AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

STDG likewise I developed depression in my teens due to bullying but wasn't diagnosed for another 20+ years. The diagnosis was actually a relief and a lot fell into place at that point.
Absolutist thinking is part of my depressive mindset. I don't know if the OP is depressed but do think s/he should seek help.

I agree, Gabilan - for me, it was the CBT that has made the biggest difference. I am still a work in progress, but I can see improvement.

OP, listen to me. That day was not hugely significant to the path your life subsequently took and it did not have the decisive impact that you believe. Furthermore it is not "hindsight" that "has magnified its importance" but your determination to hang the blame on it for you not, in your opinion, achieving your potential.
Truth is, it's almost certainly your "glass half empty" attitude that has put you where you are today. But, you are still very young, and you can make of your life whatever you put your mind to.
But for God's sake stop blaming your poor mother.

some private schools are fantastic, others are just shiney and good for the fluffy bits.
But this is probably bitterness about something else? You need to let it be and move on. Retrain if you can.

If you'd got into the school you probably would have developed an inferiority complex and enormous chip on your shoulder because you came from a council estate and everyone else was comparatively wealthy.

This.

I know a chap who was raised on the nearby council estate and who won a scholarship to the private school. He was taunted for the whole time he was there for being 'the scholarship kid' and bitterly resents his parents not having a flash car or going on holidays to talk about like the other kids. They couldn't afford opportunities like music lessons or ski trips and his uniform was second-hand, so he constantly felt second rate.

I don't think it would have been the magic ticket you have built it up to be in your head-you aren't Annie.

I can understand your upset. But I think that rather than this event having been truly significant to your lack of success (as you see it), its more that your lack of success (as you see it) has got you thinking back to this one event and holding it and your mother responsible. Many of us (myself included) feel that we need to blame someone or something, or at least have a reason, for the things in our lives that don't go as we would like them to. You could still have been successful in life, it certainly does not depend on going to a private school as a child. But you can still be successful. You are still young, there is still time. You just need to figure out how to do it.

I often blame my lack of success on my father having abandoned my mother before I was born, we never had much money, never had a car, I didn't have as nice clothes as my friends which affected my confidence, blah, blah. My mum was so laid back that she never really 'pushed' me to try hard,my dad was slightly more interested but I didn't want to please him or his mother by being academic. I didn't go to uni because my boyfriend at the time wasnt happy about it, and oh, there's the no money thing again. There's a whole load of people I would like to blame but really if I had wanted to I could have sorted it out myself. I'm just not that way inclined. I know a load of people from similar backgrounds who did really well.

You sound extremely eloquent in your post, so much so that im quite shocked by the subject matter as it seems like you could do something really brilliant. You are obviously intelligent. Do something with that.

Op thanks for coming back to us, as I said you do sound depressed, you need to go to the GP and seek counselling to deal with those issues, or they will eat you up. You are still young and can change your life for the better. You are responsible for your life, and your choices, they will depend on your future happiness. You do not know for sure that going to a private school would have made your life better, it might or it might not have. Do not blame your mum, its not her fault what you have made of your life, you need to seek therapy.

I wrote earlier and was of the not particularly sensitive ilk - but not mean, telling you that it's a great self fulfilling prophesy the way you've made yourself a cast iron excuse for all failures in life. And once youve for your 'it's not my fault' excuse in place it will encourage you to ever lower and lower expectations and get out clauses so you never have to try and never take responsibility for yourself.

However I'm sure you will have ignored that as you appear to be ignoring anything which isn't allowing you to keep on blaming others and being bitter.

One last go:

I too did the 11+ but no entrance exams as my mother decided I wasn't good enough for private schools in a very 'know your place' type of way. It was a bit of a miscalculation on her part as I found out shortly after I'd scored 100% on the Maths paper and 98% on the English paper, with no tutoring, no special lessons unlike the rest of my (small village) year who all got the private school entrance exam cramming as I went home looking at them through the window as I passed.

The head teacher called my parents in to try and persuade them to get me in front of some fee paying schools pronto but nope, they said I'd struggle later and be teased if I didn't get a scholarship each year and had to drop out into the local comp. oh and besides, it wouldn't be fair to my sister who was two years older.

Was that the defining moment of my life? Did I give up and stop trying as my hideous mother had 'denied me my golden ticket'. Did I resent my sister for stealing my chance? My parents were also poor btw, and no car, isolated village, one year I didn't actually have clothes except school uniform so wasn't allowed out at weekend to 'shame' my parents.

Of course not! I just got on with it, as most others do. And I found out what you needed to do to get into uni, and after lots of hard graft, near misses, almost tragedies and almosts I got there, yes with my shitty comp education and I even managed to screw up my a levels by listening to my parents and taking ones that they wanted me to vs what I was good at... Dropped 2 out of 3 subjects after one year, did 1 a level in 4 months with a teacher kindly giving some pointers occasionally at lunch time - and lending me the text books to dig into myself. And the other a level I just did the final year in and just worked damn hard.

