To not let DH feed DS again?

[BumWad]

Surely IANBU.

I look at after 16 week old (8 weeks corrected) DS all week, DH works and sleeps in the spare room. We agreed that he would look after DS at the weekend nights allowing me to get some sleep.

DS has had a bit of a cold (his first one!) so his feeding has been a bit off however he has picked up. I have been making sure that I feed him atleast every 4 hours as he has been sleeping longer at night however not been feeding his required 'amount'.

At 22:00 last night I left DH with instructions to wake DS and feed him at approx 1am and 5am. I am currently pumping as DS refused breast at 12 weeks. I had left 2 bottles of ebm in the fridge.

So whilst I was pumping at 3:00 I heard DH get up to feed baby. I asked DH what had gone on, DH had great pleasure in informing me DS had slept woohoo!

DH then brought the milk up for DS, I asked how much and he said oh 90ml. I asked why he wasnt given him any more as there were 2 bottles in the fridge, and he usually has around 115ml per feed, DH then decided to tell me he had spilt a whole bottle by accident. As you can imagine I am still furious at that. The thing is if I hadn't asked how much he was feeding DS he would have just given him a lesser amount and left it at that!!!

Luckily as I was expressing I added a bit more milk to DS bottle.

However before then I heard DH shake the bottle of ebm to mix the infant gaviscon powder in. I have told many a time to swirl the milk not 'shake' it as some of the goodness is lost but he just does not listen.

Plus as I was going downstairs to put the expressed milk in the fridge I found a nice ring of fat on the previously expressed breastmilk bottle which DH had not warmed properly. It's the most important part of the feed ffs I have told DH so many times to make sure he warns the ebm properly so that the ring of fat is mixed in.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, the one night where i am able to catch up on some sleep and I'm sat in bed stressing about DS. I worry about the poor little thing probably more than I would if wasn't premature on top of having to pump regularly. I just can't seem to trust DH to feed him properly.

I feel like crying.

Can't read and run but just quickly - what weight is your baby? I was told by paediatrician that you don't need to wake baby for feeds once the baby is at least 5kg in weight - presumably your baby is at least that? So if your baby is at least that, let them sleep! They'll wake when they are hungry.

OP.

You have finally given me an insight into what it must've been like to co-parent with me in those early, desparate, sleep-deprived days.

YANBU, but only because I remember what it is like. You will get past this, though.

And if it's the dark of night, and your baby wants to sleep? Let him sleep. That's how they learn to differentiate day and night.

Op you need to try and get some sleep and calm down. We all make mistakes in the middle of the night. Shaking bottles of my breast milk never split it. Not did I go into to over drive because dh once didn't put one in the fridge and left it on the side.

You both have a new born and are exhausted. Try to be kind to eachother and accept we all make mistakes. You will make a mistake in parenting, it's happens to us all. You need to stop coming down on yourself and dh so hard.

How are you feeling OP? I'm not going to add to whether you're being U or not because I think others have said what I would anyway.

But I wanted to take a minute to tell you to take a deep breath and be kind to yourself, and to your husband. The early hours of the morning are so tough when you're tired. Hopefully things seem different this morning for you.

I'm bfing my 17 week old and although she doesn't have EBM very often, it takes a lot for me to just let DH get on with it and not constantly badger him. I know when you're with the baby most of the time it's difficult to let it go. (Case in point - I put DD in our bed with DH last night while I went to the bathroom; we all went up together, both me and DH really tired. While in the bathroom I could hear her grizzling and could tell she just needed a cuddle and a snuggle. Came back to the bedroom and he was just holding her hand, which obviously did nothing! It was difficult to bite my tongue but I did, because berating him wouldn't have helped anything, and there was no harm done really.) Same with your baby - no harm will have been done and you both love and care for him. Cut yourselves a bit of slack

MsMargaret I agree. We were right on the borderline of premature with our twins so I have some appreciation of what's involved but in any case even if it was a 8 week old full term baby, if the DH is saying he'll do it her way and then not doing it, it is going to be hard for her to trust him. If they want to discuss changing the way they do things, fine, but how does anyone expect the woman to go and sleep peacefully if she knows that her husband's not necessarily going to do what they agreed?

MsMargaret
I think people know full well how hard it is. What I (and others) are concerned about is that the OP will run herself into the ground. She and her DH have to work together and she needs to find a way of stepping back a tiny bit otherwise she is going to make herself ill.

you sound shattered and upset. And tbh I don't think you are being unreasonable to be angry but I think you would be unreasonable if you let your DH get out of feeding too.

