To think it might have been my mum's fault that I was born prematurely?

[premborn]

According to my mum, I was born at 35 weeks. She told me that she had a traumatic birth. She was in labour for 20 hours, and forceps were needed because she was exhausted and I was in distress. After that, I had to stay in hospital for a month before being allowed home. My mum said I had to stay in because I had a low birth weight. I think she said I weighed 5 pounds and 6 ounces at birth. I'm in my 20s now.

I have had some concerns about this for a long time, but a recent Asperger's diagnosis, along with research I've done on brain development in the last few weeks of pregnancy, has brought it more sharply into focus for me. My mum swears that she didn't smoke while she was pregnant, but she has always smoked for as long as I've known her. I persuaded her to switch to e-cigarettes a few years ago, but she still smokes regular cigarettes occasionally. I don't think I believe that she didn't smoke while she was pg. Also, she has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. This has made me suspect that she either smoked, didn't eat properly while she was pregnant, or both, and that caused me to be born prematurely. I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy. I also know that babies born prematurely have increased risk of various health problems, but the ones of most interest to me are the increased risk of psychological or mental issues later in life (including learning difficulties, ADHD and autism). The risk is increased even for babies born 1-2 weeks prematurely, and increases dramatically depending how premature they are.

I just think that perhaps if my mum had taken better care of herself I might not have been premature, so my brain would have developed fully and I wouldn't have the condition that defines me as a person. I'd be normal, basically. AIBU?

I'm a bit surprised at posters being so uncaring.

I think we'd all have something to say to someone who came on here smoking through pregnancy and refusing to treat their eating disorder. Even though people would be kind to her, we'd still point out the possible consequences of her actions.

I had a defective heart that was more likely than not caused by smoking in pregnancy. Because of this I had numerous chronic chest infections as a small child. I discovered as an adult I have impaired lung function and have had since childhood. I have the lungs of a 70 year old. The irony was not lost on me when my mother ( who is 75) told me her doctor says she has the lungs of a 40 year old ( she gave up 20 years ago). But what can you do? She was the best mother she could be, in all the circumstances.

My boy has multiple learning differences and some other physical challenges - he was born ON his due date - I ate very healthily - I swam regularly - I kept all my appointments - I didn't drink - I didn't smoke - I didn't have caffeine - he was a good weight (just over 9 pounds)

I often blame myself although I know this is silly - what if I slept more, what if I was less stressed, should I have drank more water, should I have not caught the tube so to prevent breathing in fumes .... I can go on and on and on ... And on ... But no one benefits from guilt and blame

You get what you get - mothers do their best - you play the cards you get dealt

Be the best person you can be and start by accepting who you are and not blaming others for what is essentially a genetic life lottery

I think it sounds like your struggling to accept your aspergers and the effect it has on you and your life, and that as a result of that you want to find someone or someplace to channel your anger but in all honesty yabu and I think deep down you know that-your just hurting.

I didn't smoke, stopped drinking alcohol as soon as I found out I was pregnant (6 weeks), I ate as healthily as I could in between being constantly sick, lots of salads, fresh fruit and veg. My dd was 5 days late and she has autism.

I blame myself everyday for that-not because I did do something wrong when I was pregnant because I didn't I did everything the books and the doctors told me too. But because she's my little girl and as her mum I want to be able to protect her from everything but my own body couldn't grow and protect her from this.

Please don't blame your mum, and certainly don't say it to her-she will already feel like she's at fault it's what every parent I've ever spoke to us said 'was it something I did or didn't do? Could I have prevented it?'.

These things just are and for what it's worth my mum drank and smoked throughout all three pregnancies she had-none of us have autism (although I do have traits but my mum was really ill with me so drank and smoked a lot less with me than my siblings-which would explain my dd having it as I believe that their is a strong genetic link).

Your mom probably did the best she could, OP. My mom smoked 40/day & was told to starve herself (don't think she actually did, mind),. I suppose the twins were a little early, but then twins often are. My birthweight was kind of low (6.5 lb) when you consider I was 2 weeks overdue.

Is having Asperger's quite difficult for you?

Premborn - I can understand the need to find someone to blame when bad things happen, but the truth is that, sometimes they just happen and it's no-one's fault.

I think you need to find some way to come to terms with the circumstances of your birth and your condition, otherwise bitterness could eat you up.

NO.

FOr a long time I thought that my son's premature birth had caused his ASD (not severe, very mild) but now that I know more about it I know that the baby is involved in 'prompting' its own birth. Babies on the spectrum are more likely to come earlier, NOT, babies who come earlier develop an ASD

it was always part of the baby's genetic 'destiny'

I think YABU but I can see why, in light of an AS diagnosis this is something you would consider.

If it helps, I've a friend who has AS; was only diagnosed a few years ago, aged 46.

I've an aquaintance who has 5 children. She smoked through all pregnancies, and none of her children have any known issues.

FWIW, I had a 48 hour labour and DD had to be delivered by CS. My sibling was born in stressful conditions (mum had high blood pressure and there were complications) and had to be hosptialised after birth for two weeks.

Ultimately, it seems to be rather a genetic gamble.

If you would like to speak to someone experiencing a recent AS diagnosis then I am happy to put you in touch with my friend, who may be able to offer some perspective.

Back in the sixties it was very common for babies to be born to mothers who had smoked throughout their pregnancies. My own mother did. DH's mother did.

We are both normal and neither have suffered. The risks were not so well known then.

Hindsight is a great thing, but it is just that. Hindsight. You cannot change the past and the blame game is pointless. You just learn from it for the future.

I wouldn't like to imply that any mother caused her child's problems.

Yabu believe this is the reason 100%.

I was late and have aspergers. Mum had a great pregnancy. No smoking, are well etc.

