To think it might have been my mum's fault that I was born prematurely?

[premborn]

According to my mum, I was born at 35 weeks. She told me that she had a traumatic birth. She was in labour for 20 hours, and forceps were needed because she was exhausted and I was in distress. After that, I had to stay in hospital for a month before being allowed home. My mum said I had to stay in because I had a low birth weight. I think she said I weighed 5 pounds and 6 ounces at birth. I'm in my 20s now.

I have had some concerns about this for a long time, but a recent Asperger's diagnosis, along with research I've done on brain development in the last few weeks of pregnancy, has brought it more sharply into focus for me. My mum swears that she didn't smoke while she was pregnant, but she has always smoked for as long as I've known her. I persuaded her to switch to e-cigarettes a few years ago, but she still smokes regular cigarettes occasionally. I don't think I believe that she didn't smoke while she was pg. Also, she has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. This has made me suspect that she either smoked, didn't eat properly while she was pregnant, or both, and that caused me to be born prematurely. I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy. I also know that babies born prematurely have increased risk of various health problems, but the ones of most interest to me are the increased risk of psychological or mental issues later in life (including learning difficulties, ADHD and autism). The risk is increased even for babies born 1-2 weeks prematurely, and increases dramatically depending how premature they are.

I just think that perhaps if my mum had taken better care of herself I might not have been premature, so my brain would have developed fully and I wouldn't have the condition that defines me as a person. I'd be normal, basically. AIBU?

I think you can never know.

And that is AWFUL.

But, it is what it is, and that very unsatisfactory fact must be borne.

Would it help to know, for example, your mum had taken a drug one night / eaten rancid chicken / drunk neat vodka for days?

Yes, you could rant at her (although there wouldn't necessarily be a correlation between her actions and your health) but it wouldn't change anything now.

I agree with missymayehemsmum

Feel sad for your baby self (and your mum re delivery etc).
You had a tough start.
It may or may not have affected who you are now.

I am sorry you are feeling so upset.
Be kind to yourself.

1. there comes a point in life where you have to stop blaming your parents for mistakes they may or may not have made that may or may not have had an effect on how you've turned out. the sooner you reach this point the happier you will be. forgive your mum. for your own sake.

2. I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy
   are you saying you believe babies' brains stop developing a few days before birth?

I also know that babies born prematurely have increased risk of various health problems, but the ones of most interest to me are the increased risk of psychological or mental issues later in life (including learning difficulties, ADHD and autism). The risk is increased even for babies born 1-2 weeks prematurely, and increases dramatically depending how premature they are.

Source?

I've never heard any of this, and I was born at 28 weeks 35 years ago.

I'm pretty normal... I hope.

I think you are trying to pin your autism on your mother when in fact it is a genetic thing. You have probably inherited it from a relative but really it could be any relative. If you have children there is a possibility they might be on the spectrum too. No body is to blame, it's just how it is.

Secondly, full term is considered to be 37 weeks. At 35 weeks you were almost full term. The prem babies I know were born at 27 weeks or 29 weeks, which is hugely different!

Op I think you need support to deal with your diagnosis because it sounds as if you are (understandably ) struggling to come to terms with it.

The reason your post has generated so many posts is guilt. From mums of premature babies or children on the spectrum. It is misplaced - most mums did absolutely everything right but the pregnancy / birth didn't go well and they feel guilty that they did something wrong. Suggesting as a child that your mum did something wrong is cruel. It just magnifies all those feelings of guilt that she shouldn't be feeling in the first place but no doubt does.

I had twins at 27 weeks, both just over 2 lbs. They are healthy but 10 years on, when I see the scars on my DS' tummy where the long line went in or the scar on my DD's heel from the constant heel pricks, I am haunted that I did something wrong.

I would be devastated if they blamed me in later life.

Don't damage your relationship with your mum.

About the smoking during pregnancy. You will just have to accept your mothers word she didn't. Unless you know she has a tendency to lie of course?

My mum is shockingly healthy, never smoked and I was over a week overdue. I have Asd, it's genetic.

I'm a mum of several premature babies so far it's been a mix of on time amd prems having ASD.

I don't feel shit about the question.

Op unless your mum has form for lying (and I mean proper lying not just not being as precise as you would like) then I think you just have to take her word for it.

As to her eating disorder, that is an illness and something that is outside of her control

Either way it is unlikely that anybody will know precisely what causes each individual case in our life time. Guessing is not going to make anything better for you nor is it going to help you in any way.

It can be very strange getting a dx and impact on people differently, I wish you well as you work through your feelings

I think you probably need to come to terms with and embrace the positive things about autism. You need to learn to hold yourself and the autism in a positive light

YABU- if being a parent has taught me anything, it's that maybe we shouldn't judge our mothers harshly until we have brought our own children up from day one with no mistakes being made.