All the posters saying your DS will be ok are right - but that's not really the point here. You're bending over backwards to facilitate your DH's life by letting him sleep in a different room, etc, and the least he could do is follow your routine when it's his turn to step up. It's not about 'telling him what to do'. It's about him putting your wishes and his DS' needs before his need to sleep. And he let you down.

Your response to that, shouldn't be to absolve him of feeding duties. Well, unless you want to slowly end up doing everything for your DS whilst your DH swans in and out playing happy families as long as it doesn't involve actually pulling his weight.

So, instead of telling DH he can't feed DS anymore - get someone else to speak to him either a HV; midwife; bf group leader or your GP. Your DH needs to understand you're not just being difficult. You're actually running yourself into the ground to try to give your DS the best start. So take DH with you to a meeting with a healthcare professional who can explain why DS needs to be wakened for feeds; how bloody difficult expressing is and why breastmilk is like liquid gold as a PP said; why the fat is important for a preemie, etc.

Your DS is going to be fine regardless of whether your DH doesn't follow the routine for the 2 nights that he has to watch him. But tbh your DH needs to start respecting the sacrifices you are making for your DS and supporting you rather than undermining you. Hopefully your DH doesn't realise what he is doing and is just working on the basis that your DS will be fine. If your DH is deliberately being a dick so he doesn't have to do one single night shift then you have a much bigger problem.

They will move forward by the OP accepting that mistakes occur when people are tired feeding a newborn baby in the dead of the night. If she constantly refers to her DP/DH errors and won't trust him to do it properly again then it will have a big impact of their parenting together.

My DS was born at 36 weeks weighing 2.2kg. He could only take a very small amount of formula at any one time and so consequently woke every 1.5hrs through the night. Sometimes I was so tired that I sleep through his crying and DH had to give him his bottle. Tiredness occasionally made us both careless with how we prepared the bottles but neither of us chastised the other as we knew both we were trying to muddle through parenting together

Unlike some on here, I don't feel sorry for your DH at all. He gets 5 nights a week uninterrupted sleep. You get none. Massive disparity there. With all that sleep too you'd think he would remember a few basic instructions. I suspect he manages it at work.

I think what mathanxiety said is interesting. You are expanding massive amounts of time and energy feeding your child (been there, done that, got the t-shirt) and he is being careless and a bit haphazard. That would grate. Big time.

What is he doing otherwise to support you? Does he understand how worn out you are (I mean if we can tell from a couple of posts on the internet then he would have to be extraordinarily unfeeling not to realise it when he lives with you)? Does he care that you are this worn down?

I know exactly how you feel (had many similar feelings towards my DH since we had our son!), but it is exhaustion making you feel this way.

Unless you have had medical advice telling you to wake your baby to feed at night, I would experiment with letting him sleep until he wakes in his own. Sleep is also important for development, and my own experience is that a well-rested baby feeds better. You may find he starts to take more during the day. You could even offer more often during the day if you're concerned.

As for the amounts, I imagine your son would let your DH know in uncertain terms if 90ml wasn't enough ;). And I do get that it feels like your DH was being slack, but he did the essentials with love and it's probably healthy for one partner to have a 'big picture' perspective!

I get it about the spilled milk, too (I - unreasonably - lost it one day when my DH accidentally poured a bottle away) but the sting will go and in time you'll see it for the accident it was.

In sum, YABU to never let your DH feed your son again, but I get why you feel that way :)

I understand. My son was 5 weeks early and 4lb3, we were waking him to start with although by the time he was 13 weeks he was gaining weight and sleeping well. He never breast fed (couldn't latch due to undiagnosed tongue tie) but I pumped until my milk supply suddenly dropped around 4 months, including once in the night to try and keep my supply up.

But unless weight gain is a concern and you've been advised to wake to feed, yabu. Your baby will wake when hungry and won't fall asleep if he hasn't had enough milk.

You are probably very tired and not at your most rational with such a young baby though!

My DS also preferred his milk from the fridge and wouldn't drink it much warmer than totally cold so we stopped warming it when he was gaining weight nicely.

Wow i didn't expect so many replies!

Reading back I probably do sound slightly unhinged. I guess I was incredibly stressed and exhausted last night. Adding to it I have now had my second horrific period post birth (how does that work when breastfeeding ).

To answer a few questions, DH is usually absolutely fantastic and we do make a really good team. He helps around so much and always lets me get some sleep. I guess I was annoyed last night because I am sick of repeating myself about the not shaking of ebm and making sure he gets the fatty cream from the milk (drilled to us by the NNU team) I have to tell him at every feeding, I know he doesn't do it on purpose but what is so hard about following instructions? I know the spilling milk was a mistake, I didn't have a go at him about it, nevertheless it broke my heart that little bit, it is such hard work expressing.

