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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

being camp?

76 replies

realitybitesyourbum · 23/09/2015 11:57

This may come uncross very un PC, but i am asking so i do the right thing, so please consider that in your replies!
I work in an industry employing people working with children. I sometimes employ gay men, no problem at all.
Would it be unacceptable to ask a gay man to try not to be camp, when working? Some of the parents don't like it (That may be a discussion for another day, the rights and wrongs of that, but that is how it is right now).

Is it possible to not be camp? I know lots of gay men who can camp it up for a laugh or whatever, and i know lots of gay men who aren't camp at all....and i definitely wouldn't want to offend anyone, so if it would be terrible to ask in a nice way? Or completely wrong and i shouldn't mention it at all. (Even if the person would potentially get more work?)

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/09/2015 12:02

Of course you can't mention it! And what's their sexuality got to do with you? If you don't like their manner at interview then don't employ them

MephistophelesApprentice · 23/09/2015 12:03

I have seldom seen a positive response or benefit to asking someone to tone down elements of their personality that they regard as entirely natural an unaffected.

mojitomother · 23/09/2015 12:04

To be honest I'm not really sure you can mention until you know the person very, very well... Even then it may not be advisable! I do know what you mean, I think, in that campness is often a conscious decision made by men regardless of sexuality but I think it could be seen as asking someone to repress who they are as a person!

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 12:06

Would it be unacceptable to ask a gay man to try not to be camp, when working? Some of the parents don't like it

Then they'll have to get over it, won't they?

CocktailQueen · 23/09/2015 12:06

Hmm, very tricky. You could say, as part of a performance appraisal, if you are his line manager, 'some clients have found some of your mannerisms over the top. They would hire you more if you toned them down'.

Is that the same as telling someone something like 'you can be quite abrupt in meetings. I would prefer it if you listened more to other people's opinions'?

OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 12:07

What sort of stuff are they objecting to?

wowfudge · 23/09/2015 12:08

A person can be camp without being gay. I can't believe you're actually asking this.

MTPurse · 23/09/2015 12:08

Is this a wind up? How can you possibly ask anyone to not 'be themselves'

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 12:09

Urm okay do the parents think the kids will catch the gay or something do they say things like screaming queen and what not. campest man I know is a manager of playservices i went to college with him a milion years ago when he first came out he tried to tone down but its stilting personality really

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 12:11

Can you explain what is so wrong with being camp that you're even considering pandering to these parents?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 23/09/2015 12:12

You truly cannot say or even allude to this without being aware of the risk of a successful Employment Trubunal claim

jorahmormont · 23/09/2015 12:13

Seriously? Are they worried their kids will 'catch gay'?

If parents don't like it, they can take their kids elsewhere or get over themselves.

One of my closest friends, and DD's godfather, is gay, and camp. He is also one of the nicest people you will ever meet, and is training to be a teacher, and will be bloody fantastic at it.

One of the best teachers I ever had was incredibly camp, and was so popular with his students because of it.

My brother is very camp, and wants to work with children.

If any of these three were told to 'tone down' their campness, everyone who knows them would be furious. It's a ridiculous request.

TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 12:13

Blimey, OP.

No, you canNOT ask a gay person not to be camp. If the parent's don't like it, they can piss off. Are they afraid their child will be infected with TEH GAY?

A lot of people have natural mannerisms that are very outlandish or irritating. You can't police that. I actually worked with a guy that was very "camp" but was actually straight. It's just the way he was.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 12:14

I dont know what too camp is really what sort of complaints are you getting ?

thelittleredhen · 23/09/2015 12:15

I think that I'd mention to the parents that you can't catch gay. If the man in question isn't doing his job properly, then by all means have a word.

This reminds me of my friend (Northern lass) saying that the parents from her southern nursery wondered why their children were coming home says bath and grass with the short a sound.

Perhaps you should try asking this question on a professional message board to see how other nursery settings have dealt with this (ie how can you help parents to get over it)

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 23/09/2015 12:15

Sadly my mother thought my son 'caught the gay' from pushing a pram as a toddler! So some people really do think like that!!
He's actually gender fluid and a beautiful person.
In answer to your aibu would you ask a person with a lisp not to do it or someone with a limp to walk straight? There is a problem but it's not with any camp person it's with your clients

JasperDamerel · 23/09/2015 12:16

If he behaving in a manner inappropriate to the workplace, you can ask him to stop, but it sounds as though he is behaving appropriately but with camp mannerisms. I can't see that being a problem at all in that sort of setting.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2015 12:17

My nephew is 8 and camp, always has been (well since toddlerhood anyway). Bollocks is it 'a concious decision.' No idea if he's gay, he's 8. My camp neighbour is married with 2 kids.

Would you act if the parents complained that a female employee is "too butch"?

OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 12:17

If the behavior is really full on, in your face, over the top then yanbu. That would apply whether someone is Gay or not.
You need to expand on what the behaviour is.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2015 12:18

This reminds me of when some parents at my son's primary school, asked the head teacher if she could get the class teacher to (and I kid you not) "Tone down the African a bit"

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 23/09/2015 12:18

I know two completely (happily married with children) heterosexual men who are very camp.

Would you ask them to tone it down?

If not then it's discrimination.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 12:21

Whats full on though ? What would be considered too camp, my step dad thought dd would catch the gay because she got cars and a road matt for her 3rd christmas

OnlyLovers · 23/09/2015 12:22

Good luck asking them to 'tone down' their own personality/manner.

I'd imagine you'd next see them in a tribunal.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 12:22

tone down the african

CreepyLittleBat · 23/09/2015 12:24

You can't say that! Stuff the closed minded parents. Gay kids need role models too, and they need to see they're not alone.

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