AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

I have read everyone's responses with interest. I did not reply sooner because I was put off by the hostility of some posters' comments. I sincerely meant every word of my post.

At the time, I did not fully realise the significance of the day I visited the private school. I did not think it would have a decisive impact on the rest of my life. Hindsight has magnified its importance to me. Despite growing up on a council estate, I have long aspired to be able to experience the finer things in life. I very strongly believe that getting into private school would have offered me the best possible chance of success. I just feel that nothing will ever compensate for the fact I did not receive such an education and the opportunities it provides. As far as I'm concerned, it absolutely would have been a golden ticket - it certainly has been for the people I know who went to one. I don't think I'll ever get over it completely. Also, no I don't have a terminal illness. I definitely feel depressed though.

Do you know the percentage of people that went to private school. It's very small and yet people succeed. Yes it would have given you opportunities but to blame everything wrong in your life on going to a state school and your parents do suggest you need to look at the choices you made for yourself.

Get to the GP and talk about being depressed so you can get yourself into a better situation.

It hadn't dawned on her that she was sitting the exam to qualify for a scholarship.

I think you maybe have a false view of the privileges that a private education gives you.

Yes it instills confidence and helps academically but you are ignoring things like divorce, bankruptcy, depression, chronic illness, ....... which a private education does not immune you from.

So for all the super successful pupils there will be a fair number with the above and other problems.

What you need to do OP is seriously, seriously think about what you actually want in life. Not some airy fairy 'better education' or 'more opportunities' but what is it you would wish to have studied, what in life do you wish you had become ??????

Once you know that you have a base to start from. You have probably 50 years ahead of you to achieve this thing you want. And 25 years behind you to know what you DON'T want .

So make a start and get on with it!!!!!!!

As far as I'm concerned, it absolutely would have been a golden ticket - it certainly has been for the people I know who went to one.

Funnily enough, I know plenty of former private school educated people who have ended up the chaviest of chavs. One girl I knew as a child, her mother was always very keen to stress how very much more special she was than us, because she didn't go to the local school. She left school at 16 because she was utterly academically useless, got no "O" levels at all, shacked up with a nightclub bouncer who refused to marry her, had one child who got pregnant at 15. That child is at least more gainfully employed than her mother, as she works as a hairdresser.

The vast majority of people I know who went to private schools have ordinary jobs, ordinary university degrees and mortgages. The ones that are doing better are the ones that inherited wealth. Most of the seriously rich are self made businesspeople and not privately educated.

This is quite an odd obsession to have OP, and totally illogical. The fact that you hold this obsession and have been unable to work out that you were obviously sent for a scholarship exam which you didn't do well enough in, means you would benefit far more from CBT than a private education.

But I suspect you're a troll. No-one could be that dim.

Stardust I think you need to explore these feelings with a trained professional and your GP is a good place to start.

Roughly 170 posters have said that your response is disproportionate and you need to find a way to move on.

I'm not saying that the private school may not have been better than the one you went to, but the success of those you know who went to one may also be down to other factors - social connections abound among the wealthy.

Most of us aspire to the finer things in life, most of being an adult is about accepting what you've got, forgetting about your past or at least coming to terms with it, and moving on as best you can with the future.

You've no intention of moving on from this, have you? I reckon you are using it as an excuse or "reason" for not succeeding in life. Most of us didn't get privately educated but still have successful lives.

It's just easier to blame your Mum, eh?

Also, the day didn't have any "significance". For all you know you might have failed the test or only just scraped a pass.

If you'd got into the school you probably would have developed an inferiority complex and enormous chip on your shoulder because you came from a council estate and everyone else was comparatively wealthy.

The problem lies with you, not some mythical event 18 years ago. You need to grow up.

Stardust, be honest with yourself. Your update makes it even clearer that you have allowed this exam twenty years ago to become the fall guy for things you feel you have failed to achieve in your subsequent life. You have in effect written yourself off because of something that happened when you were ten, and you're being defeatist, self-indulgent and unfair to yourself by doing so.

Go and get help for your depression. Stop waffling on to yourself about the 'finer things in life' and about how you could've been a contender if everything hadnt conspired against you. You still can contend You're very young. What exactly is it that you want from your life? What career do you want? You have your future in your hands.

And I can't help noticing you haven't responded to the dozens who said that your mother, far from tormenting you, was probably hoping for a scholarship, and to those who asked whether you know for definite that you passed, far less aced, the exam?

I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success

Nope. That's a cop out OP. I doubt your Mother sent you fur the exam to tease you. She might have had a plan that fell through or something.

I remember having a similar rant about ten years ago at my own Mother, when my sister correctly pointed out I was lazy at school and didn't do any homework and coasted along on whatever intelligence I had. I was trying to blame the shitty school I went to, when in reality that was a handy focus for my blame.

If I had studied and made any effort I could have had a lot more, but I was lazy and didn't. No one's fault but mine.

Same thing with you?

it absolutely would have been a golden ticket

It's not Charile going to the Chocolate Factory FFS! I was state educated and didn't come from a particularly affluent back ground. I still got to where I wanted to be without blaming my parents. They couldn't afford private school therefore I went to a local primary and the local secondary school. I studied my arse off to get the grades I needed to get to Uni and only just scraped in with the skin of my teeth. I had one thing though, determination to prove all those teachers wrong that told me I would never make a teacher. When I graduated I went back to my wonderful secondary school teachers and smiled at those who had doubted me. A private education doesn't miraculously open doors.

