To not let DH feed DS again?

[BumWad]

Surely IANBU.

I look at after 16 week old (8 weeks corrected) DS all week, DH works and sleeps in the spare room. We agreed that he would look after DS at the weekend nights allowing me to get some sleep.

DS has had a bit of a cold (his first one!) so his feeding has been a bit off however he has picked up. I have been making sure that I feed him atleast every 4 hours as he has been sleeping longer at night however not been feeding his required 'amount'.

At 22:00 last night I left DH with instructions to wake DS and feed him at approx 1am and 5am. I am currently pumping as DS refused breast at 12 weeks. I had left 2 bottles of ebm in the fridge.

So whilst I was pumping at 3:00 I heard DH get up to feed baby. I asked DH what had gone on, DH had great pleasure in informing me DS had slept woohoo!

DH then brought the milk up for DS, I asked how much and he said oh 90ml. I asked why he wasnt given him any more as there were 2 bottles in the fridge, and he usually has around 115ml per feed, DH then decided to tell me he had spilt a whole bottle by accident. As you can imagine I am still furious at that. The thing is if I hadn't asked how much he was feeding DS he would have just given him a lesser amount and left it at that!!!

Luckily as I was expressing I added a bit more milk to DS bottle.

However before then I heard DH shake the bottle of ebm to mix the infant gaviscon powder in. I have told many a time to swirl the milk not 'shake' it as some of the goodness is lost but he just does not listen.

Plus as I was going downstairs to put the expressed milk in the fridge I found a nice ring of fat on the previously expressed breastmilk bottle which DH had not warmed properly. It's the most important part of the feed ffs I have told DH so many times to make sure he warns the ebm properly so that the ring of fat is mixed in.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, the one night where i am able to catch up on some sleep and I'm sat in bed stressing about DS. I worry about the poor little thing probably more than I would if wasn't premature on top of having to pump regularly. I just can't seem to trust DH to feed him properly.

I feel like crying.

You sound tired OP. I know that when I'm tired I tend to get a lot more emotional about things than they really deserve.

DS1 was 6 weeks early and I expressed for him for quite a while because we had major problems with breastfeeding. It's a really tough way to feed them, much harder than either breastfeeding or bottle feeding alone is, especially if you're waking yourself up in the night to express (I used to express after every time DS1 had a feed and could keep up with demand that way).
And I wasn't glad that this meant DH could feed DS1 with a bottle. I was frustrated and sad that DS1 wouldn't breastfeed, especially as all the neo-nat natal staff said how important breastmilk was for premature babies, and being able to share feeds didn't seem like much of a consolation prize.

I found the expressing such an effort that I got very upset if even the tiniest bit got spilt so I can fully sympathise with your feelings on that. But your DH won't have done it on purpose. He really won't.

Does your DS definitely still need waking every 4 hours for feeds? Are there issues around weight gain that mean you've been told to wake him and feed him at these times? I know he's too young to be expected to sleep through, but it wouldn't be unusual for a typical 8 week old baby to start being able to go for more than 4 hours between feeds from time to time.

I agree that you need to discuss any concerns over correctly mixing the milk when you're calm. It's too easy for things to escalate or for him to get defensive if you raise these when you're cross. You're both trying to do the best for your son.

Re. the frozen ebm - I thought that you had to let it defrost in the fridge slowly? So your DH wouldn't have been able to use it for that feed anyway because it would be still frozen?

Op. My first ds wouldn't breast feed at all. I pumped for 3 months and I was shattered and would get funny if he didn't take enough, or my dh hadn't fed all of it to him because it took me so long to pump it. In the end I just had to give it and go with formula. I know not everyone wants to but for me I was much more relaxed after. I never knew anything about not shaking bottles though Surely you have to or it wouldn't be warm all the way through.

Get some sleep. No baby ever suffered long-term consequences from having their milk shaken on having a teaspoon less than usual. In the nicest possible way.

thecats You can swirl bottles to mix the milk as well. That'll be what the OP's doing if she's not shaking it.

OP is right that the advice for mixing breast milk is to swirl gently, not shake, as there is research to say that shaking it breaks down some of proteins that protect the guy, but even broken down they will still do some good and still offer more protection for your baby than formula, so the odd shaken feed there won't do any harm. And of course OP should be expressing at 3am, if she is exclusively expressing that is the best time of the day to do so as prolactin levels are highest at night.

