To not let DH feed DS again?

[BumWad]

Surely IANBU.

I look at after 16 week old (8 weeks corrected) DS all week, DH works and sleeps in the spare room. We agreed that he would look after DS at the weekend nights allowing me to get some sleep.

DS has had a bit of a cold (his first one!) so his feeding has been a bit off however he has picked up. I have been making sure that I feed him atleast every 4 hours as he has been sleeping longer at night however not been feeding his required 'amount'.

At 22:00 last night I left DH with instructions to wake DS and feed him at approx 1am and 5am. I am currently pumping as DS refused breast at 12 weeks. I had left 2 bottles of ebm in the fridge.

So whilst I was pumping at 3:00 I heard DH get up to feed baby. I asked DH what had gone on, DH had great pleasure in informing me DS had slept woohoo!

DH then brought the milk up for DS, I asked how much and he said oh 90ml. I asked why he wasnt given him any more as there were 2 bottles in the fridge, and he usually has around 115ml per feed, DH then decided to tell me he had spilt a whole bottle by accident. As you can imagine I am still furious at that. The thing is if I hadn't asked how much he was feeding DS he would have just given him a lesser amount and left it at that!!!

Luckily as I was expressing I added a bit more milk to DS bottle.

However before then I heard DH shake the bottle of ebm to mix the infant gaviscon powder in. I have told many a time to swirl the milk not 'shake' it as some of the goodness is lost but he just does not listen.

Plus as I was going downstairs to put the expressed milk in the fridge I found a nice ring of fat on the previously expressed breastmilk bottle which DH had not warmed properly. It's the most important part of the feed ffs I have told DH so many times to make sure he warns the ebm properly so that the ring of fat is mixed in.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, the one night where i am able to catch up on some sleep and I'm sat in bed stressing about DS. I worry about the poor little thing probably more than I would if wasn't premature on top of having to pump regularly. I just can't seem to trust DH to feed him properly.

I feel like crying.

Op I had a 32 weeker too. Have a hug.

It's ok. The baby is ok. If he's still gaining weight over all it's fine by this point. All the stuff they tell you about a 4/5 pound teeny doesn't apply by to an 8 week old term baby. The spilt milk is irritating but the rest, do you honestly think your dh would try to hurt the baby? He does things differently and it's okay. I understand the obsession I've been there but for your own good you need to try to trust him. And it's ok now to believe the baby is and will be fine. All that stress, worry, uncertainty, you can relax by now. You're doing a great job.

It must be so hard having a prem particularly.

Being the main carer, mums often know their babies needs most but are at the same time physically and mentally exhausted. It's easy to become hyper aware. You do need to be able to trust your partner to care for DS too but if he's not doing it regularly enough, he will struggle to have the routine cemented in his brain. The other to consider is that he may in the future have different ideas about things. When DS is older, DH might have different ideas about weaning/discipline/homework He might have thought sleeping longer was a positive thing. Maybe you could talk to a HV as he could be correct.

OP hold in your mind that your DS is healthy and that your DH is behind you on the baby learning curve. Maybe clear bullet point instructions might help?

You really can't not let him feed his own child. I know you do most of the care but he is a parent too. My baby is one now and sometimes I have to sit on my hands when my husband does things like feeding or changing her in a different way that I would. Please be kind to each other and yourself. I can imagine you're knackered, but it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong, just different.

No use crying over spilt breast milk Op.

I understand your frustrations when you're so hard on yourself to get everything right and it's so important that everything is done the right way, but you need to back off on this a bit and stop obsessing about every little detail. He can feed the child, and should, without you looming over his shoulder judging him.

In the end this behaviour will harm you, harm your dh and harm the relationship you have with each other. You should be bonding over your gorgeous little one not squabbling over him.

You're tired, I know. So have an un-mumsnetty hug. And a coffee. And a big piece of cake. And a rest.

It will all be ok. Trust us.

, I know you are knackered and you are getting yourself in a worry over nothing. If a baby is sleeping, don't wake it for a feed, it will wake when it needs, just enjoy the peace. Cut dh some slack you are both new at this.

Just coming at this from a slightly different angle - maybe OP came on here to vent because she knows DH didn't mean to spill the milk etc and doesn't want to have a go at him.
I'd be internally cross with DH for all of those things! Especially at 3am with a newborn. I imagine the early days with a prem baby are particularly stressful too. I'm sure I snapped at DH for far less significant things in those early days.
OP, you know he didn't do it deliberately but it's completely fine to want to scream "you total DICK DH" even if he doesn't deserve it sometimes because you're knackered and you've got a baby.
If coming on here for a vent stops you actually screaming that at him, then vent all you want.
It's hard work having a baby!

be kind to yourself. I hope you got some decent sleep in the end. Having a baby is a stressful time, try to relax, you are doing a great job.