You are looking for a reason and someone to blame when the truth is, you will never know why. This is more about you than your mum really.

I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy.

I'm not sure why you've landed on 35 weeks for this point, other than its the length of time you were gestated for.

The brain developing from conception, and continues post-birth, into childhood and beyond.

More broadly, this sounds like the sort of tning that would probably benefit from working through with a counsellor.

OP,this is a minefield. Babies are premature for many reasons. You will never know why. If a mother has actively engaged in 'risk factors' for a better way of expressing it, it doesn't mean that your premature birth can be attributed to that or any of the other random causes for premature birth.

I was a premature baby, jaundiced. I've never researched whether this might have cause my current health problems- however, I've spent a long time worrying about the fact that I was given diluted carnation milk as a very small baby. How could she? Maybe I'll die early because of this?

Truth is, fifty years ago, most young mums/new mums hadn't a clue, were all subject to advice, good and bad, according to the fashions of the time.

And blame cannot be attributed. It's the luck of the draw for all of us.

That said, OP, I do hear where you are coming from. But it really is a matter of changing the game from 'things should have been perfect' to 'play with the cards you have been dealt'. Because the latter is easier than the former.

I think you are upset with your recent diagnosis and so are looking for someone to blame. The reality is you don't know if you would of had aspergers if you'd been born at 40 weeks. You don't know if you were born PRETERM (you werent premature) because anything your mum did, chances of that are very, very slim. My daughter was born at 35+6, I did nothing wrong. Didn't drink, didn't smoke. Its just one of those things. Yabu trying to blame your mum.

I agree with LittleRed, have a look into the genetic links with autism and Asperger's. That might give you a new direction to work wirh.
FWIW, my children are both on the spectrum and my body was and is a veritable temple to healthy living, exercise and organic healthy eating.
When I was pregnant, I was even more careful about everything, and I did a lot of reading.
I've never smoked, and drank in moderation since I was 21.
Did I blame them for the morning sickness that lasted all day for nine months, the increase in shoe size? The constant traumas of them dealing with the educartion system? The PITAs they were as teenagers, sometimes linked to their disability, sometimes their age and hormones?
No.
Being autistic is a complex and challenging way to have to live, but there isn't anyone to blame directly, however much easier and uncomplicated it might make things. I'm sorry that you have such a difficult relationship with your mother.

I was born 8 weeks early. Very likely my mother smoked through out (she did with other siblings, one of whom was born late but only weighing 6 pounds). I have no health issues, cognative or otherwise, same with siblings. No one knows what really causes autism, without solid facts you cannot carry on blaming your mother who probably did her best during pregnancy. If you've been there yourself, you know how much growing a baby takes a toll on you and your body - even if you have an "easy" one. If she said she didn't smoke, perhaps she didn't. I quit cold turkey as soon as I found out - but I know I haven't quit for good.

I suggest you find help, or someone to talk through these feelings. Oh and 'normal' comes in many different forms, you are you, how you were grown is very unlikely to have changed that.

I had twins at 35wks and they were 4lb 12oz and 6lb 3oz and I was told these were both very good weights.

I was also told that it was normal to keep babies in SCBU up until the time they would have been born and this was probably more so 20 years ago. They tend to have trouble with jaundice and lack of sucking reflex at that age, even if they are well.

I wouldn't read too much into that.

I too believe that a lot of us have autistic spectrum traits. A lot of current research points in this direction. Some people inherit more of them than others. We have had a lot of people in our family with traits, and not understood what it is until we had one person who is severely autistic.

There are a lot of environmental factors that can affect the outcome of what becomes you, but these tend to have much less effect overall than what you have inherited. Epigenetics is getting interesting, and there may be environmental factors that affect our gene expression, but there is also a much bigger element of chance. My twins have been involved in work on this sort of thing and it is truly amazing.

All the things that go to make us are fascinating. Even identical twins (like mine) are not the same (and they certainly aren't!). There are so many different pathways we could go along once we are conceived, and how our mother lived (and also their mothers and mother's mother) is only one thing of many, many that affects us.

The important thing is that we are all different and there is no right way to be. How we live our lives, and what we make of it, is up to us. We are the ones who can make the most of what we have. There are probably too many things that are 'wrong' about us, and we have not got, to waste too much time worrying about. What you are is valuable.

It is possible that things that happened to you before birth have affected your mental development. Lots of things affect who we are. Can you try to have some compassion for your poor mum? She may have failed to overcome her smoking habit or her eating disorder while pregnant, and certainly had a horrible labour and a tough time if she had to leave you in hospital. Certainly ok to feel sad for your baby self and your young mum and wish you had had a different start, but nothing to be gained from blame.

NC. I've had 3 premature babies, 2 of whom survived. Also my mum and my sis each had preemies who died. We all did our best for all the babies we were carrying. I am sorry that you have problems, but think it is vile to blame them on the mother who carried you. Health care in pregnancy has changed vastly over the decades, so you can't judge someone 20 years ago by today's standards. Even today, let alone 20 years ago, is there a magic wand to cure people with eating disorders, or who smoke. For many mums, no matter how carefully they look after their health, sometimes things go wrong, and babies are born with problems. Once you were born, did your mum neglect or abuse you, or did she love you, care for you, do her best for you, as much as she was able? If she did her best then, shut the fuck up.

OP needs support. Didn't start this thread to talk about anyone else.

YABU I have a child with ASD and learning difficulties I worried myself sick it as my fault but no just a random genetic fault is thought to be the cause of his difficulties could happen to anyone just so happened it happened to us!

Back when you were nor it was quite usual to stop smoking for pregnancy and take it up again. Many of dm's friends did, I can remember many doing that.

If she says she gave up I'd believe her.

afaik prematurity increases the risk of autism but not of aspergers.