To think it might have been my mum's fault that I was born prematurely?

[premborn]

According to my mum, I was born at 35 weeks. She told me that she had a traumatic birth. She was in labour for 20 hours, and forceps were needed because she was exhausted and I was in distress. After that, I had to stay in hospital for a month before being allowed home. My mum said I had to stay in because I had a low birth weight. I think she said I weighed 5 pounds and 6 ounces at birth. I'm in my 20s now.

I have had some concerns about this for a long time, but a recent Asperger's diagnosis, along with research I've done on brain development in the last few weeks of pregnancy, has brought it more sharply into focus for me. My mum swears that she didn't smoke while she was pregnant, but she has always smoked for as long as I've known her. I persuaded her to switch to e-cigarettes a few years ago, but she still smokes regular cigarettes occasionally. I don't think I believe that she didn't smoke while she was pg. Also, she has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. This has made me suspect that she either smoked, didn't eat properly while she was pregnant, or both, and that caused me to be born prematurely. I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy. I also know that babies born prematurely have increased risk of various health problems, but the ones of most interest to me are the increased risk of psychological or mental issues later in life (including learning difficulties, ADHD and autism). The risk is increased even for babies born 1-2 weeks prematurely, and increases dramatically depending how premature they are.

I just think that perhaps if my mum had taken better care of herself I might not have been premature, so my brain would have developed fully and I wouldn't have the condition that defines me as a person. I'd be normal, basically. AIBU?

Yabu. Your mum did the best she could at the the time and in the circumstances. She's probably beaten herself up more times than you've had hot dinners. There are also plenty of people born full term with a number of health conditions.

I think that the problem is that many posters on here have DC with ASC and would be mortified if it was suggested that they were responsible for causing any issues. So i think that suggesting there is a link could be very upsetting.

YABVVVVVVU

She said she didn't and you'll never know for sure so no point dwelling on it, nothing can change it now.
I can understand how you feel though, smoking when pregnant is just horrible.

YABU. My Mum definitely smoked when she was pregnant, and drank alcohol - I was born in the 1960s before the risks were known - and I have done just fine in life.

What do you plan to do with this information?

Do you get on with your mum, or not?

I have a congenital condition that has resulted in a fair amount of childhood surgery, pain, uncertain future in terms of severe pain and so on and so forth.

It seems that this was passed on by a parent, who had something similar but minor, and a grandparent as well.

But, I get on with that parent. They didn't do it on purpose. I went through a phase of being angry with them when I was a teen and my future was very uncertain and I went a bit off the rails. But, what is to gain from blame?

So, maybe she did and maybe she didn't, maybe it contributed or caused and maybe it didn't. But what's done is done, and what good would it do anyone to dwell on it all?

I personally believe that autism/aspergers is genetic. I also personally believe that most people are somewhere on the spectrum, however mild, and therefore not diagnosed.

My DS has aspergers, I smoked lightly until 12 weeks, (lightly, once or twice a week) I ate very well, he was 10 days late, and he still has aspergers.

I know people that had textbook pgs and has children with health issues and some that smoked and drank all through and had children without issues.

You can spend time blaming your mum if you need to, but will that help you ?

As a parent of a child with ASD I have spent too much time looking for reasons to blame myself

BUT apportioning blame won't change a thing, someone trying to live with guilt or resentment about things won't help. The important thing is that support is provided and given not to worry about things which can never be proven and which won't change how things are anyway.

Being born a couple of weeks earlier does not increase your risk of autism

what Whirlpool said definitely

What do you plan to do with this information?

holding on on it, will only cause you pain in the long run, you probably wont find out in your lifetime what caused your condition

I am sorry OP for your difficulties, AD etc however what do you hope to achieve in now seeking to apportion 'blame'.

Speaking as a mother Myself I can say it is very difficult to achieve 'optimum' conditions for any fetus, I did not drink or smoke during my pregnancies however ai did needd to take fairly regular pain relief ( paracetamol) to offer some relief for sever headaches. It now transpires that taking this previously thought to harmless medicine may cause some abnormalities of genitalia in boys ( my eldest has phimosis so this may be 'my' fault).