OP, I understand how hard it can be to step back a bit and let someone else care for your precious baby, but it's important to let dads find their own way (and yes, make their own mistakes). I know how heartbreaking a full bottle of spilt EBM is, but it was an accident (probably because he was tired, most of us are clumsy when half asleep).

As for timings and volumes of feeds, had your baby had weight gain issues or is he thriving? If he has had issues gaining and you have been advised by paediatricians and dieticians to ensure a minimum volume/number of feeds, then I can understand your distress, but for most babies it's recommended to follow babies lead on timings and volumes of milk. It's not at all unusual for a 16 week old baby to start sleeping longer through the night (all mine never did, the demon) and even some 8 week old babies do. They will make up for the milk they didn't drink overnight in the daytime. If the amount of milk your DH gave the baby was not enough, the baby would not have settled or would have woken sooner for an additional feed, so your DH would have had to give him more if that's what he needed anyway. And your DH would have learned to offer more at a feed, just as mums do.

I don't think missing out on a little bit of fat in one bottle will do any harm, or a couple of bottles at weekends for that matter, when the rest of the time he is getting that lovely fatty milk.

Try to relax and enjoy your rest.

I have a feeling it won't reassure the OP that her DH didn't spill the milk on purpose.

The point here as far as I can discern is that the OP feels he didn't care enough about the effort and care involved in expressing to be careful not to spill by accident.

Accidents happen when people don't give enough attention to what they are doing. Feeding the baby is taking up a huge amount of the OP's attention, energy and time, but to her it seems it is not taking up enough of the DH's.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would have been to hear that a whole bottle of EBM had been spilled. Expressing is boring, lengthy work. You are working so hard to feed your baby.

That said, now that your baby is getting a little older, it's time to switch gears a bit. Remember that you are a partnership, and your husband will be a great help to you, he's just a bit lost at the moment and needs guidance. It can be hard to be patient in your situation, but encouragement will be the most helpful approach here.

I found my husband quite frustrating for the same reasons as you - didn't really listen, didn't seem to "get it". Why don't you ask him to find a marker and a big piece of paper, and stick them on the fridge. Then when you get a moment, write the feeding procedure up there. Include the schedule, and the instructions for warming the milk. Then sit down with him and go through each step and why it's important, and how it will impact on your baby (and you) if he doesn't complete each step. Even better, talk him through it as you are preparing the bottle, so it's less of a "him on one side of the table, you on the other"-style interrogation.

It does take time for tiny babies to put weight on, but you sound really on it, and your little one will gain weight steadily with your love and care. Take a deep breath, try to change your perspective and see this as a new beginning. Your partner will get it, he really will. When he gets it right, tell him so. It's annoying that men need so much bloody encouragement, but it does get results.

You're doing great. Hope you get some rest soon. It will get better xxx

www.bflrc.com/ljs/breastfeeding/shakenot.htm

This is probably why she doesn't want it shaken.
However op, try and be kind to each other - I know how tough it all is though, and you sound like you are doing really well. Remember you are a team though and sometimes things can seem really important when in the grand scheme of things the most important things are that you are all getting along.

On the volume of milk, surely if it wasn't enough for your baby he wouldn't have gone back to sleep as he would still have been hungry? Or if he did, he would just have woke sooner for his next feed? Babies are very good at regulating their own consumption. If DD only takes one breast before falling asleep in the night she then wakes after 2 hours for another feed, instead of 3-4 if she's had both breasts.

Good post from Japanese there too

In addition to what everyone has said, also be kind to yourself.
From someone who breastfed to over 1 year and as much as possible, don't lose sleep expressing in the early hours. Formula is basically just as good.
Why not combine the two types of feed and give yourself a much needed break?

If that's true then she she shouldn't be freezing t either

You can't ban him from feeding his baby. Yes it is concerning that he doesn't pay attention to the details but he fed him and looked after him. You sound sleep deprived and wrung out, and you need to be a team with him not working against each other.

I have a 10 week old (DC3) and i think you are being OTT! He has just started sleeping through most nights and i would never wake a sleeping baby unless a serious medical reason to do so! Can't comment on the breastfeeding/expressing as I have never been able to bf sadly (hardly any milk) but I hardly ever warm the bottles and he drinks them fine. Your DH sounds as if he is trying his best and you are both tired. As others have said you will laugh about all this later on.

