To send a polite message back?

[mojitomother]

Was collared by an old friend last week who had a lot of grievances to air against me. She has a long history of this and her claims were very me-me-me and quite ridiculous. I was so shocked at the time that I couldn't defend myself but know deep down that that's what she's like and she won't listen to any thing I say in my defence. Wrote a few therapeutic letters which I was going to send but have now decided against it. She has since messaged me saying how it was very healthy for her to get everything out!

We are in a wider group of friends, all of whom know my side and I think find her behaviour just as unreasonable as I do. So for that sake I don't think I should completely cut her off.

I don't know what to do though. Do I say anything back? Either way she's not going to change so I'm torn. Wwyd?

Disengage - as others have said, there's nothing you can do that will produce a healthy outcome. She will most likely contact you to berate you for not getting in touch at which point you can say 'clearly we're not compatible as friends, so let's leave it there'.

"I'm happy for you if you found it helpful. However, I always thought friendships were supposed to be fun and a pleasure and whatever friendship we had before certainly couldn't be described like that any more! You've had your say, let's leave it there. You'll understand when I ask you to leave me alone now."

There seem to be so many threads like this on here lately, and I can never understand all the posters who say ignore, ignore, ignore.

Have your say! Let her know you disagree! It is incredibly passive to just let her have the last word like that.

Even if she has genuine grievances against you (we are only hearing your side here of course) it is clear that this friendship is over. So be it, you don't need to apologise again, you don't need to get into an argument, but you do need to respond.

I've reached the age now where I feel life is too short to engage with arseholes like this, so I just cut contact and move on. Don't respond. If you are friends with her on FB, defriend and block. I've got rid of two "friends" like this in the past year or so, and although I do miss them occasionally (in an "Oh Lucy/Jane would find that funny" way), the grief and aggro has gone from my life. I think either they're just deranged, or jealous of you in some way. One was jealous of my career (which is quite funny in itself) and the other essentially had a go at me because I was "funnier than her" and "trying to usurp her as the leader in our friendship circle."

Don't respond at all. Ignore her completely and stop having any contact as it is making you very angry and you're asting emotional energy on her games regardless.

Please just walk away. You can see her for what she is and you don't have time for it. Period.

Well that's what I would do. There are some people I cannot have any contact with, without feeling upset and angry and manipulated. So I just had to cut them out. I am far happier for it.

Ok really good answers, thank you, appreciate the support

The thing is, although I do feel like I'm not in the wrong per se, I feel for her that she apparently did feel lonely when she moved to my city. The fact is, though, I was unable to guess this! I wish I had known but it's so so unfair to use it back at me months after. I was confiding in her about my own stuff at this time which she obviously resented as she used it back against me as proof of times she had "been there" for me... But she knows that had she said anything, I would have been round in a flash. So I'm torn between feeling like I'm well rid and feeling flashes of empathy for her... I guess the simple answer though is that I should call time on things because she sure as hell feels no empathy for me!!! I just don't want to keep neglecting in her hour of need (obviously she sees it that way!)

But yeah I don't need the drama, manipulation or emotional cruelty. I think we're incompatible!

Sorry I sound so indecisive and conflicted, I know the smart decision would be to ignore because hand on heart I did everything I could to be a good friend to her!

Interesting how many of us seem to have had similar experiences, how do these people get away with this?

Sounds like she is really angry with everyone - maybe she thinks of you all as her parents? Maybe they were horrible?

That's called transference. Basically having issues about say, your childhood, then instead of dealing with it in a healthy way you treat everyone as though they are the ones who hurt you or whatever, every woman is your mum, every man your dad. You have huge expectations of them which they will never be able to meet, which neatly gives you an excuse to get cross with them and express yourself in a way you never could or would to the people who caused you the real issues.

Bonkers.
She might benefit from some proper therapy; otherwise there's really nothing you can do, as whatever you try, it won't change a thing, or ever be good enough.

I like Mintys idea. Yes, it may be more irksome to the 'friend' if you don't repsond at all but this just gives her the idea that it is fine to treat people like this.

"I'm glad that you found it helpful and theraputic. However, it seems that we do not have the friendship we thought, so I suggest we call time on it and move on with our lives. Wishing you all that you deserve in life."

It's because you are trying to have a healthy relationship with proper boundaries and kindness appropriate to a friend situation.

She is demanding much more. She has fucked up boundaries and therefore you are unable to communicate in a healthy way with her. No one is.

It's like if you went to a shop, tried to pay for your sandwich and the person said 'that'll be £37 please!' and you would be apologetic and polite but say no thank you. Then they would shout at you for being rude, or possibly call the police.

Unreasonable. Impossible. Waste of your time.

Cut her off. Your wider group, if they/you are good friends, will work round it.

This happened to me (I was in your position, NOT the bitch friend with the imaginary grievances) and, while it slightly changed the group relationship and has caused some minor uncomfortableness, everything is basically all right; she gradually alienated herself from everyone with her behaviour and the rest of the group is still friends and just fine.

I'd spent ages beforehand walking on eggshells in the hope of keeping her happy and the group together and, with hindsight, regret wasting all that time.

