To think it might have been my mum's fault that I was born prematurely?

[premborn]

According to my mum, I was born at 35 weeks. She told me that she had a traumatic birth. She was in labour for 20 hours, and forceps were needed because she was exhausted and I was in distress. After that, I had to stay in hospital for a month before being allowed home. My mum said I had to stay in because I had a low birth weight. I think she said I weighed 5 pounds and 6 ounces at birth. I'm in my 20s now.

I have had some concerns about this for a long time, but a recent Asperger's diagnosis, along with research I've done on brain development in the last few weeks of pregnancy, has brought it more sharply into focus for me. My mum swears that she didn't smoke while she was pregnant, but she has always smoked for as long as I've known her. I persuaded her to switch to e-cigarettes a few years ago, but she still smokes regular cigarettes occasionally. I don't think I believe that she didn't smoke while she was pg. Also, she has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. This has made me suspect that she either smoked, didn't eat properly while she was pregnant, or both, and that caused me to be born prematurely. I have read that from week 35 onwards, the brain is still developing and continues to right up until the final few days of pregnancy. I also know that babies born prematurely have increased risk of various health problems, but the ones of most interest to me are the increased risk of psychological or mental issues later in life (including learning difficulties, ADHD and autism). The risk is increased even for babies born 1-2 weeks prematurely, and increases dramatically depending how premature they are.

I just think that perhaps if my mum had taken better care of herself I might not have been premature, so my brain would have developed fully and I wouldn't have the condition that defines me as a person. I'd be normal, basically. AIBU?

It does sound a bit like you're angry at your diagnosis and looking for somewhere to put the blame. This is not healthy for you. You need to focus on your future, not the circumstances of your birth (which are likely not contributory in any way).

I had 3 babies - first one NT, second and third with SNs. None were "premature." First overdue by 2 wks, second and third born just before due date by a week or two. No smoking, no drinking, and while I ate relatively healthy food during first pregnancy, I was even more careful to eat healthy food during second and third pregnancy. I can honestly say that I am not aware of anything I did during pregnancy that would have caused or contributed to their SNs in any way.

DS1 is Autistic and I never smoked or drank or even took real risks whilst pregnant. It's one of those things; if you are, you are, and I doubt there's anything that could change it. It's who you're meant to be.

You sound as though you're quite focused on this at the moment; would it help you if you could attribute your Autism to something definite, almost so you'd have somewhere to direct your anger? It must be incredibly hard being and adult coming to terms with the diagnosis; as a parent it's been a challenge, and I've known since DS1 was tiny that it was probable. However, it isn't who he is. It isn't going to define his life. It shapes it, yes, it offers us hurdles, absolutely. But it doesn't make choices for him, it doesn't stop him. It shouldn't stop you, either. Counselling and support could help; have you looked into that?

My DM smoked heavily and drank moderately throughout her pg with me.

I was born with a heart defect and had lots of ear infections as a DC both of which may have been caused by her.

But what's the point of making it an issue now? Neither of us can change anything.

Leave the past be and concentrate on things you can control.

My twins were born at 29 weeks. They were 3lbs and 3,5lbs. I didn't smoke and I ate well. It's just the luck of the draw.

However, I had a ridiculously strict upbringing, did badly at my GCSEs, woke up but my mum wouldn't let me re-take them and I got a dead-end job instead of doing A-levels etc, which led to a bad train of events. I blamed my mother for a very long time. But I have learned not to now. It's pointless and just makes you bitter.

You don't know what your mother was going through when she fell pg with you. Does your mum love you? Does she show you that she does? Have you felt loved as a child? If yes to these three, forgive her and move on. Put bitterness behind you and grab your chances!

YABVU. It sounds like you have a lot more going on with your relationship with your mother. Why 'apparently born at 35 weeks', do you not believe her?

My children were born at 31 weeks, I didn't smoke or drink - was it my fault?

I agree re not focusing on the past. I had two DC at 29 weeks (dtwins). DD1 died. I did not smoke, ate properly, did all I was supposed to. I would be devastated if DD2 ever thought that it was my fault that she was born early (2lb 7) and that her sister died. FFS, this has actually made me really angry. Sometimes truly awful stuff happens for no reason (I don't mean ASD, I am referring to the death of my daughter here). Blame is not helpful.

OP, there are no certainties about any of this.

Maybe your mum's telling the truth about stopping smoking when pregnant - I know women who've managed to quit while pregnant, and started again once baby was born. But even if she did smoke, there's no certainty that this caused you to be born prematurely, or that you've got aspergers because she smokes. Plenty of smokers have full term babies. And, as PP have pointed out, before the risks involved with smoking were known, it was very, very common for women to smoke throughout pregnancy, and AFAIK, the rate of autism and Aspergers isn't dramatically higher among middle aged (and older) people than among the younger generation.

Even if your mum did smoke, you might have been premature anyway. There's all sorts of reasons for premature birth. Sometimes there's no clear reason at all. DS1 was born at 34 weeks, I had a debrief meeting with the consultant a few weeks after he was born, and she said they didn't have a clue why he was early. No obvious reason, not even any risk factors they could point to. She said it was just one of those things.

Loads of premature babies are born every year. They may be at a greater risk of developing aspergers and the other conditions you mention, but again, there's no way of telling which babies will be affected, or which ones will grow up to be perfectly normal and healthy.

And again, as PP point out, full term babies born to mothers who've done everything right can still have an ASD diagnosis. Even if your mother didn't do everything right, she was probably doing the best she could in her circumstances.