As somebody mentioned earlier about letting baby sleep, his weight gain had been ok until recently and he is still not 5kg (at 16 weeks) hence waking him up for feeding (can I make point of the to the midwife that replied to earlier on in the thread) As he had a cold a few days ago we have been leaving him as he has been so snotty and not able to feed well but yesterday picked up. To put it in perspective he is probably having 60% of what he should normally feed and his 'normal' amount is still less than the recommended ml for his weight! Which is why I am obsessive about feeding him that extra ounce, surely others would be the same?

I'm sure I would be far more relaxed if DS was not premature and had been born a good weight. I'm sure he'll catch up however looking at other babies his age at 16lb and holding their heads up etc and then looking at my little 10lb baby really gets to me, I just want him to put weight on and do well. A friend of mine met at the NNU has been told to feed her DS 4 hourly at night as weight gain has been slow as her baby has been sleeping through, I just don't want DS to start slowing with his weight gain again, he has already dropped a percentile.

To others that asked why I was expressing in the night, I have to otherwise my milk supply will diminish and I really am trying my best to keep going with giving DS as much breast milk as possible. We have started with formula he is on approx two bottles a day but it doesn't agree much with the infant gaviscon (constipation).

I am feeling a little better after sleeping last night, currently at the hairdressers whilst DH looks after DS

It was a joint decision for DH to sleep in the spare room in the week, he has a long commute and was literally falling asleep at the wheel.

OP YANBU you shouldn't feel stressed or anxious you have a small baby to take care off, you're up all night, your exhausted, you need DH to understand you, talk to you and at least to acknowledge his mistakes and take things seriously
Do talk to him cause you need each other, it's a teamwork you're in it together. He probably didn't understand the urgency of the matter so please no shouting no argument just talk to him

It's tough at the beginning no doubt but you're absolutely doing a great job!!

Well done for getting to the hairdressers, I didn't manage it with a young baby!

I'm glad you got some sleep, after all, things do always seem a bit better when it's not the middle of the night. Hope you have a good day and sleep better tonight too.

To put it in perspective he is probably having 60% of what he should normally feed and his 'normal' amount is still less than the recommended ml for his weight! Which is why I am obsessive about feeding him that extra ounce, surely others would be the same?

Those mums that breastfeed "normally" have no way of knowing how much their baby has had: the only thing they can gauge is time and frequency. So maybe relax a little about that and just feed when he's hungry.

To others that asked why I was expressing in the night, I have to otherwise my milk supply will diminish and I really am trying my best to keep going with giving DS as much breast milk as possible. We have started with formula he is on approx two bottles a day but it doesn't agree much with the infant gaviscon (constipation).

You're absolutely spot on. I took it week by week. Still can't believe I managed the best part of 9 months! Do what works for you.

A place on the couch has summed my thoughts up perfectly.

I expressed for 8 wks b4 establishing 'normal breastfeeding' & I have so much respect for people who do it.

I hope your DH has just had an off night and is not setting precedent.

I'm glad you're feeling better OP.

Have you had a talk with DH about things in the light of day?

I've already commented OP but your update hit a spot with me about seeing the other babies and just wanting DS to catch up. I'm just home from trying to buy DS his first shoes as he's nearly 1 and thankfully has hit all development milestones but he's still small and his feet weren't even on the scale yet. It brought all those feelings back and I felt awful and guilty as there was a 10 month old there who looked like he could eat DS!

I suppose I'm saying that all these feeling are normal when you've had a preemie so please don't beat yourself up about it and for what it's worth - I'd be fed up reminding DH too!

its not up to you to 'let' the child's other parent feed him. he gets to decide that for himself. being his parent and all. like you. you aren't the boss of your child.

My dd wasn't premium but almost 8 lb at birth. At 16 weeks, she was just over 11 lb. Her weight gain was slow because she had colic and wouldn't drink milk in any real quantity. She dropped down the centiles and looked so skinny and scrawny next to babies her age. I completely understand how you can be obsessed with weight and the worry it can cause. However, you mustn't compare him to full term babies of the same age. He will catch up. My dd did. Weaning made a massive difference and that isn't far away for you and your ds. It took dd 2 years to move back up the centiles. She is now a healthy and robust 4 year old. Hope the new do has made you feel a bit better. Write the instructions down for your dh and stick them to the fridge and microwave.

premature not premium!

Glad you seem a little calmer today OP.

You have my sympathy. I haven't had a premmie, but friends have and it is so so hard.

Just a couple of practical things.

Can I ask, have you been told to wake four hourly? You only mention your friend being told to.

How often does he feed in the day? If he's not actively asking in the night, you might want to focus on upping feed frequency then if you and your doctors are concerned about weight gain or how much he's eating.