Let your DH do his share, it's his baby too, explain why you were upset, but let it pass and don't allow this to drive a wedge between you.

Things seem huge and impossible to get over in the early hours, but you have to move past this feeling, for your own peace of mind.

Totally that. Be kind to yourself OP

Sounds like you have the crazys, clearly brought on by tiredness. Shaking the milk wont damage it, bless you.
I understand you getting cross about the spilt bottle but it was an accident, he didn't throw it down the sink or anything.
You need to relax & let your DH get on with it, he is his parent too.

If your ds will take milk from a bottle then that's a good thing - loads of babies won't touch bottles when they're used to breastfeeding (my son didn't and I was so desperate for him to, I was knackered ). So what I'm trying to say is if you have the opportunity to grab some sleep knowing your ds won't starve then take it! Sounds like you need the rest flowers

This just doesn't work for exclusive expressers. Missing a pump impacts on supply dramatically. (I know, I did it myself for 8 months.). The 3-4 hourly alarms are crucial.

You poor thing, you sound exhausted. Can you get out for some time on your own, even if it's just for a walk around the block? It might help you gain some perspective? Health visitors can be very useful, too, have you got a good one? Your baby will be OK whatever sort of milk he gets. Everything will be OK.

To the OP, (((hugs))). I remember those days. It's hard. Really hard. My husband worked away and was only home for 36 hours a week, so we had some damage limitation here! While I was fastidious about pumping every 3-4 hours, I never woke DD for a feed. Even if she had a cold and went off food I left her to it. If they're hungry, they'll feed. It's a very basic instinct for babies.

Hope things settle for you soon. You're doing brilliantly.

Op baby will take what they need, one day they will hardly have any milk, as like dd, then another day they will be guzzling it down. There are no rules, feed baby when hungry however much they want. And yes be kind to yiyrself

I say this with kindness - your lack of sleep has driven you mad!

When you are less tired and overwrought, read your OP back to yourself.

You poor thing, you sound exhausted. You need to prioritise getting yourself some rest otherwise YOU are going to start making mistakes because right now you sound like you don't know which way is up.

let your DH take charge of the baby today and you get yourself some rest, and by rest I mean SLEEP, not Mnetting, not catching up on washing, SLEEP - you hear me lady!!

I don't know about premies but wake a sleeping baby? no no no no NO!

Be kind to yourself and to your DH. One less than perfect feed won't undo all the good work to date. You have been under pressure for 16 weeks now and you sound frazzled. One of the hardest thinks to do as a parent is to step back and let someone else care for your child (I would imagine that is even more the case with a premature baby). I remember the first time I left DH alone with DS1 I was really unsettled.
You need to sit and chat to your DH in a calm way about what needs to be done but you then have to let him do it.

I exclusively expressed for Dd2, I understand how tiring it is. I dropped the middle of the night express when dd was 12 weeks. I then expressed at 11pm and 6am.
I would give your husband some slack unless your son is loosing weight. You need some sleep, he needs to learn, but without being critized. It might be more useful popping a chart by the microwave saying 100ml takes 20 seconds etc. Frozen milk shouldn't be defrosted in the microwave but in a bowl of water.

Things not thinks

God this thread is frustrating reading. So many people commenting who haven't had a premature baby and/or exclusively expressed. It's incredibly hard work, you need to follow specific instructions and I'll bet the OP's DH manages to do trickier jobs at work without getting it wrong. Spilling the milk = totally understandable, not saying what had happened = guaranteed to piss off an anxious exhausted mother!

I've spilt bottles of my own EBM. Not because I was careless, because I was exhausted.

Agree MrsMargaret. OP YANBU!

I express for DH to give when I'm at my work. Being a grown man able to follow simple instructions he knows not to shake it and to make sure the fatty cream bit is in too. And we don't have the worry that comes with a prem.

I'll be honest, I gasped when I saw he'd spilt some. I'd cry. It's such hard work.

Yep, and also hedgehog and people have missed that the OP says she's explained repeatedly. A one-off isn't the end of the world but how are they supposed to move forward if she doesn't trust him to remember next time?