to think DP is disgusting for doing this?

[FishFace99]

I have suffered from OCD in the past so I'm aware I could be overreacting here and your perspective will be taken on board.

DP does (or fails to do) a number of things which I see as disgusting, but he thinks I'm being a nag and there's no issue. For example, in the past 24 hrs:

I asked him to run a bath for the kids. He knows I always clean it first but thinks that's unnecessary. It hasn't been cleaned for a week because we've all had showers all week, but the shower is over the bath so I think it needs cleaning because there are hairs etc from showering. He then takes the baby's nappy off and puts her straight in the bath even though she's done a poo. The other dc are asking to get out because there's bits of poo floating around, DP shouts at them when they say he should have wiped baby first saying the point of the bath is to clean her.

He uses the same cloth we use for the highchair and worktops to wipe the floor and bin.

He doesn't use a sponge or cloth to wash up, just dunks things and gives it a quick rub with his fingers.

He doesn't wash baby's hands before giving her food.

He doesn't think 3 yo needs to wash her hands after going to the toilet.

Last night we had our dog, cats, rabbits and chickens out in the back garden who obviously all poo. DP put the crawling baby on the lawn this morning to crawl around without doing anything about the poo. I just arrived to find her putting grass with chicken poo in her mouth.

I could go on. Aibu to think he is disgusting?

Yep, disgusting, with the exception of cleaning the bath - a rinse should suffice and a good clean once a week.

Putting the baby on the grass with the poo, is actually quite neglectful - cat and dog poo can carry some really nasty stuff which would make a child very, very ill.

He obviously isn't disgusting or you wouldn't be together, however, some of his actions are thoughtless and you need a strategy to deal with it, I change bedding weekly, if you take it off and stuff it in the washer then if you share the housework equally, ask him to remake the bed, towels can be collected and washed when necessary, I don't leave it to dh to decide when his towel is manky enough. It seems as though you will have to be responsible for training dc in handwashing etc, but unless the children are constantly ill with dv it sounds as though they are not taking any harm from his carelessness. although he shouted when the children complained about poo in the bath, he will probably have realised from their reaction, that he was wrong.
YANBU, but could he be reacting negatively to your responses to his lack of hygene awareness? I know this all sounds like mothering him as well as the children, but if the rest of your relationship is good, it seems a shame to spoil it for the sake of differing hygene standards,

I was ready to say you were being unreasonable when i read the first bit about not cleaning the bath, but the rest of it is disgusting, and i am a terrible housewife.

There's low hygiene standards and then there's unnecessarily putting people in danger of infections. Yak!

I am lax compared to most MNers about hygiene.

But all this? Yes disgusting and I'm not at all a germaphobe.

I think he needs a bad case of norovirus- it may change his mind on hygiene!

The not cleaning the bath first- not a problem, just rinse away any hairs. The rest is just being foul. Is it normally this dynamic? You very clean (perhaps even over the top clean with other things?) and him a dirty bugger? I only wonder because I know a couple who have this dynamic and it took her being really sick (and having to be less OTT over nit picky things) and him having to step up and keep things clean to make sure she didn't get worse, to even things out.

YANBU

Can't see how washing a baby in poo strewn bath water is going to get her clean.
she'll end up dirtier than before!

Very low hygiene standards.
I change hand towels twice a week, bath towels weekly, bedding every 3-4 weeks unless its hot so we're all sweaty so more often. I can be quite lazy but...

As my friends Mum said recently (after wandering through my messy but not dirty dining room) - "we all have our standards!!"
Trouble is your husbands standards are way less than yours. So is he prepared to change at all?!
I agree, animal poo can be very harmful to humans, ESP babies so please be really careful.

Yuk! Your standards are not unreasonably high on this. I don't always rinse bath before use but would if hair in it. Washing hands before meals is good practice but not essential if you've checked they always wash well in bathroom (but he doesn't). But not wiping baby bottom before bath and letting kids play where there is poo is neglect I think.

Towel, bedding and washing the bath is all a matter of personal standards, and mine are very low according to a lot of stuff I've read on MN. But shouting at children because they don't want to bathe in shit is unkind as well as revolting.

Some people in relationships get given a role. I was called a 'puritan' by my XH throughout our marriage. This was because I was brought up to consider moral and ethical ramifications before making decisions. It had good and bad consequences for me, and as in all families there were some quite weird backgrounds to some decisions. So there was no harm to rethink these things especially when living with someone else, but over time it became set in stone that any moral or ethical objection I had to anything was just me being a stupid 'puritan' and not to be pandered to. I cannot describe what a relief it was to be able to go back to making decisions that fitted my view of the world when I left him.

In the same way, your DH appears to have decided that any element of cleanliness or hygiene in your life together is pandering to 'your OCD' and he either must or can challenge this at every turn. Or that he should not allow cleanliness to play a part in his life at all, as this would be letting 'your OCD' take control.

In fact, is he objecting to YOU having any decision-making control in the relationship?

If you still need to hear it, well, I'm not quite Waynetta Slob but i'm pretty bad (if I clean the bath every 2 weeks I'm doing quite well) and I think most of what he has done is actively dangerous.

Omg is he feral? U r not over-reacting at all, these things r vile n actually putting the DC at risk.

he is lazy.

its not that he doesn't think these things need done, he just cant be arsed doing them.

I couldn't be with someone like this. LTB don't have anymore children with him.

He is disgusting.

I am quite slovenly and don't have high hygiene standards but those examples are really disgusting.

Given your other threads I'd say his dirty habits are the least of your concerns.

Isn't poo in water how cholera is spread?

YANBU he is beyond neglectful.

Annandale - spot on IMO.

All of these are utterly horrible, apart from the not cleaning the bath before use - if there were hairs etc there, I would rinse them away with the shower. I think the worst is putting the pooey baby in the bath - not OK in any shape or form, but worse doing it with other children to whom it caused distress - and then shouting at them. The using the same cloths and not enforcing handwashing after using the loo are potentially hazardous too, as is the deliberately letting the baby crawl where there is poo - it won't always be possible to prevent them putting unsavoury things in their mouths, but if you know beforehand, you do something about it. I also think three weeks is far too long to use a bath towel.

Apart from the cleaning the bath before use thing (quick swish with the shower attachment is fine) all these are grim.

I'm pretty lax about a lot of things, but there are some things you don't let slide - hand hygiene and body fluids being chief among tHem. I wash mine when I come in from outdoors too, although I accept that most folks don't. I'm convinced there's an inverse correlation between good hand hygiene and 'number of shitty bugs caught by the household per year.'

Hands need washing, properly, post loo and before food prep. No exceptions. Trust me, I'm a scientist, I know what lurks thereon.

Human poo is nasty stuff. It's not like horse or rabbit poo, which is generally benign, it is pretty much a biological weapon.

Separate cloths for floor and surfaces - actually I tend to clean the surfaces, then the floor, then bin the cloth. We also have no outdoor shoes in the house (wearing your shoes indoors here in Sweden is a massive faux pas, jaws would drop, children learn this as soon as they learn to toddle.)

He needs the basic rules laid down for him and he needs to sodding well stick to them.

Just to check, op, is he perhaps doing that "if I do it really badly she'll not ask me to do it again" thing? Because if he is, pull him up on it.

I have pretty low standards, but your original post made me feel sick and I would be extremely worried about children who were being cared for in this way. Agree with Mrs Devere that he probably needs someone else to tell him though.