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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a polite message back?

82 replies

mojitomother · 22/09/2015 23:35

Was collared by an old friend last week who had a lot of grievances to air against me. She has a long history of this and her claims were very me-me-me and quite ridiculous. I was so shocked at the time that I couldn't defend myself but know deep down that that's what she's like and she won't listen to any thing I say in my defence. Wrote a few therapeutic letters which I was going to send but have now decided against it. She has since messaged me saying how it was very healthy for her to get everything out!

We are in a wider group of friends, all of whom know my side and I think find her behaviour just as unreasonable as I do. So for that sake I don't think I should completely cut her off.

I don't know what to do though. Do I say anything back? Either way she's not going to change so I'm torn. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Wearyheadedlady · 23/09/2015 01:13

Speak to her face to face. Its braver and more economic.

Tell her you are who you are, she can take or leave it. Then have diner or leave or whatever.

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2015 01:21

I absolutely agree with Wearyheadedlady.

I think rather than getting into a tit for tat with her, or worse still revenge, just stick up for yourself when anything happens. So you are late, so am I, people moan, so we make plans to meet in places that are OK to meet, like I go to their house or they come to mine or we meet somewhere safe and indoors. And anyone who wants to be my friend knows I will be late.

I think maybe part of your unhappiness is that you let her be mean to you. But tit for tat now may not help. Better to either cut ties or to continue to be her friend and just tell her straight, 'I don't find it helpful if you tell me all the things you don't like about me, if you want to be friends let's just be friends and no more moaning.'

There must be something about her friendship you like, even if it is only feeling that you can help her? If you get something out of the friendship continue it, but on your terms, not hers. If she starts the shit storm again, grab an umbrella and head for the hills!

Silvercatowner · 23/09/2015 03:11

Rise above it. Be polite and respectful, but nothing more. Don't initiate any contact/conversations. I'm actually doing this at the moment with an ex-friend - it is easy, you retain a moral high ground (and I think ex friend cannot quite work out what is happening, which is fine by me!!!)

1WayOrAnother · 23/09/2015 03:35

She sounds like a total drain tbh. If you get drawn in to tit for tat it sounds as though she is likely to say other things that escalate the anger you are already feeling. Rise above it and be glad you no longer have to waste your energy on such a self absorbed individual. Devote your precious time (I am also a shift worker) to those friends who value you, who don't expect explanations from you about how you spend your time and with whom you look forward to spending time.

It is my firm belief that one day she will get her comeuppance.

KathyBeale · 23/09/2015 05:29

This exact thing happened to me when my 'friend' wrote me a letter spelling out my every misdemeanour since we were 16. She sent it when my son was eight weeks old so I was a bit distracted and not giving her the attention she wanted (she'd also sent me a similar letter a few weeks before my wedding and when I was first pregnant - notice a pattern?!). I cried for a day, then got on with my life and have cut contact. It was a long time ago now and I do miss her as we were friends for a long time, but I've kept the letter and sometimes I read it to remind myself I'm better off without her. My advice is to do the same. It's hard enough to keep in touch with the nice people than to spend time with those who drain your energy!

DoreenLethal · 23/09/2015 06:25

there is no way a friend of mine would do that and not be told to go and fuck themselves. In fact, i would have dropped them long ago.

Funny how we all have different standards.

IguanaTail · 23/09/2015 06:37

I can see why you are itching to respond and also why you haven't.

I'm with Tendonqueen and that's what I would do.
Pretend that you assume it's all over. Quote back at her your "shortcomings" if necessary and advise her she can surely find better than you from her diminishing pool of acquaintances.

She sounds horrible.

BalloonSlayer · 23/09/2015 06:58

Didn't you post this the other day?

How about "good for you" and then never contacting her again.

CrumbledFeta · 23/09/2015 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ptumbi · 23/09/2015 07:26

Why are you 'friends' with her?

I wouldn't be 'apologising profusely'; I'd be standing back with a Hmm face on. These types only moan and whine and complain because - yes, it makes them feel good! And because people (you) let them.

Drop her.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 23/09/2015 07:40

I think tendonqueen said it best!

InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 07:42

I really can't see why the fact that she's in a wider group of friends means that you shouldn't cut her off. OK, you may meet her occasionally, but on if you do you can treat her politely whilst refusing to engage with her.

whois · 23/09/2015 07:43

She's not actually a friend though is she? She isn't making you happy.

I probably wouldn't send her a letter, but I would just stop being anything but vaguely polite to her in group situations. No texts, no phone calls, no meet ups n

AlisonWunderland · 23/09/2015 07:48

"I'm glad you found it helpful. Never let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh?"

MrsTedCrilly · 23/09/2015 07:52

Don't reply, your silence will piss her off! Cut her out as much as you can, and if you do come across her- just smile sweetly and don't react to any bullshit. Best revenge Smile

Fairenuff · 23/09/2015 08:07

Don't reply. It will annoy her more than any answer would.

When you next see her be polite but distant. Don't get drawn into any more 'discussions' with her.

She will sense that you are withdrawing but won't be able to do anything about it.

That is your revenge.

Meerka · 23/09/2015 08:09

She had lined up all the times she has supported me in the past and used them as a stuck to beat me with. She obviously resents them/me a lot.

People usually behave in patterns. If she's like this with you ... well, you can be sure she's like this with others and frankly she's likely to end up alienated from a lot of people in the long run. People get pissed off with people who keep favour-quotas.

If you really want revenge, for now take TendonQueen's advice and for the long term, settle down to wait and observe. Though really, just let the whole thing and her go ... she isn't worth getting wound up about.

NorksAreMessy · 23/09/2015 08:12

Dignity.
Dignity, silence and time will sort this out for you.

Nothing else you do will have so much chance of a positive result.

gamerwidow · 23/09/2015 08:19

The best revenge in these circumstances are to behave as if it never happened and get on with your life. Be polite but distant when you see her again. People like this thrive on conflict you'll only be adding more fuel to the fire. I guarantee ignoring her silliness is the worst thing you can do to her Smile

ShebaShimmyShake · 23/09/2015 08:40

I had a 'friend' like this once. She was great when she wanted to be but bloody exhausting and a real attention seeking drama queen. One day about five years ago I did something to piss her off (I still don't know what, nor does anyone else, betting she doesn't either) and she has refused to speak to me since. Except for one time when she made a passive aggressive comment on a mutual friend's Facebook page about my wedding (to which she was not invited), everyone else piled in to tell her where to go (I ignored it), and she sent me a vicious private message outlining all the things she hated about me. Two of them made reference to me in places I have never been. I don't know if she's confusing me with someone else, desperately trying to shit stir or just deranged. Probably the latter.

I was really tempted to respond and tell her in equal measure what was wrong with her - I really, really do understand that temptation. But I KNEW it was what she wanted. So I just said, "Haven't laughed that much in ages, cheers!" When I got another response back, I just deleted it without reading.

I don't know about karma, I don't know what's happening in her life now, but I honestly couldn't give a shit. I really didn't realise what a drain she was until she was gone. This thread is the first time I've thought about her in about three years.

CocktailQueen · 23/09/2015 08:44

TBH, I don't think I'd send the letters either. It would just get into a huge 'she said, she said' battle and nobody would win. You retain the moral high ground if you don't send them (but I would be itching to!!!).

But I'd distance yourself from her totally. She sounds like hard work and a PITA. If you're not a good enough friend for her, she can blooming well find someone who lives up to her high standards Hmm

HumphreyCobblers · 23/09/2015 08:50

Just concentrate on how nice it will be without her in your life. You will never 'win' with people like this in one sense, as they will never accept they are in the wrong. But you have won in the sense that you are not a self obsessed, rude knobber. She will never be able to escape herself.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 23/09/2015 09:01

Cut contact.

If friends mention it, just say "Turns out I'm not her cup of tea. Oh well!" and change the subject.

Qwertybynature · 23/09/2015 09:09

If you read this as a post from someone else, what would you say to them? Your 'friend' expects complete devotion from you at all times, yet throws the small things she does for you back in your face.

Ditch her. Nicely, as tendon suggested, if you wish. You could be investing all of this time in friendships you actually enjoy.

Grapejuicerocks · 23/09/2015 09:13

Rise above it all.

Be civil to and about her, but withdraw emotionally.
Don't demean yourself by acting as she has.

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