To not let DH feed DS again?

[BumWad]

Surely IANBU.

I look at after 16 week old (8 weeks corrected) DS all week, DH works and sleeps in the spare room. We agreed that he would look after DS at the weekend nights allowing me to get some sleep.

DS has had a bit of a cold (his first one!) so his feeding has been a bit off however he has picked up. I have been making sure that I feed him atleast every 4 hours as he has been sleeping longer at night however not been feeding his required 'amount'.

At 22:00 last night I left DH with instructions to wake DS and feed him at approx 1am and 5am. I am currently pumping as DS refused breast at 12 weeks. I had left 2 bottles of ebm in the fridge.

So whilst I was pumping at 3:00 I heard DH get up to feed baby. I asked DH what had gone on, DH had great pleasure in informing me DS had slept woohoo!

DH then brought the milk up for DS, I asked how much and he said oh 90ml. I asked why he wasnt given him any more as there were 2 bottles in the fridge, and he usually has around 115ml per feed, DH then decided to tell me he had spilt a whole bottle by accident. As you can imagine I am still furious at that. The thing is if I hadn't asked how much he was feeding DS he would have just given him a lesser amount and left it at that!!!

Luckily as I was expressing I added a bit more milk to DS bottle.

However before then I heard DH shake the bottle of ebm to mix the infant gaviscon powder in. I have told many a time to swirl the milk not 'shake' it as some of the goodness is lost but he just does not listen.

Plus as I was going downstairs to put the expressed milk in the fridge I found a nice ring of fat on the previously expressed breastmilk bottle which DH had not warmed properly. It's the most important part of the feed ffs I have told DH so many times to make sure he warns the ebm properly so that the ring of fat is mixed in.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, the one night where i am able to catch up on some sleep and I'm sat in bed stressing about DS. I worry about the poor little thing probably more than I would if wasn't premature on top of having to pump regularly. I just can't seem to trust DH to feed him properly.

I feel like crying.

Your (8 week) DS is on the 5th/10th percentile. That's perfectly healthy. Unless you have been told by medics (a specialist rather then less knowledgable HV) that he needs to put on weight faster, you really need to stop being so obsessive about intake and sitting up/development. All children grow and develop at different rates. All mine were just above or below the bottom percentile and still are now primary/secondary aged. They are bright, coordinated, nimble, articulate, personable children. Bigger isn't better!

Here's DD's weight chart for her first year. She was 2 weeks overdue and was a whisker below the 91st centile at birth. By 12 weeks she was on about the 22nd centile, then followed the 25th for a bit before moving up to the 50th at 9.5 months and 75th by age 2. Down to the 50th at 3.5 and she's still there at almost 5.

Point is the centiles don't mean anything to babies. They don't relate well to breastfed babies and every baby is different. Appreciate it may be different for a preemie, but wanted to hopefully reduce some of your stress.

I'm so glad you seem a bit brighter today, OP. You're doing an amazing job - keep on buggering on x

OP, can I please beg you not to focus on weight too much? DD1 was 3 weeks early and v small - just over 4lbs. She lost quite a bit initially and then only put on vv slowly. I was running myself into the ground waking her in the night, on the advice of the HV, to feed and stressing about it constantly. Then one day I saw a different HV who saw how anxious I was and sat me down and told me what I should have known - that being small is not necessarily something to worry about in and of itself. If your son is developmentally ok then stop worrying about those stupid growth charts and let him, and you, sleep. Take care of yourself.

You sound like an incredibly devoted and loving mother but you are going to burn yourself out if you carry on as you are. Let yourselves get some more sleep if your LO wants to sleep on - you don't need to wake him to feed (and if you really do need to be feeding on schedule he can still do that asleep - dream feeds are magical!)

All new parents make mistakes. Your LO will not suffer if the milk isn't quite mixed enough. Please let your DH help you out and also bond with his son.

Oh I remember literally crying over spilt ebm! Your DH didn't do the best job but it sounds like it's exhaustion and new parenthood making everything so huge. You know him, if he won't do it right then explain why you can't let him do it. Every ounce feels so important right now. I hope your little one flourishes and starts guzzling like a champion.

APlaceOnTheCouch says what I was aiming for.

Glad you got out to the hairdressers, OP .

The needing to give instructions re the milkfat and shaking Every.Single.Time. would drive me cuckoo.

I wonder are there any leaflets on the composition of breastmilk and the importance of every element, that your DH could read and absorb? Could he have a chat with the HV or someone from the NNU himself? Could you ask them for printed resources for him?

There is a problem if he simply won't accept your word for it, but if he can manage to understand why you are telling him what to do and do it reliably, by means of authoritative sources elsewhere, then maybe let it go if all else is well between you.