Couldn't apply to my childhood dream of a uni though as I had no mocks to base my predicted grades on. So changed dreams, courses and universities, and got in on interviews and high requested grades instead.

And I got a first, first first in that subject combination in the history of the university. Horrified to find it wasn't enough to launch a great career with (oh dear, a FIRST from a top 10 university not a golden ticket?! The horror! Ok I know it helped but actually no, wasn't a walk in the park and wasn't a instant passport to getting accepted in a profession which loves eloquent, polished, confident stars. Not a northern dodgy comp rags to riches unpolished unsure socially inept raw talent! So I worked my arse off, got experience, kipped on friends floors and did alot of observing of others until I got it.

And sooo, the moral of the story. No lucky breaks. No golden tickets. Just determination, late nights, and a burning desire to do what I wanted to do.

Oh and for the real kicker... Just in case you're STILL thinking I had it better than you... Guess what? No fucking golden tickets. I'm now severely disabled, and am I sitting there on my arse as you put it 'waiting to die', God knows most days I feel like it, but no, I don't take the excuses life gives me to blame others and give up (and ooooh i want to half the time)... still fucking grafting, work part time, from home, made up my own job role that allows me to, had to learn a new skill to do that though, and I manage a crew of carers, nannies and helpers so me and by darling little boy survive. And it's super great, I get the hell of constant pain and disability with the added bonus of society spitting on me for being 'benefit thieving scum' when I still sodding work! No golden tickets

Op, please get help with your mood.
Would talking to your parents about this exam make you feel better?
I predict that it would.

My Dad refused to continue to pay maintenance to my mum for me to go to college. I could be bitter and twisted, but I have chosen my own path since then. ok, I still hate him

I am 48 years old, started an access course and am now doing a nursing degree.

Decide what you want to do, then do it!

OP please go get some help, professional help. You really need it.

Private school is not a golden ticket. My cousin went, paid for by is grandparents. My auntie was rich and the grandparents were ok financially. Do you know how hard it was to be the kid from a council estate in a private school? His mother regrets now, he hated school and didn't do well.

He is however now 23 and getting is life on track and has trained as a plasterer, he has a job and a little house of his own now. Not what his grandparents planned for him.

I have friend who went to my normal run of the mill school who are now millionaires.

If you are unhappy with where your life is, you need to take control. Get some help then plan your future. It's never too late to do what you want to do.

Fwiw 6 years ago I earned an excellent wage, so did dh. We both gave it up to run a business from home, we earn less but are both home when the kids need us. Can take time off and spend time with friends and family, where we wouldn't have been able to before. I have never been happier.

OP, going to private school really does not equate to a golden ticket. I know so many people who did go to one who have done nothing with their lives, whilst I also know many who went to comprehensives - including really shitty ones - who have done very well indeed.

Fixating on that one day is liable to hold you back in ways that your school and parents never did. If you feel you could do more with your life, do it. Get back into education, get the qualifications for whatever you want to do, and go for it. If you can't do that, the chances are you would never have got into that school anyway.

I don't think AIBU is an appropriate platform for you to address this actually.

I think there is a lot more to this than you have related here. Your relationship with your parents is clearly not a happy one and has underlying issues that have impacted on you.

Please get some help to unpick these. The way you describe your parents is quite cruel. I don't know your history but I suspect that your relationship needs some work

OP
A good education can help, but nothing will magically lift you up without effort on your part. The days of sincures is long gone for most people even those who go to private school.

I went to a less than brilliant comp but managed to make my way despite the death of a parent when I was teenager so no golden ticket for me. In fact, I was recently mentoring a junior member of staff who went to Eton (so his golden ticket didn't take him past my slightly more grubby paper one).

OP my eldest son went to the comprehensive at the end of the road, almost got expelled, left at 16 with no qualifications. 10 years later he earns more than the national average, has a real career, and is buying his own house (with his partner), in the southeast, no less.
My middle son started life with delayed speech and developmental delay, went to the same comprehensive, now he's just starting university and has a nice part time job he enjoys.

It's acheived by having a work ethic. No they will (probably) never be one of the top 1% or whatever it is, but they are both far from the scrap heap.
There are opportunities for you, if you look around and take some advice.

hang on , wasn't there a post recently along the lines of "Aibu to let my daughter sit and entrance exam for a school we can't afford to send her to ?" ?

I went to a rubbish comprehensive in a poor part of the country. I did night classes and saved up to go to university when I was 25 and have just finished a PhD. Please stop blaming your mother, she obviously wasn't such an 'uneducated, unintelligent parent' if she had aspirations for you to sit the entrance exam. I'm sure she was hoping for a scholarship.

OP: I am going to get flamed for this, but you are right.

You will not get much understanding on here of what it's like to grow up in poverty! Many people will be much more likely to think that the structural socio-economic barriers you are identifying are personal character attributes rather than things that are really 'out there' in society. It's part of a wider denial of class in society, part of a wider desire to believe (in the face of reams and reams of evidence) that everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps - with no recognition that some have to pull so much harder and longer than others to get to the same place, and that this takes its toll and a certain bloody-mindedness that not everyone can access all of the time. Partly, it's also personal guilt and a willingness to ascribe successes that are really in large measure a result of class advantages to personal endeavour. There is little to no understanding of the radical uncertainty: that trying feels futile and pointless, because you know that you can slog your guts out and achieve spectacularly and STILL not get a chance because you simply don't know the right people, or talk the right talk, and very little of the fact that, wherever you go in a middle class world, you do not 'belong'.