My own Mother did smoke ( not much but still) and probably didn't eat we'll during her pregnancy with me, I was born with an obvious and lifelong health problem which is visible for all to See. Maybe she 'caused' this??

Most of us are not 'perfect' however we gain nothing by harbouring anger and blaming our mothers for the possibility of having been damaged in utero.

My god. As the mother of a premature baby I think she would be horrified to hear you say that and that she has probably already spent much time dwelling on all the ways it could possibly (or even impossibly) be her fault.

What difference would it make if you found out she had been smoking? It wouldn't change anything for you and all the negative bitterness or blame won't make you any happier. I think you would be better to forget about looking for a "cause" and try to move on with your life as the person you are.

Yabu. My pregnancy with my son was textbook, abstaining from everything they advised to. He was 39 weeks. He's ASD.

I was born at 41w, naturally, healthy, breastfed for 15m or so, wonderful pregnancy and I am going to start ASD diagnosis after my sons.

So yabu. Don't blame your mum for this.

I think you might be too focused on finding some sort of root cause for your dx. Sometimes things happen. I have a genetic condition which has affected my life but I have never ever blamed my DP's for this. I have just accepted it as one of those things.

My son was born at 34 weeks, was that my fault too?

YABU. You're making a lot of assumptions - that your mum behaved in a way she specifically said she didn't, that this behaviour caused you health problems... At the end of the day you are who you are - I agree with the PP that you are not helping yourself by holding on to any bitterness. So while you can't know about what has hurt you in the past and can't do anything about the past, you can know what is hurting you now and make changes in your life to improve it. Good luck.

Your post gives me the chills.

DS2 was born at 30 weeks. Was it my fault? I don't know. He has a lifelong condition because of his early birth.

I can't turn back the clock, but I love him as he is. He's wonderful.

not sure where you get the info about psychological/mental issues for babies born 3 or 4 weeks early
my son was born at 36 weeks - no I did not smoke, it was other reasons and he is fine, well educated and no MH problems
think of all the multiple births that are delivered 2 or 3 weeks early weighing 2 or 3 lbs, what about foetuses (sp.) that are viable at 26 weeks
do a bit more research if you really want more facts on the cause of your problems and you may well be wrong about blaming your mother. .

Yabu, I agree you sound bitter. You wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for her. Plenty of people have difficulties even when they weren't premature and their parents did everything "by the book".

You aren't unreasonable to believe it.

My mother smoked 40-60 a day deliberately to decrease my size to make birthing easier, I was 4 pounds.

However, moving on from it is going to be difficult if she keeps lying to you about it. But move on you must as there's nothing to be done but express your feelings to her and try to come to terms with it

You're being very bitter here & with the diagnosis is understandable but you should talk to your mother.
Smoking wouldn't have been the only reason. I know of loads of smoker babies & they all went to term if not over. Can cause low birth weight though.

But shouldn't point the blame solely at her, I was induced at 37 weeks due to issues, I would absolutely hate myself if I thought I gave my son a risk of what you've listed.

You may have simply been an early baby with all the issues she had. I would talk this through as holding onto this will not help.

Given that the links with autism are very tenuous, yabu.

I was born at 36 weeks, weighing 5lbs4, to a mother who smoked (1960s) and I'm fine. Fit as a lop and had one chest infection in my entire life, no asthma etc. My twin brothers were born at 34 weeks weighing 3lbs4 and 4lbs3. They are also fit and healthy, neither has autism.

I suspect my dad had Aspergers. His mother didn't smoke and he was born early (Coventry bombing scared him out of there ). Both my children are on the spectrum. They are twins and were born by c-section (planned) at 38 weeks. Most research points to autism having genetic factors.

YABU. My son was born at 35 weeks. I done everything "right". Sometimes these things happen.