Ok thanks everyone, yeah I think she does have a lot of anger. She is in mid twenties and very close to her parents, I think perhaps they enabled her s but actually and spoiled/indulged her. Without reading too much into things she had an on off boyfriend over the past few years who wasn't as serious about her as she was about him. So I think there's a lot of rest dusk anger there which we've spoken a little bit about. Her dad is also suffering from a serious illness (has been happening for a few years now), he is gradually worsening

Sorry I hope I'm not drip feeding - I have always tried to excuse her behaviour in the context of both these things. But I think there comes a point when some things can't be excused any longer. She doesn't even realise the need to properly apologise. I think she does need proper therapy to be honest, I mean I think I do too and I don't have as much stuff going on in my life as she does in hers

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning her but what else can I do? I don't want to make her feel like shit (how I feel!) as that would serve no purpose and is unkind. I think withdrawing is sensible, maybe one day a switch will click for her

Not to get all armchair psychologist, but it's very interesting what you say about transference IRuth... I have thought for a long time she treats me like a spoilt child treats their mother, basically demanding unconditional love without giving anything back. When (obviously!) I don't give her this, she overreacts and becomes furious. It's almost as if she's punishing me and using me as her whipping boy instead of talking to the people who have treated her badly. This then gives her closure I guess and heals her but obviously is not quite so pleasant for me!!!!

I have always tried to excuse her behaviour in the context of both these things. But I think there comes a point when some things can't be excused any longer.

I agree. In my situation the 'friend' had had, to be fair, a rotten childhood and had been in therapy for years for it. But from the snippets she used to tell me about her sessions, her therapist sounded like they were just indulging her and telling her things to make her feel better.

I mean, EVERYONE had a fucked-up childhood in some way or other but a lot of people really try to deal with it and don't just act like twunts to their friends.

You realise there's 7 billion people in the world. None of them, unless they are your own progeny, are your responsibility. Is she in danger?... drowning, on fire, homeless or starving? If yes then obviously common humanity comes into it.

If not then you are perfectly entitled to have nothing more to do with her! I take it she has some other friends and so on, and isn't particularly happy with your friendship anyway according to, uhh, herself...

You have no obligations here. It's time to let it go. You've done nothing wrong.

Thank you! I didn't think I was in the wrong but needed a second opinion, I'm moving on from her, sorted

It sounds like you've made your mind up which is great. Just wanted to add my support - having been through a fall out earlier this year with a very old friend (she used me finally disagreeing with her about something as an opportunity to list all my failings), you will feel a sense of loss, guilt, grief even. But ultimately you will also feel healthier and happier without her in your life.

Thank you catlover, can I ask, did you just cut her out or did you say anything?

I'm not going to lie, I do feel quite bitter that I've just swallowed back years of inner resentment about her behaviour myself, only to have her throw my own failings back at me! But I think that's something ultimately I have to work on myself, talking to her about it won't solve anything now I know how little regard she has for anyone's feelings other than her own

Weird question - and sorry if I sound overly involved with this, it's still quite raw and recent - but those of you who have moved on, how did you move on?? I have quite a lot of unresolved things I want to say to her that I need to get out, short of doing that, what do I do? Start a new hobby?! Sounds bizarre but it's like a break up almost, obviously I'm glad I chose to LTB but it's still weirdly intense

It is like a break up and like any painful split it gets better with time. I've recently had to make the difficult decision to part ways with my sister because of similar reasons and initially the emotions were very raw and I had a lot of angry and sad feelings about it. I still feel sad but the anger has diminished and the pain is less. I know that my decision is the right the further distance I get from it and my life is much less 'dramatic' and I don't feel constantly on edge waiting for the next thing to kick off. Just take one day at a time.

OP, there are no rules as to how you move on, you just do. You accept that your former friend is toxic and that you do not need that type of person in your life. Spend time with other friends but be sure you are the bigger person - do not discuss her with your mutual friends. I doubt she will show you the same courtesy.

Annie, thanks. I have actually told one mutual friend my side of the story as I needed confirmation that I wasn't being a bitch. I did however refrain from attacking the friend in question and told it as fairly as I was able to. I'm expecting her to spread some rumours of her own but she must have some inking she has behaved badly as she interrogated me as to whether I had discussed things with our other friends when we met up. Well, yes

What have you decided to do? Or are you still mulling it over?

Iguana, thanks for asking I am just drawing a line under it all, it already feels better than it did before and there's no point me over-obsessing which is what I think I was starting to do!

Mojito so sorry I only just got back to this thread... Totally up to you how to approach it, what works for one person doesn't for another. Personally I found it easier to make a clean break without detailing what I disliked about her.

After the initial falling out during which I tried as hard as possible to maintain a dignified silence while she approached it as "the more I stick the knife in the more likely Cat will respond" I eventually got fed up about 5 days in of continuous FB messager abuse so I sent her a card along the lines of "we're just different people now, wishing you all the best etc". It was hard as she kept up the attempted contact for a while but then it petered out partly because when you're a total narcisist, being ignored is just too difficult to deal with

As I said earlier, I have felt a range of emotions, but just at the point when I think "maybe I was too harsh" I remember all the shite and breathe a sigh of relief! Hopefully it will work that way for you as well