There ARE structural barriers to succeeding from a poor background. This doesn't mean that no-one from those backgrounds goes on to do well, just that it is statistically less likely than those who have the advantages of a network provided by a certain type of school. You are NOT going mad, you do NOT need counselling - you are simply identifying a truth that many people are seeking to deny. I think this experience is not the same as, but analogous to, the experience of being black in a world of white privilege where people simply deny that race has a bearing, despite study after study showing structural disadvantage.

My advice to you is: READ. Study this. Make it your intellectual and personal project, at night school, via an OU degree, via an MA, via a PhD. There is a huge amount of research into class, poverty and disadvantage, and it will make you strong to understand it. Furthermore, it will turn what disadvantages you right now into a strength - because you will see things that other people can't due to your experiences being radically different. And that is the basis for a new, different, unique and important VOICE - where you can articulate these things, not in terms of personal bitterness but in terms of an organised campaign to investigate and to end these inequalities.

Bollocks, holly. Many of us grew up in poverty, and we still know that OP is being a whiny child.
Of course there are barriers to achieving, the point is to at least TRY and overcome them, not sit around bemoaning your lack of achievement and complaining about how its all someone elses fault.

theres this one?

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/local_hertfordshire/2321151-Is-it-crazy-to-take-entrance-exam-for-a-school-we-cant-afford

no - i think you mean this one

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2464773-To-make-my-ds-sit-for-an-entrance-exam-for-a-private-school-I-can-never-afford?trending=1

Miscellaneous what an inspiring post!

shovetheholly You will not get much understanding on here of what it's like to grow up in poverty!

I don't think it does the OP much good indulging her fantasies of a life unfulfilled by a demonic mother and supposed poverty. Poverty is relative, and yes you can wollow in your own self pity about how terrible and limiting it was. Or you can realise that most people had less than idyllic schooldays and hard work in terms of studying when you would rather be out partying is unpleasant but theres no alternative to knuckling down.

Its pretty pathetic in a rich country like the UK which provides free universal relatively high quality education to all to come out with this tripe. There are refugees in this country who risked losing everything to enable their children to get that education you so casually dismiss. For the brightest pupils, school education is largely irrelevant because O and A levels aren't actually that hard, you can pretty much teach yourself how to pass the exams. But that motivation has to come from yourself. Someone with the attitude of blaming their parents is unlikely to succeed even if they went to Eton (and there are plenty of examples of failures who went to Eton). And at university, non-privately educated children are statistically more likely to do well.

Sorry if the OP has depression, but this sort of thinking is indicative of her own personal problems, not some great failure on the part of society involving children not being sent to private school.

Last time I checked only 7% of the population went to private school. holly is right about the structural inequalities in our society and it is true that a disproportionate number of politician and senior people in business and the media are privately educated. However, the vast majority of people are not privately educated so it is clearly possible to succeed without a private education which is really only available to a small majority in our society.

My children go to a very run-of-the-mill London primary. Over the summer I put them in a holiday camp which operated out of a local private girls school. My older daughter is now entranced with the idea of private school - the landscaped grounds, well equipped gymn, badmington courts etc. She asks regularly if she will be able to go to private school. I explain that she won't and neither will any of the other children in her primary school but that doesn't mean that the secondary she goes to won't be able to set her up well for her future if she works hard.

Op:

I was a bright kid in a shit rough school.

Private school is not a golden ticket. When I went to uni I did a double degree in hard science. The jolly hockey sticks crowd dropped out of the course at a much, much higher rate than us state comp folks. They'd been pampered and tutored and never had the need to knuckle under and study independently and hard. There's compelling data that once at uni, state school pupils do better.

I got the highest marks in the year across the entire science courses one year, despite my gibbering terror at realising my state comp hadn't covered calculus and oh heck all the grammar school kids had (I still vividly remember the 'oh fuck' feeling and the long, long nights in the library...) the three of us who got firsts that finals year were all northern state school products. It's hard work and smarts that gets you results.

When I did my PhD (again, hard science) no one I worked alongside had been to private school. No one. They were from all bog standard comps with one or two grammar schoolers. At that level, no one cares if you've been to eton - they care that you're bright enough to do original work, and dedicated enough to spend a million hours a week in the lab ;)

Op, you sound very troubled, very bitter and very unhappy. Please, please get some help for this. You need to understand that your thought patterns are disordered. You cannot pin twenty years of failure on this - it's your thought patterns that are holding you back.

You're still so young - answer me this : what do you want from your life? really, what? "The finer things" is not an answer, do you want a different career? A specific qualification? Higher earning potential? Because all those things are achieveable. Tell us what you want, specifically, and we can offer advice on how to get there.