OP, seriously, you need to stop dwelling on this. You need to find a way to put it in the past so that you can focus on the future. You do not need to let this perceived missed opportunity dictate the rest of your life.

Would you have had a better chance of success if you'd gone to this private school? Possibly. You'd probably have had a better chance - although not a guarantee - of doing better academically. But that is not the same as saying you had no chance because you went to a state school. Most people don't get a private education, and many of them still manage to make the most of the opportunities they have and make themselves a decent life.

Would going to this school have been a golden ticket? Probably not. I've come across plenty of ex-private school pupils who have fairly ordinary degrees, ordinary jobs, ordinary lives. People who are working alongside ex-state school pupils who have achieved exactly the same as them. Some private school pupils do end up doing fantastically well, yes, but most of them end up with pretty normal ordinary lives.

Regardless, dwelling on this is pointless. It's done. There's no changing the past, and letting it eat you up like this is not healthy. I would second the suggestion that you find a trained professional to talk to about your feelings.

I really think that you need to start thinking about your future. Think about what kind of future you want - what subjects do you want to study, what job do you want to do - and find a way to start working towards that. Get professional help to try and let this obsession go, and try to take positive action to move towards a future you want.

In many ways, this visit to the school to sit the scholarship exam could have been almost any other incident in your childhood. I mean, if it hadn't happened, it would just have been something else to blame things on?

I'm no expert, but isn't this different from depression? Or something else on top? The person I know in her fifties who go on about having recently become an orphan seems to have had a stack of excuses that she used in the past for her failure to hold down a job. Its very disturbing to hear that sort of stuff and to offer continual sympathy for a never-ending series of excuses and blaming other people, which is why I'm asking whether its something different from depression.

OP why have you not responded to everyone telling you that your mum probably let you sit the exam in the hooes you would get a bursary? That is almost certainly the case, in fact have you ever asked her?
It sounds to me like you have a huge amount of resentment towards your mother.

op, you're nickname suits you well

OP when I was 5 my headmistress told my parents I was educationally 'sub-normal'. I now have a masters with distinction and a PhD. And I was state educated. True you can only play the hand you're dealt, but you can try to play it well

Stardust - do you want to have a future or do you want to dwell on a past that you cannot change?

I will say that again for emphasis - you cannot change the past - but you CAN change the future!

You are an adult now and, tough as it sounds, you, and only you, are responsible for what happens from now on. You could carry on obsessing about that one day, and the 'golden ticket' and all the you think you have lost - and nothing will change for you, nothing will get any better - or you can pull on your big girl pants and decide to change your future.

It may not be easy - but newsflash, life is not easy - but you need to find therapy to enable you to deal with your feelings, and then you need to go and get yourself an education. You are NEVER too old to learn - my dad did not get his degree until he was retired, and he went on to get a Masters too.

You might have another 60+ years of life ahead - do you want to spend them mourning a fantasy you didn't get, or do you want to spend them getting as much as you can out of life?

Only you can make that decision. If you do decide you want to start looking forward, I am sure you will get support, both in r/l and here, but I doubt anyone will encourage you if all you are going to do is carry on saying "Oh if only I had gone to that school, I would be living the life of Riley and all my unhappiness now comes from that day and is my mum's fault, woe is me".

Isn't this a reverse?

Using one thing as a focal point for everything that is "bad" about life can be a symptom of mh issues like depression and anxiety disorders. It's entirely possible that if you had gone to private school, your life now would not necessarily be any more "successful" or you would be any happier than you are now. It isn't about whether or not you went to private school, it's about your self-esteem - I think you know this though don't you. Please try and seek some help for this, CBT/counselling etc. Your GP can help.

YANBU
I wasn't breast fed and this has been a blight on my life.

I have shared this before.

I grew up in a children's home... despite protests from the SS, my school put me in for the 11+ SS didn't want me to sit it as it always causes conflict.

I failed, which was not surprising with no coaching. But I scored so highly in the Maths unit, the school took me anyway as they realised in their own words despite my failure... I was truly exceptional and worth taking a chance on.

But it was not easy with my background adjusting, it certainly wasn't a golden ticket. And I have never stopped working to justify their faith in me.

At 40... ish... I have raised to the top of my profession but I am still having to prove myself... and the only who can do that is me

I know how hard it is, to pull on the big girl pants and get on with life. I have had depression since my mid teens, as a result of terrible bullying at school, and the lack of support I got from my mum when I told her about it.

I blame my senior school years for this disease that has blighted my life - sadly I was over 45 when I finally realised that the way I had felt when I was 14, and over the intervening years, was not normal, and was depression.

I have done 2.5 years of group therapy and months of cognitive behavioural therapy, and I know that I am the only person who can make my life better from now on. And I still do fall back into the bad habit of dwelling on the depression, and how shit it has made things and can still make things - but I am trying to recognise when I am doing this (and I am getting better at it), and then turning my thoughts round, doing some mindful breathing, and focussing on the good not the bad.

You are so young, Stardust - you could start turning things round now, and look back in a few years time and see the transformation that YOU have wrought - imagine that feeling, how wonderful you will feel, when you have made a difference for yourself. You can have that - you have so many years ahead - focus on them, not the past.

You're 25yo and you're on the scrap heap, waiting for the end to come?

Jesus.

There's so much stuff you can do but you need to get off your arse and do it. Go to college, do an access course, get to uni.

It's not too late.