Yes she might have smoked, and yes she mau have had an eating disorder... These were both probably things that were part of her life before her pregnancy with you. What would you have preceded, she didn't have you?

Have a little understanding toward the woman who conceived, carried and brought you up.

Btw- I was a premie baby too, about 3lb 3oz, and my mother smoked during her pregnancy.... I'm just thankful to her that I'm alive.

I have a mullerian anomaly. As a result dd1 was born at 37 weeks and dd2 at 32. So it was definitely my fault, my body wouldn't hold them any longer. I truly hope they don't blame me when they grow up.

What is it you struggle with OP?

*prefered not preceeded

I think you would do well with some counselling if you are even thinking about this

I was born at 25 weeks and was a twin, my mum smoked drank and eat liver and tuna/soft cheeses and even guinness by the pint full's as that was recommended at the time, My mum has acute mental health issues and my dad died with alcoholism and a very young age.

I am a various health problems and dont blame my parents, you need to see that you cant blame your parents.

And for what's its worth my little boy with ASD and learning difficulties was two weeks late and weighed healthy 8lb 4oz!

Agree with getting support around your recent DX. Worth thinking it through.

No point blaming your DM. Won't get you anywhere, she has told you what she believes, to question her will just be to create further distress. And if she did smoke, she won't have been doing so consciously to harm her baby. She just won't have believed the data.

My DM smoked through her pregnancies. DSis was a bouncing 8 lbs to term. I was prob premie, 4 lbs went down to 3.5 lbs. what can you tell from that ? We gave AS in our genes, and ? No point worrying about it.

You sound really sad and frustrated op.
Do you and your Mum get on ?
Tbh I don't think you can blame prematurity for having Aspergers, I have 30 weeker twins. Out of all the health problems they could have had no one mentioned Autism or other spectrum disorders to us.
I know quite a few ex micro preemies with cp, but that's completely different kettle of fish

I don't think anyone really knows what causes ASD but in my experience, it seems to be genetic. I've heard of lots of family members having it. I know two sisters who both have severe autism. I also know identical twins who have autism - makes sense except one is non-verbal and the other one is verbal and nowhere near as bad as his brother. What made them so different? They both had the same pregnancy and type of birth. Who knows.

Are you sure your mother isn't on the spectrum herself? Just makes me wonder as you say she's had an eating disorder most of her life. If you look up the link between eating disorders and Asperger's it appears a lot of women with anorexia in particular have it or have the traits. An eating disorder is a mental illness by the way, it's not a case of your mother not looking after herself well enough.

Anyway, I'm sure any one of us could link something to our parents. I have severe depression and anxiety - my mother was very stressed in her pregnancy with me and it can be linked. Do I blame her for that? No. Because it's pointless - it's not going to change anything. You don't know that you'd be 'normal' if you'd been born on time. Some autistic people are born prematurely, some are overdue, some are late. You really don't know what would have happened and so torturing yourself over it isn't going to do you any good.

And it doesn't have to define you as a person. I understand why you feel that way if you're newly diagnosed but having Asperger's is just a part of you like having depression is a part of me (I also have Asperger's traits for what it's worth, had a couple of people tell me they think I'm autistic).

OP - I doubt your mum harmed you deliberately.

I can't blame you for being bitter. I was the same at your age and still am occasionally.

It might have been your mum's fault that you were born prematurely but you need to get past it. You can't change it and you certainly can't prove that it was her fault. Babies are born prematurely all the time to mothers who look after themselves during pregnancy.

I know for a fact that my mum smoked when she was pregnant with me. She definitely didn't eat properly either as she was overweight and told not to put any weight on during pregnancy.

I was born at full term but I had a very low birth weight (4lbs 8oz) and I was very sick at birth. My sister was 6 weeks premature. It could have been my mum's fault but it's also likely that it was "just one of those things".

What do you hope to gain from this?

Part of growing up is realising that your parents are ordinary human beings and therefore fallible. Perhaps counselling might be helpful to come to terms with your diagnosis.

I haven't looked at the research wrt asd and smoking in pregnancy. AFAIK nobody really knows what causes it, there are lots of possible factors that may or may not have an impact. From what I have read, genetics plays a large part.

Maybe your prematurity was a factor, maybe it wasn't. Maybe your DM smoked during pg, maybe she's telling the truth. Lots of women who smoke just about manage to abstain during pregnancy but relapse very soon after the birth.

Today in the UK, around 12% of pregnant women are smokers at the time of delivery. This could be lower if pg women didn't feel too ashamed to ask for help. As it is, NICE have to publish specific guidance to help stop smoking advisors overcome the shame hurdle before they can do their job and help PG smokers to quit.

MN could be much better at supporting pg women who smoke. I haven't had time to read the whole thread so I don't know if anybody has come out with the usual nastiness about pg smokers. I hope not because it really isn't helpful.