Sometimes these things just happen and it's undoubtedly rubbish when it's you, but it doesn't make it somebody's fault. Sometimes it's just pure bad luck. Like inheriting a genetic disposition towards ASD, for instance. Even if it was caused by something your mother did or didn't do (and there's no way of ever knowing or proving that for sure either way), blaming her isn't going to help things one little bit.

It does sound like you're struggling to come to terms with this diagnosis. Have you got someone in real life who you can talk to about this?

I'm a scientist with a background in the mechanisms of human development.

We don't know what causes autism or Aspergers yet. It's certainly not anything as simple as a single factor, such as smoking during pregnancy, or premature birth. If it was down to one, or two, or even three such things, epidemiologists would have been able to pick out that signal from the noise. There are some neurodevelopmental single gene defects that can cause autism like symptoms as part of the syndrome but again, these aren't difficult to find.

Our best guess right now is that autism is a multifactorially caused disorder. There are probably multiple genes which together create a susceptibility. We don't know how this interacts with environmental influences but we can be pretty sure there's no one smoking gun (if you'll pardon my pun.)

Your mother did not cause your asd. even if she smoked like a chimney and had an eating disorder. We still don't know why a lot of births are premature, again, probably an interaction between genes and environment. Your birthweight was a little low but not critical. Low birthweight and early delivery do not 'cause' autism. You're misunderstanding the data.

What I'm going to say next may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to sound awful, but unless you have a certain degree of scientific background, you're not able to evaluate the information you're 'researching' on the web with the correct tools. You're not able to sort the wheat from the chaff and thus likely to be searching for, and paying attention only to, information that supports your opinion that your mother was to blame.

You have a diagnosis you're clearly unhappy with and you're looking for a place to pin blame. That's understandable, but logically erroneous. If you look on the web you'll see an awful lot of people making this error - they can't get pregnant, so it's easy to blame their mirena coil rather than accept there may be multiple, more subtle issues, for example.

Your mother isn't to blame. You're not to blame. It just is how it is.

My mum smoke all through pregnancy with me. She was 22, and that was 37 years ago, and I think a lot of women did that then. I've never blamed her, I was maybe a bit cross about it when I was a teenager but then I got over it. I'm by no means some emotionally balanced wafty Zen type, but I can't see what good it would do. It's done now, long in the past, and she was young and she was having a shit life.

But then I didn't suffer any ill-effects (that I know of) so perhaps it's easier for me to be magnanimous.

YABVU I had two prem babies and have always blamed myself even though I know it wasn't my 'fault'. I'm sorry you are struggling with issues but don't pin the blame somewhere.

I am in the camp that thinks ASD is a natural variation of normality, along with a lot of other things we label as supposed diseases.

I agree with pp that as there's no knowing what your DM did or didn't do, whether that could have had any effect on your neurology or indeed what the causes of ASD are, there's no point in fixating on this.
It does sound like you're upset about your ASD and the effect it has had on you. And maybe your relationship with your DM. You maybe need to focus on that

personally believe that autism/aspergers is genetic. I also personally believe that most people are somewhere on the spectrum, however mild, and therefore not diagnosed.

I am in the camp that thinks ASD is a natural variation of normality, along with a lot of other things we label as supposed diseases.

I agree with both of you.

Actually it would be really positive if 'ASD' could be dropped in favour of 'ASC' (autistic spectrum condition rather than disorder )

My mum smoked when pg with all of her kids, it just wasn't such a problem back then. I was born 6 weeks prem and have allergies and asthma.

DH's Mum smoked through all her pgs too.

The difference, though.... back then it wasn't an issue so they still don't see the issue. In fact, MIL quotes the fact that they say that if babies born to smokers have lower birth weights, it was a good job she smoked as her boys would have been even bigger at birth. There's just no getting through.

And therefore, she'd never dream of lying about smoking.

My mum smokes lot, but she says she didnt smoke in pregnancy. I believe her. I have friends who also gave up smoking in pregnancy. Honestly, I think you need to let go if this and deal with where you are now. X

My full term baby had a low birth weight due to my hyperemesis gravidarum. She is now 3 and has speech problems. Someone recently told me that her speech delay was due to lack of nutrients in the womb. (I think they read it in the daily mail!)

Dont look back in anger. Nobody knows why you were born prematurely or if being born prematurely has caused anything. As you can see from the varied experiences, babies being born early happens for lots of different reasons.

My DS was born at 36 weeks 5lb 14 oz by C-section after my waters broke but labour failed to progress. I have never smoked, never a heavy drinker and abstained totally once pregnant. He is 5 & so far no problems, very few colds, healthy and happy.

A lot of women face up smoking in finding they were pregnant, and started again afterwards. I think it's highly possible that your mother was the same.
It's natural to be angry and upset at your own diagnosis, but I think you'll find it easier to accept if you stop trying to blame someone for it. The way you talk about your mother being responsible makes me feel you don't have a strong relationship with her....perhaps trying to build bonds with her (maybe she's already blaming herself unnecessarily!) and strengthening your relationship, will bring you more peace then looking for someone to blame for your own diagnosis.
Please don't beat yourself up (or your mum) about something you can't change.

I fee guilty every bloody day - with my eldest I was in a terrible mess, drinking and smoking when I was pregnant. She stopped growing and was induced early. I know I was wrong and wish I could turn back the clock. Luckily she is absolutey fine and an adult now. My youngest - I had stopped smoking, drank very rarely and was super healthy. She was born with a genetic condition that I also have - that makes me feel shit too. They never ever blame me, and I feel they should.