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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a polite message back?

82 replies

mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:35

Was collared by an old friend last week who had a lot of grievances to air against me. She has a long history of this and her claims were very me-me-me and quite ridiculous. I was so shocked at the time that I couldn't defend myself but know deep down that that's what she's like and she won't listen to any thing I say in my defence. Wrote a few therapeutic letters which I was going to send but have now decided against it. She has since messaged me saying how it was very healthy for her to get everything out!

We are in a wider group of friends, all of whom know my side and I think find her behaviour just as unreasonable as I do. So for that sake I don't think I should completely cut her off.

I don't know what to do though. Do I say anything back? Either way she's not going to change so I'm torn. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Booyaka · 22/09/2015 23:36

Send the letters. And then call her to tell her how healthy it made you feel. Simple.

Original poster
mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:37

For reference, we went through a brief period of not speaking. While I don't want to actually communicate with her right now, I don't want to "ignore" her (stupid friendship politics), what do I do? She's a terminally selfish person who is very set in her ways and has a history of losing friends. I thiiiink I am the closest one she has behaved like this to though

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Original poster
mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:38

Booyaka I would but I just can't take the aggro! She'll find some other way to twist things and it will just turn into another Cold War, I'm too old for this shit Grin

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Clobbered · 22/09/2015 23:39

I think you are better off leaving things as they are and rising above all this. If your other friends know her form for this sort of behaviour, they aren't going to take any notice if she says anything to them, and I don't think you will help yourself or her by being drawn into any further discussion. She sounds a bit unhinged, so I would just let it drop. She's had her venting session, and now it's over, so don't respond. Sounds like it was your turn to get it in the neck, and she'll soon move on to someone else!

Original poster
mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:40

Ha clobbered it has been my turn for a long time now so this was the last straw! Ok I will leave. I will be told off for not being a good friend and ignoring her but frankly I don't think it's me who's not being a good friend Hmm

Please please pray that karma bites her in the ass

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maddening · 22/09/2015 23:44

what were her grievances?

Autumnnights1 · 22/09/2015 23:44

Your side, her side. just dont enter into it. Dont take the aggro.

Never talk about her again and tell that to all who asks

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 22/09/2015 23:46

Cut all ties with the daft bint and never look back! Immature insanity!

Fatmomma99 · 22/09/2015 23:50

Is she my sister?

I feel your pain!

There comes a point where engaging is worse (just how many times can you be called a liar and a bitch?) Opps... too much personal, too much personal.... You end up doing what you need to do to protect yourself, and you have to do what's right for you, and hope that the wider world knows enough to understand the accusations aren't real.

Original poster
mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:51

maddening her grievances were that I had been a terrible friend to her, having not seen her as much as I could since she moved to my city (her expectations were every single night; I was working shifts!). Her other grievance was that I'm not always on time. I accepted this and apologised (sincerely), but she handily ignored every single time she has broken each of these rules herself. She also ignored all the effort I had made for her when she was going through difficult times (huge effort!) and the lack of effort she put in to support me. She only saw what she wanted to see. She made things up to support her story and twisted events eg apparently when I did invite her to things, it didn't count because she didn't enjoy it and disliked my other friends Hmm No mention of her returning the favour though...

I can guarantee that if I said 10% of what she told me, she would have gone nuclear and walked out.

She had lined up all the times she has supported me in the past and used them as a stuck to beat me with. She obviously resents them/me a lot.

In her eyes she is an excellent friend and I fall short of the exacting standards she requires of a "best friend". Our other friends are not judged to the same standards though I wonder why?

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Original poster
mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:54

A tiny part of me (OK a large part) is itching to treat her the way she has treated me for so long. Trying to be the bigger person though. Please tell me withdrawal of the friendship will be punishment enough?!

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Helpmeoutofthemaze · 23/09/2015 00:02

I'd cut her off without explanation. I wouldn't reply to her communications. I'd tell the rest of the friends why though. What a self obsessed twat she sounds.

wowfudge · 23/09/2015 00:15

Ugh - best avoided I'd say. Your letter writing has been cathartic, but you are quite right not to actually send them. Once you do that, she shares them with other friends and, of course, it's all one-sided and you are the bad guy.

If she tries the same at some point in the future I'd point out that unless she is prepared to listen to all her shortcomings as you see them she should button it.

Original poster
mojitomother · 23/09/2015 00:22

Thanks, really good advice!

To people like her ever really get their comeuppance though?! It's not nice that she's obviously sad and not in a good place, but oh how blissful to sail through life treating everyone like shit whilst thinking you're the perfect friend! This has been playing on my mind for days now when I am (I think) the one who has been unfairly attacked. She has probably thought about it for a sum total of five minutes. I actually feel a huge amount of anger towards her... Blush

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zzzzz · 23/09/2015 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Autumnnights1 · 23/09/2015 00:34

Just dont speak to her, silence is golden.

TendonQueen · 23/09/2015 00:44

I know what you mean about people who think they've been great and sail on criticising others unfairly. They tend not to learn and sadly don't necessarily get their comeuppance (at least not for four years so far in my experience).

I would be tempted to reply with 'Since I've evidently been such a terrible friend to you, I will stay out of your life from now on and then we both know where we stand'.

Original poster
mojitomother · 23/09/2015 00:53

I'm not sure whether responding would be a good idea though, it has been a few days and she honestly just doesn't get it. I really want revenge actually Blush God I sound like a headcase

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Original poster
mojitomother · 23/09/2015 00:54

Anything I send her would just be further proof that I'm a "terrible friend"! I guess u should be thankful that I no longer have to see her

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Original poster
mojitomother · 23/09/2015 00:54

I should be thankful

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TendonQueen · 23/09/2015 00:56

Maybe stay silent, then, but drop her and if you are in her company and she starts again about how you haven't contacted her, you can then go with 'Gosh, after everything you said I assumed that was it for us. I think it's best not to try and go back, really'.

PerspicaciaTick · 23/09/2015 00:59

"I'm glad you found it helpful. Unfortunately I didn't find it helpful, in fact I was very upset by your behaviour. Please do not speak to me like this in future."

wickedlazy · 23/09/2015 01:02

Cut all ties with the daft bint and never look back! Immature insanity!

Did this recently with a big child woman I know. Totally get the "oh how blissful to sail through life treating everyone like shit whilst thinking you're the perfect friend!" comment.

In the end, she cut contact with me, so it worked out sooo much easier than my attempts to reduce contact with her because I had a lot of tough shit going on . She was so clingy, freaked out if we hadn't seen each other in more than a week, huffed unless she got her way, complained about everything but got annoyed when anyone else dared to be in a shitty mood themselves. Wanted me to accomony her to family events. Tried to explain gently a date would be more appropriate (all these couples then me and her would have felt weird...) got annoyed when I didn't invite her to family events. She couldn't understand being skint, and not being able to go for a £15 lunch on a few hours notice, because she has a well paid job but still lives at home so has hundreds every month to play with. When I told her I wanted to stop drinking, pouted and raged because --"who would she drink with now?". She picked fights on nights out, and was regularly passive agressive. Sometimes really nasty. She was so critical of everything, but cried when she was criticised. Sorry for de-railing, that was cathartic.

Drop her like a hot rock. Sounds a similar kind of selfish bitch to the one I'm finally rid off.

wickedlazy · 23/09/2015 01:06

Don't blame you for wanting revenge.

But it's true what they say, the best revenge is to live a happy life Smile.

HortonWho · 23/09/2015 01:08

Reply "yes, one usually does after shitting from a great height"