I think I kind of know where you're coming from OP. Not with the feed timing - unless you've been given specific medical advice to continue waking him for feeds on a 4 hour basis even now at 8 weeks, you should see the delaying of feeds as a good thing. He's getting closer to sleeping through!

On the milk preparation, the actual mistakes won't harm your baby at all but I can see why you want your DH to listen to you and just do it as you've said - I daresay you've been given advice on how to use the Gaviscon etc, and you want to be able to just go to sleep on your nights off and know that you can trust him not to change things on the hoof. I do think if your DH looks at the bottle preparation and says to himself, this is hard, there's an easier way, then he should be able to speak to you about it during the day and maybe agree between you to vary things - but not just nod along and agree to do it how you do and then change his mind during the night.

I think some of the problem is that as the mum, particularly of a premature baby, you get really specific instructions on care of the baby and then you have to delegate to the baby's dad or other "help" and as they are getting the instructions second hand they tend to a) not listen and b) blame you if it's a bit complicated. I hated that. I had twins, they were only a month premature but there was still a lot of focus on how much they were feeding and stuff. Our HV suggested keeping a feed diary with times and amounts, which was very useful both in handing over to DH on weekend nights and also just to keep track myself of when I was likely to have to do the next feed (and to remember which baby to feed - I did feed one of them twice a couple of times!). When my mother visited she caught sight of this notepad and then went back to our hometown and shared with everyone how precious and overfocused motherhood is these days, we never had to do any of that and the babies survived etc etc.

It is virtually impossible to be reasonable and rational when as tired and stressed as you are OP.

Your baby is going to be OK. Remember you and DH need to work as part of a team of equals. Don't be the boss making all the decisions and checking up on whether he gets it wrong. Talk with him like japanese says.

Deciding that you yourself are the only person in the world capable of caring for your child 24-7 is a swift and sure route to madness. Don't go there.

About shaking.
In the lab we used to shake blood to prevent it from clotting. It required vigorous shaking for a long while and glass beads inside.
A few seconds shake will do very little to the proteins in milk.

In the nicest possible way op yabu. Babies do start to sleep through - they are suppose to, it's a good thing. Don't worry about how much he take by ml to much but how he is in himself. What he doesn't have overnight he'll make up for in the day. It is hard but leave DH to it and get some sleep it will make everything seem easier

presumably the baby need waking to feed as his weight gain is an issue? Hence the need to include the fat?

As the OP is working so hard to maintain the baby's weight, expressing full time (to the poster who said she is lucky the baby takes a bottle, did you not read the OP?) I think the DH should make an effort to do some of the hard work too and follow instructions.

Accidents also happen when people are tired. Which I'm sure her DH is, even if she's shouldering the majority of the care.

OP you need to get some sleep. And your husband needs to build up his confidence with your son, making his own thus far hardly earth shattering mistakes. You are obsessing over everything, which is hardly surprising in your sleep deprived state, but you need to let go.

When I was pumping that sent me round the twist a little, so there's that to contend with too. But, hard as it must be you need to relax a bit and give everyone a break.

In the most gentleest way..YABU. You're stressing yourself waaaaaay too much, being so anal, and being quite harsh on your husband. Mistakes happen - God knows I spilt precious breastmilk myself at 3am when utterly shattered (I also had to fully pump with both kids). My husband too accidentally spilt a couple of pots when he was equally zombified. Shit happens. Life could be far, far worse. Try not to stress over the small details - if your son sleeps, he sleeps - don't worry so much about "having" to wake him up to feed him. I was equally hung up on the small details with my first born but looking back I wish I had chilled out more, I enjoyed the second newborn way more because I wasn't so anal about everything.

Yabu - you are being overly brittle and controlling over things you need not be.

Your dh is your co parent remember, not your employee, and he doesn't actually have to do every minuscule thing according to your exacting standards. You need to unclench somewhat and get some perspective.

Having said all that, I do understand how huge it can all seem at the time...especially on no sleep.

Let your baby sleep, there's no need to wake him for feeds. Enjoy that extra sleep yourself, and let your dh look after his baby. Don't write instructions for him. You're exhausted but yabu.

We don't know that there is no need to wake him for feeds. People should stop saying that, there may well be every need for a baby with weight issues.