression being cooped up in the house all day is only likely to make you feel worse.

As Chaz said, it is not illegal to go on holiday whilst being paid sick pay. I do think it is likely to cause bad feelings where you work though.

I am not expecting the OP to hide under the duvet by any means, I know from experience that colleagues can be less than understanding when it happens (previously in HR).

OP, you would be wise to find other representation for your husband for his tribunal, if it's not doing you any good then it is not worth doing - there is no point in doing something that makes your own health worse and risks your own job.

We cannot get any help re legal fees/tribunal. We have sent a without prejudice letter and hope they will settle

I have been in my job 7 years

I'll tall to Gp and ask to go back to work and if he thinks phased return would be advisable

I really am amazed that so many people think that someone with stress related depression shouldn't be going on a relaxing break when they are off sick. It's like saying that people who are off work injured shouldn't be doing physiotherapy because if they can do exercise they're able to work.

Yeah, I don't think anyone is suggesting that the op stay in. Getting out is vital to recovery. But going on a hen do is not going to look good. Tbh, when I was off with depression, which included a stay as an inpatient, a trip to a coffee shop was aa big enough deal. No way could I or would I have gone on a night out or a weekend away, other than to a quiet cottage with family at a push.

They're not going to Ibiza, they're going to a relaxing, luxury hotel!

If she feels up to it she should go as she'll feel better for it.

OP - don't ask to go back to work. Tell the GP honestly how you are feeling and ask if they think you are ready to go back or not. If they say they think you are ready then ask about phased return. Fit notes are more nuanced than the old off sick or in work notes. They can say "fit to work if 1 day a week at home, if hours are adjusted to avoid rush hour, if able to take regular 20 minute breaks for CBT exercises" etc

I don't think anyone is saying OP should stay cooped up inside when she's off sick, but going to the shops or out for a walk or for coffee is very different to going off on a hen weekend.

I have depression and anxiety (currently under control after CBT and medication) and I would have felt horribly guilty going out on someone's hen do if I was signed off work with it. Yes, going out and socialising helps with depression but that's not the same as going away for the weekend for a big hen do.

And I did go to Ibiza when I was still recovering from my bad bout of depression and felt a lot better for it. So even if she was going to Ibiza I would still be saying that if she feels up to it then she should go.